a return to my raunchier roots: the etiquette of cum

As I've jokingly complained about, my posts have grown more mature and theoretical and concerned with feminism and less about the raunchy details of sex, like spanking and threesomes. But on my glamorous Greyhound bus ride to and from Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving break, I found myself pondering one of the less theoretical, more blatantly nasty aspects of hetero-sex: the man cum.

The main argument I've heard for cumming on a female partner (or male, I suppose) is pretty weak: less likely to get her pregnant (false! There is still semen in your pre-cum, and it only takes one little spermy to inseminate that egg). It is, admittedly, easier to clean up. But that doesn't mean it's completely unproblematic.

I distinctly remember the first time a guy came outside of me, making his mark all over my stomach and leaving me furious. I didn't know that it was considered "custom" to have a man's projectile fluids disposed of on one's body, and I was so appalled, I left immediately, dashing off to catch the PVTA back to Smith. I was only a wee first-year at this point, having no real vocabulary to express my discontent with his actions, and so I let it continue until eventually, I got used to it. It no longer infuriated me.

I then dated Beefcake, who always wanted to blow a load on my face, a desire I curtailed as much as possible. Cum on one's face feels blatantly demeaning: it makes no mistake of the fact that you are there as an object, not as an equal partner. Or at least that's how it felt. But now, with the ever-considerate Meatball, I don't mind it (he certainly doesn't mind when I cum on him). And at some point, I began to enjoy it, being able to see that my partner did, in fact, get off on having sex with me. Is this internalized misogyny? Just a little vain? Is cumming on a woman just rude? Or am I over-analyzing this? What say you?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the failures of Kate Obenshein's speech

The Smith College Republicans (yes, we have some) hosted a Conservative Women's Conference this weekend, and I went to a few of the speeches. Their keynote speaker was Kate Obenshein, whose speech was entitled "The Failures of Feminism." For the record, she asked if she could come to campus, so it's not necessarily that they sought out a particularly controversial speaker, but they did market her as anti-feminist (which didn't raise the ire of Smithies as much as I thought it would...perhaps people were afraid of another Ryan Sorba event?). I went to A) hear another perspective, and B) support a friend who helped arrange the event.

Primarily, I was disappointed by her complete lack of intellectual rigor backing up any of her statements. Her speech rested on the 5 Failures of  Feminism, including rise in abortion, the divorce rate, STDs/promiscuity, and the War on Boys (there may be another that I'm forgeting). And she could've made a case connecting anyof them (pretty weakly) to feminism, but instead she ranted about how they were bad and said that feminism caused them and moved promptly onto her next topic without establishing any causal link.

I think she also suffers from a disease that a lot of people have when they think about oppression. When someone says "the patriarchy," it's easy to just imagine a group of old white dudes sitting around a table and controlling things. Maybe they look like this guy.

But the patriarchy isn't some club that people belong to (though that would be a hilarious name for a country club...), it's a system of oppression that works it way into every aspect of our lives (just like racism, hetero-sexism, classism, etc.), from pop culture to social interactions to the workplace. It's not always blatant, and I think she missed the point on that one. She said she's started a leadership program for Republican women in her home state of Virginia and she was shocked at the fact that these women weren't confident, didn't want to run for office, etc. and that she just had no idea why that might be, but definitely had nothing to do with sexism in the Republican party. Or MAYBE it has something to do with the fact that women are socialized from birth to be less bold, less confident, less fitting for positions of leadership?

Kate's reliance on gender roles as inherent and natural was also grating. I know at Smith (and probably tons of other liberal artsy fartsy places) it's drilled into us that gender is a social construct and the associated traits are 98% crap, and Kate was just approaching it from a whole 'nother viewpoint. She often talked about her son and chalked up things to a "boys will be boys" platitude, claiming that their interest in guts and gore and dominating people is inherent because they're supposed to be strong, bold, and courageous to balance out women (...so women can't be bold, strong, and courageous? Oh good). 

When someone asked her if she thought this "boys will be boys" mentality lead to excusing rape/sexual assault/harassment, Kate skirted around the question, and actually said that we need to raise boys with discipline and loving guidance to "rein in their instinctive behavior." Wait. So rape is instinctive? I'm sorry, but no. Let's give men some credit: sure, some of them are brutes and rapists and just douches, no doubt. But they asbolutely have the miniscule amount of self control that it takes to refrain from violating a woman. Period.

She quoted the Feminine Mystique, clearly never having cracked the spine of that book (Friedan was NOT a radical. She had children, and a husband, and wanted to improve the lives of housewives. Not exactly crazy ass shit) . She also called a ten-year-old girl who sent her son a picture of herself (with her shirt on) a hussy. She also cut me off when I wanted to correct her about her statement that "radical feminism" (put into quotations because I have no idea what kind of definition this lady was workin' with) leads women to see themselves as sexual and thus as sexual objects solely for men. So I did not much take a liking to Miss Kate.

But what did you guys think? Did anyone find any validity in her speech?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

This week's links are alllllll about the body image love and food. Yay!

I've seen this several times, but it's always a good reminder of how good we have it.

How to defend yourself against other people's funky body/food issues. Invaluable at the holidays.

Speaking of which, here's some tips on helping your family curb the fat talk. (I have a crazy orthorexic aunt who loves to tell me about her gym routines while eating fat free Cool Whip and Diet Jello as I nom on cheesecake, so you know I'ma use these).

Awesome talk about the stupid practice of gendering food (steak=manly, yogurt=chick food)

How striving for/having the "perfect" body can mask the imperfect life. Real talk, guys.

The time to love your body? It's NOW bitches!

Bisexuality: Do I need to come out?

This is heartbreaking and hopeful all at once. If you have ANY extra $, please consider donating to fund this girl's eating disorder treatment.

Much love,
The Sheriff
FYI: There will be likely no posts next week from me. The Sheriff needs some time off for Thanksgiving to just relax and get creatively inspired again. If you would like to guest post, please please please comment below!

"friendly" patriarchy?

My African-American studies professor is absolutely incredible. She's deeply knowledgable about her subject area, but she's also fuckin' funny (she's probably in her 60s and she explained to us the origins of the myth that black men have big cocks by saying "if the stereotypes are true and black women are more lustful, well, the men better be packin' heat!"). She also asks us really thought provoking questions (I know that's what college is for, obviously, but as a Gov major, the discussions are often a little dry).

Such as: what does patriarchy do for us? Why do we still comply with systems that undermine us and our interests?

Her answer: Protection. It protects us from having to be fully independent, fro having to form identities of our own, from being afraid of the Other Men who might hurt us worse, protects us from having bad reps if we just listen to and follow the sexual norms....it goes on and on.

Or is she wrong? What do ya'll think? Her theory immediately rang true with me: as a senior, facing down the future (although I did just get a job!), it is somewhat tempting to imagine a world in which someone else would plan it all for me, would tell me what to do, have convenient answers waiting for my tough questions. But then I remember I love being in control of my life and the course it takes, tempting as the promise of having someone else worry over the details may be.

Much love,
The Sheriff

linkslinkslinks

Smith's It Gets Better video. Made me tear up. I'm so proud to go to school with such incredible people.

Own your beauty is an ongoing thing at BlogHer and this piece is particularly great.

Gender identity debates at single-sex colleges.

A NY Times writer asks: Can we make it “manly” (or even better, “gender neutral”) to spend a day with a child, or earn less money but have more family time, or be the only parent at a parent-teacher conference because your wife has a meeting?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the highway to a healthy body image

I'm taking a lovely dance class called Tribal Fusion with a woman who is the closest embodiment to a goddess as I have ever met. She is funny, down to earth yet regal, takes up her space and does not apologize. I am simultaneously enamored with her and intimidated. But I digress.


Tribal Fusion is essentially the non-derogatory term for belly-dance, which conjures up all sorts of over-sexualized images of half naked women wearing glitter and grinding their sinuous tummys all over the place. Being a Smith College dance class, there is no glitter and no over-sexualization, but just a roomful of women (and a trans man!) shaking our buts and undulating our stomachs and generally enjoying the bliss of movement. There are times when I glance around the room and just beam at how awesome it is to have 30 plus people in a truly body-positive space, doin' their thing without self-judgment.

It was actually something of a risk for me to take this class. I'd danced since I could walk until high school, but it fell by the side as college and multiple part-time jobs took over. And to have me, with my inherited stomach neurosis, practicing a dance form that's all about getting in touch with that feminine curve? I was terrified the first day. But it has been nothing short of incredible. It's the first time in my life that I've moved, felt my booty and hips reverberate and have reveled in it, not just lacking the usual harsh judgment but moving with real joy. This, this incredible elusive sensation, is what healthy body image feels and looks like. And it's a fucking shame we don't give women and ourselves tools to find this on their own.

I almost titled this "the highway to a normal body image," but then I realized a "normal" body image entails mental and physical torture, a constant inner dialogue of trash talk to your body, and generally hatin' on yourself. And that should NOT be accepted as "normal." But you do have the power to do something about that, at least for yourself. Operation Beautiful your own bathroom. Shut up your friends when they start with the fat talk. Point out unfair beauty standards whenever you see them. Treat your body like the gift it is, with proper sleep and fuel and fun. Read this list and give a few a try. Is some of this cheesy? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday! links!

NY Times piece about the (sick, sad) process of picking Victoria's Secret Angels.

Someone else's POV on the Lingerie Football League.

An adorable puppy. Just because.

A mother's struggles with other moms' responses to her son's gender bending Halloween costume.

Happy Friday!
Much love,
The Sheriff

menstrual revolution!

I'm shocked that I haven't written about this before, but a cursury glance through the archives didn't give any hints that I had (also the search bar is useless, and will be removed today: I tried to find my article on spanking, and it turned up nothing. Google, get on my level). But today is a day for talking about periods!

I had the extreme misfortune of getting my period heinously early (age nine, guys. NINE), and had plenty of heinously embarrassing experiences because of it. I didn't hate it, I just had no interest in having it or really understanding why it was happening to me and not to everyone else my age. It was kinda cool being the most knowledgeable about sex and bodies and hormones at all the sleepovers (that hasn't really changed), but I didn't really feel too strongly about it. Then it disappeared for several years, thanks to anorexia-induced amenorrhea.

But come college and a lovely Freshman 40 weight gain, and things are going mostly smoothly, menstrually speaking. I'd read about how tampon cotton is bleached and contains dioxins, a possibly carcinogenic substance. That's FUCKED UP that anyone would think it's okay for a corporation to market that and sell it widely and have women inserting it directly inside themselves. But organic tampons, like everything crunchy and organic and intended to make rich white folks feel better about their lives, are expensive (even more overpriced than regular tampons!). So what to do?

Enter the Diva Cup.

According to their website, "The DivaCup is a non-absorbent menstrual cup that simply collects menstrual flow. It is inserted in the vagina and sits at the lower base of the vaginal canal. It is worn internally, yet because it is soft and smooth, it cannot be felt nor will it leak when inserted properly." And honestly, all of that is true. It's fantastic. It's sanitary, it's good for the earth, and it's waaaay cheaper than dropping ten bucks a month on tampons.

But. The learning curve is steep. The insertion process is seriously tricky, and the first time I tried about a year ago, I fucked around for half an hour until I felt raw and gave up and wanted to cry. How hard could it be? Trying again the next day somehow made it click, and it worked. And it was glorious.

Also, you MUST be very comfortable with your own blood/fluids to use it. You can leave it in for up to 12 hours, which is fantastic, but sometimes? It gets a little full. You might get some on your hands (or all over your thighs, as I once did). But I think it's a beautiful thing to be comfortable and in touch your body and its processes. You'll be getting your period for probably another 30-40 years: why not make it easier on yourself, and get to know your body?

It does present some awkward social situations (how do I clean out my cup in a busy rest stop bathroom without scaring small children?), but most of those pale in comparison to the perks (less carcinogens in my body and less trash in landfills, more money in my pocket).

Have you ever considered the Diva Cup or another alternative to commercially available pads/tampons?

Much love,
The Sheriff

voting: just do it.

Regardless of your personal politics, just vote. Please. Don't be one of those apathetic assholes who abstains because they think it's useless and that politics is all a sham and we have no say and blahblahblah. This is your right. If you are anything other than a white, educated man, at some point in this country's history, you were disenfranchised and couldn't vote. So act right, enjoy your hard-won power, and cast your vote, dammit.

In related news, this video is absolutely abhorrent. I don't know anyone in Colorado, but if you live there, PLEASE vote no on 62. Your people are acting apeshit if they think this kind of political advertisement is factual or okay.

Much love,
The Sheriff