feminist gift guide!

I must admit, one of my favorite things about this time of year is all the gift buying and giving, and looking at gift guides for ingenious ideas (which I inevitably end up ignoring, because they're too expensive or assume that all fathers love golf and grills while mamas adore pedicures and candles, which doesn't help me buy for me ex-hippie parents). Although the Sheriff won't be having a traditional Christmas this year (my parents will be out of the country! Crazy!), I thought I'd contribute some ideas for those of you buying for the lovely feminist in your life (you can also buy them for me out of sympathy, since I'll be ever so lonely this holiday season...).

There's the iconic tee for the loud-and-proud, This Is What a Feminist Looks Like. It comes in all sorts of colors and sizes and styles, so it's great for menfolk/trans individuals/ladies who don't want a super-tight tee clinging to their chest.

luxury sex toys...mmm

The Sheriff is, of course, a serious fan of sex toys as presents for any and all occasions (Christmas, Hanukkah, weddings, graduations, baby showers...), and Babeland is an extremely woman-friendly place to buy from. For the toy novice, something small and less daunting is a great choice, like this little guy. If you're looking more for something to share with a male lover and to introduce him to toys in the bedroom, the duet cock ring is a lot of fun. If you're really serious about your lover (and I mean SERIOUS), there's the JimmyJane eternity vibe, which is made of platinum and clocks in at over $3000 (twice the price of my car, but perhaps worth it for the ultimate orgasm?).

If your lovely feminist is the readin' type, maybe spring for a subscription to BUST or Bitch, two great feminist magazines. Or be cheap and just refer them to this fantastic feminist blog, Fornicating Feminists (see what I did there? Sneaky self-promotion!).

Of course, you could get her a delightful Diva Cup. But since menstruation is (understandably) a little personal, maybe only buy her one if you know she's been thinking about it/needs a new one.

Finally, if you're buying for a philanthropic person (or you're just clueless about what material goodies they're pining for/needing), you could be an outstanding person and make a donation in their name to a cause they support. I like Kiva, which allows you to make mico-loans directly to a person or group in another country to help them build up their business so they can support themselves (donate to women!). Of course, there are also thousands of other worthy causes out there that are often in dire need of financial support, so find out what they care about (Animals? A religious groups' efforts? Disaster relief? Reproductive rights? Education?), and go nuts.

Happy gifting!
Much love,
The Sheriff

cut it out: fat talk and why it's not just bad for you

Smith College (and Albright House in particular, of course) is often a shining utopia of what the world would be like if everyone was tolerant and diverse and loved gays and themselves and no one ever said bad things about their body and everyone complimented each other relentlessly. But it is also a place where eating disorders are rampant, and people put ugly amounts of pressure on themselves academically, physically, and emotionally, and where women bitch at the dinner table about how fat they are and the calories in their food to groups of their friends.

Fat talk is one of the things I hate most in this world. It seems innocent enough: everyone has those days where they feel that their thighs look like tree trunks, and they want to moan to their friends about it until everyone collapses in and gives them what they want: assurance. Assurance that you are good, beautiful, smart, not nearly as hideous as you think, and even that your thighs are quite lovely. But do you ever really feel good after that dousing of compliments? Do you ever think your friends feel good after you cast the critical light on your own body and caloric intake, encouraging them to do the same to their own? It only drags you down, and everyone along with you.

This past April, this wonderful blog post came out about how when we capitulate to the beauty standards and hate on our bodies, ALL WOMEN suffer. I never realized this more clearly than when my niece was born. At six years old now, she's a normal-sized, happy girl but I wonder how long that can last (even living in Humboldt County, CA). Will she be able to maintain that innocently high self-esteem that has nothing to do with her appearance? I hope so.

Anyway, here's the more eloquent version of what I'd like to say.

Your surrender is significant

To my fellow females:

For every one of you who capitulates to unfair standards of beauty, it is THAT MUCH HARDER for the rest of us to resist.

When you deny yourself food when you are hungry, when you call yourself names, when you spend way too much money on clothing and makeup, when you let yourself feel guilty for eating dessert, when you spend more time and money than you can afford to on bringing your appearance into line with The Man's dictates, IT AFFECTS US TOO.

It affects me. It affects my friends. It affects my younger sister and my little cousins.

Stop judging your worth by your appearance, like you're some collector's doll or a show dog. Stop doing things that you think are stupid just because it's culturally mandated. Stop accepting standards of beauty without asking where they come from, what they signify, what you think of them. Stop, stop, stop.

Don't you see, this heaviness you feel, we all feel it and for us part of the heaviness is what you have added by complying? And yes, some of your heaviness is my fault. It belongs to me too.

Your compliance is significant. Your surrender carries weight. Your capitulation is not just personal.

I am angry, yes. At myself too. (I promise there's never an imperative statement or word of advice on this blog that I don't write for myself as well as for you.)

I'm going to keep saying no to all this bullshit, even when it hurts and it's really tiring. I'm going to look my reflection in the eye even when it's all wrong, and I'm not going to say that I FEEL FAT like "fat" is an actual emotion. I'm not going to idolize sick women while calling myself a feminist. I'm going to eat as much as I need and I'm going to keep it down, and I'm going to do what I want to do even when I'm not confident in my appearance.

I don't want to come off like I'm saying I'm a saint, somehow stronger than all this and above all this. Frankly, some days I feel like I cannot deal with myself and these pressures, and please, I still struggle with disordered eating to an extent; I know what poison is like.

But I need this defiance even more. I need to know that I am not making this society any more oppressive for those of us born with two X chromosomes.

And you see, the flip side is this: if your surrender means something, then your defiance means even more.

Living within the lie can constitute the system only if it is universal ... therefore everyone who steps out of line denies it in principle and threatens it in its entirety ... As soon as the alternative appears, it threatens the very existence of appearance and living a lie in terms of what they are, both their essence and their all-inclusiveness. And at the same time, it is utterly unimportant how large a space this alternative occupies: its power does not consist in its physical attributes but in the light it casts on those pillars of the system and on its unstable foundations.

- Václav Havel

So if you decide to give the finger to The Man and his beauty culture, I'll be there with you. We can stand together and wave at the horizon and tell each other when we notice one of us starting to cave, and then help hold each other up. You won't be there alone. Promise.



Much love,
The Sheriff

is marriage dead?

unrealistic photoshop, but ADORABLE

Time magazine this week featured an article entitled "Marriage: What's It Good for?" which brought forth the fact that a nationwide poll of Americans revealed that 40% of us think marriage is obsolete. Interestingly, only 5% of that group says they will never marry. But since marriage is no longer necessary to get sex, respect as an adult, or even children, many folks think it's an obsolete institution, which is funny as it's something a lot of gay activists are very much fighting for.

The main thing that's seemed to shift, to me, is that marriage is no longer the first step in becoming recognized as an adult: it's the final piece of adulthood, the cream on the cake, somewhat frivolous or unnecessary if you've already established financial success and a career and all that. My mama married the first time at 18, and lived in a house in New Jersey that used to be where migrant workers who picked blueberries would live (i.e., it was incredibly small and cheap). Financial stability was not a pre-requisite then the way it is now.

But I really don't buy this article's premise. If marriage was actually dead, why do 95% of people still say they want to marry some day? Perhaps it's not in the same manner or time frame as our parents did, but that's still a pretty high approval rating! Or maybe I just feel that way because I love weddings with a stupid passion. What do you think?

some thoughts, care of Gloria

Much love,
The Sheriff

oh, the horror: bridalplasty

I'm not one for reality TV, as I'm usually one of those assholes who finds it morally abhorrent to put people into competitive situations and then laugh at their pathetic antics. But I have a soft spot for weddings (yes, that's probably not very feminist of me, but I love big parties and cake and love!), and couldn't turn down an invitation to watch the second episode of Bridalplasty last night for a good dose of shock value and horror.

And I was not disappointed.

The show's basic premise: take a group of brides-to-be with severely low self-esteem and pit them against each other in weekly competitions. Each woman has a "Wish List" of the plastic surgery procedures she wants done (you can check that out on the link above: one woman wants her second toe shortened. Also, one of the contestants is only 20!),and if she wins that week's competition, she gets one piece of work done from her list. The overall winner of the show gets everything done on her list, and gets her dream wedding paid for. As each contestant is voted off, the host (the ever classy Shanna Moakler) tells them, "Your wedding will still go on. It just won't be perfect."

...yep. Because perfection is really something we should strive for, and clearly the only way to achieve it is by going under the knife.

This week's challenge featured them having to write their vows...and then compared that to a video of their future spouses telling us what they wished their brides-to-be would vow. This included things from the sweet (always be faithful) to the mundane (keep the house clean) to the kinds of things that just don't belong in wedding vows (take ski lessons? Make him work out more? Have sex with him on call?).

Although it was obviously catered to their future husbands' wants/needs/dreams, the women took it up in earnest. Sadly, the one girl on the show who was truly sympathetic and could be said to "need" plastic surgery (she'd had a lump removed from one of her breasts, and wanted to even them out, saying she wanted to feel sexy again. Sad.) lost the competition and then was voted off by her compatriots for being too stiff of competition.

The bride who won? She was immediately whisked off to get her nose done, which the surgeon noted was the only thing ruining her pretty face. She came out of the surgery and immediately asked for her mom. When she came back to the house, the rest of the brides surrounded her, cooing over her new nose and that she'd actually gotten it done. But she didn't look good: she looked sick, and she looked beaten. It was hard to watch.

The show is a perfect storm for ratings: it preys on the insecurites of women and makes them look like stereotypical, image obsessed bitches (which always gets fantastic ratings and press...think of how apeshit everyone went over the downfall of Britney and Lindsay), features something gruesome but fascinating, and it's all about competition. I don't have the energy for a serious feminist critique, or even a rant, but I don't think I need to indulge in either of those. This show is just sad. It did inspire me though: I now want to start sitting outside of plastic surgeon office's, protesting and telling women they're beautiful, their tits are great, go home.

Anyone else watch this atrocity?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday linkage

I kept meaning to watch Bridalplasty and write something on it, but Vagina Drum has taken care of that for me! 

 The male gaze, actively at work in sex toy shops!

EXTREMELY gendered holiday toys for kids. This makes me sad, because apparently girls are only good at caring for things, not actively participating in the world around them.

Why being pregnant would be pretty much a terrible career choice for my girl Beyonce.

As someone who will be teaching next year (AHHH), I found this article intriguing and spot on. (75% of Americans wouldn't qualify for the military?! Sheesh. We are a bunch of undereducated, overweight, criminals!)

I absolutely loved this piece about being a mom. "Feminism lives in the kitchen as much as it lives in the board room."

Much love,
The Sheriff

5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference!

Hey all my local, western Mass readers! Below is some information about the 5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference, which my awesome friend works really hard to put together. Read through the info and see if you're interested in contributing to the workshops or just attending and participating in awesome conversations about sexuality and gender yumminess in the five-college area.


The 5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference 2011 workshop proposal form is now live! Please pass this along to anyone who might be interested in offering a workshop or facilitating a panel: http://www.surveygizmo.com/s/401230/queerconf2011workshops

The 5-College Queer Sexuality and Gender Conference will be held on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at Hampshire College's campus. In this day-long conference student leaders, community members, and professional speakers and educators team up to offer workshops and panels that address crucial but often ignored topics surrounding sexuality. This conference is open to and inclusive of everyone, and aims to provide a platform to discuss things that are normally labeled off-limits if mentioned at all. Our goal is to provide a safe, fun, engaging, and much-needed learning environment.

For more information check out the Facebook event (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=148627125172707&ref=ts) and the website (http://www.hampshire.edu/studentlife/16892.htm) or email queerconf@hampshire.edu.

oh to be so shallow

I've been debating frequently in one of my classes about reproductive technology, designer babies, and genetic engineering for frivolous purposes (to make a child more attractive, primarily...or as one student awkwardly put it, "hot babies"). While much of it is hypothetical ("in the extremely unlikely scenario in which this extremely unreliable technology becomes widespread"), one thing that we got stuck on is this: is it so wrong to want attractive children?

The way I imagine it, at the most base level, selecting your kid's genes (while creepy and eugenics-y and not at all something I endorse for non-medical reasons) is not necessarily that different than selecting an attractive person to mate with (or a sperm donor who describes his looks as something that sounds like it might mix well with your own genetic offerings). No one heads out to the bars and seeks out a mediocre person, or even a downright ugly one to take home that night. We all head for the people who strike us as attractive (whatever that means to you). And naturally, when expecting  a child, no one hopes for their future bundle of joy to be ugly or disfigured in some way that will impede their growth or socialization: shallow or not, we all want attractive, smart kids. And we want to find good lookin' people to make them with.

But my question is: is this desire natural? Or is it learned?

I wholeheartedly think what we conceive of as attractive is often socialized bullshit, but some things seem to be based in a natural desire to find someone who will give our offspring a chance of surviving. So while I might pick the brunette girl with a thick ass or the guy with broad shoulders and someone else might find those features off-putting, the exact traits that make you weak in the knees are almost arbitrary. The really important urge is that the prospective partner is someone who seems healthy looking and reasonably attractive in the purely genetic sense (symmetrical figures, "average" sized, the like), an urge might very well be "natural." But as we are no longer living in the woods, fighting for our survival with our brains and bodies alone, does it make sense that we extrapolate this "natural" urge to raw attractiveness alone?

Just some half-formed thoughts congealing as I write a final paper on gamete donation. Gimmie your more intelligent comments!

Much love,
The Sheriff

Oh, and happy December!