Friday links

I need a puppy. Here's why.


Some fun myths about female anatomy!

Unrelated to feminism and fornicating, but a great read nonetheless--how gun violence in Philly is creating a whole generation of traumatized people.

This post is phenomenal, about dealing with meta self esteem. READ IT. 

Here in PA, a law was passed that regulates voters by requiring them to have an ID to vote. Not a big deal, right? Except that is disproportionately affects people who vote Democrat. Here's a guide to all the coverage on this important topic.

This woman married young and is ashamed of it. Good read!

A cool photo history of abortion law in the U.S.


Enjoy the weekend!
Much love,
The Sheriff

desirability and self-esteem: the danger of trusting beauty to the eye of the beholder

As we all know by now, a lady's number one goal in life is to be wanted, be pretty, and to be thin (having babies is a close second. Your uterus calls, woman!). This is reinforced to us by our women's magazines that pair the articles on how to raise your self-esteem with how to camouflage your gross body, by men's magazines that illustrate verbally and visually all that is wrong with you, and just everyday life.

That sarcastic critique aside...it's understandable why most of us want to feel desirable, to feel desired by someone. There is little else sexier on this planet than feeling like someone wants you. And it informs our self-esteem, like it or not.

source

But unfortunately, the pursuit of this feeling puts the power in the hands of others. Sometimes those others are people who care for you and your well-being, like a significant other or consistent and nice fuck buddy. But sometimes it means putting your own desirability into the hands of random people, like the frat boys on the bus who are (not so subtly) checking you out, or the guidos who yell out of their Mitsubishi, "Whoa, look at those tits!" (Which may or may not have happened to me waiting to cross the street in Atlantic City last wee). And that's sad and gross.

Furthermore, BEAUTY FADES. We can't control it as much as we'd like to believe we can, despite the magical powers and products of Sephora. As pointed out in Sarah Von's great post on What's The Point of Pretty?, it fades (according to society's youth-centered definition) each day and there's nothing you can do to preserve it precisely as it is.

And trying to fit into this mold of desirability holds us back in so many small but heartbreaking ways. It tears us down and we can't do anything about it if we keep giving ourselves away.

So what to do? Take it back! It's not easy to stop wanting attention and wanting to feel desirable, especially given all the conditioning and reinforcement ladies receive for it. But if you focus on doing the things that make you feel desirable and wanted, not the performance of what you think you should do, you're on the right track. Better yet, form a personality and full life so compelling, you won't have too much energy left to focus on if you're meeting the hotness requirements of the random strangers you meet in bars.

Do you ever fall into this desirability trap? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

"just playin'"--sexual harassment and pressure in the workplace

My freshman year of life was spent in a largely male-dominated environment--specifically, a beefy black man environment. Given my role in life as a petite, busty, blonde, there was natural humor to be found in the contrast between their role and appearance in the workplace and mine. A bro-like relationship developed.

the best picture of "bros" I could find

There was often a lot of joking, some of it related to sex and bodies...which of course led to some directed at the Sheriff's outrageous shape. Given the fact that it is my workplace, I didn't disclose that I've been writing a blog about sex that includes stories of my VCH piercing or attempts at anal, but I can't hide my body, no matter how hard I try. Most of the jokes were presumably good-natured or at the very least not ill-intentioned, and some of them were even funny! But sometimes, I just felt uncomfortable. Having your butt or boobs verbally poked at gets old, at best. I started to wonder why sexual harassment/sexual annoyance when men get in groups is so damn common.

From what I've gathered and surmised, it looks like men bond over sexualizing women. Boys clubs are all about bonding over sexualizing women. Being able to comfortably talk to and bond with the men at my work is important to me, but why does blending in and being successful mean acting like a dude?

Because! As we all know, any subordinated group has to conform to the dominant group's ways in order to be seen and be successful. This ranges from women having to wear boring, sexless suits to work to be taken seriously or the Williams sisters' wearing of beads on the tennis court being criticized as inappropriate.

So how do I point out that sometimes it makes me uncomfortable without being a shrill harpy? I think changing the subject simply is the best way. Sometimes the jokes are genuinely funny, so changing the subject or gently pointing out that I don't want to hear that should be reserved for the more obnoxious situations.

What do you do about this? Ever encounter it in your world?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

In case you were under a rock: Todd Akin's insanely preposterous and wrong comments about how when a woman is legitimately raped, her body will "shut down" a pregnancy. Because SCIENCE. 

From Eve Ensler: Dear Todd Akin (fun fact: I hugged Eve Ensler at an event at Smith. It was awesome).

Could I be pregnant? flowchart (warning: it's not scientific, like Todd Akin's views on rape).

Shocking! Romney has no support from black voters.

Just in case you were feeling too secure about yourself--here's everything that dudes think is wrong with you.

Much love,
The Sheriff

lessons from the freshman year of life

As many of ya'll know, the Sheriff (yours truly) went to Smith College, the land of feminism and liberalism and far too many nose rings. Looking back, everything is in some sort of Instagram style filter--I ate exotic foods downtown! I debated the important of gender and class until 3AM! I had #whitegirlcollegeproblems! Even as I juggled part-time jobs and occasional douche bag significant other woes, life was good.

And it came to an end. And I stumbled into the Real World during one of the worst recessions since the Depression, with about $35K in debt and a terribly UNspecific plan to do important things that mattered, fabulously. The freshman year of life was tumultuous, no doubt about it. I over-drafted my account far more than I'd like to admit, wasted time and energy on men who were so far from right, and endured my first actual back pain from late night lesson planning. But I also signed my first lease, learned how to use the Philly subway, and enjoyed some incredible late night dancing, all while inching ever so slightly closer to figuring out my purpose in life.

Some lessons and reflections from this year, some of which I'm still processing:

--It's okay to still not know what you want to do in life. But forward motion is what matters. Be proactive, do research, explore some options. Take some risks! It's terrifying in this economy to abandon a well-paying gig for the unknown, so I'm not advocating putting yourself in the poorhouse, but this process of finding your way towards work and a life that fulfills you is the important part, not just reaching the destination of ultimate success and fulfillment that we imagine is waiting at the end of the rainbow.

--On that note: having a big, scary notion of success that motivates you in a positive way is exhilarating and wonderful. But it's really far more important to try to ditch those definitions of success that make you feel like you're a failure or not enough. To quote Kate of Eat The Damn Cake (which I'm clearly obsessed with), "I think about it like this: GOLD MEDAL NOBEL PEACE PRIZE PULITZER A MILLION DOLLARS GIANT BOOK DEAL HOUSEHOLD NAME SUPERMODEL MOVIE STAR EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LOVES YOU MORE THAN THEY LOVE THEIR KIDS." I usually think of success like this too. It doesn't help that my parents are mildly disappointed by the fact that I'm not at least a Senator of a small state yet. And it's doing me absolutely NO GOOD. Click here to read more of that excerpt from ETDC. Seriously. Do it.

--Know your checking account balance. Err'day. Overdraft fees suck.

--Find the things that you loved about college and try to re-create them in whatever place you're in now. Loved having a community of women? Reach out to people who live near you, or nurture the friendships you already have developed. Missing the thirsty Thursdays? Make sure that you enjoy after work happy hours! Wish you still had that intellectual stimulation? Join a class or go to lectures at a nearby campus.

--Give yourself time to be by yourself. It'll let you figure things out, like what's really important to you and what hobbies you actually like when you're not busy avoiding writing papers.

--RELAX. There is actually no deadline by which you must have your life figured out or else be branded a failure (none that anyone's told me about yet!). There are lots of ways to live an incredible and fulfilling life that makes you happy without it being totally perfect. You will get there. And I will to.

What've you learned this year, freshman year of life or not?

Much love,
The Sheriff

poor Missouri has to deal with Todd Akin

Did you know that victims of legitimate rape don't get pregnant?

Yup. It's true. If you're Todd Akin and inventing your own science.

Recently, this Representative from Missouri (a Republican nominee for Senate) made the claim that "legitimate rape" victims don't get pregnant from their rape.

Problematic for several absolutely awful reasons.

1. This is just so bad, it seems like an article from The Onion.

2.  There is no illegitimate rape. If a sexual act occurs and consent was not part of it, it's rape. Even without a rape. Even without scary bushes and a creepy van.

3. The fact that a MAN is trying to define rape and trying to restrict a woman's access to abortion after a crime has been committed on her body and left her with an involuntary pregnancy is beyond understanding.

4. What doctors is he talking to that tell him these things? Why do we have a significant portion of our country that thinks it can ignore science and facts about things ranging from the functioning of a females reproductive system to the erosion of our planet?

Oy. SO MANY FEELINGS. Your thoughts on this absurdity?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

A decidedly interesting take on beauty, if you're into reality TV.

Mobile paternity testing? What the what?!

Eff street harassment.

Schooling homophobes with the Bible. Excellent.

Much love,
The Sheriff

the whole mess of religion and birth control

Someone on Twitter (shout out @ThortsMagorts!) asked me recently for a post on birth control and religion and what all the fuss is about. If birth control violates your religion, why don't you just not take it? Which, frankly, is a great question.

source

It's complicated.

Most religious people generally are sane folks who don't meddle too much in people's personal affairs. But a fair share of them seek ways to limit women's access to abortion and birth control. There's arguments about the sanctity of life and not trying to act like God by controlling the number and timing of children (like the Duggars, from 19 and Counting or whatever number of kids they're up to now).

But often it's about controlling women and their bodies and their choices. With the recent provisions of the Affordable Care Act, insurance companies are required to cover contraception with no co-pays for the women whose health care they are covering. Even employers with a religious lean. Which some people are pretty upset about, because unfortunately self-righteousness means that religious people think they know what's best for everyone and want to extend their religion to EVERYBODY.

The law actually leaves quite a bit of space for religious freedom--of individuals, not of businesses since businesses are not people. If a woman does not want contraception to be covered by her insurance company or employer, she won't buy it or ask them to cover it. Boom. Done. Sounds like religious freedom to me.

Do you think that employers/insurance companies should have to cover birth control? 

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

I love this list: Is Your Relationship Normal?

Yes.

Ever wonder what kind of woman would get a late-term abortion? Check this out.


I love everything about this: the upside of ugly, and why we shouldn't teach girls that being beautiful is a worthy goal.


Not necessarily about fornicating or feminism, but interesting: what foreigners think of America.


Much love,
The Sheriff

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Leave Lolo Jones Alone

The New York Times featured an article on Saturday written by Jere Longman entitled "For Lolo Jones, Everything Is Image." Longman basically kinda roasts Lolo, as you could probably guess from the title, and claims that she's basically just a bunch of image and sexy acting but without any athletic achievement to back it up.

Hold on, boy.

I am not a fan of Lolo. Or the Olympics in general. It's fascinating, in a vague kind of way, like how I feel about the fact that it is possible to buy skin cream that costs over $100 an ounce. But I don't like how this guy seems to be unfairly targeting her (a woman of color) for doing something that ALL athletes do (creating an image and having endorsements). You think Ryan Lochte is just naturally that much of a frat boy (...well, maybe)?

The fact that he takes issue with how she portrays herself as "vixen, virgin, victim" is especially irksome. Vixen? She's a vixen for posing for nude photos (which were pretty tasteful, by the way)? Na, I don't buy it. Dozens of female athletes are oversexualized and their bodies fetishized not for their skill or talent but for their taut muscles. Jones is no different. As for her virginity, she's open about it and how it impacts her dating life. Marketing strategy? Perhaps. But by talking it up, the media is only helping her to work it harder. As for her being a victim, she has mentioned her hard childhood in interviews (poor, father was in and out of jail, moved around a lot, lived in the basement of a Salvation Army). But having watched some of them, it hardly seems like she's playing up her victimhood. She's telling her story, openly. She's not begging for a handout, just stating the facts of her life.

And why is she getting so much attention? Because last time she participated in the Olympics, she was in the lead and on the way to a goal when she tripped on a hurdle, and then cried on the track. This is the perfect setup for a redemption based comeback story for her, so of course there's more focus on her than the other track and field athletes. Also? This is America. Not many folks care about track and field.  We can focus on one, maybe two athletes for each sport.

What do you think? Is he right to critique her for being all style, no substance?

Much love,
The Sheriff


PS--follow me on Twitter!
PPS--for a humorous take on the oversexualization of female athletes, check this out: sports photographed the same way they do to volleyball.

Friday Links!

I don't really give a hoot about the Olympics, but this is pretty damn great.

How to deal with "pretty sister syndrome" in the office.

Taking back the "F" word from CampusFeminist.

This is a fantastic article about the risks and rewards that female journalists face.

Why it's hard for men to say bye bye to their bachelor status. I have some feelings about this one.

Thanks to the economy, the U.S. birth rate has fallen dramatically. Interesting to think about the implications for that.

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--follow us on Twitter!  Or Facebook!

gym membership guilt

I've got a gym membership, like a good girl in her 20s should. Sweat Fitness in Philly. It's a nice enough gym, not too expensive if they give you the special holiday discounts, and clean. Kinda industrial-cool decor. And I do enjoy working out, using my body, and feeling strong doing it. But I have never felt such guilt as I do each day when I look at my innocent little gym card on my key ring and think how long it's been since I've swiped it on my way in the building. 

There's something just so seemingly good about people who go to the gym regularly. That trim lady with the enviable triceps who is there, every morning, virtuously working her body. The buff guy, staring himself in the mirror while he crunches his obliques. Clearly, these people just have that discipline and are just simply better people than mere mortals like myself, who would often prefer to stay in bed that extra hour or just go home and take off my shoes after a long day on my feet.

The problem here lies in two things: that we attribute being good with going to the gym/being fit and that we use such black and white thinking around fitness and body.

If we don't go to the gym, we are bad, fat, lazy, and likely to get diabetes and die early. If we do go to the gym, we are thin, light, virtuous, good people. It's one or the other The fitspo on Pinterest (ya know the ones: pictures of  disembodied taught abs with words like "Sweat is fat crying"  and "Train insane or remain the same" that are supposed to inspire you towards fitness) does nothing but promote this black and white thinking--either you are working towards improving your body and hitting the gym, or you're a lazy slob with a muffin top. Staying wrapped up in such self-promoted guilt makes it easy for women to be exploited or distracted from real issues or just enjoying our lives.

So do your best to do what feels good for you, whether that's a strict gym routine or a more relaxed approach to fitness. When the black and white thinking and guilt creep in, remind yourself that fitness is not a measure of your inherent goodness and that you are already enough, dusty gym membership and all.

Much love,
The Sheriff

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