halloween links!

As noted in my last piece, slutty costumes abound at Halloween...and these are just absurd. Sexy Nemo?! My 8th grade field trip is ruined forever.

Some silly Halloween cartoons...not really related to sex or feminism (except that the sexy female vampires want their rights!).

Why do many women consistently dismiss lousy sex? The Sheriff does not stand for this.

And this is a great piece about a man confronting abortion protesters.

Happy Friday!
Much love,
The Sheriff

"Slutty" Halloween Costumes: oppressive, fun, neither?

As a (somewhat) typical college-age woman, I've gone to a few Halloween affairs. And Mean Girls got it right: for many of us, it seems to be the only occasion in which a woman can dress as slutty as she likes and no one can say anything mean about it because hey, it's Halloween.

I do find it hard to get offended about the somewhat revealing nature of Halloween costumes. It's a holiday, and if you truly don't want to participate, I guess you could make your own (non-revealing) outfit. Sure, I agree that it's unfair that it's nigh impossible to find a cute but not borderline prostitute outfit, but it is still something you can opt out of and come up with your own interpretation.

In that vein, last night Baby and I went to a house party dressed as Snooki and Jwoww, respectively.


We looked ridiculous, with our massive poufs, bracelets for earrings, and bronzer, but we looked perfectly Jersey. We set out for a fun evening. And it was fun.

Except when we were sexually harassed. One man felt compelled to actually reach into my cleavage, apropos of nothing, and adjust my shirt. Baby said she felt uncomfortable and hyper aware (as our very sober designated driver...feminists have responsible fun!) of the fact that people were staring at her chest and body as they talked to her. While this (sadly) is not the first time I've had such reactions, I was fucking appalled at the fact that the guys doing this weren't totally trashed or being douches the rest of the time: they seemed like pretty decent, average folks. And they still thought adjusting a stranger's tits was fine?

I talked to my mama about this and she raised the point: why not just wear less revealing clothes if they're going to be dicks? But that's the equivalent of letting the terrorists win: by letting their sexist, unrefined mannerisms alter my behavior, I'm letting them win. Not to get dramatic about slutty Halloween costumes, but it's sort of admitting defeat.

I bare body parts not for the reception that it gets but because it's fun. It's freeing to stop being intellectual and put together and to act like someone else for the night, and that shouldn't be something that's interrupted by unwanted touching. This individual in question was immediately aware of the fact that what he did wasn't okay, but let's raise the bar in general for men. Let's expect more of them, and insist that they rise to the occasion.

So, revealing outfits or not: happy Halloween everyone!


Much love,
The Sheriff

stripteasin'

Meatball's birthday came and went, and I still never got around to giving him his birthday present, as logistical factors kept getting in the way: one of us was sick, he had finals, I had my period, we plain forgot about it when we had the chance(further proof I am actually an old woman). But last week, a window of opportunity opened, and I took it and gave my first ever striptease.

Despite Meatball's belonging to a frat and being an athlete, he is quite the gentlemen and never asked for a striptease. I offered. I've thought about performing one for years now, but never had quite the right audience (dating a mixture of jerks and people who made me feel insecure about my body may have contributed to me not wanting to bump and grind naked on their lap). But with him, I definitely did: I know he loves my body, that he'd appreciate it, and that he'd respond in kind with some equally vulnerable display (and he is!). It wasn't super intense or vulgar; I may have been pretty tipsy and a little nervous, but it was straight up me.


And I loved doing it. I felt sexy, it was a huge turn on, and it actually felt pretty natural. Oh, and he liked it too.

Context is obviously everything with an act like this: had he pushed me into doing it, or had I felt deeply uncomfortable, it would've been tainted and gross and dripping with sexism. But I offered to and wanted to do this. Does that take away the fact that it's still something catered to the male gaze? Would it be different if I'd done a dance for a female partner?

For myself, I honestly don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. I don't claim stripping as a necessarily powerful or feminist act for myself, but it felt amazing, as someone who has struggled vehemently with eating disorders, body image issues and my sexuality, to have total control and to feel truly, uncompromisingly hot. Although it's literally a performance, it was an authentic expression of my sexuality to me: I'm a bold, in control partner, and this was no change from that. Short of painting the female symbol on my stomach, this was as close to a feminist striptease as I'd ever encountered, and I was pretty damn pleased with its non-exploitative feel. It was just good clean sexy fun, for both of us.

But again, context is everything. If he'd demanded a dance and dictated how it went and what it looked like, I'd be out the fucking door.

Much love,
The Sheriff

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Friday links

It's not actually Friday yet, but I have a job interview tomorrow so I'm posting now (cross your fingers for me!).

Enter for a vibe from us in our previous post :)

There is a whole lot of anger (understandably) on the internets about the Yale DKE incident. Read general stuff/watch the video about it here, read an interview with one of the brothers, and read a feminist response from Yale here.

In nicer Greek life news, the sorority Delta Delta Delta recently hosted Fat Talk Free Week.

Horrifying sexist vintage ads (shared with me by my frat boy boyfriend...should I be worried?)

Response from a young feminist to Katha Politt irritation with us.

And finally: who gets to be a feminist?

Much love,
The Albright Sheriff

FF's First Interview: A Player from the Lingerie Football League

I thought for a while about doing a piece on the Lingerie Football League, a league that intrigued and baffled me. I found it incredible that women were given a chance to play real tackle football, not powderpuff bullshit, but to put them in lingerie...not only is it heinously oversexualizing, but isn't it just plain unsafe?
So I was going to just write a typical rant on that, until I realized a former classmate of mine was actually in the LFL. I've known Saige Steinmetz (now of the Tampa Breeze) since middle school, and she's always been wildly athletic. Below is her interview. Lots of food for thought. Enjoy!
Much love,
The Sheriff


How did you get started with the LFL? What were your initial thoughts about playing for a female football league? How long have you been on the team?

I am a rookie on the Tampa Breeze team & I first heard about it over winter break of last year. My mom actually saw an interview on ESPN of the Philly coach & she told me to maybe check if Tampa had a team because I attended University of Tampa at the time so it would have been perfect. I found their website & followed them throughout the season til they had open tryouts in June.
My first reaction was, "Wow, I gotta lose weight," because every girl on the roster at the time wasn’t over 135lbs so I was thinking to myself that there was no way these girls can be athletes looking like skinny rails. But I decided to pursue the tryouts because football is something I have always wanted to do especially when you’re allowed to hit and tackle.

What do you like about it? Is there anything you don't like?

There really isn’t much I can say that I don’t like about it. I like the fact that it’s real football, it’s real 7v7 tackle football...you can hit, tackle, jump, smack, trip, do whatever it takes to get a girl down. I have played sports my whole life and I have never had a rush in any game like I have when I’m playing this sport, I absolutely love it.
A personal dislike about it is the whole modeling side, the glitz and glamour. It’s cool and all to get photos taken and see yourself on TV, but it’s just not me. I’m an athlete not a model, so I represent myself as an athlete rather than a model. But those are the two sides of it: football and modeling.
Also personally, I would rather wear a more covered uniform, but when I’m out there playing, the uniform is the last thing on my mind. My mind set is on the girl across me rather than what I look like in the uniform. The uniform and shoulder pads given to us for game days aren’t too safe either. Our whole team wears thigh high socks to cover up at least half of our legs, but we are playing on turf and turf burn does occur frequently. I still have a huge open burn on my knee from almost a month ago now and a scar from one on my stomach. Plus, the first game I dislocated my shoulder and was sent to the hospital because the pads they give us are nothing but shells sitting on top of our shoulders. So if they want to keep it real, mean, dirty, tackle football they got to start worrying about our safety when it comes to pads and covering us up.

Is there good team comraderie?

Our team is pretty close, my current roommate is also my team mate. I just met these girls a couple of months ago but I have gotten pretty close to some of them and I definitely love going to practice to see everyone. We have fun but we also work hard. But again, I’m playing on an all girls team, everyone knows how girls are and how petty some of them can be but that’s the point of playing on a team…if there wasn't drama, practice could get boring haha. Plus every team has those certain individuals who are not team players and tend to just play for themselves but I don’t let any of that get to me. 95% of our team plays for each other and I’d have it no other way.


How are the fans?

The fans are great. Whether they are out there checking us out or actually watching football doesn’t get to me as long as they are having fun. I mean I used to go to football games or baseball games just to see who was hot or not in the games, so I’m not going to judge someone for something I have done myself. They do support us a lot but we could always use more and need more support. I have two different facebooks now to keep my football life separate from my personal life because promoting is a BIG thing in this league. If we don’t promote then the fans don’t come along then we go off the air and lose the league. The league is still semi-new and I feel that it is only getting bigger and better, so I am excited to see what the future holds for us.

What's the training like? Are there a lot of demands on your time?

The training isn’t anything I’m personally not used to but if you haven’t played a competitive sport at some point in your life, it might come off real intense. I played two sports in college for the last four years so I came into tryouts in semi-good shape but from June til now, my shape has only gotten better. All of our coaches have experience in the NFL so they know what they are talking about and they certainly know how to train us. It’s definitely not a joke but because we only do practice three times a week, you would have to do outside training yourself if you want to get better. I personally do all my training during the week (Mon-Fri), which includes lifting, running, eating healthy & practicing football. But then on the weekends, it’s "me" time, I relax, recover and eat whatever I want. It keeps me busy all the time, just like a job, which I love. So the training is definitely no joke, but to me it could always get harder :)

Do you have any obligations aside from games/practices/trainings?

Yes, we have photo shoots and promotions and advertising and all that good stuff. It’s nothing crazy though, we have only had 3 photo shoots since I started playing, a couple of promotions here and there, and we have team posters and flyers all around the city of Tampa. We are doing the best we can to let the people know what the LFL is and what it is we really do.


What do you think about the uniforms?

The question about the uniforms is always asked haha. Like I said before, I’m not thinking about what I’m wearing when I’m running around in the game trying to compete and win. We only wear the uniforms game days, so it’s not like I have it hanging ready for me to put on. They keep all uniforms and have them for us on game days. One major thing I do not like about them for sure is that they are one size fits all. This kind of just makes me laugh that they actually think every girl on our team is built the same and will fit in the uniforms perfectly, but it’s just something we got to deal with. I know among the girls, we have thought of better ideas on what to wear and still look "cute" while playing, but again, the league is still new and we're hoping some things change but if not, it’s fine, I don’t think it could get much worse at least.

cheerful shiny healthy relationships

I have a confession to make: I've realized the content on here has gotten considerably less raunchy (and probably less funny too...sad face!) since I've been in a committed relationship with Meatball. Part of this is simply because the blog has matured a little bit, as has my writing style and the content along with it. Furthermore, there are only so many articles you can do on things like anal sex before it becomes redundant (didn't think anal could be redundant? You were wrong). I've found more social issues to attack and juicer discussions when I'm not merely blogging about the nitty gritty of my sexual encounters, past and present, but about broader issues of sexism and feminism. But, admittedly, a large piece of the decrease in sexy time content is because I actually care about Meatball's reaction to what I write about our sex life. And as it is something we share, I have to ponder a little longer about what I write about us, how it might be perceived by him and others, etc.

I also haven't written a significant amount about our relationship because it simply seems like gloating (which I will indulge in right now anyway). We have fantastic sex. There's a lot of trust. We do disgustingly cute things together, like visiting aquariums and carving pumpkins (and also sexy things, like when I finally give him his birthday striptease...which will maybe generate raunchier content! Win all around). He's great at encouraging me, and best of all, he tries to be really helpful and understanding of my eating disorder without also enabling me or allowing me to ditch recovery when it sucks. It's pretty close to perfect.

But all of this gloating has a point.

One of my younger readers asked a great question: how do you tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships?

In high school health class, we only briefly breezed over this, mostly highlighting the obvious ones (physical, sexual, and verbal abuse) without examining what a great relationship looks like. And this is important: relationships have a HUGE effect on your emotional well-being. Sometimes, the line between healthy and unhealthy is blurry, especially when looked at through the lens of teenage dramas and the like, where the male love interest does creepy things that are labeled as "cute" instead of "possibly dangerous" like breaking into your house to watch you sleep or calling/leaving messages repeatedly. When this is seen as merely being persistent instead of a warning sign, it's not that surprising that it's hard to understand what's healthy and what isn't.

And that's to say nothing of how even totally rational people can begin to act slightly ridiculous (or at least want to) when in the beginning infatuation stage of love, when you truly believe that the sun shines out of their ass and all you want to do is be around them, beaming at each other in post-coital bliss (okay, Meatball and I still do that sometimes).

So here's my basic guide. I'm still figuring it out too (by no means is this an exhaustive list, for either side)!

Healthy:
-Is generally kind and respectful in both language and behavior; willing to apologize when they're not
-Does not use sex as a weapon (either withholding it or forcing it upon their partner). Agrees to use protection when asked.
-Willing to experiment, adjust, and compromise to make sex fulfilling and safe for both parties
-NEVER physically abusive. EVER (this is not one to compromise on, kids)
-Gives you space to do your own thing
-Expresses affection (I know this differs for everyone to the degree where they feel comfortable, but as Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Figure out how much affection you need, and communicate it to them clearly)
-Has hobbies, interests, and friends outside of you
-Doesn't try to constrain YOUR hobbies, interests, or friends so that you can spend more time with them
-Speaks clearly and without deceit; doesn't try to manipulate you
-Makes you feel good, in general and about yourself

Unhealthy:
-Makes you do things you are uncomfortable with, sexually or otherwise
-Makes you feel bad if you refuse to comply with their desires
-Raises a hand to harm you
-Discounts your ideas
-Relies solely on you for emotional support and guidance
-Attempts to limit your contact with friends or your hobbies in order to spend more time with you
-Manipulates you (usually manifested when they know your "pushbutton" issues and activate them just to make you upset)
-Discourages you or verbally puts you down in any way
-Unwilling to compromise


Any additions to the list, wise readers?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the sheriff ponders polyamory

The ideal of "true love" being with just one person, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, always confounded me a little bit. Isn't it a little scary and maybe even stupid to put all your emotional and sexual eggs in one basket (sexual eggs? Just roll with it)? To imagine that this one individual can satisfy you in every way, forever and always, seems to be an act of extreme hope and idealism, and I think that's why people keep returning to it. But that's also why, at least on a theoretical level, I can see why some folks are attracted to polyamory.

Polyamory is usually defined as the practice of having more than one romantic/sexual relationship at once (and it is also not recognized by my spellcheck...but neither are classism, heteronormative, or transgender!). On the surface level, this just sounds like someone who needs to reel it in a little bit, or maybe they've just got some control issues or daddy didn't love them enough or whatever. But, done right, for some people, it is a great and much more emotionally sustainable system than monogamy.

But for it to be that, it's got to honest, consensual, and responsible. I read Open by Jenny Block last winter, and it gave me a lot to chew on and think about. She got married, imagining she'd be with one dude forever and ever, but slowly began to realize that it wasn't for her, not sexually and definitely not emotionally. Interestingly, while she has a girlfriend, her husband has not seen other people or really indulged in the open half of the relationship, which prompts me to add another trait to the list of necessary factors to make it healthy: mutuality. It sets up a strange power dynamic, to me, if one person indulges their desires with others while their partner, for whatever reason, doesn't. Maybe I just feel that way because it happened to me.

My last relationship, with Beefcake, ended in a really horrible way. We were both intelligent enough people and had been together long enough to know each other's emotional states pretty thoroughly. We'd always had threesomes and I was nearly always down to try anything he suggested, but it reached a point where that wasn't enough: he insisted on being able to sleep with other women. The alternative was to end the relationship as I was beginning treatment for my eating disorder. I felt like I needed him, and made the most regrettable choice of my life: I said yes to an open relationship.

It didn't improve anything. It only made things more amplified and worse all around. When he told me he'd had sex with someone else for the first time, it was while I was driving the 300 miles to PA to see him. I had to pull over on the side of the road to cry, I was sobbing so hard. After that, he continued to sleep with other people, but began lying to me about it. It was an absolute disaster. But, there are plenty of people out there for whom this is the right choice, and when responsibly done with honesty, consent and mutuality, it can be an alternative for someone who doesn't fit into our model that accepts only two partners.

While I cannot recommend polyamory to anyone, as it definitely did not do my life any favors, I think it raises some really great questions about the nature of monogamy that are worth exploring. Can one person really be your everything? Should they? Is it an ideal to aim for, or a broken institution intent on monitoring female sexuality? Or is it hard, but worth fighting for with the right individual? Talk it up!

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS-HAPPY COMING OUT DAY!