men who want to wait: double standard?

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I'm sorry my titles suck so much lately. At the beginning, a lot of them were funny and witty (I thought so anyway!), and now I just find myself going, "Well, it's about men who want to wait and double standards soo....BOOM, title." If you have a better suggestion, please leave it in the comments! I'll take anything. F'real. Onto the post!

A few days ago, some friends and I were talking about how our mutual pal is lucky to have found a guy who is patient and happy to wait for her comfort level with sexual activity to increase. He's not pushy and seems to really like and care for her, waiting several months (so far) to Do It.

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Then I reversed the scenario: could I wait several months for The Sex with a male partner? Between the three of us, we all conceded that we couldn't (or, more accurately, wouldn't) wait that long. We laughed about how much we just plain love penetration, and on a more legit note, I consider sex to be an extremely important part of my romantic relationships (shocking, ain't it?). But I began to think about this, and realized if I were a man making that kind of statement about a female partner (give it up in a month, or I'm bouncing), I'd be kinda a serious douchebag (side note: I've already realized if I were a man, I'd probably be a dick and act like the guys on Jersey Shore. Except I'm not Italian).

For females, I consider the right to say a loud enthusiastic "YES" or a strong and simple "NO" to every sexual encounter to be extremely empowering and a basic right, and I have had no trouble respecting sexual limits with women. Men are, of course, are endowed with that same right to say no. But is it a double standard that I would not be willing to wait for or be patient with a male partner in the same way that I would with a female? I think it is. I think it also indicates some cultural conditioning that sex is just "not a big deal" for men in the way that it can be for some women, and that on some level I've bought into the cultural myth that men want pussy always and forever, and that their desire to wait is somehow strange or less legitimate than a woman's. Regardless, everyone should have the right to state and stick to their limits without any sway or pressure, and I need to be a leeeeetle more conscious of the way I perceive male sexuality.

Whatcha think? Am I just a dick or is this something you've found yourself thinking too?

Much love,
The Sheriff

mo' friday links

This blog (scroll to the bottom of the page) has lots of links for self-love. Always a good way to start the weekend!

On Nudity by Mary Louise Parker. Good stuff!

I'm grateful for my eating disorder.

What are college students actually learning? This is a really interesting look into the (not so much) rigor of our colleges. All I gotta say is, they clearly weren't looking at Smithies: even my "easy" classes have had more then 40 pages of reading per week and well over 20 written pages per semester. 

Have you seen Toddlers and Tiaras? It's horrifying. Hence why I love this open letter to cancel it!

Why are Japanese teens/married couples losing interest in sex?

I love RBG. 

How feminism and Betty Friedan's work were good for the institution of marriage.

Fired for being trans in an educational setting.

How to love yourself now. 

Here's a list of amazing groups and resources dedicated to empowering girls and teens (perhaps some eventual employers of the Sheriff?). Seriously awesome stuff!

OMG SO EFFING CUTE!

If you love your partner but don't see a future, is there a point? 

Aside from the fact that they just look amazing and I want one, I think it's really cool that this Etsy seller takes exotic dancer shoes and uses them as planters as a sort of commentary on beauty.

This year's Miss America (who is a BABY at just 17 years old!) plans to focus on eating disorder prevention and eradication. I'm curious to see her action plan in a more concrete form, but yay awareness!

Beauty Schooled tackles feminism and weight loss resolutions.

The darker side of the Peace Corps (and perhaps all international work): gang rapes and calls for help by female participants go ignored. Sad, but good reading.

Much love,
The Sheriff

guest post!

Hey guys,
I did a guest post today about how I chose recovery over at Voice in Recovery. Check it out!
Much love,
The Sherif

revisiting old topics: how do we define slut?

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The very first real post on this blog was my musings on what marks the difference between an empowered woman, in charge of her sexuality (which is what we Albright Sex Fairies clearly fancy ourselves to be) and a slut. While I've gotten my judgmental attitude decidedly more in check then, I still ponder this question from time to time. I've decided to no longer use the word "slut" (or any of its derivatives) at all, period, but this word clearly holds an enormous meaning to most people and it's worth exploring.

I try to ask people, particularly men, what their definition of slut is, when I can (great dinner party conversation). I find it fascinating because most people either have a fixed number in their head at which point slutdom begins (e.g., 16 partners? Just having fun. 20? OMG WHORE), or there is just some general slut-tastic vibe they get. Meatball has used the word a few times, and whenever he does I make sure to grill him about what exactly he means when he says a girl is a slut: he doesn't know, is what it comes down to. She just is, she's easy, she sleeps around (what does THAT mean?). So while slut might be a meaningless word in that it has no real definition, it can still wreak havoc on someone's self esteem to be slapped with that label, especially as it's not very difficult for verbal harassment to move into the realm of physical and sexual harassment.  It's well-documented how deeply harmful this can be. And of course, it's so accepted that it almost goes without saying that one never hears the word "slut" or "whore" applied to men in a negative light. 

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In the college context, I find this particularly dangerous because on many campuses, the accepted form of interaction with the opposite sex is hooking up (another word that is nigh impossible to define). While I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing across the board, it's easy to get blasted with a terrible reputation for simply indulging in one's sexual urges a little too publicly or too frequently for your campus's moral climate.

So what're we to do? I think examining one's own definitions and biases around sexually active women is a great place to start. Try dismantling other people's use of the word, or at least bringing their attention to what they're really saying and how ludicrous it is. And keep an eye out for the exploitation of it in pop culture (when I searched weheartit for images for this post using the word "slut" as my search term, the first six pictures that came up? All Miley Cyrus!), as seen in the lovely image below.

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What do you think? How do you define "slut"? Should it be a loaded word, or should we trend toward getting away from defining female morality based on their sexual activity level (ya'll know how I feel)?

Much love,
The Sheriff

workin' it out: why exercise might go hand in hand with recovery

As many of you know, yours truly went into treatment for her eating disorder, which reared its ugly head full force after a pretty decent period of quiet, about a year ago (actually, today marks the anniversary of my initial assessment. Woohoo!). I had spent much of my junior year fall semester in the gym, getting there at the crack of dawn and pushing myself too hard. Exercise wasn't my main drug of choice, so to speak, but it played into the rest of my eating disordered behaviors and was definitely not an activity I undertook with the intention to work my heart, reduce my risk of diabetes, or reduce stress: I did it to lose weight, to try to control my size, and to punish myself. To say the least, it wasn't pretty.

I also saw a painfully eating disordered woman there every morning. Aside form her emaciated body, which was admittedly a pretty clear hint that she was ill, there's just something in the eyes and face of people who have eating disorders that's instantly recognizable to me. I find myself spotting them in public places, and wondering if I show any of that anymore, or if the health and joy and recovery has crowded out the ED glaze. I avoided the gym for a long time, knowing I would see her or someone else on the treadmill for hours and that it just wasn't in line with my priorities to toss that kind of imagery in my face on the daily.

But I've recently started working out again, and it feels fantastic. Granted, it's mostly me hoisting weights around or doing cheesy workout DVDs in my room (I just can't make myself hit the actual gym), but it's done wonders for my self-esteem. I don't see any significant shifts in my size, but I feel great about my body anyway because it can do stuff. After a particularly intense yoga DVD, I reveled in the soreness of my upper arms, not out of punishment but pride that I could hold my own during that many sun salutations. My body image has similarly been pretty awesome lately. Might there be a connection?

yay!

Research says yes! Even eating disordered individuals can benefit from exercise during their recovery. And it might even be helpful in preventing the eating disorder behaviors from arising in the first place in particularly at risk individuals. Which is pretty fuckin' cool, if you think about it: build a positive, healthy habit in young girls (and boys!) that helps them deal with stress and enhances their body image and physical health and you just might help them avoid developing a crippling mental illness. Research shows being active improves body image regardless of physical changes, meaning it wouldn't necessarily have to be associated with bigger muscles or a smaller waist to prompt a healthier self image.

Of course, I think this needs some more work before it's an accepted practice. By no means should a bulimic with low eloctrolytes or an emaciated individual be put on any serious sort of fat-burning regimen, but gentle yoga and walking would absolutely be beneficial additions to many residental treatment programs (and even outpatient ones!). And for someone still on the recovery path, I find it heartening that science is backing up what I'm discovering on my own.

What's your relationship to exercise? Healthy, troubled, non-existent?

Much love,
The Sheriff

i'm curious...

What do YOU want to see more of here on FF?
More guest posts (leave a comment with your email if you'd like to do one!)? More body image/sex/feminism/queer stuff/something else? Less profanity (unlikely, but I could think about it)?

Give us some feedback!

Much love,
The Sheriff

it's friday...

...and you know what that means! I've got a ton of weekend reading for ya'll.

vintage photo of Smithies in the snow! (No idea where I found this, will try to track down source)

If you're from around the Pioneer Valley, the Advocate is now doing its voting for Best of the Valley. You have to vote for ten categories (out of 184) for your ballet to count. Vote for Oh My! for best adult shop (cuz they are) and vote for FF for best blog, if you're so inclined. :)

You've perhaps heard about Isabel Caro's death (former model, died due to complications of anorexia). She posed in an ad campaign entitled "No Anorexia" intended to bring awareness to the disease, both in and out of the modeling realm. Here's some of the debate about those ads (WARNING: Potential to be VERY triggering, and NSFW).  

Long distance can work, according to the NYT. 

People should talk to each other more. And really talk.

Guess what your brain loves just as much as sex? Music!

Speaking of music, I love me some Kanye, but his Monster music video is horrifying in its glamorization of dead women. Read more here, maybe sign the petition?

BeautySchooled's talking about scales this week. Do you hop on daily, weekly, never? Is it angsty or matter of fact?

If you are goal oriented like my super-Aries self, you've probably heard of 43 Things already. It's pretty fantastic, and I was looking at some of the goals on the bottom. A few (underlined in black) made me sad. But one (underlined in yellow) made me very happy (also please ignore how the image spills over the edge...I tried to fix it, I swear!).

What Google knows about men and women, gleaned from 200 years worth of books. Interesting...

Personally, I like the tote...

Are women leaving men behind? I like her point that men just need to be wise to the fact that gender roles are fluid these days, and ya'll better realize that so you can catch up. But the comments are DISGUSTING. I hate the effect of anonymity on the interwebz.

I've probably posted this before, but you know what? I don't care because it is always SO GOOD: 100 Ways You Can Start Loving Yourself Right Now.

Body Image in the Bedroom. Wish I'd written this!

"When we look at what the factors are that make life so miserable for young gays and lesbians, it’s tempting for progressives to point the finger at religious traditions that are hostile to sexual pluralism. But the young men in American high schools who are beating up other boys whom they suspect of being gay are rarely doing so in order to comply with a misunderstood dictate from the Torah or the Pauline epistles. It’s not faith that drives the hate as much as it is an overwhelming desire to establish masculine bona fides. “I torment faggots, therefore I can’t be one; I beat up queers, therefore I’m a man.” That toxic equation may be aided and abetted by conservative religion, but it isn’t rooted in it. Rather, the hateful behavior is rooted in the rigid rules of American masculinity, a masculinity predicated on a contempt for and a paranoia about even the slightest whiff of femininity among the be-penised." (read the full thing here)

Sex is not the enemy! Authentic people and their bodies and their sex and their love. I adore how happy everyone looks (so so so not safe for work)!

Much love,
The Sheriff