strip club jealousy: is it natural, a reflection of our society, or is it insecurity?

Now, don't laugh, but until Marvel, I never dated anyone who openly copped to enjoying going to strip clubs. The rest either found it gross, or awkward, or expensive and silly. But Marvel, evidently, loved them through his time in the military and onward. It wasn't until he mentioned early in our romance that he had been to one recently and I began crying and yelling and generally acting like a fool that he stopped. A similar incident was profiled in season 3 of The Wire between a lesbian couple, for the record. But the incident and conversations we've had since had made me wonder what it is precisely about strip clubs that makes many women jealous.

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First off, it's probably simply that some other lady is grinding her at least partially naked ass all over someone who I claim as mine. Could be that, for starters.

But in all seriousness, why do we get so jealous and uncomfortable (and by "we" I might mean "my jealous ass") about partners going to strip clubs?

It could simply be natural. We are just not inclined to like the idea of someone that we have copulated with and decided is ours and whom we are loyal to enjoying a seat in the front row at a titty bar. Hormones bond us and ensure that we don't want to stray too far. We want the same from them. And realistically, there are strippers who do have sex with their clients for money. The threat is then not simply that one's partner will find other folks appealing, but that they might also have an opportunity to cheat. Very few people like getting cheated on. I don't have science to back me up here, but just trust me on that shit: nobody likes being played. And knowing your partner is getting a lap dance can feel like you are getting played.

The jealousy could also be a reflection of our society. We have been trained from a young and tender age to expect full monogamy, and women especially have been fed horseshit like this about what an ideal relationship should be:

 

Makes sense that if you think he should give up his recreational sports league and his job in order to ensure that your every emotional need is met, ya might be a little peeved if he's hanging out at the strip club. Meet your own emotional needs first, and this ceases to be as much of an issue (just sayin').

Third possible cause of strip club jealousy syndrome: garden variety insecurity. If you feel that your own body is not up to snuff, you will not want other ladies (who you surely picture in your head as thin and lithe and perky of breast and with uplifted but feminine cheeks...in other words, the things that you imagine you're not) workin it' all over your partner. It only serves to increase the feelings that you're not good enough--surely, if you were, he'd be at home with you, not at the club with her and her six-inch heels, right?

Personally, I think it's all three mixed together. When you're invested in a person, you want to be the only one they want, even if that's unrealistic. That's probably a societal residue that taints our relationships. However, biology suggests that our hormones drive this instinct too--once you've released that oxytocin and bonded with someone enough, you want their affections and attention to be yours alone. And naturally, the fact that your partner can get another lady to grind on them (among other acrobatic feats) with her "perfect" body is likely to exacerbate any existing bodily insecurities for sure, given the fact that we live in a culture where a woman's worth is measured largely based on her perceived sexual attractiveness and how she stacks up compared to some unattainable and arbitrary standards.

I'd love to hear a rebuttal for this, and have asked Marvel to write me an explanation of what the draw of strip clubs is, gross, sexist reasons and all. We'll see what happens!

What do you think? Are women jealous about their partners visiting strip clubs because of nature, our society's emphasis on extreme monogamy or insecurity? Or is it all three? Talk to me.

Much love, 

The Sheriff

it's too comfortable in here...maybe

The arch that the average relationship follows is well-known: two people meet, they awkwardly talk, perhaps drunkenly fuck, exchange numbers, hang out to get more sex, accidentally realize that they're both great people, hang out some more, never want to be apart because the other person is amazing and sexy and perfect, fuck all the time, gradually grow super comfortable and start burping and farting and sneezing in front of each other, romance is lost forever.

Or does it?

I'm grappling with this one a bit myself: is it possible to be too comfortable with each other in a romantic relationship? Marvel seems to think no, that all level of bodily functions are cool to talk about or even perform in front of each other. The Sheriff, until Marvel, could barely own up to farts in front of past partners and would blame things on fumes or passing dogs.

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On the YES, you can get too comfortable side: some level of secrecy and mystery must be maintained (at least until babies, at which point it appears that all manner of decency and sleep and regular showering ceases for a few weeks/months) to keep the romance alive. Poop talk is rarely an aphrodisiac (unless that's your thang, in which case, do it up).

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On the NO side, let's keep it real side: your partner is a human, and being human means sometimes that you fart. The closeness that comes with that level of trust, in believing that your partner will still find you sexy even if they know what your snot looks like or how ugly your face gets when you're about to cry, is worth the slight decrease is sex appeal. Besides, trust can be very sexy (think S&M and disclosure of fantasies).

I still maintain though that a fart in the middle of a sexy conversation is a mood ruiner, and that sometimes, people need to know to maintain their rectal integrity and hold it in for the illusion. But, as I found when I recently had an, erhm, compromise in my rectal integrity in the middle of sex, sometimes the ridiculousness and laughter that it encourages makes it worth the momentary pause in the performance.

Where do you stand on this serious issue?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

The Air Force is contending with an expanding emerging sexual harassment and abuse scandal. Sad for the absurdly high number of women impacted by this, and shameful for the organization as a whole.

Women and men handle work stress differently. Interesting!

How one woman grew to love her laugh lines. At 23, I'm already mildly panicked about my forehead lines, so this was a good read for me.

Fascinating: people compliment differently depending on gender and a whole bunch of things.

LOVE this one. How to prepare for your bikini reveal? Give less of a fuck.

I grapple with some of the prejudicial issues she points out in here (as in, I unconsciously engage in them without wanting to be an asshole), but the Fat Nutritionist has some great perspective, including this gem: "And despite popular belief, you cannot presume to know a person’s behaviour based solely on their weight."

Happy weekend!

Much love,
The Sheriff

big city beauty--it's hard out here for a lady

As you may know/may not care, I moved to Philly along with a few biddies from Smith. It has been a delightful freshman year of life, full of the requisite ups and downs, like learning how awful dating really can be in a male-dominated world, how to accidentally become locked in your own apartment (that would be the Sheriff that surmounted that life hurdle), and how to negotiate public transit.

Philly is extremely different from Smith. People think Philly, and they think of this guy

and these.

 But Philly is not just a gritty, manly, post-industrial city. It's also a place with a high concentration of people, and in some pockets, money, and a lot of that money appears to invested in beauty.

Cities seem to buy into the beauty myth far more than small towns and rural areas. Having not really live in suburbia, I can't speak to that, but the concentration of wealth and housewives would make me inclined to think that they also are riding on the strict beauty standard train.

There's gyms galore, and Lithe Method classes to attend, and facials to get (which are evidently a monthly necessity, according to a woman who gave me a much-needed massage recently). There's eyebrows to wax and other "unsightly" hair to deal with and teeth to bleach. I feel far more pressure here to maintain a certain standard than I have at any other point in my life.

Granted, I have so far lived primarily in a woodsy small town that had a shit ton of beauty salons and very few pretty people. I've also spent a few years in the lesbian capital of the U.S. where the beauty standard seemed to mostly hinge on brushing your teeth regularly. I went out dancing more than once in snowboots and ungroomed brows and had no trouble getting my drinks purchased for me, a fact that speaks to the more relaxed standards.

Cities are different. While the large number of sheer bodies increases the fact that there's someone out there who's going to find whatever look I'm putting out there sexy, regardless of if I'm wearing a bra of just ate garlic hummus, the general standard and expectation is elevated and closer to the bullshit we see portrayed in magazines. And that's dangerous. I don't think it's a coincidence that this nation's first eating disorder treatment facility, the Sheriff's own Renfrew Center, started in Philadelphia, a major city surrounded by a bunch of incredibly wealthy suburbs.

But that's just my theory. Have you found that to be true? Or do you think small towns can have poisonous beauty standards too?

Much love,
The Sheriff

yay, healthcare!

This is a half-assed post, but I think we should all be okay with that because...

This is a huge victory for, well, everyone with a body in the United States of America. Because while we talk a lot of shit here about body image and eating disorders and those types of body issues, bodies are also prone to health problems which can easily financially destroy the average family.

So! In honor of that, here's a pretty easily understandable breakdown of Obamacare. And here's a breakdown of what it all means for your vagina (hint: not getting knocked up becomes more affordable! YAY!).

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links!

This is a lovely quote that fits perfectly with Wednesday's post.

Fantastic look at the cycle of self-shame and self-care. Woo, have I been there.

A great reminder that with the 40th anniversary of Title IX, not all problems for women and girls in sports were magically solved by that piece of legislation (also, secret confession: does anyone struggle with Roman numerals, or is that just a me thing?)

The Jezebel 25--future goal is to make this list one day :)

Crazy Cosmo sex tips.

"She's just jealous." Constantly used to make women into petty bitches and to excuse bad behavior. Good ish.

Enjoy your weekend!

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--follow on Twitter @ff_sheriff

weight/obesity/color: can we talk about it? should we?

You'd have to be nearly illiterate not to know that we've got an epidemic on our hands. A big, fat epidemic.

The statistics are frightening: according to the CDC, about 1 in 3 of us is obese, and another 1 in 3 are overweight, making America a nation of people overwhelmingly struggling with those extra pounds. And nearly everywhere we look, there are articles, headlines, and public service announcements about these facts and the things we can do to tackle them. I hear a public service announcement regularly on the local Philly hip-hop station about 25 small things you can do to be more fit. The information about how devastating this is for America, both in terms of health and finances, is all around us. And I think it is something that we need to discuss real solutions for, especially for our children, because diabetes and high blood pressure are no joke.

But talking about it as individuals and how to tackle it is somehow harder/more awkward, especially if we are addressing it across racial communities.

Marvel and I were having a conversation recently after I read this article from the opinion section of the New York Times entitled "Why Black Women Are Fat." It spits the absolutely alarming statistic that 4 out of 5 black women are "seriously overweight" (not sure if this is a euphemism for obese or just a term that Alice Randall is using here to indicate the severity of the situation). Randall also makes the claim that "many black women are fat because we want to be." She notes, as I've stated before from my observations in the urban classroom and living in Philly, that curves (particularly of the variety that people write songs about in an array of genres, such as "Baby Got Back" and "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk") are necessary to black beauty. While black fat and white fat can cause diseases in just the same way, one of them is culturally prized while the other is culturally reviled.

how black women feel about fat thighs (I can only assume Minaj speaks for everyone)

how white women feel about fat thighs

She also tackles the fact that black fat bodies can be a site of cultural resistance to white standards, a nice and silent "fuck you" to the man. And yet, Randall still concludes that black families need to change their culture around food and exercise, both to save themselves and also to save our country money we are using for healthcare to treat the effects of obesity, money that could be better applied to struggling schools and communities.

One question that has come out of discussing this with Marvel and wrestling over it in my mind: as a white woman, raised very much in an environment and in a household that praised thin bodies and
slender physiques as "healthy," do I have a right to bring up the discussion of obesity in the black community? Or am I implicitly saying that white beauty trumps black beauty?

Marvel has raised the point that heart disease (often a result of obesity) is more linked to poverty than to ANY other risk factor (including diet, exercise, and smoking). So in addressing the effects of obesity on our country in terms of health and stressing out the healthcare system, we might do better to also pay attention to the effects of long-term poverty on our population instead of ignoring it and blaming people for their choices as if they happen in a vacuum. Having lived very briefly in an economically distressed area of North Philadelphia, I can attest to the fact that food deserts are very real. There are few choices for decent grocery stores providing fresh produce at affordable prices or gyms in places where people are often without transportation or access to resources. Sure, you could go for a nice jog outside, but it's hard to do that if you live in a dangerous neighborhood with crumbling sidewalks.

In this conversation, I'm not endorsing white beauty as better. Can the white standard of beauty contribute to the development of healthy habits? Sure. If the pursuit of a flatter stomach means you're doing cardio three times a week and shying away from fast food, that's certainly better for your health than not doing those things. White beauty can also lead to incredibly unhealthy habits, as I've experienced myself through nine years of anorexia, bulimia, and over-exercising. But it's tricky to endorse aspects of the white beauty standard without implying that other standards are less than or unhealthy or lacking somehow.

At the core of it, all beauty standards could use the addition of this to them: healthy. Natural. Not contrived or dangerous or exaggerated or extreme.

What say you? Can we talk about obesity, especially across racial communities, without shaming or criticizing? Do we even need to talk about it?

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--follow on Twitter @ff_sheriff