Hey guys,
I did a guest post today about how I chose recovery over at Voice in Recovery. Check it out!
Much love,
The Sherif
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
revisiting old topics: how do we define slut?
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I try to ask people, particularly men, what their definition of slut is, when I can (great dinner party conversation). I find it fascinating because most people either have a fixed number in their head at which point slutdom begins (e.g., 16 partners? Just having fun. 20? OMG WHORE), or there is just some general slut-tastic vibe they get. Meatball has used the word a few times, and whenever he does I make sure to grill him about what exactly he means when he says a girl is a slut: he doesn't know, is what it comes down to. She just is, she's easy, she sleeps around (what does THAT mean?). So while slut might be a meaningless word in that it has no real definition, it can still wreak havoc on someone's self esteem to be slapped with that label, especially as it's not very difficult for verbal harassment to move into the realm of physical and sexual harassment. It's well-documented how deeply harmful this can be. And of course, it's so accepted that it almost goes without saying that one never hears the word "slut" or "whore" applied to men in a negative light.
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In the college context, I find this particularly dangerous because on many campuses, the accepted form of interaction with the opposite sex is hooking up (another word that is nigh impossible to define). While I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing across the board, it's easy to get blasted with a terrible reputation for simply indulging in one's sexual urges a little too publicly or too frequently for your campus's moral climate.
So what're we to do? I think examining one's own definitions and biases around sexually active women is a great place to start. Try dismantling other people's use of the word, or at least bringing their attention to what they're really saying and how ludicrous it is. And keep an eye out for the exploitation of it in pop culture (when I searched weheartit for images for this post using the word "slut" as my search term, the first six pictures that came up? All Miley Cyrus!), as seen in the lovely image below.
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What do you think? How do you define "slut"? Should it be a loaded word, or should we trend toward getting away from defining female morality based on their sexual activity level (ya'll know how I feel)?
Much love,
The Sheriff
Monday, January 17, 2011
workin' it out: why exercise might go hand in hand with recovery
As many of you know, yours truly went into treatment for her eating disorder, which reared its ugly head full force after a pretty decent period of quiet, about a year ago (actually, today marks the anniversary of my initial assessment. Woohoo!). I had spent much of my junior year fall semester in the gym, getting there at the crack of dawn and pushing myself too hard. Exercise wasn't my main drug of choice, so to speak, but it played into the rest of my eating disordered behaviors and was definitely not an activity I undertook with the intention to work my heart, reduce my risk of diabetes, or reduce stress: I did it to lose weight, to try to control my size, and to punish myself. To say the least, it wasn't pretty.
I also saw a painfully eating disordered woman there every morning. Aside form her emaciated body, which was admittedly a pretty clear hint that she was ill, there's just something in the eyes and face of people who have eating disorders that's instantly recognizable to me. I find myself spotting them in public places, and wondering if I show any of that anymore, or if the health and joy and recovery has crowded out the ED glaze. I avoided the gym for a long time, knowing I would see her or someone else on the treadmill for hours and that it just wasn't in line with my priorities to toss that kind of imagery in my face on the daily.
But I've recently started working out again, and it feels fantastic. Granted, it's mostly me hoisting weights around or doing cheesy workout DVDs in my room (I just can't make myself hit the actual gym), but it's done wonders for my self-esteem. I don't see any significant shifts in my size, but I feel great about my body anyway because it can do stuff. After a particularly intense yoga DVD, I reveled in the soreness of my upper arms, not out of punishment but pride that I could hold my own during that many sun salutations. My body image has similarly been pretty awesome lately. Might there be a connection?
Research says yes! Even eating disordered individuals can benefit from exercise during their recovery. And it might even be helpful in preventing the eating disorder behaviors from arising in the first place in particularly at risk individuals. Which is pretty fuckin' cool, if you think about it: build a positive, healthy habit in young girls (and boys!) that helps them deal with stress and enhances their body image and physical health and you just might help them avoid developing a crippling mental illness. Research shows being active improves body image regardless of physical changes, meaning it wouldn't necessarily have to be associated with bigger muscles or a smaller waist to prompt a healthier self image.
Of course, I think this needs some more work before it's an accepted practice. By no means should a bulimic with low eloctrolytes or an emaciated individual be put on any serious sort of fat-burning regimen, but gentle yoga and walking would absolutely be beneficial additions to many residental treatment programs (and even outpatient ones!). And for someone still on the recovery path, I find it heartening that science is backing up what I'm discovering on my own.
What's your relationship to exercise? Healthy, troubled, non-existent?
Much love,
The Sheriff
I also saw a painfully eating disordered woman there every morning. Aside form her emaciated body, which was admittedly a pretty clear hint that she was ill, there's just something in the eyes and face of people who have eating disorders that's instantly recognizable to me. I find myself spotting them in public places, and wondering if I show any of that anymore, or if the health and joy and recovery has crowded out the ED glaze. I avoided the gym for a long time, knowing I would see her or someone else on the treadmill for hours and that it just wasn't in line with my priorities to toss that kind of imagery in my face on the daily.
But I've recently started working out again, and it feels fantastic. Granted, it's mostly me hoisting weights around or doing cheesy workout DVDs in my room (I just can't make myself hit the actual gym), but it's done wonders for my self-esteem. I don't see any significant shifts in my size, but I feel great about my body anyway because it can do stuff. After a particularly intense yoga DVD, I reveled in the soreness of my upper arms, not out of punishment but pride that I could hold my own during that many sun salutations. My body image has similarly been pretty awesome lately. Might there be a connection?
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| yay! |
Of course, I think this needs some more work before it's an accepted practice. By no means should a bulimic with low eloctrolytes or an emaciated individual be put on any serious sort of fat-burning regimen, but gentle yoga and walking would absolutely be beneficial additions to many residental treatment programs (and even outpatient ones!). And for someone still on the recovery path, I find it heartening that science is backing up what I'm discovering on my own.
What's your relationship to exercise? Healthy, troubled, non-existent?
Much love,
The Sheriff
Saturday, January 15, 2011
i'm curious...
What do YOU want to see more of here on FF?
More guest posts (leave a comment with your email if you'd like to do one!)? More body image/sex/feminism/queer stuff/something else? Less profanity (unlikely, but I could think about it)?
Give us some feedback!
Much love,
The Sheriff
More guest posts (leave a comment with your email if you'd like to do one!)? More body image/sex/feminism/queer stuff/something else? Less profanity (unlikely, but I could think about it)?
Give us some feedback!
Much love,
The Sheriff
Friday, January 14, 2011
it's friday...
...and you know what that means! I've got a ton of weekend reading for ya'll.
If you're from around the Pioneer Valley, the Advocate is now doing its voting for Best of the Valley. You have to vote for ten categories (out of 184) for your ballet to count. Vote for Oh My! for best adult shop (cuz they are) and vote for FF for best blog, if you're so inclined. :)
You've perhaps heard about Isabel Caro's death (former model, died due to complications of anorexia). She posed in an ad campaign entitled "No Anorexia" intended to bring awareness to the disease, both in and out of the modeling realm. Here's some of the debate about those ads (WARNING: Potential to be VERY triggering, and NSFW).
Long distance can work, according to the NYT.
People should talk to each other more. And really talk.
Guess what your brain loves just as much as sex? Music!
Speaking of music, I love me some Kanye, but his Monster music video is horrifying in its glamorization of dead women. Read more here, maybe sign the petition?
BeautySchooled's talking about scales this week. Do you hop on daily, weekly, never? Is it angsty or matter of fact?
If you are goal oriented like my super-Aries self, you've probably heard of 43 Things already. It's pretty fantastic, and I was looking at some of the goals on the bottom. A few (underlined in black) made me sad. But one (underlined in yellow) made me very happy (also please ignore how the image spills over the edge...I tried to fix it, I swear!).
What Google knows about men and women, gleaned from 200 years worth of books. Interesting...
Personally, I like the tote...
Are women leaving men behind? I like her point that men just need to be wise to the fact that gender roles are fluid these days, and ya'll better realize that so you can catch up. But the comments are DISGUSTING. I hate the effect of anonymity on the interwebz.
I've probably posted this before, but you know what? I don't care because it is always SO GOOD: 100 Ways You Can Start Loving Yourself Right Now.
Body Image in the Bedroom. Wish I'd written this!
"When we look at what the factors are that make life so miserable for young gays and lesbians, it’s tempting for progressives to point the finger at religious traditions that are hostile to sexual pluralism. But the young men in American high schools who are beating up other boys whom they suspect of being gay are rarely doing so in order to comply with a misunderstood dictate from the Torah or the Pauline epistles. It’s not faith that drives the hate as much as it is an overwhelming desire to establish masculine bona fides. “I torment faggots, therefore I can’t be one; I beat up queers, therefore I’m a man.” That toxic equation may be aided and abetted by conservative religion, but it isn’t rooted in it. Rather, the hateful behavior is rooted in the rigid rules of American masculinity, a masculinity predicated on a contempt for and a paranoia about even the slightest whiff of femininity among the be-penised." (read the full thing here)
Sex is not the enemy! Authentic people and their bodies and their sex and their love. I adore how happy everyone looks (so so so not safe for work)!
Much love,
The Sheriff
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| vintage photo of Smithies in the snow! (No idea where I found this, will try to track down source) |
If you're from around the Pioneer Valley, the Advocate is now doing its voting for Best of the Valley. You have to vote for ten categories (out of 184) for your ballet to count. Vote for Oh My! for best adult shop (cuz they are) and vote for FF for best blog, if you're so inclined. :)
You've perhaps heard about Isabel Caro's death (former model, died due to complications of anorexia). She posed in an ad campaign entitled "No Anorexia" intended to bring awareness to the disease, both in and out of the modeling realm. Here's some of the debate about those ads (WARNING: Potential to be VERY triggering, and NSFW).
Long distance can work, according to the NYT.
People should talk to each other more. And really talk.
Guess what your brain loves just as much as sex? Music!
Speaking of music, I love me some Kanye, but his Monster music video is horrifying in its glamorization of dead women. Read more here, maybe sign the petition?
BeautySchooled's talking about scales this week. Do you hop on daily, weekly, never? Is it angsty or matter of fact?
If you are goal oriented like my super-Aries self, you've probably heard of 43 Things already. It's pretty fantastic, and I was looking at some of the goals on the bottom. A few (underlined in black) made me sad. But one (underlined in yellow) made me very happy (also please ignore how the image spills over the edge...I tried to fix it, I swear!).
What Google knows about men and women, gleaned from 200 years worth of books. Interesting...
Personally, I like the tote...
Are women leaving men behind? I like her point that men just need to be wise to the fact that gender roles are fluid these days, and ya'll better realize that so you can catch up. But the comments are DISGUSTING. I hate the effect of anonymity on the interwebz.
I've probably posted this before, but you know what? I don't care because it is always SO GOOD: 100 Ways You Can Start Loving Yourself Right Now.
Body Image in the Bedroom. Wish I'd written this!
"When we look at what the factors are that make life so miserable for young gays and lesbians, it’s tempting for progressives to point the finger at religious traditions that are hostile to sexual pluralism. But the young men in American high schools who are beating up other boys whom they suspect of being gay are rarely doing so in order to comply with a misunderstood dictate from the Torah or the Pauline epistles. It’s not faith that drives the hate as much as it is an overwhelming desire to establish masculine bona fides. “I torment faggots, therefore I can’t be one; I beat up queers, therefore I’m a man.” That toxic equation may be aided and abetted by conservative religion, but it isn’t rooted in it. Rather, the hateful behavior is rooted in the rigid rules of American masculinity, a masculinity predicated on a contempt for and a paranoia about even the slightest whiff of femininity among the be-penised." (read the full thing here)
Sex is not the enemy! Authentic people and their bodies and their sex and their love. I adore how happy everyone looks (so so so not safe for work)!
Much love,
The Sheriff
Thursday, January 13, 2011
sex/porn/power
I don't know how exactly, but last Friday I stumbled upon this article. And I was so angry at the whole thing that it took me the weekend and then some to process it enough to write something intelligible. Her basic premise is that the rise in hardcore pornography (some of which is truly wretched and demeaning to women) reveals so-called "eternal truths" about men and women in regards to their views of sex and how they treat the opposite gender. In particular, the following passage pissed me off:
Men, so the conventional wisdom goes, tend to desire more than women are willing to give them sexually. The granting of sex is the most powerful weapon women possess in their struggle with men. Yet in each new sexual negotiation a woman has with a man, she not only spends down that capital, she begins at a disadvantage, because the potential losses are always greater for her.
...WTF.
While I agree that biology makes for greater "potential losses" for women (you can't run away from an unwanted pregnancy if you're the one with the uterus), almost everything else she says in this particular passage is crap. The most powerful tool we have is the granting of sex? Not our minds, not our wit, not even our bodies in a general sense...nope, just the fact that we are the gatekeepers. Add to that the fact that with each new sexual encounter, you "spend down that capital." The capital of what, exactly? My bargaining power of withholding vagina? What if I don't want to? Doesn't that put me in an even more disadvantaged position, if I'm not even getting what I want (it might not be double anal, as she repeatedly discusses, but can't I want sex too)?
What I hate about this piece is that she makes broad, sweeping generalizations about men and women based on the rise of porn (and while I do agree that the mainstreamed aspects of porn have changed some of our ideas about sex/sexuality, this lady just goes too far). She says, "A warring dynamic based on power and subjugation has always existed between men and women, and the egalitarian view of sex, with its utopian pretensions, offers little insight into the typical male psyche." War? Really? Sex (and I mean sex, consensual healthy sex, not rape or assault or anything undesired by one party) is not war.
She admits that porn gives only a partial view into the male psyche, but does it really even do that? Or does it just give a view into the fringe that has always been there, and now at least has a more healthy outlet for their (sometimes unsavory/exploitative) desires? She goes on to say that "removing pornography won’t alter the unlovely aspects of male sexuality that porn depicts and legitimizes. The history of civilization would seem to show that there’s no hope of eradicating those qualities; they can only be contained—and checked—by strenuously enforced norms." Can we please give men a little credit here? The vast majority of them are not brutes, trained merely to defile and debase the women they come across. Similarly, the vast majority of women are not helpless dames who have no interest in sex. Maybe if our culture approached sex with a healthier attitude and helped teens make informed decisions about it and to learn how to clearly identify and verbalize their boundaries to their partner(s), we wouldn't imagine it to be this game, this volleying back and forth and negotiating process that leaves one party invariably at a loss in the cultural narrative.
I don't know, I'm mostly just frustrated with what she says. What do you guys think? Does porn and its "legitimization" by the mainstream put women in a real disadvantage in normal, consensual sexual experiences? Are men just total vikings, ready to pillage at a moment's notice?
Much love,
The Sheriff
Men, so the conventional wisdom goes, tend to desire more than women are willing to give them sexually. The granting of sex is the most powerful weapon women possess in their struggle with men. Yet in each new sexual negotiation a woman has with a man, she not only spends down that capital, she begins at a disadvantage, because the potential losses are always greater for her.
...WTF.
While I agree that biology makes for greater "potential losses" for women (you can't run away from an unwanted pregnancy if you're the one with the uterus), almost everything else she says in this particular passage is crap. The most powerful tool we have is the granting of sex? Not our minds, not our wit, not even our bodies in a general sense...nope, just the fact that we are the gatekeepers. Add to that the fact that with each new sexual encounter, you "spend down that capital." The capital of what, exactly? My bargaining power of withholding vagina? What if I don't want to? Doesn't that put me in an even more disadvantaged position, if I'm not even getting what I want (it might not be double anal, as she repeatedly discusses, but can't I want sex too)?
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| source |
What I hate about this piece is that she makes broad, sweeping generalizations about men and women based on the rise of porn (and while I do agree that the mainstreamed aspects of porn have changed some of our ideas about sex/sexuality, this lady just goes too far). She says, "A warring dynamic based on power and subjugation has always existed between men and women, and the egalitarian view of sex, with its utopian pretensions, offers little insight into the typical male psyche." War? Really? Sex (and I mean sex, consensual healthy sex, not rape or assault or anything undesired by one party) is not war.
She admits that porn gives only a partial view into the male psyche, but does it really even do that? Or does it just give a view into the fringe that has always been there, and now at least has a more healthy outlet for their (sometimes unsavory/exploitative) desires? She goes on to say that "removing pornography won’t alter the unlovely aspects of male sexuality that porn depicts and legitimizes. The history of civilization would seem to show that there’s no hope of eradicating those qualities; they can only be contained—and checked—by strenuously enforced norms." Can we please give men a little credit here? The vast majority of them are not brutes, trained merely to defile and debase the women they come across. Similarly, the vast majority of women are not helpless dames who have no interest in sex. Maybe if our culture approached sex with a healthier attitude and helped teens make informed decisions about it and to learn how to clearly identify and verbalize their boundaries to their partner(s), we wouldn't imagine it to be this game, this volleying back and forth and negotiating process that leaves one party invariably at a loss in the cultural narrative.
I don't know, I'm mostly just frustrated with what she says. What do you guys think? Does porn and its "legitimization" by the mainstream put women in a real disadvantage in normal, consensual sexual experiences? Are men just total vikings, ready to pillage at a moment's notice?
Much love,
The Sheriff
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
the strange power of the victoria's secret swimsuit catalog
Bra shopping is second only to jeans shopping in its ability to make you feel terrible about your body and convinced that you must be deformed to fit so badly into mass-manufactured clothes...which is why I order almost all of my bras online, from Victoria's Secret. Yes, I know they use sweatshops and abuse photoshop (BADLY OMG) and their PINK line is sometimes just damn ugly (though comfy), but I can rely on most of their bras to fit me pretty well and I can try them on in the comfort of my own room, instead of in a dressing room, being hounded by the overly helpful attendant. All this to say: I get an absurd amount of VS catalogs in my wee college mailbox.
And on Monday, their first swimsuit catalogue for the summer of 2011 arrived. Cue the temporarily plummeting of my self-esteem.
Even with the knowledge that these photos are ridiculously photoshopped (see above link, people), even knowing full well that these women are paid to look good and that's all (whereas I am paid to do things!), even given my personal battles with body image and knowing that by now I've fully earned the right to not give a damn what I look like in a bikini...the VS swimsuit catalog holds this strange power over me.
I find myself scrutinizing the pictures, practically drooling over their abs, then turning to the mirror and wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong that I don't have that kind of definition, why I don't hit the gym harder, why I'm so fucking short, why I'm not that tan, why my stretch marks show, why why why.
To answer that, I turn to a silly forward email from one of my aunts (one of those forwards that references events that probably never happened, but I like the sentiment):
Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:
THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore, they do not have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
By no means do I consider myself (at least when I am being rational, and after I have put down the VS catalog) a whale or even overweight. I am pretty goddamn normal, and honestly, that's fantastic. I've got great boobs, a nice butt, thick thighs, fantastic hair, and (most importantly) a brain that is something not to be fucked with underneath that hair. A brain that allows me to reflect on all the things my body and heart and soul can do that have jack shit to do with how I look in a bikini. A brain that allows me to note that looking good in a bikini does not mean looking like Alessanda Ambrosio, it means looking healthy and happy and happy with yourself. A brain that recognizes that I never could look like Alessandra anyway, unless I grew half a foot and became Brazilian. A brain that reminds me I can construct my own beauty ideals. Sometimes. When I remove the bad influences and step away from the images of photoshopped models. Which we should probably all do.
Do you have anything that, despite its ridiculous nature, wrecks your confidence? How do you combat it?
Much love,
The Sheriff
PS-FF is cross-posted today on Beauty Schooled, which is a fantastic blog about the beauty industry and the price we pay for the products we use (both literally and in terms of the chemicals in them, the effects of ads, etc.). You should check it out!
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| how are you reallll? |
Even with the knowledge that these photos are ridiculously photoshopped (see above link, people), even knowing full well that these women are paid to look good and that's all (whereas I am paid to do things!), even given my personal battles with body image and knowing that by now I've fully earned the right to not give a damn what I look like in a bikini...the VS swimsuit catalog holds this strange power over me.
I find myself scrutinizing the pictures, practically drooling over their abs, then turning to the mirror and wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong that I don't have that kind of definition, why I don't hit the gym harder, why I'm so fucking short, why I'm not that tan, why my stretch marks show, why why why.
To answer that, I turn to a silly forward email from one of my aunts (one of those forwards that references events that probably never happened, but I like the sentiment):
Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:
THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern:
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore, they do not have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.
By no means do I consider myself (at least when I am being rational, and after I have put down the VS catalog) a whale or even overweight. I am pretty goddamn normal, and honestly, that's fantastic. I've got great boobs, a nice butt, thick thighs, fantastic hair, and (most importantly) a brain that is something not to be fucked with underneath that hair. A brain that allows me to reflect on all the things my body and heart and soul can do that have jack shit to do with how I look in a bikini. A brain that allows me to note that looking good in a bikini does not mean looking like Alessanda Ambrosio, it means looking healthy and happy and happy with yourself. A brain that recognizes that I never could look like Alessandra anyway, unless I grew half a foot and became Brazilian. A brain that reminds me I can construct my own beauty ideals. Sometimes. When I remove the bad influences and step away from the images of photoshopped models. Which we should probably all do.
Do you have anything that, despite its ridiculous nature, wrecks your confidence? How do you combat it?
Much love,
The Sheriff
PS-FF is cross-posted today on Beauty Schooled, which is a fantastic blog about the beauty industry and the price we pay for the products we use (both literally and in terms of the chemicals in them, the effects of ads, etc.). You should check it out!
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