chris brown, homophobia, & hypermasculinity; or, why chris brown is such a douchebag

Once again, Chris Brown has showed the world what a nice young man he is. Reportedly, when a journalist asked him on his way out of da club what he thought of Frank Ocean's recent revelation of his bisexuality, Brown's response was (allegedly), "Man, no homo."

Cuuuuute.

Of course, Brown is denying it and taking to his favorite platform of Twitter to do so. But whether he made this specific homophobic comment is sort of beside the point, since he evidently has a history of doing so (sidebar: he also has a history of pretty terrible lyrics in his songs lately with dubious, grandiose claims, including the song "Sweet Love," wherein he croons "Tonight is the night/That I change your life/Let me control your body." Change my life by controlling my body? I'm good, Chris Brown. I'm good).

So. Why is Brown such an asshole?

Well, I can't account for why he beat the living crap out of Rihanna, but as for his homophobia, I've got a good idea. It's because of hyper-masculinity and in particular how important it is within the black community.

If being a man is defined as being the aggressor, the breadwinner, the One Who Handles Business, than the act of allowing oneself to be penetrated by another man (like a lowly woman! gasp!) is perhaps the lowest you can get (hence the term "down low" for the sexual switch that sometimes happens in prisons). An emphasis on these traditional values also explains Brown's ridiculous behavior generally (like when he continues to respond excessively in Twitter fights instead of just laying down like he should), as does looking at him with a lens for misogyny. Sure, he sings sappy songs and sensual tunes about his love for women('s vaginas), but serious hatred of gay men and the act of gay sex is rooted in a hatred for women and their perceived vulnerability.

What say ya'll? Is Chris Brown a hyper-masculine misogynist, or am I just tossing around big words for the hell of it?

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--follow us on Twitter!  Or Facebook!

reddit rapists have something to say

I'm gonna be real--I'm not always on the top of the latest, coolest tech-savvy thing. I'm lusting over an iPhone (mostly so I can use the adorable case I bought preemptively), but otherwise, I'm pretty behind on the times. I just got a Twitter about a month ago, people (shameless plug: follow FF here!). And I certainly don't know much about Reddit, but I have seen that infographic that shows it's a pretty male-dominated social media source, about 75% dudes or so. It's the masculine, bro-like balance of Pinterest's wedding boards and craft rooms, I suppose.

Whatever Reddit is, recently there was a thread started on it about sexual assault. Not too unusual, except that it featured the POV of the people doing the raping (warning--that link contains some excerpts that might be triggering or just unsettling).

There were lots of (often gross, misogynistic, creepy) perspectives shared, and a weird level of insight into the way that these men thought about the act. But most of them really just saw it as sex. Not as a power play (though several did mention the fact that men generally have superiod physical strength), not as an act of patriarchy, but as sex. Sex gone awry, perhaps. But sex nonetheless.

I found it startling how a few of them noted that they wanted to rape but couldn't go through with it once they looked the woman in the face; once faced by the fact that this was an actual person that they were about to violate, they stopped. The detail with which they were able to account these incidents was also startling.

But most startling is to be able to read these accounts that confirm, from the rapist's perspective, that rape happens usually not because of a stranger in the bushes with a knife, but generally because of a friend who got too drunk and stopped listening to protests or treating women like people or chose to hear his/her hormones instead of her (perhaps audible, perhaps not) protestations.

We need to have more open conversations about rape, yes. But bigger than that, we need to work to see women as people, truly as people, not as objects for sexual conquest or social advancement. We need to train people to see sex not as a sport or competition, but as an act mutually enjoyed between two people in which consent is actively pronounced through language or the body, not just assumed.

Readers--what do you think of this thread? Can we learn something from it, or is just a chance for rapists to feel better about what they did by knowing they're not alone?

Much love,
The Sheriff

why go unprivate?

This blog has sadly vacillated between public and private depending on my employment needs at the time.

But I've decided that (hopefully for the foreseeable future!), this purdy little blog shall be public.

Why?

Because more people can read and discuss it. And that's always better.

Because having it private feels claustrophobic and breaks my heart. Sure, having it public feels scary and anxiety-provoking too. But that's okay.

Because it's just easier for ya'll.

So feel free to spread the word and enjoy the free and open FF!

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--Follow on Twitter (because I have 8 followers right now and that's sad)!

friday links

This woman bravely took photos of her own abortion.

Why six year old girls want to be sexy.

On a happier note about children--one 8 year old's reasons why being a girl rocks.

How to stay out of jail while pregnant. What the what.

People always be in a powerful lady's business--Mayer, new Yahoo exec, is pregnant.

Much love,
The Sheriff

want a cure for your body image woes? go outside

Somehow, even with as much as I know about how women's magazines just make me feel fat and ugly and poor, I buy them every month. The glossy covers and promises of quick solutions and quick read articles just suck me in and waste my money. Like a true addict, I always have promises to stop but can't quite commit to sobriety.

But sometimes, these magazines have true nuggets of wisdom buried in the articles about how to control your disgusting body, and this month's issue of Fitness magazine had just such a bit. It said that a recent study found that spending time in nature improves your body image. They suggest that without mirrors and other things that can lead to obsessiveness over appearances, you're able to silence your inner critic better.

Having worked at an outdoorsy summer camp for the last month, I can speak to this being true. Further, it helps that when one is in nature, one is rarely wearing work pants that require you to button them up (sometimes quite tightly) and suck in your gut, but is more likely to wear workout clothes that let you move freely without being perpetually aware of how tight your clothes are.

But I think there's another reason that being in nature works so well to heal your body image wounds: it makes you get lost in something bigger than yourself. It's hard to worry about how big your thighs are when you're standing among the redwoods.

It's not always possible to have this kind of escape, though. Living in Philadelphia, there's tons of parks but I don't always have the chance to get to one and wonder around and appreciate the flowers (or I do, but it's night time and I just don't trust Philly parks at night). What to do then? I try to get lost in something. Anything. Something that makes your heart beat faster, whether that's comic books or writing or watching videos of cats online, takes you outside of your petty body concerns and into the better part of yourself. The part that knows that you're bigger than your body.


Much love,
The Sheriff

refusing to be a doormat or a harpy

I agree with those who say that the girl who addressed Tosh in the middle of his set was not necessarily going about it the right way--indeed, she is a fucking heckler, as pointed out by BennyBoo in the comments.

So how do we practically address sexism in everyday life, in jokes, in conversations, on the interwebs? And, for people who work directly with kids who are little sponges waiting to absorb all the nasty biases that surround them, how do we address it in the classroom or workplace?

Recently, I had this issue. I'm working at a summer camp for absurdly rich children, and the man who runs the camp has done this his whole life, and based on his clothes and treatment of female campers, I think it's safe to say that he's firmly stuck in the late 1950s/early 1960s. A man of the times he ain't. But a sexist? Perhaps. One of the other counselors was talking about a case of extreme Stockholm syndrome in which a woman who had been brutally beaten by her husband (as in, her face was distorted and fucked up from daily brutality), but she testified and swore up and down that he had never hurt her. My classy boss then makes the remark, "Wow, where do I find a woman like that?" and chuckled. My whole face got hot and I awkwardly said, "That's not really funny," and walked away.


Was this a perfect response? Nah. I felt like I should've done more.  But at least he saw that it was not a remark I took to be humorous and that those kinds of comments are not appropriate with employees (or, ya know, anybody).

So how can we point out sexism and things that are fucked up without coming across as shrew harpies (NOT because it matters if you come off brash, but because it makes people less inclined to hear your potent and real message)? A few tips.

*Don't be accusatory. People rarely, if ever, want to hear someone tell them about themselves, especially if that includes that they are being a sexist bigot.

*Stick to facts and calm statements. I.e., saying "What you said about women/other races/gays made me uncomfortable/isn't appropriate/is untrue/is not funny," is likely to be heard and maybe even successfully discussed. "You always say sexist things!" is not.

*Don't talk over people's heads. If your ancient uncle Morty still thinks it's okay to slap a waitress's ass as she walks by, spitting feminist theory at him is likely to overwhelm, alienate, and frustrate him. Also, it makes you sound douchey.

How have you addressed sexism in the workplace/world/internets? Has it been well received, or are you too just a shrew harpy? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

I haven't yet read Fifty Shades of Grey (although my Mama has it on her nightstand!), but this review of it is amazing.

For my nerd ladies.

What the FUCK? Kate Upton apparently can be called fat now.

The woman who stood up to Joe Paterno. This lady reminds me of little Sheriff fighting the wrestling team's power in my hometown.

Have a great weekend!

Much love,
The Sheriff

it's not funny: tosh's rape joke

Surely you've heard by now about Daniel Tosh's rape joke incident, but for those not so on top of the latest offensive happenings, here's a brief synopsis: Tosh is performing and says that anything can be funny, including rape. Woman in the crowd responds that rape isn't funny (you go girl), and Tosh responds thusly: "Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl [referring to an audience member who “heckled” him about rape jokes not being funny earlier in his set] got raped by, like, five guys right now? Like right now?”

 My thoughts:

A. Rape jokes aren't really funny. Jokes in which a woman or man is forcibly penetrated or violated? Not hilarious. Not even funny when they're about Jerry Sandusky (perhaps a form of just desserts, but not funny per se).

B. What Tosh said to that woman was a personal attack, a form of bullying, and a tacit endorsement of our rape culture. What? Yes. Jokes are intended to poke fun at our culture, to make us think, to make us laugh. His statement that wouldn't it be funny if she was raped, by like, five guys, right now, is none of those thinks. It is a reflection of our culture in which rape is an acceptable way to keep women in line. Of keeping them from heckling "nice guys" like Tosh while they go about their very important business of entertaining. Of making sure that they abide by certain societal expectations and rules that regulate their behavior, their dress, and their appearance. Of keeping us afraid.


What do you think? Am I being too harsh on poor little Tosh? Or is it true that some shit just isn't funny?

Much love,
The Sheriff

different sex drives: how to keep it balanced and still hot

Not everyone is as into sex as I am. Shocking, I know, given my fondness for vibrators and discussing birth control and VCH piercings, but sometimes this fact still surprises me. And not just not "into" it, but also wanting less of it. People have drastically different preferences and desires. But when you're in a sexual relationship and you and your partner are on opposite sides of the spectrum sex-drive wise, it can be deeply frustrating and even hurtful.

Dips in libido can be caused by any manner of shit (mostly bad shit too): stress, big changes, depression, medical problems, new babies, fatigue. We've all experienced at least one of these factors at some point in time, but sometimes when it's our partner rejecting our tender (or, per the Sheriff's style, blatant) advances, it can be difficult to remember that libido changes over time. But pressuring your partner ain't likely to lead to the great sexual experience and connection you're after anyway.

So. How do you deal when your partner wants more or less of the deed than you do?

This is a biggie (and by no means easy to do): have some compassion with where they're coming from. This applies to both parties--if your girl wants to get it on less often than you do because she's studying for her LSATs and juggling a job, it might be time to lay off and cuddle more often, perhaps taking your needs into your own hands. Generally, changes in libido are temporary--they won't last forever, and while it might feel that way when it's been seemingly ages since you got laid, your partner is sure to appreciate that you were able to put their needs above your own urges.

On the other hand, if you find yourself being the one saying no more frequently, it might be worth it to consider how much you can give your partner without feeling like you're just a sexual doormat. While owning your desire is deeply important and empowering, within a relationship it is also of paramount importance to think of your partner's feelings too. If you turn them down on the regular, eventually they'll start to feel that their desires aren't legitimate, which blows. So, if you're the person without the time, energy, or mood, look at if you can offer them a bit of affection or even meet them halfway on occasion by helping them get off. These gestures go a long way.

Above all else, both people need to keep in mind that their partner ISN'T THEM and doesn't always feel the way they do about gettin' it in (Sheriff struggles with this at times), and to have some mercy for where their sexual buddy is coming from.

Have you ever had drastically different libidos than your partner? How did you work it out?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

First of all, I love Pinterest for almost any purpose. It's incredibly addicting. But Jessica Valenti's pin board Sad White Babies with Mean Feminist Mommies is hilarious.

How woman can avoid burnout at work before 30. I feel that line about being shocked by the drudgery of the work world for sure.

There is a Palestinian Woman's Football League. Awesome (hint to the Americans: It's really soccer!).

Being a dad can actually be shitty. Interesting POV.

Much love,
The Sheriff

strip club jealousy: is it natural, a reflection of our society, or is it insecurity?

Now, don't laugh, but until Marvel, I never dated anyone who openly copped to enjoying going to strip clubs. The rest either found it gross, or awkward, or expensive and silly. But Marvel, evidently, loved them through his time in the military and onward. It wasn't until he mentioned early in our romance that he had been to one recently and I began crying and yelling and generally acting like a fool that he stopped. A similar incident was profiled in season 3 of The Wire between a lesbian couple, for the record. But the incident and conversations we've had since had made me wonder what it is precisely about strip clubs that makes many women jealous.

source

First off, it's probably simply that some other lady is grinding her at least partially naked ass all over someone who I claim as mine. Could be that, for starters.

But in all seriousness, why do we get so jealous and uncomfortable (and by "we" I might mean "my jealous ass") about partners going to strip clubs?

It could simply be natural. We are just not inclined to like the idea of someone that we have copulated with and decided is ours and whom we are loyal to enjoying a seat in the front row at a titty bar. Hormones bond us and ensure that we don't want to stray too far. We want the same from them. And realistically, there are strippers who do have sex with their clients for money. The threat is then not simply that one's partner will find other folks appealing, but that they might also have an opportunity to cheat. Very few people like getting cheated on. I don't have science to back me up here, but just trust me on that shit: nobody likes being played. And knowing your partner is getting a lap dance can feel like you are getting played.

The jealousy could also be a reflection of our society. We have been trained from a young and tender age to expect full monogamy, and women especially have been fed horseshit like this about what an ideal relationship should be:

 

Makes sense that if you think he should give up his recreational sports league and his job in order to ensure that your every emotional need is met, ya might be a little peeved if he's hanging out at the strip club. Meet your own emotional needs first, and this ceases to be as much of an issue (just sayin').

Third possible cause of strip club jealousy syndrome: garden variety insecurity. If you feel that your own body is not up to snuff, you will not want other ladies (who you surely picture in your head as thin and lithe and perky of breast and with uplifted but feminine cheeks...in other words, the things that you imagine you're not) workin it' all over your partner. It only serves to increase the feelings that you're not good enough--surely, if you were, he'd be at home with you, not at the club with her and her six-inch heels, right?

Personally, I think it's all three mixed together. When you're invested in a person, you want to be the only one they want, even if that's unrealistic. That's probably a societal residue that taints our relationships. However, biology suggests that our hormones drive this instinct too--once you've released that oxytocin and bonded with someone enough, you want their affections and attention to be yours alone. And naturally, the fact that your partner can get another lady to grind on them (among other acrobatic feats) with her "perfect" body is likely to exacerbate any existing bodily insecurities for sure, given the fact that we live in a culture where a woman's worth is measured largely based on her perceived sexual attractiveness and how she stacks up compared to some unattainable and arbitrary standards.

I'd love to hear a rebuttal for this, and have asked Marvel to write me an explanation of what the draw of strip clubs is, gross, sexist reasons and all. We'll see what happens!

What do you think? Are women jealous about their partners visiting strip clubs because of nature, our society's emphasis on extreme monogamy or insecurity? Or is it all three? Talk to me.

Much love, 

The Sheriff

it's too comfortable in here...maybe

The arch that the average relationship follows is well-known: two people meet, they awkwardly talk, perhaps drunkenly fuck, exchange numbers, hang out to get more sex, accidentally realize that they're both great people, hang out some more, never want to be apart because the other person is amazing and sexy and perfect, fuck all the time, gradually grow super comfortable and start burping and farting and sneezing in front of each other, romance is lost forever.

Or does it?

I'm grappling with this one a bit myself: is it possible to be too comfortable with each other in a romantic relationship? Marvel seems to think no, that all level of bodily functions are cool to talk about or even perform in front of each other. The Sheriff, until Marvel, could barely own up to farts in front of past partners and would blame things on fumes or passing dogs.

source

On the YES, you can get too comfortable side: some level of secrecy and mystery must be maintained (at least until babies, at which point it appears that all manner of decency and sleep and regular showering ceases for a few weeks/months) to keep the romance alive. Poop talk is rarely an aphrodisiac (unless that's your thang, in which case, do it up).

source

On the NO side, let's keep it real side: your partner is a human, and being human means sometimes that you fart. The closeness that comes with that level of trust, in believing that your partner will still find you sexy even if they know what your snot looks like or how ugly your face gets when you're about to cry, is worth the slight decrease is sex appeal. Besides, trust can be very sexy (think S&M and disclosure of fantasies).

I still maintain though that a fart in the middle of a sexy conversation is a mood ruiner, and that sometimes, people need to know to maintain their rectal integrity and hold it in for the illusion. But, as I found when I recently had an, erhm, compromise in my rectal integrity in the middle of sex, sometimes the ridiculousness and laughter that it encourages makes it worth the momentary pause in the performance.

Where do you stand on this serious issue?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

The Air Force is contending with an expanding emerging sexual harassment and abuse scandal. Sad for the absurdly high number of women impacted by this, and shameful for the organization as a whole.

Women and men handle work stress differently. Interesting!

How one woman grew to love her laugh lines. At 23, I'm already mildly panicked about my forehead lines, so this was a good read for me.

Fascinating: people compliment differently depending on gender and a whole bunch of things.

LOVE this one. How to prepare for your bikini reveal? Give less of a fuck.

I grapple with some of the prejudicial issues she points out in here (as in, I unconsciously engage in them without wanting to be an asshole), but the Fat Nutritionist has some great perspective, including this gem: "And despite popular belief, you cannot presume to know a person’s behaviour based solely on their weight."

Happy weekend!

Much love,
The Sheriff

big city beauty--it's hard out here for a lady

As you may know/may not care, I moved to Philly along with a few biddies from Smith. It has been a delightful freshman year of life, full of the requisite ups and downs, like learning how awful dating really can be in a male-dominated world, how to accidentally become locked in your own apartment (that would be the Sheriff that surmounted that life hurdle), and how to negotiate public transit.

Philly is extremely different from Smith. People think Philly, and they think of this guy

and these.

 But Philly is not just a gritty, manly, post-industrial city. It's also a place with a high concentration of people, and in some pockets, money, and a lot of that money appears to invested in beauty.

Cities seem to buy into the beauty myth far more than small towns and rural areas. Having not really live in suburbia, I can't speak to that, but the concentration of wealth and housewives would make me inclined to think that they also are riding on the strict beauty standard train.

There's gyms galore, and Lithe Method classes to attend, and facials to get (which are evidently a monthly necessity, according to a woman who gave me a much-needed massage recently). There's eyebrows to wax and other "unsightly" hair to deal with and teeth to bleach. I feel far more pressure here to maintain a certain standard than I have at any other point in my life.

Granted, I have so far lived primarily in a woodsy small town that had a shit ton of beauty salons and very few pretty people. I've also spent a few years in the lesbian capital of the U.S. where the beauty standard seemed to mostly hinge on brushing your teeth regularly. I went out dancing more than once in snowboots and ungroomed brows and had no trouble getting my drinks purchased for me, a fact that speaks to the more relaxed standards.

Cities are different. While the large number of sheer bodies increases the fact that there's someone out there who's going to find whatever look I'm putting out there sexy, regardless of if I'm wearing a bra of just ate garlic hummus, the general standard and expectation is elevated and closer to the bullshit we see portrayed in magazines. And that's dangerous. I don't think it's a coincidence that this nation's first eating disorder treatment facility, the Sheriff's own Renfrew Center, started in Philadelphia, a major city surrounded by a bunch of incredibly wealthy suburbs.

But that's just my theory. Have you found that to be true? Or do you think small towns can have poisonous beauty standards too?

Much love,
The Sheriff

yay, healthcare!

This is a half-assed post, but I think we should all be okay with that because...

This is a huge victory for, well, everyone with a body in the United States of America. Because while we talk a lot of shit here about body image and eating disorders and those types of body issues, bodies are also prone to health problems which can easily financially destroy the average family.

So! In honor of that, here's a pretty easily understandable breakdown of Obamacare. And here's a breakdown of what it all means for your vagina (hint: not getting knocked up becomes more affordable! YAY!).

Much love,
The Sheriff