Anyway. Onto something that's been regretably on my mind all the fucking time lately: babies!
I was never subject to the baby craziness I've seen in classmates and acquaintances when I was younger. I liked kids well enough, as nearly every job I've ever had involved them, but was adamant about not wanting any little brats of my own (I even wrote it in my high school yearbook blurb: I intended to be wildly successful "and not have babies."). Frankly, I just couldn't understand why people wanted children: was it hubris, thinking their genes were fantastic enough to pass on their own brand of madness? Was it to satisfy the urge to leave something behind after one dies? Or is it just what's expected next, after graduation and meeting someone with genetic material that you don't find repulsive? I point blank asked my mama, and her only answer was, "Well, why not?" This from a woman with three unplanned pregnancies. I intended to be child-free, not childless.
And honestly, I'm not any further along into understanding the logical why people want to bring kids into this world (so expensive! The world's so over-populated! There's so much genetic misery for me to pass on!). I'm not sure there is one. But suddenly, within the last three months, I find myself wanting a baby in the worst way, almost longing for it. Don't get me wrong: I've got an Implanon in my arm, and I intend to keep it in for quite some time, as having a child anytime soon would just not work, as I have approximately -$32,000 thanks to student loans. Nonetheless, my body wants a baby in the worst way. It's frighteningly instinctual.
I always thought the "biological clock" talk was bullshit, mostly old women who were sad they'd missed out on their reproductive years or something that traditional old doctors yapped about to encourage heteronormative families and all that. But now I'm not so sure. In any case, it scares me that this urge has come up so suddenly and with such strength: there's so much I want to do with my life, and traditional gender roles remain firmly entrenched, making me worry if I could have kids and still do awesome stuff (write books, ensure world peace, write the best feminist porn you've ever seen, normal stuff) with my precious short life.
I read Get To Work...And Get a Life, Before It's Too Late by Linda Hirshman for funsies at the beginning of this semester, which is kind of elitist, but holds that well-educated women do not belong at home raising their kids, they belong out there in the workforce, making an impact and forcing more equality between the sexes in hetero-marriages. She even advocates going on "reproductive strike" and having only one child if there's any risk to your career. I don't know how much I agree with the details of what she says (again, she is incredibly elitist and continually puts down the work of women who stay-at-home, saying it could be done by anyone with no education at all, as if that's the only marker of worthwhile work), but it scares me and makes me think about how one can possibly find a balance between career and family, especially in hetero relationships where the default puts the brunt of the work on the woman and undervalues her career.
This has mostly been my babbling about personal baby-provoked anxieties, but do you have any thoughts about this? Any of you heard your biological clock ticking away more strongly all of a sudden? Any thoughts about how to be awesome and a mom?
Much love,
The Sheriff
I'm offended at the reaction I get sometimes when I tell women that I'm a stay at home mom. They act as if it's a sad thing that I choose to take care of my son myself. I still have dreams and ambitions that are important to me, but what is more important to me right NOW is doing what I think is right for my son. I'm certainly not sad about it. I was like you; in high school I told my parents not to wait up for grandkids. True, my son was unplanned, but I love him more than I ever imagined I could. I don't regret putting a career on hold to have him. And I still think I'm pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the most important thing to do when you have kids is to follow what YOU think is best for your situation. For some people, that means staying at home; for others, nannies or daycare or family members watching your kids. In any case, I still think you're awesome, and I envy the clarity with which you've made your choices.
ReplyDeleteI have at times felt guilty and unfeminist-like about my overwhelming desire to have children. Then I realised that the only way to be unfeminist-like is to do or want something because you think you should because you're a women, whether it's staying home and raising a litter or being a strict career woman. I agree that the world is overpopulated, and that some women could do much bigger and better things for the world and themselves by not having kids, and frankly, not everyone's genes need to be passed on, but personally, I've always sincerely believed that being a mother is a part of my calling in life. Whether it's hormones, my awesome relationship with my mom, deeply considered and reflected upon personal choice, or all of the above, it is something I've always wanted and something I think I will be very, very good at. Maybe this is selfish or egotistical, but I like to think that I will be able to raise my children in such a way that they will make the world a better place. And this is in large part due to my world-class liberal arts female empowering Smith education. One thing I've come to realize from all my beautiful, wonderful, diverse, empowered, and intelligent friends at Smith is that sometimes, certain aspects of heteronormatism works for some people (like me.) And, for the record, I also very much plan on saving the world, having a social life, and bringing home the vegan bacon substitute...
ReplyDeleteMy whole life (24 years and counting), children have been drawn to me. Not just as in, I was a good baby sitter, but LITERALLY drawn to me. For example, when my family would go out for dinner, I would routinely find one or two toddlers staring at me from across the room, or even waddling over to stand next to my chair. I always thought this was weird.
ReplyDeleteDuring my freshman year in college (go BU!), I related this strange phenomenon to a new male friend. I explained to him that it was particularly weird because I never felt maternal at all, and in fact I didn't even want children." He shrugged, and in the most condescending manner mumbled, "don't worry, it'll hit you." Evidently, that was annoying and I came away from the conversation even more determined to not have children.
Then, two months later, I woke up with a revelation. "Maternal instincts" or hormones, or whatever you might call them, rushed over me and I knew - I should have children, I WANT to have children.
Inexplicable, but nothing has ever been more clear to me.