This post is likely to be one in a series, Sheriff's Wisdom. I've been lucky enough to have friends and strangers and family members approach me with questions about sex, bodies, relationships, and lady issues of all kinds. Here goes the first week's column!
I was asked last year about this one by a friend (and was completely and totally flattered because I am by no means an expert, I just talk a lot about this stuff): What're the effects of bringing another person/people in the bedroom? How do you deal with potential hurt feelings/jealousy? How do you pick the right person?
First of all, to anyone considering adding another body to their bedroom, kudos on being open enough to look outside of the confines of monogamy. I would also like to say, if you have no interest in a threesome or no interest beyond the thoughts you have when you're alone with your vibrator, that's completely and totally fine and you're not a prude. Lately, I feel like it's treated as if it's a deserved thing for men in monogamous relationships (consider the lyrics of
Kanye in "Birthday Song" where he says that if you've given your girl a BMW, you automatically qualify for a menage a trois! It's just that easy, gentlemen), and that women need to be increasingly freaky in order to get attention or to not seem frigid. Which is some bullshit.
However.
If that is not you, and you are genuinely interested in pursuing this option, read on!
I think that threesomes, done right, can be a fun way to make a monogamous relationship more expansive or a way to have casual fun that need not be with anyone you know. But if you're already in a relationship, picking that third wheel is an important part of making the process a positive experience. Your options are basically the following: A. Pick someone you already know. B. Pick someone who is mostly a stranger. There are pros and cons to both. With someone you know, you likely have more trust and can determine perhaps to a better extent how jealous you might feel--would it be okay with you to see the person who was giving your partner oral around campus? What if they were friends before and continued to hang out afterwards? Would that make you feel jealous and queasy? With a stranger, of course, there's different problems too--you don't know them at all, so they could be full of diseases, and even if they're not full of warts, they could present a threat to your relationship precisely because they're an unknown variable. In either combo, I strongly recommend a little alcohol to loosen things up and get it started--liquid courage is necessary when embarking on something as awkward to begin as three-way sexual interaction.
What to do with any feelings that arise? You must be comfortable with your partner and confident enough in your bond to feel okay explaining to them how it made you feel afterward. If a threesome leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth (pun not intended), you must be able to tell them that and own it and not feel apologetic. It's up to the two of you at that point for how to repair, but I'd suggest starting with some real good, monogamous, lovey dovey sex to restore a bit of confidence in your bond as a couple. Works wonders
Bottom line is: you need to have honest discussions before you do this is jealousy is an issue or something you think would flare up. You need to know your boundaries and your partner's boundaries well in advance, to avoid a meltdown mid-fuck. And you
need to
be comfortable, whatever that means for you. A threesome should be an experience where it's fun and exciting and sexy, not something that makes you feel insecure or bad about your performance or body or relationship.
Have you had a threesome? Any advice on this matter?
Much love,
The Sheriff
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