Reading this book about gender and sexual agency has made me think about love. Some of the interviewees expressed that their friends had sex (esp. unprotected sex) because they thought that their partner loved them and would never leave. So, what does it mean to love someone?
I have said, "I love you" to two very different guys at different points in my life. I loved my first boyfriend, but it was more about comfort and experiencing everything for the first time. I loved him for sharing all of these new experiences with me. The second guy, Ephram, was the passionate, deep-down, life-altering love. At this point, I learned what love meant to me: sacrifice. Love means that you are willing to sacrifice your dreams (or at least truly consider it) to be with someone else. I knew that I truly loved Ephram when I started to attempt to fit Ephram into to all of my life goals. If he didn't fit, I considered changing them. (We are very different people with very different life goals, so this presented some serious problems) However, the universe had other plans for Ephram and me, so we broke up. Thus, it saved me from having to enact those choices, but I still thought to myself, "whoa, you must really LOVE him if you considered that." So, sacrifice...that's what love means to me.
Lots of LOVE,
Lady Lola
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
what feminism means to me
I often have arguments with Beefcake about things I see as chauvinistic or exploitative (like Girls Gone Wild or reality shows in which women get naked and act poorly such as Bad Girls Club) and he usually ends his point with, "it's their choice to participate in these things, and isn't that what feminism is all about?"
No. Well, not entirely.
While I stand wholeheartedly behind the idea that every woman (and every intersex person and genderqueer individual and anyone else otherwise unaligned with the gender binary) should be just as free as every man to do whatever she damn well pleases, even if that means taking off her clothes for money (can't lie to you folks, I think about it from time to time as a means to pay back my significant college debt...this feminist consciousness ain't fo free) or otherwise commodifying herself, I also think that those choices are not made in a cultural vacuum and thus she is NOT "as free as a man" when she makes those decisions.
But this idea that feminism is about choice is very seductive because it simplifies things enormously. It is easy to pretend that feminism has served it's purpose that now woman can ostensibly choose more in their own lives.
However, as I said, feminism isn't just about choice. For me, living my feminism means responsibility. It's not sexy, it's not fun, but it's a real gift to be able to take more direction, to refuse to let yourself be victimized (when you can). Obviously, there are situations in which you are not at all responsible (rape, sexual assault, and the wage gap come to mind) but you do have the power to take action and work to change those things, through raising awareness, activism, legislation, etc.
Feminism in action can manifest itself in much smaller, daily ways too, responsible sex being a primary one. Yes, you could choose to not use birth control or to forgo condoms (male or female) during casual sex. But then you set yourself up to be a victim of an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. While no form of protection is totally effective all of the time and clearly no one wants herpes or a child while they're in college and eatin' ramen, to not take advantage of the tools at your disposal (free condoms, Planned Parenthood) is, to me, showing a lack of respect for yourself. Take pride in keeping yourself safe! Margaret Sanger fought hard for your right to do so, so revel in it, ladies.
And this responsibility of being a strong, empowered woman extends to all arenas of your life. Do your own taxes. Get tested regularly for STDs (on that note, GET YOUR DAMN PELVIC EXAM). Understand your turn ons, and take responsibility for your enjoyment sexually, whatever that means for you. Balance your checkbook. Know how to change a tire and check your oil. Pay your own bills. To put yourself at the mercy of someone else, be it a man or a woman or your parents, and to expect their help sets you up to be incapable of standing on your own two feet when you need to, and trust me, one day you will need to.
Perhaps some of these views are more indicative of my lower middle class upbringing (full of "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" BS) than my feminism, but I see them as complimentary. Both tout an idea of taking care of yourself as best you can, not needing to rely on someone else for help. While there are greater forces at work that oppress lower class people and women (just a few examples: classicism, sexism, patriarchy, absurdly low minimum wage, etc) and to ignore them would be both revisionist history and ignorant, there are things within your control in your life and, for me, taking full control of those aspects of my life has been deeply empowering. I have the right to own a checking account and my own property (the sum total of which is my books and my 1990 Accord named Melvin, but they're all mine) and to ensure my sexual health, and those are all beautiful things. Embrace them!
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
No. Well, not entirely.
While I stand wholeheartedly behind the idea that every woman (and every intersex person and genderqueer individual and anyone else otherwise unaligned with the gender binary) should be just as free as every man to do whatever she damn well pleases, even if that means taking off her clothes for money (can't lie to you folks, I think about it from time to time as a means to pay back my significant college debt...this feminist consciousness ain't fo free) or otherwise commodifying herself, I also think that those choices are not made in a cultural vacuum and thus she is NOT "as free as a man" when she makes those decisions.
But this idea that feminism is about choice is very seductive because it simplifies things enormously. It is easy to pretend that feminism has served it's purpose that now woman can ostensibly choose more in their own lives.
However, as I said, feminism isn't just about choice. For me, living my feminism means responsibility. It's not sexy, it's not fun, but it's a real gift to be able to take more direction, to refuse to let yourself be victimized (when you can). Obviously, there are situations in which you are not at all responsible (rape, sexual assault, and the wage gap come to mind) but you do have the power to take action and work to change those things, through raising awareness, activism, legislation, etc.
Feminism in action can manifest itself in much smaller, daily ways too, responsible sex being a primary one. Yes, you could choose to not use birth control or to forgo condoms (male or female) during casual sex. But then you set yourself up to be a victim of an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. While no form of protection is totally effective all of the time and clearly no one wants herpes or a child while they're in college and eatin' ramen, to not take advantage of the tools at your disposal (free condoms, Planned Parenthood) is, to me, showing a lack of respect for yourself. Take pride in keeping yourself safe! Margaret Sanger fought hard for your right to do so, so revel in it, ladies.
And this responsibility of being a strong, empowered woman extends to all arenas of your life. Do your own taxes. Get tested regularly for STDs (on that note, GET YOUR DAMN PELVIC EXAM). Understand your turn ons, and take responsibility for your enjoyment sexually, whatever that means for you. Balance your checkbook. Know how to change a tire and check your oil. Pay your own bills. To put yourself at the mercy of someone else, be it a man or a woman or your parents, and to expect their help sets you up to be incapable of standing on your own two feet when you need to, and trust me, one day you will need to.
Perhaps some of these views are more indicative of my lower middle class upbringing (full of "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" BS) than my feminism, but I see them as complimentary. Both tout an idea of taking care of yourself as best you can, not needing to rely on someone else for help. While there are greater forces at work that oppress lower class people and women (just a few examples: classicism, sexism, patriarchy, absurdly low minimum wage, etc) and to ignore them would be both revisionist history and ignorant, there are things within your control in your life and, for me, taking full control of those aspects of my life has been deeply empowering. I have the right to own a checking account and my own property (the sum total of which is my books and my 1990 Accord named Melvin, but they're all mine) and to ensure my sexual health, and those are all beautiful things. Embrace them!
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
Sunday, June 20, 2010
ridin' solo: masturbation
...sorry ya'll, I couldn't resist that title after that Jason Derula song came on the radio earlier.
One of my earliest memories is of me being in the bathtub,probably around three years old, looking at my vagina and touching my clitoris simply because it felt good. I don't think I brought myself to climax until around age ten, but nonetheless, this set the stage for a lifelong love affair with myself.
I'm a big, huge, enormous fan of masturbation, both for myself and for all women. Most men don't seem to need to be encouraged to crank it (a fact that I learned head-on when my then-boyfriend Ram had incredible difficulty getting off during penetrative sex, since he was 20 year old virgin prior to meeting my acquaintanceship, and had grown quite used to his palm, though he did learn to love vagina too), but for women, especially teens, it's shrouded in all this shame and mystery and weirdness, as if responding to natural desires by touching oneself could somehow be a moral short coming. Which is a load of bullshit.
I gotta give the patriarchy props: the linking of sex and morality (as well as food and morality, from the perspective of a recovered anorexic...future blog post coming) was and is one of the most effective tools used culturally and socially to oppress women. When influenced culturally from every direction to believe this, it would take a pretty brave girl (or one who read The Feminine Mystique as a sixth grader, as the precocious young Sheriff did) to claim her sexuality as her own and touch herself if she damn well pleases.
Masturbation has a lot of benefits. Procrastination (or procrasturbation, as it's colloquially termed in college), no STD risk, stress relief, taking all the time you need to reach climax with no worry about a partner or their feelings, relaxation before bed (seriously!) are a few of them. For me, I've found the most beneficial aspect to be the fact that it allowed me to accrue the knowledge early on about what I liked and didn't, and how I wanted to be touched. This made sexual activity much more pleasurable much earlier for me than it did for most girls I knew, since I wasn't just lying back and taking it. I was actively showing my partners and taking matters into my own hands to be sure I enjoyed myself. And taking that active role in my sex life has been one of the most feminist things I've ever done (except for possibly my use of a Diva Cup and my vertical clitoral hood piercing...oh yeah, and attending Smith).
So ladies, men, and everyone else, I encourage you to find out whatpresses your own buttons, no matter how long it's been since you've tried to get yourself off. There's a whole world of amazing sex toys, lubes (warming/cooling/probably radioactive), and erotic material to help get you to cum, so why not take advantage of it?
Much (self) love,
The Albright Sheriff
"Don't deny my sexual agency!"
I started reading this book this week called "Gender and Sexual Agency: How Young People Make Choices about Sex" by a professor at University of Colorado, Colorado Springs. She conducted 83 interviews with people aged 18-23 about their sex lives, chose interviews that were "representative," and published the results. Her whole thing is that the way people define their gender becomes reflected in their sex lives. Example: girls who define feminity as passive and submissive and not sexual, their actions reflect that. Overall, I agree with the professor's analysis but reading the interviews cause major problems. (I don't know if her sample is accurate, but my problem is that their are definitely people in the world who think like this)
Now I'm going to quote from her book:
Juan, a Mexican-American kid, has chosen to remain abstinent b/c he wants sex to be special. His friends are mostly man-whores and he says this about the girls that they try to get with: "If he was really pushy, I know the girl won't go [upstairs with him]. I've seen it done. It's like they [women] can tell something's going to happen. Some guys act really sweet and childish and really nice, around them, but then they try and get them upstairs and they really change."
Qui, a Vietnamese-American kid, has also chosen to remain a virgin b/c of his religious views. "Good" Christians don't bang before marriage and sex is a gift from God to produce children. (If sex is a gift, then it is meant to be ENJOYED.)
He says: "there's a few women in my door and they're very sexually active, and they can just do it with whoever."
Also, he says that he "would probably stop." If a girl asked him while they were hooking up. "Because of, I think that's the right thing to do if she didn't want it. But, then again, I could another guy coming up to mth and saying, 'No, but if she started, then I guess she did want it. But I guess I would argue that she would have the right to change her mind, but then again, I don't know."
Maya, a Mexican-American kid, is also a virgin b/c she doesn't want to get pregnant and have her bf leave her (uh...Wrap it up???)
She says that girls at parties "aren't doing it of their own will. [going upstairs] They are just like 'I guess.' Not really, 'Let's go' more like 'Ok, find, I guess, why not." Later, " Idon't think that the girls want to have sex. Bedcause they know, 'oh I shouldn't because of this and this."
All of these interviews highlight a different point of the problem: Denying female sexual agency. Maya is the worst because she thinks that a woman never wants just sex and only goes "upstairs" in hopes of also getting into a relationship. I say: BULLSHIT and STOP denying my sexuality. When I bring a boy upstairs (which is usually the case, not the other way around), I am in full control of that situation and WANT it to happen. I am not looking for a relationship, just casual sex. That does not make me a slut. The problem is that our society denies female sexuality, so then women think that they have to pretend not to want to go upstairs unless they want to be labelled a slut.
I do plan on trying to email the author, ask why she chose so many virgins and tell her about this blog. It just pains me to read these interviews and think to myself "oh Goodness, people ACTUALLY do think this way."
Lots of Love,
Lady Lola
Now I'm going to quote from her book:
Juan, a Mexican-American kid, has chosen to remain abstinent b/c he wants sex to be special. His friends are mostly man-whores and he says this about the girls that they try to get with: "If he was really pushy, I know the girl won't go [upstairs with him]. I've seen it done. It's like they [women] can tell something's going to happen. Some guys act really sweet and childish and really nice, around them, but then they try and get them upstairs and they really change."
Qui, a Vietnamese-American kid, has also chosen to remain a virgin b/c of his religious views. "Good" Christians don't bang before marriage and sex is a gift from God to produce children. (If sex is a gift, then it is meant to be ENJOYED.)
He says: "there's a few women in my door and they're very sexually active, and they can just do it with whoever."
Also, he says that he "would probably stop." If a girl asked him while they were hooking up. "Because of, I think that's the right thing to do if she didn't want it. But, then again, I could another guy coming up to mth and saying, 'No, but if she started, then I guess she did want it. But I guess I would argue that she would have the right to change her mind, but then again, I don't know."
Maya, a Mexican-American kid, is also a virgin b/c she doesn't want to get pregnant and have her bf leave her (uh...Wrap it up???)
She says that girls at parties "aren't doing it of their own will. [going upstairs] They are just like 'I guess.' Not really, 'Let's go' more like 'Ok, find, I guess, why not." Later, " Idon't think that the girls want to have sex. Bedcause they know, 'oh I shouldn't because of this and this."
All of these interviews highlight a different point of the problem: Denying female sexual agency. Maya is the worst because she thinks that a woman never wants just sex and only goes "upstairs" in hopes of also getting into a relationship. I say: BULLSHIT and STOP denying my sexuality. When I bring a boy upstairs (which is usually the case, not the other way around), I am in full control of that situation and WANT it to happen. I am not looking for a relationship, just casual sex. That does not make me a slut. The problem is that our society denies female sexuality, so then women think that they have to pretend not to want to go upstairs unless they want to be labelled a slut.
I do plan on trying to email the author, ask why she chose so many virgins and tell her about this blog. It just pains me to read these interviews and think to myself "oh Goodness, people ACTUALLY do think this way."
Lots of Love,
Lady Lola
Saturday, June 19, 2010
images of women
I recently discovered weheartit.com, a site with free images that's easily searchable. So, for shits and giggles, I decided to run a search on "women" (Also did "feminism" yesterday, which yielded some hilarious and beautiful results). And the results were disturbing.
I chose a random sample of 20 pictures (I searched through 30 pages out of 495, so I'm sure some better ones came up that I did not get to include). Observe how many present women as strong, capable, independent. Contrast that to the number that present us as stupid, over-emotional, only sexual commodities (check how gay women are presented).
Enjoy.
-The Sheriff
Friday, June 18, 2010
not necessarily about fucking or feminism
Click me!
Ten things you can do to help with the oil spill. Even if you don't do anything about it, at least read this.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
Ten things you can do to help with the oil spill. Even if you don't do anything about it, at least read this.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
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