In a recent conversation with a friend, the issue was brought up of how incredibly sleazy most attempts to pick her up have been, coming from either hetero guys or women who have only ever been with hetero guys. The theory here is the women learn about picking up women only from the hetero guys they’ve been with, and that the hetero guy form of “picking up a chick” can be decidedly sleazy.
How many times have you seen teenage boys yelling at women? “Hey honey, nice ass!” “Whens the last time you were with a real man?” “I’d tap that” But it doesn’t stop there – the sleaziness of an attempted pick-up can range from idiotic and confrontational cat-calling to creeperific staring, hovering, etc. Oftentimes, especially closer range, it has a lot to do with drunkenness – but how did this become such a commonplace, thoughtless action? Does it ever actually work?
I’m worried that the sleaze-approach is one that continues because of a cyclical event, reoccurring, as either the low-self esteem of a woman validates the sleaziness of a man or vice versa. This cycle of sexism and emotional violence is one only perpetuated by the media, as well as by the examples that older generations set for younger ones.
This cycle is yet another reason why the term “Think Globally, Act Locally” is essential to just about every movement. Because if you don’t work to fix and educate up from the sexism at home, who will? But on the flip side, how do you combat sexism at home when its confrontational, personal and all sorts of ugly?
As a gender non-conforming person, I don’t get cat-called often, and when I do, it’s usually about my sexuality. For me, this poses an issue of safety in confrontation, depending on the time and place that it happens. We can go with the Sheriff’s tried and true method of flipping the bird and walking away, but what about before or after these actions of overt sexism happen?
How do we find the courage within ourselves to stand up for women, to make the conversation lose its energy while we reprimand someone or try to educate them, how do we find the courage to cat and let ourselves be labeled the angry, unappealing feminist when we leave the confines of our cushy smith bubble?
In a workshop in Internalized Sexism I did in the Spring, we discussed how the judgment that we, as female bodied people, feel most often swayed by is that of men. It is also possible that judgment from men can take a harsher form - a girlfriend might tell me it's not my color, but my gay male friend will give me a novel about the ways my body is and isn't working right now. Why is it our value is swayed towards men, while so little of our comfort is?
Just a little food for thought. Also, feel free to comment for a future post: a collaborative article on how to hit on ladies without making them feel the sleaze.
Over and out,
General Lee
This morning, I began my jog and about a minute in, quickly re-routed myself because construction workers were arriving (to hastily finish work on Smith houses...hopefully before the firsties arrive!). The mere threat of being catcalled before I'd even brushed my teeth was more than I was willing to handle then, so I had to change my plans to accommodate their creepiness.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying this a was a huge deal or traumatic, but it's ridiculous that I (or any woman!) should be made to feel so uncomfortable by conditioning of past experiences.
Much love,
The Sheriff
I read an interesting article on Jezebel the other day on a similar topic. http://jezebel.com/5618074/stop-hitting-on-me#ixzz0xLKRghKC
ReplyDeleteI think it's key to remember that it's really best to save hitting on people for social situations--not when they're minding their own business & not looking to interact. I think this goes for any gender (although, sadly, women have to put up with a lot more unwanted attention).
As for avoiding the sleaze, I'm always a fan of skipping the line altogether. Just introduce yourself and strike up a conversation! Or, if appropriate, ask if she wants to dance. (DON'T go for sneak-attack grinding from behind. Eww.)
I think the best way to hit on/flatter a woman would be to step in and say to the offending male(s), "Stop that! Women are equals and deserve respect! I ought to teach you a thing or two!"
ReplyDeleteAfter shaking a fist at them, the next best thing to do would be to go over and apologize to the woman for those poor representations of the male race.
Win!
One challenge I've had with hitting on women is that I feel like I need to come on stronger than I would if I were hitting on a guy because women don't typically read me as queer. I want to make sure they know what I'm getting at. But then, I don't want to be a creeper.
ReplyDeleteSeveral times I've gone for coffee or some such with a woman without knowing if it was a date or not. I guess that's not a bad way to start off; maybe hetero dating would be better if that kind of interaction were more common.
I don't think flipping the bird to a man is a good idea in any situation. You see if one man flips the bird at another man he will either want to fight of actually fight to defend his honor. But if a woman flips the bird at a man he will deffinately feel hatred for her but refrain from fighting because of the sexist norms that women are weak. So by flipping him off you just reinforce everything that the femenist movement is trying to abolish, equality.
ReplyDeletemilkdudthree, we can hold men accountable for their own behavior. If a man reacts to a woman's behavior in a sexist way, that's on him, not the woman. I don't see much of a difference between your claim that a person who flips off a creeper after being been catcalled "just reinforce[s] everything that the femenist movement is trying to abolish" and claiming that if a person gets catcalled, it's hir fault for dressing sexy in the first place. Both claims take the accountability away from the perpetrator and put it on the victim.
ReplyDeleteOut of concern for my own safety, I don't flip creepers off (except once, when the dude was in a car and I was on a bike...and that probably wasn't a good idea), but I don't fault others for going that route.