I have a confession to make: I've realized the content on here has gotten considerably less raunchy (and probably less funny too...sad face!) since I've been in a committed relationship with Meatball. Part of this is simply because the blog has matured a little bit, as has my writing style and the content along with it. Furthermore, there are only so many articles you can do on things like anal sex before it becomes redundant (didn't think anal could be redundant? You were wrong). I've found more social issues to attack and juicer discussions when I'm not merely blogging about the nitty gritty of my sexual encounters, past and present, but about broader issues of sexism and feminism. But, admittedly, a large piece of the decrease in sexy time content is because I actually care about Meatball's reaction to what I write about our sex life. And as it is something we share, I have to ponder a little longer about what I write about us, how it might be perceived by him and others, etc.
I also haven't written a significant amount about our relationship because it simply seems like gloating (which I will indulge in right now anyway). We have fantastic sex. There's a lot of trust. We do disgustingly cute things together, like visiting aquariums and carving pumpkins (and also sexy things, like when I finally give him his birthday striptease...which will maybe generate raunchier content! Win all around). He's great at encouraging me, and best of all, he tries to be really helpful and understanding of my eating disorder without also enabling me or allowing me to ditch recovery when it sucks. It's pretty close to perfect.
But all of this gloating has a point.
One of my younger readers asked a great question: how do you tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships?
In high school health class, we only briefly breezed over this, mostly highlighting the obvious ones (physical, sexual, and verbal abuse) without examining what a great relationship looks like. And this is important: relationships have a HUGE effect on your emotional well-being. Sometimes, the line between healthy and unhealthy is blurry, especially when looked at through the lens of teenage dramas and the like, where the male love interest does creepy things that are labeled as "cute" instead of "possibly dangerous" like breaking into your house to watch you sleep or calling/leaving messages repeatedly. When this is seen as merely being persistent instead of a warning sign, it's not that surprising that it's hard to understand what's healthy and what isn't.
And that's to say nothing of how even totally rational people can begin to act slightly ridiculous (or at least want to) when in the beginning infatuation stage of love, when you truly believe that the sun shines out of their ass and all you want to do is be around them, beaming at each other in post-coital bliss (okay, Meatball and I still do that sometimes).
So here's my basic guide. I'm still figuring it out too (by no means is this an exhaustive list, for either side)!
Healthy:
-Is generally kind and respectful in both language and behavior; willing to apologize when they're not
-Does not use sex as a weapon (either withholding it or forcing it upon their partner). Agrees to use protection when asked.
-Willing to experiment, adjust, and compromise to make sex fulfilling and safe for both parties
-NEVER physically abusive. EVER (this is not one to compromise on, kids)
-Gives you space to do your own thing
-Expresses affection (I know this differs for everyone to the degree where they feel comfortable, but as Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Figure out how much affection you need, and communicate it to them clearly)
-Has hobbies, interests, and friends outside of you
-Doesn't try to constrain YOUR hobbies, interests, or friends so that you can spend more time with them
-Speaks clearly and without deceit; doesn't try to manipulate you
-Makes you feel good, in general and about yourself
Unhealthy:
-Makes you do things you are uncomfortable with, sexually or otherwise
-Makes you feel bad if you refuse to comply with their desires
-Raises a hand to harm you
-Discounts your ideas
-Relies solely on you for emotional support and guidance
-Attempts to limit your contact with friends or your hobbies in order to spend more time with you
-Manipulates you (usually manifested when they know your "pushbutton" issues and activate them just to make you upset)
-Discourages you or verbally puts you down in any way
-Unwilling to compromise
Any additions to the list, wise readers?
Much love,
The Sheriff
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