undefined relationships: evidently not just a college thang

The cliched Facebook status of "It's Complicated" is almost too silly to be taken seriously...but on a personal level, that's kinda where I'm at. Entering into the Real World, with a long-distance relationship has prompted Meatball and I into talks of what we are/should be in this new phase of our lives, leaving us on a break, yet not broken up. Huh? Right. There's a shit ton of doubts and fears aroused by this undefined status, that's for damn sure.

Undefined relationships are a college staple, probably because people rely so much on hookups as a means of getting acquainted and are often reluctant to given up their freedoms at such a young age and time when the expectation and college kid stereotype is that you'll probably get busy with lots of different folks on the regular (or at least want to).

But the cap and gown clearly don't change much since at least for me, this title is continuing to persist into the Real World. And it does indeed complicate things to step into an undefined space: how much can you expect of someone without a title? Will you call them to cry if your period is late, or keep it to just your friends? Can you demand emotional support, or is it limited to just fun times and making you moan? Are they the only one who will make you moan, or is it more open (USE BARRIER METHODS NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE)? It's enough to send ya crawling back to defined, safe monogamy.

But that's precisely why open and honest communication is so important to having successful relationship of any kind, but especially with an undefined bedroom buddy. Even if it's uncomfortable, hashing out the above questions can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. And having that stuff sussed out is a win-win because then you can relax and enjoy the moaning without questioning what it means, how often you can text the before it's clingy, and whether or not you should buy them a birthday present.

Call me a control freak, but I think defining the undefined at least a little bit makes it more enjoyable!

But what say you? Ever had one of these "what are we?" scenarios?

Much love,
The Sheriff

links

Slutwalking rooted in riotgrrrl 'tude. LOVE this article.

Porn star selling a book...nothing new, right? Except for the pube included. TWIST!
Dear 16 year old me: use some damn sunscreen.

The COO of Facebook had some fantastic words for the graduates of Barnard in her commencement speech. Awesome stuff.

Barnes and Noble censor image of androgynous model to avoid gender confusion--BOO.

Shouldn't yoga be for every body? Seriously.

Aaaaand a cat video. Enjoy.

Much love,

The Sheriff

graduation: some reflections

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 Yesterday, Sunday the 15th marked the class of 2011's exit from Smith College. Like most graduates, I've got some seriously mixed feelings about this whole college-is-over-forever-GTFO business. I bawled at least once a day for most of senior week leading up to it for a variety of reasons, ranging from sadness to excitement to just being too tipsy. But mostly it's been a sense of pride.

I'm the first in my family to go to college, and you bet your ass that's a huge deal. My mama cried on the phone every time we talked about my graduating for months before the day itself, blubbering over and over how proud she was of me for making it. The fact that I spent many nights and weekends working three part-time jobs to pay my tuition only adds to that immense pride.

But it's also a pride of being part of such an incredible community of people. Yes, there have definitely been times over the last four years where I have gazed at the hipsters smoking and crowding the doorsteps of academic buildings, or when I have sighed at yet another awkward party with bad music, or when I've gone several nights in a row on meager sleep when I resented Smith, couldn't wait to not write another paper, was psyched to live somewhere with real nightlife. I can't count how many days and nights I cursed the awful (and I mean fuckin AWFUL) New England weather.

And yet.

Smith has been an amazing place to spend four years. It's taught me to accept criticism, to challenge myself, to work harder than I ever imagined for myself instead of the approval of others. I've learned to be more eloquent in my speech and mannerisms, but also to accept and be confident in my less-than-academic expressions and use of profanity. I beat my eating disorder here. I started this here lil ol' blog. I made Dean's List four years (okay, I'ma brag a little. Get over it). I learned to be compassionate and really listen to others, even when they were drunk and I held their hair or their hand while they cried.

And that's just me! Imagine what the other 600 or so members of the class of 2011 have been up to, and all that we've got yet to do. I am so impressed by my classmates, every single day, and am honestly honored to be part of such a group. It's cheesy and cliche, but we really are just on the doorsteps of the rest of our lives and our potential, and I can't wait to see what doors Smith unlocks for all of us. Sure, the first few years might be mediocre jobs before we find our promised lives of distinction, but we'll get there. The Sheriff, for one, is damn sure of it.

Congratulations to graduates everywhere! Pop a bottle for me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

When given the choice between fame and glory, take glory. Glory has a way of sneaking up on fame and stealing its lunch money later anyway. Life might very well be long, keep your eye on the horizon and live in a way that you will be proud of. You will sleep more. You'll be a better partner. You'll be a better mom. You'll be a better friend. You'll be a better boss, and you will not have to remember any complicated lies to brag about at the old age home because you can brag about the truth of your well-lived life. --Rachel Maddow, Smith College Commencement 2010

friday links

I had a nice lovely list of links for ya'll this weekend...but Blogger ate it!

So here's the short batch that I scrounged up.

Is semen really an antidepressant?

For all my soon-to-be-grads: how to become a grown-up. GULP.

A workout that can truly build better body image? Hell yeah.

Why I hate my giant penis. Funny and well-written!

Much love,
The Sheriff

body commentary

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Today's post isn't about cat-calling (I've written about that quite a bit, but good Lord, they constantly come up with new disgusting outrageous shit to yell out their cars), but a different sort of bodily-attention that's been on my radar lately.

If you're any extreme of the spectrum (short/tall/large of boob/pale/insert adjective here), you've probably had someone come up to you in almost disbelief and exclaim "Wow! You're really tall (or short or whatever)," a phrase I can admit to exclaiming. But it gets a little more personal when it's something like "Look at you, so perky!" as an elderly lady said to me last week in the locker room while I was changing. I didn't know her, we weren't talking, but she found it perfectly appropriate to make commentary on my body. I and many large-chested friends have had many folks tell us "Your boobs are big!" as if this is supposed to be a revelation. Wait, really? They're large? THAT'S why my sports bras are so uncomfortable and I can't wear strapless dresses without looking trashy-trash. Thank god you were here to relate that to me! I'm free at last.

But sometimes, these words are intended to be complimentary. Despite my vulnerable position of being butt-ass naked, the elderly lady meant no harm and posed no threat to me in her words: surely she meant them to be nice and maybe I even reminded her of her once perky self too. Still and all, she had no right to comment like that on my naked body, pleasantly or no. The Albright Sex Fairies are well-known for our lavish compliments to each other where we gush about how lovely/gorgeous/sexy we are for our various physical attributes.

But does this kind of commentary just encourage envy and jealousy? Is it just harmless, if occasionally stupid and uncomfortable to hear? I think it's a careful line to walk, especially because the glow from a good compliment can last for days. However, it also reinforces the idea that external validation from friends, family, and strangers is more important than how you feel about your body, mind, and soul, and I don't like that.

What say you?

Much love,
The Sheriff

little girls and body image: maybe not as bleak as it seems

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There's a lot of panic (much of it well-deserved) about little girls and body image. How affected are they by images of celebrities photoshopped, perfected, scrutinized bodies? What about all of the princess-obsession and merchandise from Disney? How about the ever-early over-sexualization of young girl's bodies? All plenty of fodder for a bleak outlook on the future for these girls, and as someone with a six-year-old niece, it worries me sometimes.

But occasionally, there's a little sign of hope, that maybe all these girls will turn out okay (hey, and maybe even like their bodies along the way!) anyway.

Yesterday, I went to Six Flags (for ten bucks! Hell yeah!) as part of a Smith senior week trip. Like the little kids we are at heart, the Librarian, Lady Lola and I went on the superhero themed swings after a string of roller coasters. A girl of about six or seven was sitting in front of us, and the Librarian told her how nice her pink cape looked and we chatted for a bit about it. Quite the gregarious cute little kid.

I turned to L and L and noted that it seemed kinda ridiculous for the Batgirl painting on the swings to have a four-pack AND huge boobs and we all agreed that it was absurd, talking about the evolution of both male and female comic book characters into these incredibly ripped freaks instead of the moderately in shape individuals they started as in the 20s and 30s.

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The little girl turned to me and said, "I didn't know girls had abs." I froze for a second. This is a teaching moment! I need to say the right thing or I could fuck up this kid with one errant comment! I said that some girls do, some girls don't, and that you don't need to have them. She nodded, paused for a moment, and said, "Yeah, I think they're weird." SIGH of relief from the Sheriff, and I said I thought they looked odd on Batgirl too (calmly, even though I wanted to give her a hug).


Despite giving me a mini-panic attack, this conversation made me assured of quite a few things. Number one, little girls definitely notice the images around them and the things that older women seem concerned with. Number two, they also have their own thoughts and perceptions, even from an early age, and when those thoughts and perceptions and ideas diverge from the beauty norm, we should gently encourage them, without being overwhelming (and hanging children we don't know).

Do you have any little girls in your life you worry about? When do you first recall being aware of beauty expectations?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Guess which college is one of the most economically diverse? Yup, it's Smith!

I want to be Dr. Ruth: ride your partner! 

This infographic about size differences across different size 8s is crazy. Solid proof that this crap is bogus.

More of size-related drama in this NYT article.

A divisive issue in college: Are you a Mac or PC person? Based on description, I'd be Mac but I'm too cheap to really buy one.

Women surpass men in advanced degrees! YAY achievement!

One week's worth of food according to various cultures. Makes me feel incredibly blessed.

Much love,
 The Sheriff