raising a genderless baby

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 I put a news piece about this in the Friday Links a few weeks ago, but I wanted to give it some more blog space because I think it's wildly interesting and would love to hear what other people think about this. A couple has chosen to raise their child without telling anyone the sex of the baby.

Now, just to clarify in terms of vocabulary: your sex is the junk in your pants, your biological parts. Male/female. Gender is a range of characteristics ascribed to one's sex, usually divided in terms of masculinity/femininity. The child in question here, named Storm, does not have an ambiguous sex, but their parents are choosing to keep their sexual identity secret to allow the child to grow up without having to fit into a gendered box. Got it? Good. Onto the meaty stuff of this situation.

I think this family is obviously very brave for bucking one of the most standardized and accepted binaries and social categorizations of most human societies. To attempt to dismantle that is a biggie, and I applaud them for having the guts to entirely re-think a lot of our assumptions about gender identity. And if more people start to do this or at least consider it a legitimate choice for a family, this could lead to very real and awesome social change. For many people, gender is a category full of inane and negative associations that their lives are far better without, and maybe this baby Storm will grow up better and more balanced than most of us for having been raised without the assumptions of gender cast upon them.

But.

Is it fair to make one individual child into a social experiment? I'm not sure. Clearly, we are all raised with our parents' personal biases politically, religiously, socially, and so on. I struggle all the time with a much less intense but related question: as a vegetarian for most of my life, should I raise my possible future kids as vegetarians? Sure, that fills them with my particular ideology but so does allowing them to eat meat. Parents constantly construct their child's idea of what is normal, healthy, and acceptable in all aspects of life, and this is no different. This couple is doing what they see as best for their kid, and trying to build a new idea of normal where a baby's gender is not the most important thing about them or the primary facet of their personality from which we build assumptions of their preferences and attitudes (for an example: you see a baby in blue and say he's a handsome, strong, little man versus a pink-clothed baby and saying how sweet and cute she is and buy her toys that enforce a sweet, cute image. Innocent commentary that builds our lifelong ideas about masculinity and femininity...unless people question them!). But will this help the kid thrive in a world that demands gender conformity? I can't say for sure, but with supportive parents, I do hope that if Storm encounters any serious teasing or is socially ostracized that they'll be better equipped to deal.

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If baby Storm decides to confine to the gender binary and is abundantly masculine/feminine in a way that fits with the societal expectations of their biological sex, will their parents be supportive? If Storm falls in love with ballet, princesses, Barbie, and makeup, will they indulge these interests or push her towards Tonka trunks? It's interesting to wonder about, though clearly there aren't any real answers.

Whatcha think about this? My opinions are clearly ALL over the place, so I'm really curious what other people think of this couple's choice to raise a baby without a known gender.

Much love,
The Sheriff

ads promoting eating disorders?--talkin' yoplait today

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Because I live under a rock and don't actually own a TV (and didn't bother to learn how to turn on my parents' TV while I was living with them), I never saw this ad from Yoplait that NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association, for those not in the loop with the acronyms) got yanked for supposedly promoting eating disorders among viewers.

I think this ad is really interesting because it does capture a lot of sad aspects of modern women and our relationship to food: the denial of desires for supposedly "bad" foods, the immense guilt that comes from enjoying these supposedly sinful treats, the constant comparison of bodies, the precise math calculations done in order to justify a caloric splurge. To me, the mental mathematics absolutely were reminiscent of my eating disorder, trying to see how I could make myself feel at peace with eating a piece of bread or mashed potatoes or a slice of my own birthday cake.

The inner dialogue of most eating disordered individuals is definitely harsher than the thoughts presented in this ad, but that doesn't make it okay just because it's not pathological. The red haired actress notes at the beginning of the ad, "I've been good all day, I deserve it!" As if one needs to deserve or justify one's food choices anyway. Eat what ya damn please! Your food choices, contrary to the thoughts of many women and men struggling with disorder eating and eating disorders, are not a moral issue. They don't make you good or bad. Seriously.

Furthermore, the choice of the actress with the sunken cheeks being the one eating yogurt and the healthier-looking actress being the one experiencing all the inner turmoil, guilt, and envy sends a pretty clear message about which one you should like to be more like.

But does it actually promote eating disorders? Nah. I don't think so. It could be triggering for someone struggling or reinforce the thoughts and beliefs of someone struggling with disordered eating, but for a food company to promote eating disorders, even by making their food appear to be the more virtuous choice for the appearance-concerned woman, is just plain bad business. But Yoplait certainly got a lot of press from this incident, so perhaps it worked out for them.

What do you think? Is this ad worth being pulled, or does it not really push your buttons?

Much love,
The Sheriff

links

The divide between academic feminists and activist feminists. I guess I fall on the activist side, although that always makes me think of people protesting and handing out pamphlets and I haven't done much of that since high school.

A peek into a demographic I frankly don't know much about intimately: why gay men don't get fat. Kinda sad, frankly.

Gala's two-part series on body pressure among fashion bloggers is interesting and eye-opening. Ain't nobody perfect!

Rich corporations will probably always like money more than gays. Sad trombone.

Have you seen the Real L World? I wasn't much of a fan of the first season....at all...but the second one is back and bringing you LOTS OF LESBIAN SEX. If you're into that sort of thing.

Untag this photo:  with new technologies (i.e. digital cameras, smartphones, and Facebook), "more women are aiding their own objectification while maintaining control over their image."

 An open letter to Victoria's Secret about how their marketing really target 15-year-old boys and not grown-ass women. Preach.

Much love,
The Sheriff

mothers, daughters, and scary body image

Almost every female I know has some sort of body image issue or link to their mother: sometimes it's just small things, like my inherited bad relationship with my tummy that all women in my family seem to have (it unites the generations, at least!) and sometimes it's more serious, like witnessing a mother figures descent into an eating disorder to hearing her criticism, aloud or implied, of your thighs or dessert choices. Some very lucky women learn from their moms a strong sense of not giving a fuck about this shit, and to them, I say: I'm jealous.

But in the news lately has been a lot of stories about moms, young daughters, and scary body image stuff. Like the Botox Mom, who claimed she was giving her eight-year-old daughter Botox injections (but now says she was making it all up). Or the Human Barbie mother, who gave her seven-year-old a voucher for breast implants (or another procedure, should she naturally grow awesome boobs) at age 16. According to the article, this kid also got a computer, pink Swarovski ring and matching necklace and a spa weekend for her birthday. Back in my day, we got a cake and a doll and we liked it. But I digress.

Naturally, stories like this are kind of scary and sensationalized, which is why we care about them. How could a mother possibly do these kinds of things to her daughter/lie about them for fame in such a way that we all believed it? How could a mom encourage her daughter to surgically alter her body before encouraging her to just fucking love it first, before going under the knife? And so on, with more generally worrying and judging and such.

I certainly do not condone the actions of these women: they're horrific and scary and hopefully not a harbinger of trends to come for our youngins. But women who have bought into the beauty myth so deeply like this are not necessarily to be blamed. Yes, it would be great if they could critically analyze the world around them and its obscenely difficult-to-uphold beauty standards and show their daughters another way to live, but clearly that ain't what's happening here. These women have just found a more extreme version of the truth we all grapple with: that beauty matters in terms of how you are treated. That being labeled fat or ugly or undesirable can make you incredibly vulnerable to harassment and mistreatment, especially as a kid but long into adulthood. Most of us know and accept this, that attractive people (however society currently and arbitrarily defines that) have it easier to an extent. And most parents only want to make their kid's life easier. I don't agree with these women's methods for doing that, but I do think to shake the finger at them when many of us do the same thing and uphold the same myths is harsh and hypocritical and not really helpful.

What do you think? Is these bitches just crazy, or is the world crazy?

Much love,
The Sheriff

25 years of marriage: some life and love lessons, care of Mama and Papa Sheriff

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Today is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. They were both married (VERY young) to other people, both had a daughter with previous spouse, quickly divorced them and met each other. They worked at Geno's, a chicken and burger fast food chain local to the Philly area: my dad trained my mama, and asked her on a date. The rest is history.

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So I thought today I'd take a break from the sex and body image blogging and just share some things that my parents have said over the last few weeks that I've been home (not that they knew I was squirreling these things away to write about later).

Mama Sheriff says:

--Even after 25 years, he makes me laugh. He drives me crazy, but he makes me laugh.

--Whoever you end up marrying, or living with, or whatever, they're going to change. And you will too. But don't think things will always be the way they are at the beginning.

--I wish I was a lesbian. I can't wait to move to Northampton when Dad dies (yes, she has actually said this. Multiple occasions).

Papa Sheriff says:

--Your mom is hot.

Any good advice you've gotten from your parents, about love or otherwise?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday! links! for you!

I really like this white dude's response to the recent weird occurrences of white dudes pretending to be women in marginalized positions. Bravo!

Totally agree with VA here: we should reclaim the word "fat" as, at the very least, neutral.

IRS apologizes to gay folks for making tax season especially terrible. Good!

Incredibly offensive advice on dating a trans*guy. Wow. Wanna feel angry (or rather, even angrier after all the white dudes pretending to be not white dudes to make their viewpoints seem more valid)? Watch this.

Loved this post about Rihanna's new Man Down video. 

Anti-abortion billboards targeting Latinos now? Great. What will they think of next?

Much love,
The Sheriff

when a friend has an eating disorder: what to do, what to say, how to help

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 Eating disorders thrive in secrecy and lies. So what do you do when a friend or loved one is open about it, but not yet really committing to heal themselves? How can you possibly support someone while they destroy themselves? Because eating disorders, body image, and recovery are a few of my favorite things to talk about (along with sex, Smith College, and baby animals) and because I love breaking the secrecy and taboos that surround them, I get asked about this pretty frequently from lots of different people. Recently, a high school classmate sent me this:

This is a bit out of the blue, but I know from having read your blog and such that you have done an amazing job at overcoming an eating disorder. I could really use some advice. A close friend of mine has been bulimicfor  years. For awhile it stopped...or at least she stopped doing a lot. Recently it has gotten really bad. She is in therapy, but her bulimia seems to be coming second to other problems. So basically I need advice on what to say to her. She knows she has a problem, but says she can't stop. Recently she started telling me every time she throws up, so i know she is reaching out to help but I never know how to respond to her saying things like "my nail is really weak from all the stomach acid it touches" and "I've throw up all my food today." Advice?

My (slightly edited) response:

First of all, let me say your friend is clearly very lucky to have someone who cares a lot about her and is standing by even when things are rough. It can be really hard and scary to bear witness while someone you care about it participating in self destructive behaviors, so props on that.

That being said, it kinda sucks to be in your position in this scenario.

The best thing you can do (even though it feels helpless and is really hard!) is to listen openly and without judgment. Express your concern when appropriate ("Wow, your nails are really weak from stomach acid...that makes me worry about your health" except maybe said in a less cheesy and scripted way) and let her know that you support her in any efforts to get help and decrease/stop purging, but that it's also a behavior you hate. Bulimia is incredibly hard to stop once it's a regular behavior because it actually is physically addicting (the body releases endorphins after you puke), so I'm sure she genuinely does feel that she can't stop.

You should also be prepared for someone with an eating disorder to be lying to you at any moment about it, even if they've been honest in the past: for them, it's a very effective coping mechanism for the stresses of life/trauma/a million other things, and when a well-meaning someone threatens that coping strategy, they will most likely get defensive and lie to keep it protected, secret, and theirs. But be aware that it's not personal.

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But damn if those awkward statements of ED nastiness don't suck. I know I used to say a lot of fucked up shit too, not necessarily for attention per se, but just to have someone acknowledge that I was indeed sick and deserved help. In the moment of awkward statements...You can tell her straight up that you want her to continue being honest with you, AND that comments about her habits and their effects make you tremendously uncomfortable because you're not sure how to support her...and then ask how she wants you to support her. Often times, people with ED/addictions/any problem know what they need and want from their loved ones but don't know how or when to say it, so by opening that space you're doing your friend a huge favor.

Be clear on what you're willing to do to help her handle her urges to purge or skip meals or exercise unhealthily (i.e., maybe you'd be willing to talk to her on the phone when she gets an urge anytime, or you'd come over and paint her nails [a great method for me when I was getting over bulimia because I couldn't make yourself vom with polish all over!], help her find a treatment center for ED, whatever), and then make good on it. Make sure that it is indeed something you can commit to helping with, because there's nothing worse than them reaching out to you and you being unable/unwilling to follow through. Just woman up and tell them what you can feasibly do to support them.

Of course, in general it helps to model positive body image/attitudes towards food/avoid negative commentary on anyone's body/take care of your own mental health needs, but all of that is just fluff when someone is really sick. But it certainly will help you keep yourself in a healthy place, regardless of whether or not they're positively impacted by it.

Have you ever struggled with a friend with an ED and how to talk to them about it, especially when they went out of their way to mention it? How did you deal?

Much love,
The Sheriff

how to spot an eating disorder? weak, Marie Claire

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A story on the front cover Marie Claire magazine caught my eye: 5 ways to spot an eating disorder. Despite the strange verbage in that statement ("spot" an eating disorder? Sounds like a treasure hunt, and not a particularly fun one), I was very curious to see what they named. The magazine's resident dermatologist and psychiatrist, Dr. Amy Weschler, names the following as symptoms and behaviors to keep an eye on: a fine layer of body hair (also known as lanugo), yellow teeth, low self-esteem, lack of periods, and change in appearance.

I experienced all of the above during my years struggling with eating disorders, and know most women who have an ED experience at least one. So why do I have a problem with this article?

Because lanugo and a lack of menstruation are hallmarks of extreme and long-term anorexia, which while deadly and terrifying to watch, is very rare and far less common than bulimia, binge eating disorder (BED), and eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS, the catchall term for individuals who are clearly sick with an eating disorder but don't meet the strict diagnostic criteria of anorexia, bulimia, or BED). The last three disorders are far less glamorous than anorexia and get less excitement and airplay in magazines, but they are just as unhealthy and have the potential to destroy lives and happiness to the same extent as starvation, and to not give the other diseases equal time in such an article is fucking unrealistic and a disservice to readers.

The yellow teeth is noted in regard to bulimia. But such a sympton is incredibly easy to fix (there are dozens of products on the market for teeth whitening), and many bulimics don't necessarily purge by vomiting (laxatives and exercise are also common means, and wouldn't be as easy to "spot" as yellowed teeth). Scared a friend is puking their food? If they chew a lot of gum, have chipmunk cheeks (from overstressed salivary glands), drink a lot of water with their food, and make excuses to visit the bathroom following meals, you might have something to worry about and discuss with them.

I do give them props for mentioning a lack of self-esteem, which can be a risk factor for many issues (drug/alcohol abuse, falling into unhealthy romantic relationships, etc.), not just eating disorders. And a change in appearance is tricky: many people with eating disorders fight to hide their changing shape when they realize it's become obvious that they've gained/lost significant weight, but it can be one indicator that something might be wrong.

Bottom line: If it worries you, it's worth a conversation. And on Wednesday, I'll give you some tips about how to do just that.

friday links

The 5 least romantic ways to maintain a relationship--my parents sleep separately and it's worked for 25 years!

This book sounds really fantastic, about how people are re-defining the institution of marriage to make it work for them. 

A poll now affirms what I already suspected: most people in my generation (so-called "milennials"--who thinks up this crap?) support a woman's right to choose and gay marriage. Yeah! They chalk it up to our different views on gender roles and sexual morality.

On a related note: watching Teen Mom or Sixteen and Pregnant may make you more sympathetic to abortion.

Why your stomach doesn't like health food.

One of the dead women from Kanye's horrific "Monster" music video talks about her experiences filming it.

I am apparently 3/4 man. No lie. Thanks Esquire!

Much love,
The Sheriff

clothes, class, and cleaning ladies: examining perceptions

other cleaning ladies might look like this...

The last few weeks since graduation, I've been working with my mama before my real work begins. Cleaning houses on the Main Line of Philadelphia, specifically. It's quite the experience in any manner of things (learning just how much dirt you can tolerate in someone else's home before you judge them, realizing their three-year-old uses more expensive shampoo than you do, coming up with a polite way to tell them you won't make the bed anymore if they continue to leave soiled panties in it), but lately, it's been wildly educational in terms of how others treat you within that community based on your appearance.

but I usually look like this (minus the shades. And money, of course)

 Clothing can signify a variety of things: mood, style, ethnicity, comfort with revealing skin, and most pertinent to this post, job/income. While my Mama wears polo shirts and old jeans, I wear ratty workout clothes (certainly not the pricey Lululemon yoga pants favored in those parts, more like worn-out, accidentally  bleached tee shirts and ill-fitting shorts) and we both generally smell of Lysol after a long day's work. It is clear that we are outsiders in this land of Lily Pulitzer and BMWs, and I'm generally fine with that. I labor, I make my money, I leave.

But, per usual, the Sheriff can't go anywhere without getting pissed about some sort of -ism.

While shopping in these uber-wealthy neighborhoods, our clothes clearly reveal our lower economic station and particular occupation. Costco, in particular, seems to bring out the rudeness and classism hidden in these folks. Costco is a weird place on the Main Line: despite the fact that it's whole premise is about buying in bulk to save money (like Sam's or BJ's), it's always packed and the customers are incredibly rude to each other, but especially towards us. Cutting people off with carts and jumping in line is par for the course, as is rudely demanding items and assistance from the staff. They have actually sneered at my mother and I (even more pronounced as I run to get the free samples of food), swaggering about in our dirty work clothes while they are crisply ironed and coiffed. We have even been approached in Costco TWICE by people looking for cleaning ladies (one woman indicated she wanted us specifically because we spoke English. Charming). It's that obvious that we don't belong, and the treatment given decidedly reveals that.

Talking to the poor folks who work at this particular location reveals that while at normal Costco locations, the customers are required to bring their coupons with them to get their discount, at this store, people put up such a fuss that they just automatically give everyone the discount to avoid a fight with a prick, trippin' on their own privilege. Costco is also the only place on the Main Line that I have ever seen Hispanic or black people...and they're all working there. They're also nice to Mama Sheriff and I. Is it because they know we also commute an hour to work in those gilded neighborhoods? Or is just because they have to be kind to make their hourly wage? I'll never know, but I appreciate it nonetheless while I'm in (what feels like) hostile territory.

Let it be said, however, that the vast majority of my Mama's actual clients are wonderful people: I have babysat their children, housesat for them, fed their horses, and she has been to their weddings and christenings. Which clearly indicates that once you know someone well enough, differences of economic stature and education don't have to be dividing lines. But at least out in public, with poorly dressed strangers, many people don't give that a chance to occur.

Have you ever been treated poorly because of your appearance? Or, have you ever judged someone and maybe treated them crappy based on theirs? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

30 years later.

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Yesterday marked the 30th anniversary of first formal medical report on the disease that we know today as AIDs. It's hard for me to imagine, having been born in 1989 and all, a world without a fear of contracting death through sexual contact with people we love.

Despite the increased awareness and research and ever-evolving treatments for HIV and AIDs, every year 50,000 Americans are infected with HIV according to the CDC. 50,000 people. And that's in America alone, where many people are educated about how the disease is contracted. The stats on other countries where stigmas about the disease often prevent people from access to adequate information and care are absolutely staggering.

So with these startling numbers, I ask you to do a little reading today somewhere else on the World Wide Web. Read some testimonials of people living (and often thriving!) with HIV. Read about the stats, the research, how you can help through donations, read and develop some compassion for these infected individuals who are not really that different from you. But most of all, please read about how to protect yourself. And then, for the love of God, go out and fuckin' do it. No one thinks they're the kind of person to get HIV, and that's a stereotype we need to smash. We are all vulnerable. Get tested, use barrier methods, practice safer needle use. Do what it takes to keep yourself and your loved ones safe.

Much love,
The Sheriff

links!

First of all: Sorry for the sparse posting lately. Life has been apeshit insane, BUT I promise to be more regular starting Monday. On to the links! 

Octo-mom Nadya Suleman's fertility doctor FINALLY has his license revoked.

Interested to see what craziness comes out from this: Palin's emails from her time as governor of Alaska to be released.

Personhood debates. Eesh. Hoping this doesn't get in the way of access to birth control even more than recent BS already has. 

Humorous: male stripper workin' the pole on the subway.

I'll get drunk if I want! Damn fuckin' right!

Much love,
The Sheriff