Friday Links!

I don't really give a hoot about the Olympics, but this is pretty damn great.

How to deal with "pretty sister syndrome" in the office.

Taking back the "F" word from CampusFeminist.

This is a fantastic article about the risks and rewards that female journalists face.

Why it's hard for men to say bye bye to their bachelor status. I have some feelings about this one.

Thanks to the economy, the U.S. birth rate has fallen dramatically. Interesting to think about the implications for that.

Much love,
The Sheriff

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gym membership guilt

I've got a gym membership, like a good girl in her 20s should. Sweat Fitness in Philly. It's a nice enough gym, not too expensive if they give you the special holiday discounts, and clean. Kinda industrial-cool decor. And I do enjoy working out, using my body, and feeling strong doing it. But I have never felt such guilt as I do each day when I look at my innocent little gym card on my key ring and think how long it's been since I've swiped it on my way in the building. 

There's something just so seemingly good about people who go to the gym regularly. That trim lady with the enviable triceps who is there, every morning, virtuously working her body. The buff guy, staring himself in the mirror while he crunches his obliques. Clearly, these people just have that discipline and are just simply better people than mere mortals like myself, who would often prefer to stay in bed that extra hour or just go home and take off my shoes after a long day on my feet.

The problem here lies in two things: that we attribute being good with going to the gym/being fit and that we use such black and white thinking around fitness and body.

If we don't go to the gym, we are bad, fat, lazy, and likely to get diabetes and die early. If we do go to the gym, we are thin, light, virtuous, good people. It's one or the other The fitspo on Pinterest (ya know the ones: pictures of  disembodied taught abs with words like "Sweat is fat crying"  and "Train insane or remain the same" that are supposed to inspire you towards fitness) does nothing but promote this black and white thinking--either you are working towards improving your body and hitting the gym, or you're a lazy slob with a muffin top. Staying wrapped up in such self-promoted guilt makes it easy for women to be exploited or distracted from real issues or just enjoying our lives.

So do your best to do what feels good for you, whether that's a strict gym routine or a more relaxed approach to fitness. When the black and white thinking and guilt creep in, remind yourself that fitness is not a measure of your inherent goodness and that you are already enough, dusty gym membership and all.

Much love,
The Sheriff

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chris brown, homophobia, & hypermasculinity; or, why chris brown is such a douchebag

Once again, Chris Brown has showed the world what a nice young man he is. Reportedly, when a journalist asked him on his way out of da club what he thought of Frank Ocean's recent revelation of his bisexuality, Brown's response was (allegedly), "Man, no homo."

Cuuuuute.

Of course, Brown is denying it and taking to his favorite platform of Twitter to do so. But whether he made this specific homophobic comment is sort of beside the point, since he evidently has a history of doing so (sidebar: he also has a history of pretty terrible lyrics in his songs lately with dubious, grandiose claims, including the song "Sweet Love," wherein he croons "Tonight is the night/That I change your life/Let me control your body." Change my life by controlling my body? I'm good, Chris Brown. I'm good).

So. Why is Brown such an asshole?

Well, I can't account for why he beat the living crap out of Rihanna, but as for his homophobia, I've got a good idea. It's because of hyper-masculinity and in particular how important it is within the black community.

If being a man is defined as being the aggressor, the breadwinner, the One Who Handles Business, than the act of allowing oneself to be penetrated by another man (like a lowly woman! gasp!) is perhaps the lowest you can get (hence the term "down low" for the sexual switch that sometimes happens in prisons). An emphasis on these traditional values also explains Brown's ridiculous behavior generally (like when he continues to respond excessively in Twitter fights instead of just laying down like he should), as does looking at him with a lens for misogyny. Sure, he sings sappy songs and sensual tunes about his love for women('s vaginas), but serious hatred of gay men and the act of gay sex is rooted in a hatred for women and their perceived vulnerability.

What say ya'll? Is Chris Brown a hyper-masculine misogynist, or am I just tossing around big words for the hell of it?

Much love,
The Sheriff

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reddit rapists have something to say

I'm gonna be real--I'm not always on the top of the latest, coolest tech-savvy thing. I'm lusting over an iPhone (mostly so I can use the adorable case I bought preemptively), but otherwise, I'm pretty behind on the times. I just got a Twitter about a month ago, people (shameless plug: follow FF here!). And I certainly don't know much about Reddit, but I have seen that infographic that shows it's a pretty male-dominated social media source, about 75% dudes or so. It's the masculine, bro-like balance of Pinterest's wedding boards and craft rooms, I suppose.

Whatever Reddit is, recently there was a thread started on it about sexual assault. Not too unusual, except that it featured the POV of the people doing the raping (warning--that link contains some excerpts that might be triggering or just unsettling).

There were lots of (often gross, misogynistic, creepy) perspectives shared, and a weird level of insight into the way that these men thought about the act. But most of them really just saw it as sex. Not as a power play (though several did mention the fact that men generally have superiod physical strength), not as an act of patriarchy, but as sex. Sex gone awry, perhaps. But sex nonetheless.

I found it startling how a few of them noted that they wanted to rape but couldn't go through with it once they looked the woman in the face; once faced by the fact that this was an actual person that they were about to violate, they stopped. The detail with which they were able to account these incidents was also startling.

But most startling is to be able to read these accounts that confirm, from the rapist's perspective, that rape happens usually not because of a stranger in the bushes with a knife, but generally because of a friend who got too drunk and stopped listening to protests or treating women like people or chose to hear his/her hormones instead of her (perhaps audible, perhaps not) protestations.

We need to have more open conversations about rape, yes. But bigger than that, we need to work to see women as people, truly as people, not as objects for sexual conquest or social advancement. We need to train people to see sex not as a sport or competition, but as an act mutually enjoyed between two people in which consent is actively pronounced through language or the body, not just assumed.

Readers--what do you think of this thread? Can we learn something from it, or is just a chance for rapists to feel better about what they did by knowing they're not alone?

Much love,
The Sheriff

why go unprivate?

This blog has sadly vacillated between public and private depending on my employment needs at the time.

But I've decided that (hopefully for the foreseeable future!), this purdy little blog shall be public.

Why?

Because more people can read and discuss it. And that's always better.

Because having it private feels claustrophobic and breaks my heart. Sure, having it public feels scary and anxiety-provoking too. But that's okay.

Because it's just easier for ya'll.

So feel free to spread the word and enjoy the free and open FF!

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--Follow on Twitter (because I have 8 followers right now and that's sad)!

friday links

This woman bravely took photos of her own abortion.

Why six year old girls want to be sexy.

On a happier note about children--one 8 year old's reasons why being a girl rocks.

How to stay out of jail while pregnant. What the what.

People always be in a powerful lady's business--Mayer, new Yahoo exec, is pregnant.

Much love,
The Sheriff

want a cure for your body image woes? go outside

Somehow, even with as much as I know about how women's magazines just make me feel fat and ugly and poor, I buy them every month. The glossy covers and promises of quick solutions and quick read articles just suck me in and waste my money. Like a true addict, I always have promises to stop but can't quite commit to sobriety.

But sometimes, these magazines have true nuggets of wisdom buried in the articles about how to control your disgusting body, and this month's issue of Fitness magazine had just such a bit. It said that a recent study found that spending time in nature improves your body image. They suggest that without mirrors and other things that can lead to obsessiveness over appearances, you're able to silence your inner critic better.

Having worked at an outdoorsy summer camp for the last month, I can speak to this being true. Further, it helps that when one is in nature, one is rarely wearing work pants that require you to button them up (sometimes quite tightly) and suck in your gut, but is more likely to wear workout clothes that let you move freely without being perpetually aware of how tight your clothes are.

But I think there's another reason that being in nature works so well to heal your body image wounds: it makes you get lost in something bigger than yourself. It's hard to worry about how big your thighs are when you're standing among the redwoods.

It's not always possible to have this kind of escape, though. Living in Philadelphia, there's tons of parks but I don't always have the chance to get to one and wonder around and appreciate the flowers (or I do, but it's night time and I just don't trust Philly parks at night). What to do then? I try to get lost in something. Anything. Something that makes your heart beat faster, whether that's comic books or writing or watching videos of cats online, takes you outside of your petty body concerns and into the better part of yourself. The part that knows that you're bigger than your body.


Much love,
The Sheriff