happy new year's eve!

Happy New Year's, everybody! Normal posting to resume...soonish!

Much love,
The Sheriff

FF's Greatest Hits of 2010

FF has been active, through thick and thin (remember when I had to make the blog private for July? Sad times, ya'll), for eight months now, which is an eternity in internet time. But as most blogs have at this time of year, I've collected some of (my personal) favorite posts from our writers here at FF. I hope we hear more from many of these awesome people in 2011, and not just me as it's been so frequently lately!

My very first post (aww!): What's the difference between empowered women and sluts?

Lola wonders about man-whores and the female equivalents.

FUCK PERFECTION.

Why I got my junk pierced.

Venus de Milo's thoughts on why monogamy can be pretty fuckin great too.

A striptease can be empowering? Yes m'am.

Booze and consent? From General Lee

Particularly gendered insults (whore, fatass) and why they cut so deep.

The post that made this blog private: NAKED.

The General answers: how do lesbians do it? 

Enjoy the winter break re-cap reading! 
Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--you should probably fan us on the Facebook and make me a happy lil feminist. It is the holidays, after all.

to have, or not to have: babies

Sorry it's been a while: I've been too busy being lazy and watching bad television and reading my new Kindle to think of anything sex or feminism related. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday, and that you've got splendid New Year's plans (I think mine involve a bottle of moscato and conspicuous amounts of food and Meatball, so perhaps yours are more exciting).

Anyway. Onto something that's been regretably on my mind all the fucking time lately: babies!

I was never subject to the baby craziness I've seen in  classmates and acquaintances when I was younger. I liked kids well enough, as nearly every job I've ever had involved them, but was adamant about not wanting any little brats of my own (I even wrote it in my high school yearbook blurb: I intended to be wildly successful "and not have babies."). Frankly, I just couldn't understand why people wanted children: was it hubris, thinking their genes were fantastic enough to pass on their own brand of madness? Was it to satisfy the urge to leave something behind after one dies? Or is it just what's expected next, after graduation and meeting someone with genetic material that you don't find repulsive? I point blank asked my mama, and her only answer was, "Well, why not?" This from a woman with three unplanned pregnancies. I intended to be child-free, not childless.

And honestly, I'm not any further along into understanding the logical why people want to bring kids into this world (so expensive! The world's so over-populated! There's so much genetic misery for me to pass on!). I'm not sure there is one. But suddenly, within the last three months, I find myself wanting a baby in the worst way, almost longing for it. Don't get me wrong: I've got an Implanon in my arm, and I intend to keep it in for quite some time, as having a child anytime soon would just not work, as I have approximately -$32,000 thanks to student loans. Nonetheless, my body wants a baby in the worst way. It's frighteningly instinctual.

I always thought the "biological clock" talk was bullshit, mostly old women who were sad they'd missed out on their reproductive years or something that traditional old doctors yapped about to encourage heteronormative families and all that. But now I'm not so sure. In any case, it scares me that this urge has come up so suddenly and with such strength: there's so much I want to do with my life, and traditional gender roles remain firmly entrenched, making me worry if I could have kids and still do awesome stuff (write books, ensure world peace, write the best feminist porn you've ever seen, normal stuff) with my precious short life.

I read Get To Work...And Get a Life, Before It's Too Late by Linda Hirshman for funsies at the beginning of this semester, which is kind of elitist, but holds that well-educated women do not belong at home raising their kids, they belong out there in the workforce, making an impact and forcing more equality between the sexes in hetero-marriages. She even advocates going on "reproductive strike" and having only one child if there's any risk to your career. I don't know how much I agree with the details of what she says (again, she is incredibly elitist and continually puts down the work of women who stay-at-home, saying it could be done by anyone with no education at all, as if that's the only marker of worthwhile work), but it scares me and makes me think about how one can possibly find a balance between career and family, especially in hetero relationships where the default puts the brunt of the work on the woman and undervalues her career.

This has mostly been my babbling about personal baby-provoked anxieties, but do you have any thoughts about this? Any of you heard your biological clock ticking away more strongly all of a sudden? Any thoughts about how to be awesome and a mom?

Much love,
The Sheriff

merry christmas!

Merry Christmas! Enjoy this break, and spend it with people you love.
Much love,
The Sheriff

a bit of advice to the class of 2015

I feel like a massive old timer saying this, but some of the girls who were in the summer program I worked for the past two years have just been admitted to Smith as part of the class of 2015 (Congratulations)! While many of the other girls I'm sure will end up at other fabulous colleges, I wanted to give them a lil shout-out here with some advice for first years. I'm proud of ya'll!

Take some ridiculous classes (Tango? Engineering for Everyone? Nazi Cinema? Why not!). Be nice to everyone, even the hipsters, but don't worry about staying BFFs with the first people you meet at college (you will realize after three months that you have virtually nothing in common). Go to class, but also recognize that most professors will not notice if you miss a class or two. Drink, but do it with people you trust to carry you home when you hit the gin a little too hard (or, alternately, make friends with people who you trust not to give a shit if you don't want to drink). TALK TO YOUR PROFESSORS (mostly so they can write you kick-ass recommendations later). Please don't participate in the "I'm so stressed and sleep deprived" competition that goes on at elite colleges; it only makes you boring, and you will never win (the engineers and studio art majors always win). Brush your teeth after a hard night of drinking (you will thank me for that one the morning after when you don't have cotton mouth and dragon breath). MASTURBATE. Take advantage of the free gym as a source of stress relief, but accept that you will gain weight (I burst a button off my pants at a tea my first year with the college president, no shame in it!).Go to Herrel's and get the chocolate whip cream on your ice cream (where you will gain weight and enjoy every calorie).

Participate in the ridiculous/lovely traditions at your college (at Smith, Convocation, Mountain Day, Julia Child Day, Celebration, Immorality), if only to say that you've done them. Take care of your friends, and not just when you go out and they need protection from creeps: bring them cough meds when they're sick, and tissues when their doomed long-distance relationship ends (hint: it will be close to Thanksgiving). DON'T waste your time at the Amherst Luau (it's the first party of the year in the Five College area, and it's full of creeps...and really, don't waste your time at Amherst, as most of the men are douches and the girls are trophy wives and most of the parties get broken up by the cops). On that note, cooperate with cops and Public Safety. Buy a good winter coat and rainboots. GOOF OFF a little goddammit, these years are short. Your grades matter waaaay less than you think they do. Have sex with whoever you want (fuck the SLUG [Smith Lesbian Until Graduation] label, if you want to experiment with girls, GO FOR IT! But don't date or bone a senior without thinking it over, they're often preying on fresh first years), but do it safely, and only when you want to. Accept that you will be broke 90% of the time from buying crap you didn't need. Learn how to use public transportation. Take good notes in class, but learn how to skim the readings (the details are never that important). Sleep enough (you will be a better person for it). Buy a vibrator at Oh My. Swim in the science quad fountain!

Any other advice, wizened Smithies?
Much love,
The Sheriff

links

This man turned down a threesome with his wife. Way to listen to your gut!

A horrible, mean critic's comments about a ballerina's body draw some serious backlash (as they should!). As a former dancer, I find it abhorrent that emaciation is still a requirement for success in the field.

As a lover of nudity, I fully agree that everyone looks better naked. But I also agree with BeautySchooled's points that if designers took curves into account, perhaps we'd look (and feel!) fantastic all the time.

How to be a body image role model!

A man has been cured of AIDS using stem cells? Extremely exciting stuff! 

I'm not sure what this is an ad for, but I laugh my ass off everytime. Japanese kittehs!

Why Michael Moore is being a piece of shit.

Much love,
The Sheriff

the impact of perception

It would be lovely if, in regards to the realm of sex and sexuality, no one judged anyone else and we all just followed our desires and explored without a care about how it might be perceived. Fortunately or unfortunately, perception is HUGE in sexuality. How you cast certain acts--vanilla, kinky, "good girls don't do that,"--has an enormous impact on your enjoyment of them, or your ability to indulge in them at all.

Right around the debut of this blog, I remember being in a car, driving to what was surely a delightful frat party with some other FF writers, talking about (SURPRISE) sex, and in this case, threesomes with men in particular. When I told them I hadn't found it to be extremely fun (less pampering, more of a seesaw), there was an instant sense of awe, like "ooo, she's actually done this!" Mentioning my bisexuality in mixed company often elicits similar responses: instead of just accepting it as a fact of who I am or asking about my relationships with people of the same gender, the typical reaction (including from MY MAMA) is something like "So you have sex with girls? Wow!" Or, as being bi is seen as a "perk" by most straight men, it turns inevitably to moderately coercive talk about threesomes (men, for the record: the dudes who push for threesomes are rarely the ones who get them!). Although being sexually curious to try new things and pretty open-minded has lead to a lot of orgasms for me and some sexual street-cred, I find myself downplaying that aspect of me so as to not be pigeon-holed as much (and as a busty blonde, it happens often enough without me even opening my mouth).

On the other hand, wanting to perform things seen as "freakier" can lead to feelings of...well, being a freak or unnaturally lustful. Meatball is a fantastic lover, but whenever conversations about sex turn to what we want to try, he always says he's just happy that he gets to have sex with me (aw), whereas I'm more of a "can you spank me, bite my nipples, oh, and maybe lick my ass sometimes?" kind of woman. Though he never complains about what I ask for, I do feel like the pervert. And for people without the healthy sexual attitude of "fuck you" that I've developed, that can lead to feelings of shame or a lack of being able to open up yourself to other people. And that is no way to go through life.

So what can we do? Maybe work on not making assumptions or classifying things as quickly as we might be tempted to. Being open-minded.

What say you? Have you ever run into this?

Much love,
The Sheriff

feminist gift guide!

I must admit, one of my favorite things about this time of year is all the gift buying and giving, and looking at gift guides for ingenious ideas (which I inevitably end up ignoring, because they're too expensive or assume that all fathers love golf and grills while mamas adore pedicures and candles, which doesn't help me buy for me ex-hippie parents). Although the Sheriff won't be having a traditional Christmas this year (my parents will be out of the country! Crazy!), I thought I'd contribute some ideas for those of you buying for the lovely feminist in your life (you can also buy them for me out of sympathy, since I'll be ever so lonely this holiday season...).

There's the iconic tee for the loud-and-proud, This Is What a Feminist Looks Like. It comes in all sorts of colors and sizes and styles, so it's great for menfolk/trans individuals/ladies who don't want a super-tight tee clinging to their chest.

luxury sex toys...mmm

The Sheriff is, of course, a serious fan of sex toys as presents for any and all occasions (Christmas, Hanukkah, weddings, graduations, baby showers...), and Babeland is an extremely woman-friendly place to buy from. For the toy novice, something small and less daunting is a great choice, like this little guy. If you're looking more for something to share with a male lover and to introduce him to toys in the bedroom, the duet cock ring is a lot of fun. If you're really serious about your lover (and I mean SERIOUS), there's the JimmyJane eternity vibe, which is made of platinum and clocks in at over $3000 (twice the price of my car, but perhaps worth it for the ultimate orgasm?).

If your lovely feminist is the readin' type, maybe spring for a subscription to BUST or Bitch, two great feminist magazines. Or be cheap and just refer them to this fantastic feminist blog, Fornicating Feminists (see what I did there? Sneaky self-promotion!).

Of course, you could get her a delightful Diva Cup. But since menstruation is (understandably) a little personal, maybe only buy her one if you know she's been thinking about it/needs a new one.

Finally, if you're buying for a philanthropic person (or you're just clueless about what material goodies they're pining for/needing), you could be an outstanding person and make a donation in their name to a cause they support. I like Kiva, which allows you to make mico-loans directly to a person or group in another country to help them build up their business so they can support themselves (donate to women!). Of course, there are also thousands of other worthy causes out there that are often in dire need of financial support, so find out what they care about (Animals? A religious groups' efforts? Disaster relief? Reproductive rights? Education?), and go nuts.

Happy gifting!
Much love,
The Sheriff

cut it out: fat talk and why it's not just bad for you

Smith College (and Albright House in particular, of course) is often a shining utopia of what the world would be like if everyone was tolerant and diverse and loved gays and themselves and no one ever said bad things about their body and everyone complimented each other relentlessly. But it is also a place where eating disorders are rampant, and people put ugly amounts of pressure on themselves academically, physically, and emotionally, and where women bitch at the dinner table about how fat they are and the calories in their food to groups of their friends.

Fat talk is one of the things I hate most in this world. It seems innocent enough: everyone has those days where they feel that their thighs look like tree trunks, and they want to moan to their friends about it until everyone collapses in and gives them what they want: assurance. Assurance that you are good, beautiful, smart, not nearly as hideous as you think, and even that your thighs are quite lovely. But do you ever really feel good after that dousing of compliments? Do you ever think your friends feel good after you cast the critical light on your own body and caloric intake, encouraging them to do the same to their own? It only drags you down, and everyone along with you.

This past April, this wonderful blog post came out about how when we capitulate to the beauty standards and hate on our bodies, ALL WOMEN suffer. I never realized this more clearly than when my niece was born. At six years old now, she's a normal-sized, happy girl but I wonder how long that can last (even living in Humboldt County, CA). Will she be able to maintain that innocently high self-esteem that has nothing to do with her appearance? I hope so.

Anyway, here's the more eloquent version of what I'd like to say.

Your surrender is significant

To my fellow females:

For every one of you who capitulates to unfair standards of beauty, it is THAT MUCH HARDER for the rest of us to resist.

When you deny yourself food when you are hungry, when you call yourself names, when you spend way too much money on clothing and makeup, when you let yourself feel guilty for eating dessert, when you spend more time and money than you can afford to on bringing your appearance into line with The Man's dictates, IT AFFECTS US TOO.

It affects me. It affects my friends. It affects my younger sister and my little cousins.

Stop judging your worth by your appearance, like you're some collector's doll or a show dog. Stop doing things that you think are stupid just because it's culturally mandated. Stop accepting standards of beauty without asking where they come from, what they signify, what you think of them. Stop, stop, stop.

Don't you see, this heaviness you feel, we all feel it and for us part of the heaviness is what you have added by complying? And yes, some of your heaviness is my fault. It belongs to me too.

Your compliance is significant. Your surrender carries weight. Your capitulation is not just personal.

I am angry, yes. At myself too. (I promise there's never an imperative statement or word of advice on this blog that I don't write for myself as well as for you.)

I'm going to keep saying no to all this bullshit, even when it hurts and it's really tiring. I'm going to look my reflection in the eye even when it's all wrong, and I'm not going to say that I FEEL FAT like "fat" is an actual emotion. I'm not going to idolize sick women while calling myself a feminist. I'm going to eat as much as I need and I'm going to keep it down, and I'm going to do what I want to do even when I'm not confident in my appearance.

I don't want to come off like I'm saying I'm a saint, somehow stronger than all this and above all this. Frankly, some days I feel like I cannot deal with myself and these pressures, and please, I still struggle with disordered eating to an extent; I know what poison is like.

But I need this defiance even more. I need to know that I am not making this society any more oppressive for those of us born with two X chromosomes.

And you see, the flip side is this: if your surrender means something, then your defiance means even more.

Living within the lie can constitute the system only if it is universal ... therefore everyone who steps out of line denies it in principle and threatens it in its entirety ... As soon as the alternative appears, it threatens the very existence of appearance and living a lie in terms of what they are, both their essence and their all-inclusiveness. And at the same time, it is utterly unimportant how large a space this alternative occupies: its power does not consist in its physical attributes but in the light it casts on those pillars of the system and on its unstable foundations.

- Václav Havel

So if you decide to give the finger to The Man and his beauty culture, I'll be there with you. We can stand together and wave at the horizon and tell each other when we notice one of us starting to cave, and then help hold each other up. You won't be there alone. Promise.



Much love,
The Sheriff

is marriage dead?

unrealistic photoshop, but ADORABLE

Time magazine this week featured an article entitled "Marriage: What's It Good for?" which brought forth the fact that a nationwide poll of Americans revealed that 40% of us think marriage is obsolete. Interestingly, only 5% of that group says they will never marry. But since marriage is no longer necessary to get sex, respect as an adult, or even children, many folks think it's an obsolete institution, which is funny as it's something a lot of gay activists are very much fighting for.

The main thing that's seemed to shift, to me, is that marriage is no longer the first step in becoming recognized as an adult: it's the final piece of adulthood, the cream on the cake, somewhat frivolous or unnecessary if you've already established financial success and a career and all that. My mama married the first time at 18, and lived in a house in New Jersey that used to be where migrant workers who picked blueberries would live (i.e., it was incredibly small and cheap). Financial stability was not a pre-requisite then the way it is now.

But I really don't buy this article's premise. If marriage was actually dead, why do 95% of people still say they want to marry some day? Perhaps it's not in the same manner or time frame as our parents did, but that's still a pretty high approval rating! Or maybe I just feel that way because I love weddings with a stupid passion. What do you think?

some thoughts, care of Gloria

Much love,
The Sheriff

oh, the horror: bridalplasty

I'm not one for reality TV, as I'm usually one of those assholes who finds it morally abhorrent to put people into competitive situations and then laugh at their pathetic antics. But I have a soft spot for weddings (yes, that's probably not very feminist of me, but I love big parties and cake and love!), and couldn't turn down an invitation to watch the second episode of Bridalplasty last night for a good dose of shock value and horror.

And I was not disappointed.

The show's basic premise: take a group of brides-to-be with severely low self-esteem and pit them against each other in weekly competitions. Each woman has a "Wish List" of the plastic surgery procedures she wants done (you can check that out on the link above: one woman wants her second toe shortened. Also, one of the contestants is only 20!),and if she wins that week's competition, she gets one piece of work done from her list. The overall winner of the show gets everything done on her list, and gets her dream wedding paid for. As each contestant is voted off, the host (the ever classy Shanna Moakler) tells them, "Your wedding will still go on. It just won't be perfect."

...yep. Because perfection is really something we should strive for, and clearly the only way to achieve it is by going under the knife.

This week's challenge featured them having to write their vows...and then compared that to a video of their future spouses telling us what they wished their brides-to-be would vow. This included things from the sweet (always be faithful) to the mundane (keep the house clean) to the kinds of things that just don't belong in wedding vows (take ski lessons? Make him work out more? Have sex with him on call?).

Although it was obviously catered to their future husbands' wants/needs/dreams, the women took it up in earnest. Sadly, the one girl on the show who was truly sympathetic and could be said to "need" plastic surgery (she'd had a lump removed from one of her breasts, and wanted to even them out, saying she wanted to feel sexy again. Sad.) lost the competition and then was voted off by her compatriots for being too stiff of competition.

The bride who won? She was immediately whisked off to get her nose done, which the surgeon noted was the only thing ruining her pretty face. She came out of the surgery and immediately asked for her mom. When she came back to the house, the rest of the brides surrounded her, cooing over her new nose and that she'd actually gotten it done. But she didn't look good: she looked sick, and she looked beaten. It was hard to watch.

The show is a perfect storm for ratings: it preys on the insecurites of women and makes them look like stereotypical, image obsessed bitches (which always gets fantastic ratings and press...think of how apeshit everyone went over the downfall of Britney and Lindsay), features something gruesome but fascinating, and it's all about competition. I don't have the energy for a serious feminist critique, or even a rant, but I don't think I need to indulge in either of those. This show is just sad. It did inspire me though: I now want to start sitting outside of plastic surgeon office's, protesting and telling women they're beautiful, their tits are great, go home.

Anyone else watch this atrocity?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday linkage

I kept meaning to watch Bridalplasty and write something on it, but Vagina Drum has taken care of that for me! 

 The male gaze, actively at work in sex toy shops!

EXTREMELY gendered holiday toys for kids. This makes me sad, because apparently girls are only good at caring for things, not actively participating in the world around them.

Why being pregnant would be pretty much a terrible career choice for my girl Beyonce.

As someone who will be teaching next year (AHHH), I found this article intriguing and spot on. (75% of Americans wouldn't qualify for the military?! Sheesh. We are a bunch of undereducated, overweight, criminals!)

I absolutely loved this piece about being a mom. "Feminism lives in the kitchen as much as it lives in the board room."

Much love,
The Sheriff

5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference!

Hey all my local, western Mass readers! Below is some information about the 5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference, which my awesome friend works really hard to put together. Read through the info and see if you're interested in contributing to the workshops or just attending and participating in awesome conversations about sexuality and gender yumminess in the five-college area.


The 5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference 2011 workshop proposal form is now live! Please pass this along to anyone who might be interested in offering a workshop or facilitating a panel: http://www.surveygizmo.com/s/401230/queerconf2011workshops

The 5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference will be held on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at Hampshire College's campus. In this day-long conference student leaders, community members, and professional speakers and educators team up to offer workshops and panels that address crucial but often ignored topics surrounding sexuality. This conference is open to and inclusive of everyone, and aims to provide a platform to discuss things that are normally labeled off-limits if mentioned at all. Our goal is to provide a safe, fun, engaging, and much-needed learning environment.

For more information check out the Facebook event (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=148627125172707&ref=ts) and the website (http://www.hampshire.edu/studentlife/16892.htm) or email queerconf@hampshire.edu.

oh to be so shallow

I've been debating frequently in one of my classes about reproductive technology, designer babies, and genetic engineering for frivolous purposes (to make a child more attractive, primarily...or as one student awkwardly put it, "hot babies"). While much of it is hypothetical ("in the extremely unlikely scenario in which this extremely unreliable technology becomes widespread"), one thing that we got stuck on is this: is it so wrong to want attractive children?

The way I imagine it, at the most base level, selecting your kid's genes (while creepy and eugenics-y and not at all something I endorse for non-medical reasons) is not necessarily that different than selecting an attractive person to mate with (or a sperm donor who describes his looks as something that sounds like it might mix well with your own genetic offerings). No one heads out to the bars and seeks out a mediocre person, or even a downright ugly one to take home that night. We all head for the people who strike us as attractive (whatever that means to you). And naturally, when expecting  a child, no one hopes for their future bundle of joy to be ugly or disfigured in some way that will impede their growth or socialization: shallow or not, we all want attractive, smart kids. And we want to find good lookin' people to make them with.

But my question is: is this desire natural? Or is it learned?

I wholeheartedly think what we conceive of as attractive is often socialized bullshit, but some things seem to be based in a natural desire to find someone who will give our offspring a chance of surviving. So while I might pick the brunette girl with a thick ass or the guy with broad shoulders and someone else might find those features off-putting, the exact traits that make you weak in the knees are almost arbitrary. The really important urge is that the prospective partner is someone who seems healthy looking and reasonably attractive in the purely genetic sense (symmetrical figures, "average" sized, the like), an urge might very well be "natural." But as we are no longer living in the woods, fighting for our survival with our brains and bodies alone, does it make sense that we extrapolate this "natural" urge to raw attractiveness alone?

Just some half-formed thoughts congealing as I write a final paper on gamete donation. Gimmie your more intelligent comments!

Much love,
The Sheriff

Oh, and happy December!

a return to my raunchier roots: the etiquette of cum

As I've jokingly complained about, my posts have grown more mature and theoretical and concerned with feminism and less about the raunchy details of sex, like spanking and threesomes. But on my glamorous Greyhound bus ride to and from Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving break, I found myself pondering one of the less theoretical, more blatantly nasty aspects of hetero-sex: the man cum.

The main argument I've heard for cumming on a female partner (or male, I suppose) is pretty weak: less likely to get her pregnant (false! There is still semen in your pre-cum, and it only takes one little spermy to inseminate that egg). It is, admittedly, easier to clean up. But that doesn't mean it's completely unproblematic.

I distinctly remember the first time a guy came outside of me, making his mark all over my stomach and leaving me furious. I didn't know that it was considered "custom" to have a man's projectile fluids disposed of on one's body, and I was so appalled, I left immediately, dashing off to catch the PVTA back to Smith. I was only a wee first-year at this point, having no real vocabulary to express my discontent with his actions, and so I let it continue until eventually, I got used to it. It no longer infuriated me.

I then dated Beefcake, who always wanted to blow a load on my face, a desire I curtailed as much as possible. Cum on one's face feels blatantly demeaning: it makes no mistake of the fact that you are there as an object, not as an equal partner. Or at least that's how it felt. But now, with the ever-considerate Meatball, I don't mind it (he certainly doesn't mind when I cum on him). And at some point, I began to enjoy it, being able to see that my partner did, in fact, get off on having sex with me. Is this internalized misogyny? Just a little vain? Is cumming on a woman just rude? Or am I over-analyzing this? What say you?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the failures of Kate Obenshein's speech

The Smith College Republicans (yes, we have some) hosted a Conservative Women's Conference this weekend, and I went to a few of the speeches. Their keynote speaker was Kate Obenshein, whose speech was entitled "The Failures of Feminism." For the record, she asked if she could come to campus, so it's not necessarily that they sought out a particularly controversial speaker, but they did market her as anti-feminist (which didn't raise the ire of Smithies as much as I thought it would...perhaps people were afraid of another Ryan Sorba event?). I went to A) hear another perspective, and B) support a friend who helped arrange the event.

Primarily, I was disappointed by her complete lack of intellectual rigor backing up any of her statements. Her speech rested on the 5 Failures of  Feminism, including rise in abortion, the divorce rate, STDs/promiscuity, and the War on Boys (there may be another that I'm forgeting). And she could've made a case connecting anyof them (pretty weakly) to feminism, but instead she ranted about how they were bad and said that feminism caused them and moved promptly onto her next topic without establishing any causal link.

I think she also suffers from a disease that a lot of people have when they think about oppression. When someone says "the patriarchy," it's easy to just imagine a group of old white dudes sitting around a table and controlling things. Maybe they look like this guy.

But the patriarchy isn't some club that people belong to (though that would be a hilarious name for a country club...), it's a system of oppression that works it way into every aspect of our lives (just like racism, hetero-sexism, classism, etc.), from pop culture to social interactions to the workplace. It's not always blatant, and I think she missed the point on that one. She said she's started a leadership program for Republican women in her home state of Virginia and she was shocked at the fact that these women weren't confident, didn't want to run for office, etc. and that she just had no idea why that might be, but definitely had nothing to do with sexism in the Republican party. Or MAYBE it has something to do with the fact that women are socialized from birth to be less bold, less confident, less fitting for positions of leadership?

Kate's reliance on gender roles as inherent and natural was also grating. I know at Smith (and probably tons of other liberal artsy fartsy places) it's drilled into us that gender is a social construct and the associated traits are 98% crap, and Kate was just approaching it from a whole 'nother viewpoint. She often talked about her son and chalked up things to a "boys will be boys" platitude, claiming that their interest in guts and gore and dominating people is inherent because they're supposed to be strong, bold, and courageous to balance out women (...so women can't be bold, strong, and courageous? Oh good). 

When someone asked her if she thought this "boys will be boys" mentality lead to excusing rape/sexual assault/harassment, Kate skirted around the question, and actually said that we need to raise boys with discipline and loving guidance to "rein in their instinctive behavior." Wait. So rape is instinctive? I'm sorry, but no. Let's give men some credit: sure, some of them are brutes and rapists and just douches, no doubt. But they asbolutely have the miniscule amount of self control that it takes to refrain from violating a woman. Period.

She quoted the Feminine Mystique, clearly never having cracked the spine of that book (Friedan was NOT a radical. She had children, and a husband, and wanted to improve the lives of housewives. Not exactly crazy ass shit) . She also called a ten-year-old girl who sent her son a picture of herself (with her shirt on) a hussy. She also cut me off when I wanted to correct her about her statement that "radical feminism" (put into quotations because I have no idea what kind of definition this lady was workin' with) leads women to see themselves as sexual and thus as sexual objects solely for men. So I did not much take a liking to Miss Kate.

But what did you guys think? Did anyone find any validity in her speech?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

This week's links are alllllll about the body image love and food. Yay!

I've seen this several times, but it's always a good reminder of how good we have it.

How to defend yourself against other people's funky body/food issues. Invaluable at the holidays.

Speaking of which, here's some tips on helping your family curb the fat talk. (I have a crazy orthorexic aunt who loves to tell me about her gym routines while eating fat free Cool Whip and Diet Jello as I nom on cheesecake, so you know I'ma use these).

Awesome talk about the stupid practice of gendering food (steak=manly, yogurt=chick food)

How striving for/having the "perfect" body can mask the imperfect life. Real talk, guys.

The time to love your body? It's NOW bitches!

Bisexuality: Do I need to come out?

This is heartbreaking and hopeful all at once. If you have ANY extra $, please consider donating to fund this girl's eating disorder treatment.

Much love,
The Sheriff
FYI: There will be likely no posts next week from me. The Sheriff needs some time off for Thanksgiving to just relax and get creatively inspired again. If you would like to guest post, please please please comment below!

"friendly" patriarchy?

My African-American studies professor is absolutely incredible. She's deeply knowledgable about her subject area, but she's also fuckin' funny (she's probably in her 60s and she explained to us the origins of the myth that black men have big cocks by saying "if the stereotypes are true and black women are more lustful, well, the men better be packin' heat!"). She also asks us really thought provoking questions (I know that's what college is for, obviously, but as a Gov major, the discussions are often a little dry).

Such as: what does patriarchy do for us? Why do we still comply with systems that undermine us and our interests?

Her answer: Protection. It protects us from having to be fully independent, fro having to form identities of our own, from being afraid of the Other Men who might hurt us worse, protects us from having bad reps if we just listen to and follow the sexual norms....it goes on and on.

Or is she wrong? What do ya'll think? Her theory immediately rang true with me: as a senior, facing down the future (although I did just get a job!), it is somewhat tempting to imagine a world in which someone else would plan it all for me, would tell me what to do, have convenient answers waiting for my tough questions. But then I remember I love being in control of my life and the course it takes, tempting as the promise of having someone else worry over the details may be.

Much love,
The Sheriff

linkslinkslinks

Smith's It Gets Better video. Made me tear up. I'm so proud to go to school with such incredible people.

Own your beauty is an ongoing thing at BlogHer and this piece is particularly great.

Gender identity debates at single-sex colleges.

A NY Times writer asks: Can we make it “manly” (or even better, “gender neutral”) to spend a day with a child, or earn less money but have more family time, or be the only parent at a parent-teacher conference because your wife has a meeting?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the highway to a healthy body image

I'm taking a lovely dance class called Tribal Fusion with a woman who is the closest embodiment to a goddess as I have ever met. She is funny, down to earth yet regal, takes up her space and does not apologize. I am simultaneously enamored with her and intimidated. But I digress.


Tribal Fusion is essentially the non-derogatory term for belly-dance, which conjures up all sorts of over-sexualized images of half naked women wearing glitter and grinding their sinuous tummys all over the place. Being a Smith College dance class, there is no glitter and no over-sexualization, but just a roomful of women (and a trans man!) shaking our buts and undulating our stomachs and generally enjoying the bliss of movement. There are times when I glance around the room and just beam at how awesome it is to have 30 plus people in a truly body-positive space, doin' their thing without self-judgment.

It was actually something of a risk for me to take this class. I'd danced since I could walk until high school, but it fell by the side as college and multiple part-time jobs took over. And to have me, with my inherited stomach neurosis, practicing a dance form that's all about getting in touch with that feminine curve? I was terrified the first day. But it has been nothing short of incredible. It's the first time in my life that I've moved, felt my booty and hips reverberate and have reveled in it, not just lacking the usual harsh judgment but moving with real joy. This, this incredible elusive sensation, is what healthy body image feels and looks like. And it's a fucking shame we don't give women and ourselves tools to find this on their own.

I almost titled this "the highway to a normal body image," but then I realized a "normal" body image entails mental and physical torture, a constant inner dialogue of trash talk to your body, and generally hatin' on yourself. And that should NOT be accepted as "normal." But you do have the power to do something about that, at least for yourself. Operation Beautiful your own bathroom. Shut up your friends when they start with the fat talk. Point out unfair beauty standards whenever you see them. Treat your body like the gift it is, with proper sleep and fuel and fun. Read this list and give a few a try. Is some of this cheesy? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday! links!

NY Times piece about the (sick, sad) process of picking Victoria's Secret Angels.

Someone else's POV on the Lingerie Football League.

An adorable puppy. Just because.

A mother's struggles with other moms' responses to her son's gender bending Halloween costume.

Happy Friday!
Much love,
The Sheriff

menstrual revolution!

I'm shocked that I haven't written about this before, but a cursury glance through the archives didn't give any hints that I had (also the search bar is useless, and will be removed today: I tried to find my article on spanking, and it turned up nothing. Google, get on my level). But today is a day for talking about periods!

I had the extreme misfortune of getting my period heinously early (age nine, guys. NINE), and had plenty of heinously embarrassing experiences because of it. I didn't hate it, I just had no interest in having it or really understanding why it was happening to me and not to everyone else my age. It was kinda cool being the most knowledgeable about sex and bodies and hormones at all the sleepovers (that hasn't really changed), but I didn't really feel too strongly about it. Then it disappeared for several years, thanks to anorexia-induced amenorrhea.

But come college and a lovely Freshman 40 weight gain, and things are going mostly smoothly, menstrually speaking. I'd read about how tampon cotton is bleached and contains dioxins, a possibly carcinogenic substance. That's FUCKED UP that anyone would think it's okay for a corporation to market that and sell it widely and have women inserting it directly inside themselves. But organic tampons, like everything crunchy and organic and intended to make rich white folks feel better about their lives, are expensive (even more overpriced than regular tampons!). So what to do?

Enter the Diva Cup.

According to their website, "The DivaCup is a non-absorbent menstrual cup that simply collects menstrual flow. It is inserted in the vagina and sits at the lower base of the vaginal canal. It is worn internally, yet because it is soft and smooth, it cannot be felt nor will it leak when inserted properly." And honestly, all of that is true. It's fantastic. It's sanitary, it's good for the earth, and it's waaaay cheaper than dropping ten bucks a month on tampons.

But. The learning curve is steep. The insertion process is seriously tricky, and the first time I tried about a year ago, I fucked around for half an hour until I felt raw and gave up and wanted to cry. How hard could it be? Trying again the next day somehow made it click, and it worked. And it was glorious.

Also, you MUST be very comfortable with your own blood/fluids to use it. You can leave it in for up to 12 hours, which is fantastic, but sometimes? It gets a little full. You might get some on your hands (or all over your thighs, as I once did). But I think it's a beautiful thing to be comfortable and in touch your body and its processes. You'll be getting your period for probably another 30-40 years: why not make it easier on yourself, and get to know your body?

It does present some awkward social situations (how do I clean out my cup in a busy rest stop bathroom without scaring small children?), but most of those pale in comparison to the perks (less carcinogens in my body and less trash in landfills, more money in my pocket).

Have you ever considered the Diva Cup or another alternative to commercially available pads/tampons?

Much love,
The Sheriff

voting: just do it.

Regardless of your personal politics, just vote. Please. Don't be one of those apathetic assholes who abstains because they think it's useless and that politics is all a sham and we have no say and blahblahblah. This is your right. If you are anything other than a white, educated man, at some point in this country's history, you were disenfranchised and couldn't vote. So act right, enjoy your hard-won power, and cast your vote, dammit.

In related news, this video is absolutely abhorrent. I don't know anyone in Colorado, but if you live there, PLEASE vote no on 62. Your people are acting apeshit if they think this kind of political advertisement is factual or okay.

Much love,
The Sheriff

halloween links!

As noted in my last piece, slutty costumes abound at Halloween...and these are just absurd. Sexy Nemo?! My 8th grade field trip is ruined forever.

Some silly Halloween cartoons...not really related to sex or feminism (except that the sexy female vampires want their rights!).

Why do many women consistently dismiss lousy sex? The Sheriff does not stand for this.

And this is a great piece about a man confronting abortion protesters.

Happy Friday!
Much love,
The Sheriff

"Slutty" Halloween Costumes: oppressive, fun, neither?

As a (somewhat) typical college-age woman, I've gone to a few Halloween affairs. And Mean Girls got it right: for many of us, it seems to be the only occasion in which a woman can dress as slutty as she likes and no one can say anything mean about it because hey, it's Halloween.

I do find it hard to get offended about the somewhat revealing nature of Halloween costumes. It's a holiday, and if you truly don't want to participate, I guess you could make your own (non-revealing) outfit. Sure, I agree that it's unfair that it's nigh impossible to find a cute but not borderline prostitute outfit, but it is still something you can opt out of and come up with your own interpretation.

In that vein, last night Baby and I went to a house party dressed as Snooki and Jwoww, respectively.


We looked ridiculous, with our massive poufs, bracelets for earrings, and bronzer, but we looked perfectly Jersey. We set out for a fun evening. And it was fun.

Except when we were sexually harassed. One man felt compelled to actually reach into my cleavage, apropos of nothing, and adjust my shirt. Baby said she felt uncomfortable and hyper aware (as our very sober designated driver...feminists have responsible fun!) of the fact that people were staring at her chest and body as they talked to her. While this (sadly) is not the first time I've had such reactions, I was fucking appalled at the fact that the guys doing this weren't totally trashed or being douches the rest of the time: they seemed like pretty decent, average folks. And they still thought adjusting a stranger's tits was fine?

I talked to my mama about this and she raised the point: why not just wear less revealing clothes if they're going to be dicks? But that's the equivalent of letting the terrorists win: by letting their sexist, unrefined mannerisms alter my behavior, I'm letting them win. Not to get dramatic about slutty Halloween costumes, but it's sort of admitting defeat.

I bare body parts not for the reception that it gets but because it's fun. It's freeing to stop being intellectual and put together and to act like someone else for the night, and that shouldn't be something that's interrupted by unwanted touching. This individual in question was immediately aware of the fact that what he did wasn't okay, but let's raise the bar in general for men. Let's expect more of them, and insist that they rise to the occasion.

So, revealing outfits or not: happy Halloween everyone!


Much love,
The Sheriff

stripteasin'

Meatball's birthday came and went, and I still never got around to giving him his birthday present, as logistical factors kept getting in the way: one of us was sick, he had finals, I had my period, we plain forgot about it when we had the chance(further proof I am actually an old woman). But last week, a window of opportunity opened, and I took it and gave my first ever striptease.

Despite Meatball's belonging to a frat and being an athlete, he is quite the gentlemen and never asked for a striptease. I offered. I've thought about performing one for years now, but never had quite the right audience (dating a mixture of jerks and people who made me feel insecure about my body may have contributed to me not wanting to bump and grind naked on their lap). But with him, I definitely did: I know he loves my body, that he'd appreciate it, and that he'd respond in kind with some equally vulnerable display (and he is!). It wasn't super intense or vulgar; I may have been pretty tipsy and a little nervous, but it was straight up me.


And I loved doing it. I felt sexy, it was a huge turn on, and it actually felt pretty natural. Oh, and he liked it too.

Context is obviously everything with an act like this: had he pushed me into doing it, or had I felt deeply uncomfortable, it would've been tainted and gross and dripping with sexism. But I offered to and wanted to do this. Does that take away the fact that it's still something catered to the male gaze? Would it be different if I'd done a dance for a female partner?

For myself, I honestly don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I don't claim stripping as a necessarily powerful or feminist act for myself, but it felt amazing, as someone who has struggled vehemently with eating disorders, body image issues and my sexuality, to have total control and to feel truly, uncompromisingly hot. Although it's literally a performance, it was an authentic expression of my sexuality to me: I'm a bold, in control partner, and this was no change from that. Short of painting the female symbol on my stomach, this was as close to a feminist striptease as I'd ever encountered, and I was pretty damn pleased with its non-exploitative feel. It was just good clean sexy fun, for both of us.

But again, context is everything. If he'd demanded a dance and dictated how it went and what it looked like, I'd be out the fucking door.

Much love,
The Sheriff

Ps-You have until Saturday to enter to win a vibrator/candle/massage oil!
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Friday links

It's not actually Friday yet, but I have a job interview tomorrow so I'm posting now (cross your fingers for me!).

Enter for a vibe from us in our previous post :)

There is a whole lot of anger (understandably) on the internets about the Yale DKE incident. Read general stuff/watch the video about it here, read an interview with one of the brothers, and read a feminist response from Yale here.

In nicer Greek life news, the sorority Delta Delta Delta recently hosted Fat Talk Free Week.

Horrifying sexist vintage ads (shared with me by my frat boy boyfriend...should I be worried?)

Response from a young feminist to Katha Politt irritation with us.

And finally: who gets to be a feminist?

Much love,
The Albright Sheriff

FF's First Interview: A Player from the Lingerie Football League

I thought for a while about doing a piece on the Lingerie Football League, a league that intrigued and baffled me. I found it incredible that women were given a chance to play real tackle football, not powderpuff bullshit, but to put them in lingerie...not only is it heinously oversexualizing, but isn't it just plain unsafe?
So I was going to just write a typical rant on that, until I realized a former classmate of mine was actually in the LFL. I've known Saige Steinmetz (now of the Tampa Breeze) since middle school, and she's always been wildly athletic. Below is her interview. Lots of food for thought. Enjoy!
Much love,
The Sheriff


How did you get started with the LFL? What were your initial thoughts about playing for a female football league? How long have you been on the team?

I am a rookie on the Tampa Breeze team & I first heard about it over winter break of last year. My mom actually saw an interview on ESPN of the Philly coach & she told me to maybe check if Tampa had a team because I attended University of Tampa at the time so it would have been perfect. I found their website & followed them throughout the season til they had open tryouts in June.
My first reaction was, "Wow, I gotta lose weight," because every girl on the roster at the time wasn’t over 135lbs so I was thinking to myself that there was no way these girls can be athletes looking like skinny rails. But I decided to pursue the tryouts because football is something I have always wanted to do especially when you’re allowed to hit and tackle.

What do you like about it? Is there anything you don't like?

There really isn’t much I can say that I don’t like about it. I like the fact that it’s real football, it’s real 7v7 tackle football...you can hit, tackle, jump, smack, trip, do whatever it takes to get a girl down. I have played sports my whole life and I have never had a rush in any game like I have when I’m playing this sport, I absolutely love it.
A personal dislike about it is the whole modeling side, the glitz and glamour. It’s cool and all to get photos taken and see yourself on TV, but it’s just not me. I’m an athlete not a model, so I represent myself as an athlete rather than a model. But those are the two sides of it: football and modeling.
Also personally, I would rather wear a more covered uniform, but when I’m out there playing, the uniform is the last thing on my mind. My mind set is on the girl across me rather than what I look like in the uniform. The uniform and shoulder pads given to us for game days aren’t too safe either. Our whole team wears thigh high socks to cover up at least half of our legs, but we are playing on turf and turf burn does occur frequently. I still have a huge open burn on my knee from almost a month ago now and a scar from one on my stomach. Plus, the first game I dislocated my shoulder and was sent to the hospital because the pads they give us are nothing but shells sitting on top of our shoulders. So if they want to keep it real, mean, dirty, tackle football they got to start worrying about our safety when it comes to pads and covering us up.

Is there good team comraderie?

Our team is pretty close, my current roommate is also my team mate. I just met these girls a couple of months ago but I have gotten pretty close to some of them and I definitely love going to practice to see everyone. We have fun but we also work hard. But again, I’m playing on an all girls team, everyone knows how girls are and how petty some of them can be but that’s the point of playing on a team…if there wasn't drama, practice could get boring haha. Plus every team has those certain individuals who are not team players and tend to just play for themselves but I don’t let any of that get to me. 95% of our team plays for each other and I’d have it no other way.


How are the fans?

The fans are great. Whether they are out there checking us out or actually watching football doesn’t get to me as long as they are having fun. I mean I used to go to football games or baseball games just to see who was hot or not in the games, so I’m not going to judge someone for something I have done myself. They do support us a lot but we could always use more and need more support. I have two different facebooks now to keep my football life separate from my personal life because promoting is a BIG thing in this league. If we don’t promote then the fans don’t come along then we go off the air and lose the league. The league is still semi-new and I feel that it is only getting bigger and better, so I am excited to see what the future holds for us.

What's the training like? Are there a lot of demands on your time?

The training isn’t anything I’m personally not used to but if you haven’t played a competitive sport at some point in your life, it might come off real intense. I played two sports in college for the last four years so I came into tryouts in semi-good shape but from June til now, my shape has only gotten better. All of our coaches have experience in the NFL so they know what they are talking about and they certainly know how to train us. It’s definitely not a joke but because we only do practice three times a week, you would have to do outside training yourself if you want to get better. I personally do all my training during the week (Mon-Fri), which includes lifting, running, eating healthy & practicing football. But then on the weekends, it’s "me" time, I relax, recover and eat whatever I want. It keeps me busy all the time, just like a job, which I love. So the training is definitely no joke, but to me it could always get harder :)

Do you have any obligations aside from games/practices/trainings?

Yes, we have photo shoots and promotions and advertising and all that good stuff. It’s nothing crazy though, we have only had 3 photo shoots since I started playing, a couple of promotions here and there, and we have team posters and flyers all around the city of Tampa. We are doing the best we can to let the people know what the LFL is and what it is we really do.


What do you think about the uniforms?

The question about the uniforms is always asked haha. Like I said before, I’m not thinking about what I’m wearing when I’m running around in the game trying to compete and win. We only wear the uniforms game days, so it’s not like I have it hanging ready for me to put on. They keep all uniforms and have them for us on game days. One major thing I do not like about them for sure is that they are one size fits all. This kind of just makes me laugh that they actually think every girl on our team is built the same and will fit in the uniforms perfectly, but it’s just something we got to deal with. I know among the girls, we have thought of better ideas on what to wear and still look "cute" while playing, but again, the league is still new and we're hoping some things change but if not, it’s fine, I don’t think it could get much worse at least.

cheerful shiny healthy relationships

I have a confession to make: I've realized the content on here has gotten considerably less raunchy (and probably less funny too...sad face!) since I've been in a committed relationship with Meatball. Part of this is simply because the blog has matured a little bit, as has my writing style and the content along with it. Furthermore, there are only so many articles you can do on things like anal sex before it becomes redundant (didn't think anal could be redundant? You were wrong). I've found more social issues to attack and juicer discussions when I'm not merely blogging about the nitty gritty of my sexual encounters, past and present, but about broader issues of sexism and feminism. But, admittedly, a large piece of the decrease in sexy time content is because I actually care about Meatball's reaction to what I write about our sex life. And as it is something we share, I have to ponder a little longer about what I write about us, how it might be perceived by him and others, etc.

I also haven't written a significant amount about our relationship because it simply seems like gloating (which I will indulge in right now anyway). We have fantastic sex. There's a lot of trust. We do disgustingly cute things together, like visiting aquariums and carving pumpkins (and also sexy things, like when I finally give him his birthday striptease...which will maybe generate raunchier content! Win all around). He's great at encouraging me, and best of all, he tries to be really helpful and understanding of my eating disorder without also enabling me or allowing me to ditch recovery when it sucks. It's pretty close to perfect.

But all of this gloating has a point.

One of my younger readers asked a great question: how do you tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships?

In high school health class, we only briefly breezed over this, mostly highlighting the obvious ones (physical, sexual, and verbal abuse) without examining what a great relationship looks like. And this is important: relationships have a HUGE effect on your emotional well-being. Sometimes, the line between healthy and unhealthy is blurry, especially when looked at through the lens of teenage dramas and the like, where the male love interest does creepy things that are labeled as "cute" instead of "possibly dangerous" like breaking into your house to watch you sleep or calling/leaving messages repeatedly. When this is seen as merely being persistent instead of a warning sign, it's not that surprising that it's hard to understand what's healthy and what isn't.

And that's to say nothing of how even totally rational people can begin to act slightly ridiculous (or at least want to) when in the beginning infatuation stage of love, when you truly believe that the sun shines out of their ass and all you want to do is be around them, beaming at each other in post-coital bliss (okay, Meatball and I still do that sometimes).

So here's my basic guide. I'm still figuring it out too (by no means is this an exhaustive list, for either side)!

Healthy:
-Is generally kind and respectful in both language and behavior; willing to apologize when they're not
-Does not use sex as a weapon (either withholding it or forcing it upon their partner). Agrees to use protection when asked.
-Willing to experiment, adjust, and compromise to make sex fulfilling and safe for both parties
-NEVER physically abusive. EVER (this is not one to compromise on, kids)
-Gives you space to do your own thing
-Expresses affection (I know this differs for everyone to the degree where they feel comfortable, but as Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Figure out how much affection you need, and communicate it to them clearly)
-Has hobbies, interests, and friends outside of you
-Doesn't try to constrain YOUR hobbies, interests, or friends so that you can spend more time with them
-Speaks clearly and without deceit; doesn't try to manipulate you
-Makes you feel good, in general and about yourself

Unhealthy:
-Makes you do things you are uncomfortable with, sexually or otherwise
-Makes you feel bad if you refuse to comply with their desires
-Raises a hand to harm you
-Discounts your ideas
-Relies solely on you for emotional support and guidance
-Attempts to limit your contact with friends or your hobbies in order to spend more time with you
-Manipulates you (usually manifested when they know your "pushbutton" issues and activate them just to make you upset)
-Discourages you or verbally puts you down in any way
-Unwilling to compromise


Any additions to the list, wise readers?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the sheriff ponders polyamory

The ideal of "true love" being with just one person, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, always confounded me a little bit. Isn't it a little scary and maybe even stupid to put all your emotional and sexual eggs in one basket (sexual eggs? Just roll with it)? To imagine that this one individual can satisfy you in every way, forever and always, seems to be an act of extreme hope and idealism, and I think that's why people keep returning to it. But that's also why, at least on a theoretical level, I can see why some folks are attracted to polyamory.

Polyamory is usually defined as the practice of having more than one romantic/sexual relationship at once (and it is also not recognized by my spellcheck...but neither are classism, heteronormative, or transgender!). On the surface level, this just sounds like someone who needs to reel it in a little bit, or maybe they've just got some control issues or daddy didn't love them enough or whatever. But, done right, for some people, it is a great and much more emotionally sustainable system than monogamy.

But for it to be that, it's got to honest, consensual, and responsible. I read Open by Jenny Block last winter, and it gave me a lot to chew on and think about. She got married, imagining she'd be with one dude forever and ever, but slowly began to realize that it wasn't for her, not sexually and definitely not emotionally. Interestingly, while she has a girlfriend, her husband has not seen other people or really indulged in the open half of the relationship, which prompts me to add another trait to the list of necessary factors to make it healthy: mutuality. It sets up a strange power dynamic, to me, if one person indulges their desires with others while their partner, for whatever reason, doesn't. Maybe I just feel that way because it happened to me.

My last relationship, with Beefcake, ended in a really horrible way. We were both intelligent enough people and had been together long enough to know each other's emotional states pretty thoroughly. We'd always had threesomes and I was nearly always down to try anything he suggested, but it reached a point where that wasn't enough: he insisted on being able to sleep with other women. The alternative was to end the relationship as I was beginning treatment for my eating disorder. I felt like I needed him, and made the most regrettable choice of my life: I said yes to an open relationship.

It didn't improve anything. It only made things more amplified and worse all around. When he told me he'd had sex with someone else for the first time, it was while I was driving the 300 miles to PA to see him. I had to pull over on the side of the road to cry, I was sobbing so hard. After that, he continued to sleep with other people, but began lying to me about it. It was an absolute disaster. But, there are plenty of people out there for whom this is the right choice, and when responsibly done with honesty, consent and mutuality, it can be an alternative for someone who doesn't fit into our model that accepts only two partners.

While I cannot recommend polyamory to anyone, as it definitely did not do my life any favors, I think it raises some really great questions about the nature of monogamy that are worth exploring. Can one person really be your everything? Should they? Is it an ideal to aim for, or a broken institution intent on monitoring female sexuality? Or is it hard, but worth fighting for with the right individual? Talk it up!

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS-HAPPY COMING OUT DAY!

A few articles

I was reading the Washington Post this morning, and I found a few articles that might interest everyone.
"No more marriage gap for college educated women":

"More US women pull down the big bucks"

Happy Friday!!

Lots of Love,
Lady Lola

we are legit.

Hey ya'll,
So I'm in Hell this week with papers and good news and homework and taking the GRE Friday (ahhh wish me luck!), but personal whinings aside, I did want to share that we now have a domain name.

That's right. We're now www.fornicatingfeminists.com. I paid the whole $10 myself. We are official.

Anyway. Promise some juicy articles coming soon!

Much love,
The Sheriff

what FF has done for me

A good friend of mine recently shared this link with me, encouraging me to apply for this scholarship for college bloggers. I jumped at the chance, and just submitted my app (cross your fingers for FF! PS, if we win, we'll split the dolla dolla bills amongst all of us, of course). I thought I'd share the essay I submitted with ya'll, because I really do owe this soapbox of FF a lot: it's kept me accountable for recovery (it's hard to indulge your eating disorder when everyone and their mom has read about it), helped me process a devastating breakup and figure out how my feminism works in real life on a daily basis. So thanks for reading! Post on polyamory coming up...soon?


What began in April 2010 as a collaborative blog about sex and feminism in the unique world of Smith College quickly grew into my passion, as my entries signed with my pseudonym “The Sheriff” vastly outnumbered those by other writers on Fornicating Feminists. The blog has decidedly matured from its short and profanity-laden beginnings into discussions that incorporate social theory into the ethics of faking orgasms, but I feel the enthusiasm and authenticity of the origins in still evident in each piece. Going through eating disorder treatment, a difficult breakup, and navigating the college dating (and boning) scene for the first time with my feminist mindset intact proved to be difficult, and through writing about it in a public forum, I processed incidents, emotions, and social issues in a way I never could’ve done on my own. While I was teasing out my own feelings about spanking or porn, I also realized the power blogging had to generate conversations among my friends and (most thrilling of all) complete strangers about what healthy, authentic sexuality looks like, how women can develop that, and the role men have in unwittingly condoning oppression. Particularly powerful to me have been the reactions to the pieces I’ve written about my experiences with eating disorders, self-esteem, and the path to a positive and happy body image. High school girls I’ve worked with through my summer jobs have sent me messages that made me realize the influence one lone encouraging voice has in telling them their big thighs, their Jew nose, their flat chest are all beautiful and perfect and they deserve to interact with people who make them feel that way too. There is an inherent power in women sharing their stories of both oppression and triumph, and I’m thrilled to be a part of that.

Much love,
The Sheriff