friday links

A gender-diverse parenting primer.

Restrictions on abortion multiply this year...

And so do violent crimes against LGBT individuals. SAD.

Uplifting: Little boy meets his first gay couple. Kids are the best.

All diets are fad diets!

....what. the. eff. Seriously.

Much love,
The Sheriff

"your girl"--possession, manliness, hiphop, and sex

source

 I've noticed a pretty interesting trend in hiphop lyrics (yep, that ol' bin of misogyny that I still love!) lately. Let's see if you can spot it too!

I'm snatching all your bitches at my leisure--Kreayshawn, "Gucci Gucci"


Oh, that was your girl? I thought I recognized her--Drake, "Bedrock"


Why don't you run along and tell your girl to bring it here--Atmosphere, "The Bass and The Movement"


Look homie I ain't trying to force your hand/But Ima take your girl--Lil Wayne, "I Can Take Your Girl"


She was high on that pill so I fucked your lady--Too $hort on Wiz Khalifa, "On My Level"


Met a group of girls in a Escalade/They came with you and left with me--New Boys, "Backseat"


Lookin' for ya girl? She on my jock--LMFAO, "Party Rock Anthem"


If you slip I’m gonna fall on top of your girl--Pitbull, "Give Me Everything"

Notice anything? If the title of this post didn't totally give it away to your lazy summertime brain (no judgment), I'm interested in this emphasis on stealin' your girl for a few reasons.

Number one, it stresses that this girl/these girls were at one point yours, but now are mine, sexually at least...and this implies that girls are something of a possession to be proud of and fought over like territory. Number two, it underlines that these are girls we're talking about, not full grown-ass women with desires and choices of their own. Which is not to say that such full grown-ass women wouldn't choose to be with said girl-stealer, but that their agency is not even a question considered here. The only thing of import is that a possession has been taken from one dude by someone presumably more money and that this should grievously wound the first party's pride. One of the big proving grounds for toughness and manliness is clearly sex in both the hiphop and real worlds: being wanted by so many people or getting women without even trying (My swag hit on ladies unknowingly--Kanye West on Keri Hilson's "Pretty Girl Rock") is not just a self-esteem boost but a validation of worth and a means for proving superiority, especially if you managed to take what was previously his.

Further interesting is that the first lyric sample is from a female MC, so it would appear that she's absorbed at least some of the typical masculine posturing of emphasizing their bitches, their money, and their violent potential that most rappers have to do in order to be taken seriously for their craft. And it pisses me off. Lyrical skill shouldn't have to be packaged with gendered definitions of masculinity that focus on one's ability to objectify women, make money through illegal means, and hurt people, no matter how incredible the booty-dropping beat.

What do you think? Am I just overanalyzing, or does this emphasis trouble you to (even as, perhaps, you also drop it low like myself to such objectifying lyrics)?

Much love,
The Sheriff

bodies change: buddhism and shame and weight gain

What does Buddhism have to do with body image, you might ask? Quite a bit, I say.

First of all, there's the fact that Buddha is alternately presented as looking like this:

source

Or this:

source

So Buddha's either fat and jolly or skinny and serious, but much like the Honey Badger, he doesn't give  a shit. Lessons to be learned.

Humorous digression aside, that's not actually what this post is about. Buddhism teaches the concept of non-attachment, which emphasizes that it isn't the material things or relationships or bodies of this world that cause our misery and suffering but our attachment to them as they are in this moment, assuming that they will never change or age or differ or want something new. By releasing our attachments to these things and embracing them for what they are, day to day and moment to moment, we can lessen our suffering (in theory, anyway).

So what does this have to do with body image? If we try to release our attachments from how our body used to look, or on forcing ourselves to maintain the way it looks now, or attempting to squish it into the box of our standards for our future selves, then when change occurs we won't be so shocked and feel so much shame and guilt over natural processes that occur with or without our intervention. It's these feelings of shame and guilt and obsession that make it harder to change and accept it, not the change itself.

I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue a healthy lifestyle with a goal of maintaining your body as best as you can as you age; I personally do so and would be a big hypocrite if I were to preach otherwise. But there are natural effects of time and aging and sun exposure and LIVING goddammit that you can't completely reverse or control. Fighting them and trying to look the same as you did in high school or college or before babies is futile, and it's the insistence on remaining attached and devoted to an old image of yourself that will harm you. Living in fear that your body will never be this hot again is a sad way to live your life and keeps you from feeling so much joy!

But how to detach? Emphasize all the things your body can do that it couldn't before. Look at how much richer your life is with the wisdom of years or the baby child you have or with forgiving the five pounds you gained eating delicious food abroad.

What do ya think?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Texas' sonogram law challenged in court. Woo!

Murder and moms: interesting look at Casey Anthony and her compatriots.

MORE Jezebel (I'm a lazy linker lately): the burden of a lower-class background. Fantastic stuff.

Much love,
The sheriff

dads and boners: the ew factor and egos

source

Gross title, eh? :)

A few weeks ago, I was sitting with my dad, reading a book while he watched TV. A commercial for Viagra or Cialis or something similar was on, and showing the usual ridiculous shit that pharmaceutical commercials generally adore in their ads: depressed man with no boner at beginning discovers penis magic and overcomes his erectile dysfunction, enjoys sailing and surfing and cuddling with his hot wife in the sunset. Of course, it reminded me of Orgasm Inc., and I told him all about the process of making normal sexuality into a disease in the pursuit of profits.

His response? "Eventually I might need it, but right now I thankfully don't need any of that stuff."

Cue the gross-out sounds. WHY WOULD THAT BE OK TO SHARE WITH ME? Ew. Yuck. Blech.

Ahem. Moving on.

But after talking and laugh about this situation with my mama, I realized that this comment, while entirely stupid and inappropriate to make to one's daughter when that is not the sort of relationship you have, is about male ego more than it is anything else. It's about proving that one is still virile and not old and still a man. Which is silly, because having sired three kids, I already know this about my pops. Furthermore, being a man is more about treating people and yourself with respect and being responsible and doing what needs to be done (which is also the same as my definition as being a good person, oddly enough), NOT about having a boner.

Eesh. What do you think about this laughable encounter? Anyone else ever had a dad say something similar?

why women "drop out"--graduating, pressure, and the ease of roles

source

Graduating from an incredible college like Smith was a huge accomplishment for me, academically, personally, intellectually, financially. But the pressures of being a high-performing female (that phrase makes it sound like I'm super fertile, but I'm not changing it) don't end up with the commencement exercises, and I'm sure many of fellow high-pressure grads can relate to the following thoughts and comments.

My entire life I've been a high-achiever in everything I've ever done: I made volunteering a competitive event, worked an obscene number of hours through both high school and college to make money, beat my body and its hungers into submission, and of course, got amazing grades and praise from all of my teachers (I never did sports, however, thanks to being a chunky kid and hating the serious chub rub that came with being active). I did it all and made it look easy (hopefully), even as it felt like death. My slogan was "all I do is win" long before DJ Khaled came along.

And now that I've graduated, I feel like the pressure should've lessened a little. Grades are over! No more exams! I got my piece of paper with Latin on it!

And yet...it actually feels worse right now.

Everyone I run into asks what I'm doing with my life, and seems disappointed when I tell them. "Oh, really? I never saw you as a ______ (insert whatever noun you want there that's not good enough for your friends/family/pastor)," or "I always thought you'd work at the UN or something really impressive." Perhaps these comments are meant to be encouraging, like "Look how highly I think of you!" But what I hear is more like, "Why aren't you meeting the expectations that Everybody has for you while also being attractive and rich?" And I can only imagine that I'm not alone.

The feeling of all this insane pressure is helping me begin to understand why high-performing women "drop out" by getting hitched and having babies and becoming devoted moms and wives. Rest assured, I don't actually want to yet, but the ease of having a role to settle into instead of having to constantly question and assert and figure out what precisely it is that I want sounds a lot more relaxing than the exhaustion and terror I alternately feel.

But. A role is not what I want to fit into. Not deep down. I have a little more compassion for women who choose to step out of their demanding work positions in order to raise a family or whatnot, because this pressure is real and scary. But a role would be too: pressures and expectations are waiting right there for you, except with less guesswork about how to go about being the ideal mom or wife, since that's laid out for you in magazines like Parenting and Martha Stewart and such.

No matter what your position, chances are you'll never measure up to the perfect standard set before you because perfection is naturally unattainable and humans are so inherently flawed that our attempts at being otherwise are nearly always humorously thwarted by life. So I'm encouraging my fellow graduates: take a deep breath. Fuck the Everybody who tells you that you're not all you can be and you're disappointing. Do what feels right, and don't expect your first job to help you save the world, become famous all over, and be rich (if it does, please tell me your secret). But don't let yourself fall into something by sheer laziness or exhaustion: make as deliberate of choices as your financial situation will let you, and smile. These are the good times, and sometimes we (and by "we" I mean I) get so overwhelmed that we forget that.

Grads: do you feel this crazy pressure too from friends/strangers/family?
Established Adults: does it ever go away?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

How violent sex helped erase my PTSD---TRIGGER warning, but a very interesting piece.

Lovin' up on this comment of the day on Jezebel.

As I suspected. Sigh.

Neither butch nor top.

Much love,
 The Sheriff