looks vs swagger: what gets ya laid?

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 I have an ongoing argument with a male friend we'll call, aptly, Skinny. Skinny is very lean and not terribly tall; some might call him "scrawny." He is convinced that this is what keeps him from getting anywhere with women in conversation, which obviously stop him from gettin' it in.

I say bullshit.

80% of what gets anyone laid is swagger. It's confidence. It's the ability to project that you're awesome and that this person is lucky to be with you but in a way that's not conceited or arrogant. It's subtle, but it's powerful when people have it and actually comfortable enough with themselves to turn their swag on. Of course, being anything other than what our mainstream culture defines as attractive could hurt your chances, in theory. But in practice, I have witnessed so many flirtations and pairings that were unbalanced in terms of sheer physical attractiveness but powered by one person's total confidence.

Confidence is flat out hot. When someone is projecting confidence in their attributes, it makes you think they'll have the same skills in pleasing you. This might be a fallacy (I've had my share of missed calls based on swagger alone), but the swagger does its work in getting them interactions with fine people such as yourself.

And what's best is swag isn't something you have or else you're fucked; you can always develop a healthy sense of cockiness and reap the benefits, regardless of whether or not society says you're hot enough to be reaping those sexual benefits. Self-love and a little bit of good posture can do a world of good.

But if you think you're too skinny/short/fat/tall/awkward/differently abled to get pussy/peen, guess what? You're probably right. You've already decided in your own head that you weren't good enough for anyone's attention, and then by being more shy and reserved and less likely to act on that sexy eye contact someone's flashing you across the room, you dash your own chances. And then, of course, since you have just proven to yourself that you can't get any, you won't put it any effort next time either, and so the cycle continues.

I say: Chin up. Get your swag on, and you'll be fine.

But what do you say? Is swagger the ultimate determinant of one's ability to get laid, or is it more based in looks than I think? Am I just easily swayed by cockiness? Is it more about chemistry? Pheromones? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Thinner wife, happier marriage? Effed up.

Even more effed up: a rape case in which justice should've been easy to see (he raped her, he's guilty) but instead the raped woman is considered rape-able because she has bipolar disorder. 

9 year olds should be sexy!....I'm getting tired of this shit. Aren't you too? 

The rape of men--a really great piece about a topic usually overlooked. Warning: it can get graphic and maybe triggering so read with caution.

Much love,
The Sheriff

who pays?

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Re: the photo above--I don't think that's true anymore, at least not in the circles I run in. I know of very few women (or men) who want their prospective lover to show that they're deserving of some action by shelling out some serious dough. The whole idea that he should have to buy an expensive dinner to get a blowjob is somewhat foreign to my generation (I think!), and thankfully so: those attitudes turn sex into a direct commodity and not an act of pleasure or enjoyment. But with or without those attitudes present, the discussion over who should pay for dates, dinners, and birth control is still alive, well, and fraught with gendered stereotypes, so let's dive right in, shall we?

There is no right or wrong stance as far as feminism goes in terms of who should pay; personally, I think it's nice to alternate paying in all things shared, which definitely includes birth control since the menfolk benefit as much as you do from not having to financially endure an unplanned pregnancy. But what if thanks to factors like the glass ceiling, the fact that men are typically encouraged to go into high-paying fields like the sciences, engineering, and such moreso than women are, and the plain ol' wage gap, he makes significantly more than you (this could definitely apply to a same-sex couple too, for the record)? Financially, you may not actually be able to meet him one-for-one in alternating paying for things or splitting expenses 50/50, but you also probably don't want to feel like a kept woman, contributing just the pleasure of your company in and out of the bedroom.

So...why pays? You, him, both of you? I struggle with this all the time, so I'd love to hear some thoughts about how other folks keep it balanced.

Much love,
The Sheriff

sex and body image: one night stands vs. relationships

It's no secret that sex, whether it's good, bad, rough, gentle, hetero or queer, can have an enormous impact on your body image. A genuine compliment from a one night stand can uplift us for days and almost nothin' feels better than nice words when you're naked, while a thoughtless callous mention of our thick thighs by a lover can send that self-esteem plummeting right back down. Simply being chosen as the recipient of someone's affections, sexual or sweeter, can be a body image boost, since they looked at all the peeps in the bar and singled out you. While we might get body commentary from any number of sources and not just the folks we get freaky with, it's just more potent and the words have more impact when they're coming from someone who has seen your O-face, or your nude body in the unflattering morning light, or exactly what your ass looks like from behind.

Today, I'm curious about if we can say one is better for your self-esteem and body image than the other.

Obviously, there's no concrete answer here since so much of either interaction depends on the specifics of your situations. Is he sensitive and verbose in his praise? Is she a more tight-lipped or just a downright meanie? One-nighters can be just as delightfully gentle and worshipful in their compliments as a relationship can, and frankly, the boost of being picked out as a hottie solely on the basis of your physical attractiveness (which is, to me, equals parts chemistry of personality, swagger, and actual looks, but that's an upcoming post) can be a huge turn-on. Feeling wanted is downright sexy. But if it's dependent mainly on getting external feedback from others and not from telling yourself how gorgeous and want-able you are, that might not be sustainable and could promote some soul-searching.

On balance, relationships can often reach a point where the sex and compliments are routine at best, if they don't drop off the radar altogether. Many long-term couples bemoan the lack of verbal affection and flattery that tends to accompany knowing someone well enough to be intimately familiar with, say, their athlete's foot problem or their morning breath or the effects of their lactose intolerance. I ain't criticizing these things or implying that one can't be hot and have foot fungus, but having the full and delightful knowledge that comes with being in a longer term relationship often disabuses us of our illusions that we create in our heads about how our partner is so perfect and wonderful and they don't poop and they just exist to be hot and sexy for us. People are full of flaws, and being in a real relationship with someone reveals that in a way that a one night stand just doesn't have the time for, and that's both good and bad. Bad if you rely on your partner to boost your body image with compliments, and good if you can recognize how awesome it is that someone knows about your fungus and loves you and wants to bang you anyway.

How do you feel/think about all this? What gives your body image the bigger boost?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

A gender-diverse parenting primer.

Restrictions on abortion multiply this year...

And so do violent crimes against LGBT individuals. SAD.

Uplifting: Little boy meets his first gay couple. Kids are the best.

All diets are fad diets!

....what. the. eff. Seriously.

Much love,
The Sheriff

"your girl"--possession, manliness, hiphop, and sex

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 I've noticed a pretty interesting trend in hiphop lyrics (yep, that ol' bin of misogyny that I still love!) lately. Let's see if you can spot it too!

I'm snatching all your bitches at my leisure--Kreayshawn, "Gucci Gucci"


Oh, that was your girl? I thought I recognized her--Drake, "Bedrock"


Why don't you run along and tell your girl to bring it here--Atmosphere, "The Bass and The Movement"


Look homie I ain't trying to force your hand/But Ima take your girl--Lil Wayne, "I Can Take Your Girl"


She was high on that pill so I fucked your lady--Too $hort on Wiz Khalifa, "On My Level"


Met a group of girls in a Escalade/They came with you and left with me--New Boys, "Backseat"


Lookin' for ya girl? She on my jock--LMFAO, "Party Rock Anthem"


If you slip I’m gonna fall on top of your girl--Pitbull, "Give Me Everything"

Notice anything? If the title of this post didn't totally give it away to your lazy summertime brain (no judgment), I'm interested in this emphasis on stealin' your girl for a few reasons.

Number one, it stresses that this girl/these girls were at one point yours, but now are mine, sexually at least...and this implies that girls are something of a possession to be proud of and fought over like territory. Number two, it underlines that these are girls we're talking about, not full grown-ass women with desires and choices of their own. Which is not to say that such full grown-ass women wouldn't choose to be with said girl-stealer, but that their agency is not even a question considered here. The only thing of import is that a possession has been taken from one dude by someone presumably more money and that this should grievously wound the first party's pride. One of the big proving grounds for toughness and manliness is clearly sex in both the hiphop and real worlds: being wanted by so many people or getting women without even trying (My swag hit on ladies unknowingly--Kanye West on Keri Hilson's "Pretty Girl Rock") is not just a self-esteem boost but a validation of worth and a means for proving superiority, especially if you managed to take what was previously his.

Further interesting is that the first lyric sample is from a female MC, so it would appear that she's absorbed at least some of the typical masculine posturing of emphasizing their bitches, their money, and their violent potential that most rappers have to do in order to be taken seriously for their craft. And it pisses me off. Lyrical skill shouldn't have to be packaged with gendered definitions of masculinity that focus on one's ability to objectify women, make money through illegal means, and hurt people, no matter how incredible the booty-dropping beat.

What do you think? Am I just overanalyzing, or does this emphasis trouble you to (even as, perhaps, you also drop it low like myself to such objectifying lyrics)?

Much love,
The Sheriff

bodies change: buddhism and shame and weight gain

What does Buddhism have to do with body image, you might ask? Quite a bit, I say.

First of all, there's the fact that Buddha is alternately presented as looking like this:

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Or this:

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So Buddha's either fat and jolly or skinny and serious, but much like the Honey Badger, he doesn't give  a shit. Lessons to be learned.

Humorous digression aside, that's not actually what this post is about. Buddhism teaches the concept of non-attachment, which emphasizes that it isn't the material things or relationships or bodies of this world that cause our misery and suffering but our attachment to them as they are in this moment, assuming that they will never change or age or differ or want something new. By releasing our attachments to these things and embracing them for what they are, day to day and moment to moment, we can lessen our suffering (in theory, anyway).

So what does this have to do with body image? If we try to release our attachments from how our body used to look, or on forcing ourselves to maintain the way it looks now, or attempting to squish it into the box of our standards for our future selves, then when change occurs we won't be so shocked and feel so much shame and guilt over natural processes that occur with or without our intervention. It's these feelings of shame and guilt and obsession that make it harder to change and accept it, not the change itself.

I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue a healthy lifestyle with a goal of maintaining your body as best as you can as you age; I personally do so and would be a big hypocrite if I were to preach otherwise. But there are natural effects of time and aging and sun exposure and LIVING goddammit that you can't completely reverse or control. Fighting them and trying to look the same as you did in high school or college or before babies is futile, and it's the insistence on remaining attached and devoted to an old image of yourself that will harm you. Living in fear that your body will never be this hot again is a sad way to live your life and keeps you from feeling so much joy!

But how to detach? Emphasize all the things your body can do that it couldn't before. Look at how much richer your life is with the wisdom of years or the baby child you have or with forgiving the five pounds you gained eating delicious food abroad.

What do ya think?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Texas' sonogram law challenged in court. Woo!

Murder and moms: interesting look at Casey Anthony and her compatriots.

MORE Jezebel (I'm a lazy linker lately): the burden of a lower-class background. Fantastic stuff.

Much love,
The sheriff

dads and boners: the ew factor and egos

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Gross title, eh? :)

A few weeks ago, I was sitting with my dad, reading a book while he watched TV. A commercial for Viagra or Cialis or something similar was on, and showing the usual ridiculous shit that pharmaceutical commercials generally adore in their ads: depressed man with no boner at beginning discovers penis magic and overcomes his erectile dysfunction, enjoys sailing and surfing and cuddling with his hot wife in the sunset. Of course, it reminded me of Orgasm Inc., and I told him all about the process of making normal sexuality into a disease in the pursuit of profits.

His response? "Eventually I might need it, but right now I thankfully don't need any of that stuff."

Cue the gross-out sounds. WHY WOULD THAT BE OK TO SHARE WITH ME? Ew. Yuck. Blech.

Ahem. Moving on.

But after talking and laugh about this situation with my mama, I realized that this comment, while entirely stupid and inappropriate to make to one's daughter when that is not the sort of relationship you have, is about male ego more than it is anything else. It's about proving that one is still virile and not old and still a man. Which is silly, because having sired three kids, I already know this about my pops. Furthermore, being a man is more about treating people and yourself with respect and being responsible and doing what needs to be done (which is also the same as my definition as being a good person, oddly enough), NOT about having a boner.

Eesh. What do you think about this laughable encounter? Anyone else ever had a dad say something similar?

why women "drop out"--graduating, pressure, and the ease of roles

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Graduating from an incredible college like Smith was a huge accomplishment for me, academically, personally, intellectually, financially. But the pressures of being a high-performing female (that phrase makes it sound like I'm super fertile, but I'm not changing it) don't end up with the commencement exercises, and I'm sure many of fellow high-pressure grads can relate to the following thoughts and comments.

My entire life I've been a high-achiever in everything I've ever done: I made volunteering a competitive event, worked an obscene number of hours through both high school and college to make money, beat my body and its hungers into submission, and of course, got amazing grades and praise from all of my teachers (I never did sports, however, thanks to being a chunky kid and hating the serious chub rub that came with being active). I did it all and made it look easy (hopefully), even as it felt like death. My slogan was "all I do is win" long before DJ Khaled came along.

And now that I've graduated, I feel like the pressure should've lessened a little. Grades are over! No more exams! I got my piece of paper with Latin on it!

And yet...it actually feels worse right now.

Everyone I run into asks what I'm doing with my life, and seems disappointed when I tell them. "Oh, really? I never saw you as a ______ (insert whatever noun you want there that's not good enough for your friends/family/pastor)," or "I always thought you'd work at the UN or something really impressive." Perhaps these comments are meant to be encouraging, like "Look how highly I think of you!" But what I hear is more like, "Why aren't you meeting the expectations that Everybody has for you while also being attractive and rich?" And I can only imagine that I'm not alone.

The feeling of all this insane pressure is helping me begin to understand why high-performing women "drop out" by getting hitched and having babies and becoming devoted moms and wives. Rest assured, I don't actually want to yet, but the ease of having a role to settle into instead of having to constantly question and assert and figure out what precisely it is that I want sounds a lot more relaxing than the exhaustion and terror I alternately feel.

But. A role is not what I want to fit into. Not deep down. I have a little more compassion for women who choose to step out of their demanding work positions in order to raise a family or whatnot, because this pressure is real and scary. But a role would be too: pressures and expectations are waiting right there for you, except with less guesswork about how to go about being the ideal mom or wife, since that's laid out for you in magazines like Parenting and Martha Stewart and such.

No matter what your position, chances are you'll never measure up to the perfect standard set before you because perfection is naturally unattainable and humans are so inherently flawed that our attempts at being otherwise are nearly always humorously thwarted by life. So I'm encouraging my fellow graduates: take a deep breath. Fuck the Everybody who tells you that you're not all you can be and you're disappointing. Do what feels right, and don't expect your first job to help you save the world, become famous all over, and be rich (if it does, please tell me your secret). But don't let yourself fall into something by sheer laziness or exhaustion: make as deliberate of choices as your financial situation will let you, and smile. These are the good times, and sometimes we (and by "we" I mean I) get so overwhelmed that we forget that.

Grads: do you feel this crazy pressure too from friends/strangers/family?
Established Adults: does it ever go away?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

How violent sex helped erase my PTSD---TRIGGER warning, but a very interesting piece.

Lovin' up on this comment of the day on Jezebel.

As I suspected. Sigh.

Neither butch nor top.

Much love,
 The Sheriff