why I hate Rihanna

As a woman in my early/mid twenties who occasionally has the energy to go out dancing with painful shoes on, I should by all means like Rihanna. She is ballsy, both sartorially and musically, and sings very openly about sex and being sexual, which is great, and normally I support women talking about doin' it (you may have noticed the title of this blog).

But not when that's ALL that a woman does. 

source

The Chris Brown business aside (it is upsetting to me that she is back with him, but that is her personal business and I understand that the cycle of abuse often drags people back to their abusers, so I ain't gonna judge that here), I have a lot of issues with Rihanna.

a. Her voice is just bad, and her music is annoying/becoming harder to dance to because it is too chaotic (maybe I am just getting old, but I hate this dub step influence).

b. Her ENTIRE image is based on sexuality. This can be a good thing, an empowering thing, a thing that moves women forward.

Or it can just reduce you to being ONLY a sexual object and a person incapable of being taken seriously.

The majority of her hits have been sexual, and have grown to the point that it's sort of ridiculous. Example: "Cockiness," in which the chorus consists of the repeating phrase I love it when you eat it. Which is fine--getting oral is amazing! But something about beating people over the head with sex and sexuality in a vulgar way is off-putting, no matter who does it. It's nasty when it's part of hip hop (though more expected, given the hypermasculinity that is standard in that culture), and it's nasty when Rihanna continues to speak/sing about it (see "Birthday Cake," in which she informs us that It's not even birthday, and he wanna lick the icing off). 

Even her love songs revolve around the fact that she loves the man she's with so much because of how much he fucks her. And again, I have nothing against sex and sexuality in music, but it can get to a point where you are reducing yourself to that image and downplaying your complexity as a human being to the point where you're just a vagina and sexual urges. It stops being shocking and interesting and empowering when it's the only card you play.

Am I being too hard on her? What do ya'll think?

Much love,
The Sheriff


Follow me on twitter for more feminist musings @ff_sheriff or get at me on Facebook

breaking up sucks.

Disclaimer: This is a terribly maudlin post. Normal, less sad posting to resume Wednesday.

There is no way around it: breaking up is never easy.

Even when it's a break up conducted with the hope of reunion (does that ever happen? Has that ever worked for anyone?), it's the end of something that was its own world, with its own language and customs and idiosyncrasies.

Break ups are never the sudden BOOM, some shit happened and now it's over that I pictured when I was younger. I thought that you just suddenly woke up one day, realizing that you didn't want them around anymore and kicked them to the curb and they were the only one hurting.

But it's not that at all. It's this gradual drift, this constant wondering of if it gets better, if it will ever improve, if your efforts to smile more, remember the little things, chill out means nothing.

It's the picking apart of things, sorting them into yours and mine.

It's the fear that you're forgettable.

It's the reminding yourself to stop before texting them, to resist the urge to call on them when you've had a rough day and need someone to lean on, because they don't want to or can't be that someone anymore.

It's that ache in the night, missing their body and not knowing if anyone will learn its curves and wishes and expressions like they did.

It's that wondering if it's actually the best choice.

It's unraveling the narrative of the future that you've built up in your head that includes them, however slight (like including their favorite foods on your shopping list) or grand (imagining what a house together might feel like).

It's lonely.

But you gotta push through the cold beds and loneliness and erasure of future mental plans,  hopefully for something better. Or at least a better version of what you had.

Much love,
The Sheriff

Follow me on twitter for more feminist musings @ff_sheriff or get at me on Facebook

friday links

"There's this notion of a feminist being something that's radical and bad and painted very negatively," says [former NFL quarterback, Don] McPherson..."Men-hating lesbians who are angry at the world. Well, I'm not a man-hating lesbian. I'm not angry at the world. I'm a former quarterback who respects women and believes men need to change the way they think and behave." Awesome.

This will LITERALLY make you LOL: the greatest dog gifs.


 Mmmhmm. The 10 essentials for a good relationship.

Here's some really fantastically informative infographics about abortion in the U.S.

FAQs on friendship in your 20s. I've definitely had some of these questions at some point.

You know that person who, when you're talking about rape, says helpful things like "well what about girls who lie about rape?" Shut them up with this incredibly sad chart.

"I reject the notion that my virtue is located in my vagina." Wise words on honor and rape. Brava!


Much love,
The Sheriff


Follow me on twitter for more feminist musings @ff_sheriff or get at me on Facebook

the decade of envy

The twenties are this really interesting decade. It seems to be a time when we are pulled in several directions at once: the urge to explore and fuck around a little bit, sexually and otherwise, before settling down is contrasted with the urge to define yourself and immediately set out on defined career and relationship paths.
It's a confusing time, ya'll, and that only makes it even easier to participate in society's favorite women's sport: COMPARISON!

I've read a lovely quote before that states "comparison is the thief of joy," and I think it's a beautiful idea: without comparing our circumstances and efforts to others, we'd be a lot happier and appreciate of what we've got goin' on. But the minute we gaze at someone else's body or wardrobe or academic achievements, suddenly what we're doing seems a little musty, a little bit sad, just not enough. Envy is an extremely toxic emotion, especially if you're 20s, when everyone is striving and struggling to figure out what we want and how we can get it. The rubric for success is more amorphous than it was in college--you have literally thousands of paths before you--but makin' it is ever present on our minds.

Envy also involves a certain amount of illusion and assumptions. The interwebz only helps to fosters these illusions and assumptions; reading fashion blogs or looking at someone's social media representations, we only see the things that they want us to see. It's the photos where they look thin and are smiling and dressed oh-so-chicly in some wonderful location. A glance at these kinds of online statements can easily lead to assumptions about the kind of life the lead--glamorous, wealthy, easy, while we of course know the sometimes not so pretty reality of our own lives, which is often difficult, financially strapped, or unfulfilled. I myself am certainly guilty of constructing elaborate fantasy lives that I assign to people I barely know or know not at all, assuming how easy and charmed their lives must be on the basis of some beautifully shot Facebook photos or Instagram posts highlighting their international travels or impeccable wardrobe.

So how do we stop envy, in a world where it can be difficult to avoid these traps and in a decade where we're all struggling and trying to figure it out? Focus on what you've go goin' on. If you actually have things in your life that you can be truly, genuinely, really happy about, it'll be easier to not get wrapped up in how easy their life seems or how fast their metabolism is or how much money you think they have.

Are you a victim of envy sometimes, like I am? Or are you magically able to stay above that? And how do you do it?

Much love,
The Sheriff

Follow me on twitter for more feminist musings @ff_sheriff or get at me on Facebook

sexual ex-recycling: pros and cons

I feel like it's a part of our times, in this era of cell phones and easy access all the time, that it's just all too easy to sexually recycle your exes. Maybe things fell apart emotionally, maybe you know with every fiber of your being that they're so wrong for you, but goddamn if it ain't easy to text them when you've had a little too much wine and you're lonely. Plus you know their body and vice versa, you don't add to your body count, you don't have to train someone all over again into how to pleasure you--how could it be wrong?

Plenty of ways!

If they weren't an absolutely great lay in the first place, skip it and move on to the next one. No need to waste your time with someone who can't get the job done.

If there's still a lot of raw, negative emotions, you should pass. The sex can be a catalyst for feelings and fighting and none of that is what you want if you're just gaming for a convenient lay. Of course, if you do want to work things out with them, a conversation had in the light of day is perhaps a better bet.

Similarly, if you're not on the same page going into this booty call, you should clear that up first. No orgasm is worth misleading someone and hurting their feelings if they want more than you can give at that time, and it's not worth your emotional well-being to try to connect with them over dicking.

Is ex-recycling just a logical way to minimize your body count and energy expenditure to get laid? Or should you always just move onward and upward? I kinda feel that it's a new year, so it's worth it to move on! Lots of new people to get acquainted with.

Much love,
The Sheriff


Follow me on twitter for more feminist musings @ff_sheriff or get at me on Facebook

friday links

How to make your period suck less. I've NEEDED this advice lately.

Here's some of the best body love articles from 2012. Lots to read here!

I meant to post this last week (whoops...forgot about Friday links!), but this is a great article about reclaiming the holidays as a time to love your body. Good any time of year.

This is a great read about the fear of not being pretty enough to find a partner.

I hear you, Rosario: being excessively thin and hard on our bodies is a form of violence.

Just for the chuckles on New Year's Resolutions.

Have a lovely weekend!

Much love,
The Sheriff

new year's resolutions and the body hatred cycle

Today marks the first day where people are voraciously attempting their ambitious resolutions, having spent yesterday in a hungover stupor presumably. The gyms are packed with people raring for change, the grocery stores are selling large quantities of fresh veggies and those special editions of fitness magazines with "Get Off The Couch!" titles. We, a nation that is overwhelmingly overweight and obese, love this day full of possibilities of skinnier pants, and the promise that stretches out before us in these 12 new months (that include tiny bikinis and flat abs in the summertime, naturally).

But it can be so destructive to your body image and potentially your body (yo-yo dieting doesn't have pretty effects), and on a more practical level, it can be simply exhausting to try to maintain a sense of control and discipline and diligence over a process that is supposed to be pretty simple: eat, move, drink water. Repeat. Maybe add some chocolate (or cheese, if you're me). But most resolutions tend towards the extreme and the ambitious, not the moderate and attainable. When apathy sets in or results of the slender body you're seeking aren't coming, it's easy to backslide, binge on a whole bunch of "forbidden, un-clean" foods, and then feel like shit about yourself and your body. Now not only are you a lazy, out-of-shape fa tass, you're also undisciplined and can't stick to a program and just ate an entire bag of Doritos in front of a Kardashian marathon when you were supposed to be sipping a green juice after spin class. So you hate yourself, and vow to do things that you don't enjoy to reach a goal that maybe you don't even personally want.

Now, I've got nothing against gyms, or green juice, or even resolutions. I just think as women (and men) in an incredibly body-conscious (but not necessarily health conscious) society, we need to be aware of if we're approaching fitness and health from a deficit and negative perspective, where we cut out things that we like to eat or force ourselves to engage in exercise that we don't like in order to reach goals that may not be long-term maintainable. Take the same goal of weight loss and re-frame it into something that's focused on the fun activities you can do (Zumba! Walks in the park! Yoga!) and adding in new exciting foods (Kiwi! Spinach! Sweet potatoes!), and that sounds like a fun goal, AND possible to accomplish. Focus on adding to your life, not subtracting from your waist measurement.


Did you set any resolutions this year? Or did you decide to skip that nonsense?

Much love,
The Sheriff