tow truck thoughts.

The Sheriff has had a rough (last!) first week of classes. Classes themselves are fine. But everything else? Not so much. First was an intense flu-like illness that Meatball and I shared that incapacitated me for three days. But I kept my head up, excited to go see my best friend at Bard College on Friday night and then to my parents' house in PA for my mama's surprise 50th birthday party.

And then my ancient car (we're talkin' OLD, as in 1990 Honda Accord...my car is legal to drink!) decided to not start back up again after I made took a quick break to pee in Lee, MA. I spent my Friday afternoon and early evening talking to AAA and getting towed back to Midas to negotiate. I was not pleased.

Odd thing in all this was how nice to me people were. Now mind you, I am used to epic car trouble (especially, for some reason, on the way to Bard). I do not cry or get flustered or play the "I'm just a single white female and I'm so confused by MACHINERY!" role. But strangers in the parking lot, men and women, came over to try to help. Even though I knew it wasn't the battery, some dude insisted on giving my car a jump. Another man offered various opinions on what the trouble might be and even offered to call his AAA for me until I assured him mine worked fine too.

the sheriff, with car trouble.

The tow truck driver was enormously friendly, and kept apologizing for the fact that my car had picked a bad time (a Friday afternoon) to break down. When we got to Midas, once the manager told me there was no hope in fixing in that night, he personally offered me a ride home even after I told him I lived less than a mile away. He also offered to pay the six bucks in tolls that I owed the tow truck driver (who eventually insisted himself that he give me a ride back to Albright).

I could not help but think this behavior, while certainly coming from the kindness of their hearts, is cued and intensified by certain social markers I exhibit. I'm a white, blonde, young female. I'm reasonably pleasant looking, and very small (I recently realized that my floor lamp is taller than me. Problems). I was alone. I have no bling on my left hand. I was well-dressed for the weather in a wool coat and a scarf (definitely rockin' the yuppie look, compared to the driver in his John Deer hoodie). My car was old, but otherwise there were no overt signs that I might be on the lower end of the economic scale.

no mechanic really looks like this...

All of this creates a picture and an expected social outcome in people's minds: I'm not a threat. I'm not a criminal. I need their help. I deserve their help. I wonder if their behavior would've been different if I'd been dressed in shabbier clothes, if I'd not been white, if I'd been older, if I'd been a man (god forbid a black man). I wonder how much of our social interactions are driven by these cues and how we interpret them.

Or maybe all of these people were just being truly kind, seeing a lone driver experiencing car issues on a cold day and their reactions weren't even a little bit influenced by my skin tone, gender, size, looks. Seeing as I can't change those things just for the sake of a social experiment, I'll never know and can only wonder.

Just some pondering thoughts. Have you ever noticed yourself modifiying your behavior towards someone like this? Do you imagine that people do it to you?

Much love,
The Sheriff

link city up in here

This article speaks to one of my guilty pleasures: being a feminist obsessed with Mormon mommy blogs. Don't judge!

Breast implants linked to rare type of cancer? Oh good.

Warning: you could be pre-pregnant!

50 Positive Affirmations! 

Interesting but I'm not in total agreement: The sexual cost of female success.

Don't apologize before you say something: Do women begin more questions with "sorry" than men"

Read it and believe it, ya'll!

What Kermit Gosnell's horrifying abortion clinic in Philly has to teach us. Good shit.

How to beat a case of the uglies.

The unexamined racial dynamics (which got overshadowed by all of us being angry about the sexist dynamics!) of Kanye's "Monster" video.

word.

Much love,
The Sheriff

how not to be That Girl (no, not that one)

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I'm sure you (I'm talking to my Smithies now, though surely other colleges have this phenomenon) have heard of and encountered That Girl in your classes: she constantly raises her hand, talks slooowly, loves the sound of her own voice, says ridiculous shit, and, perhaps worst of all, corrects the professor (but NOT in a helpful way). But today I'm talking about the more common That Girl on our campus: the one who looks stressed, who seems like a zombie, who always seems to be whining about how much work she has. We've all been her at times, but guys? No one likes to be around her. So here's how to not be That Girl and how to have an amazing semester.

--Get a head start now. I do this with every class, every semester: get a head start on those readings NOW. Work at least a class ahead so that if something unexpected comes up (illness, friend has a break up and needs support, frat party), you are still not behind. Which means you won't be pulling all-nighters and being a cranky bitch.

--Take care of yourself. I know college is not particularly a time of prime healthy habits for most of us because we have youth on our side: our bodies can function amazingly well given the amount of abuse they sustain from lack of sleep, caffeine consumption, alcoholic indulgences, sedentary hours in class, and shitty dining hall food/late night PizzaAmore deliciousness. But I promise that you will feel so much more amazing if you a) sleep enough (you know what you need, I can't preach...plus I go to bed mad early as I am supremely boring), b) eat something green at least once a day (I know there is always salad available, no excuses ya'll!), c) take advantage of the free gym/Get Fit Smith classes. Movement feels so good (the walk from the Quad to class doesn't count), d) maybe consider cutting back on the caffeine. Research shows it has bad side effects (duh), but also that it doesn't have as much of an effect on your memory/alertness when you're indulging daily. I would offer some advice on not boozing it up, but that's futile: if you want to, do it safely and smart is all I advise (pace yourself, drink water, don't do shots, etc.).

--Have an orgasm every day. With a friend, by yourself, whatever. Just do it. You'll be amazed how much happier and calm you are (and how much better you sleep!). Oh My, as always, has the best selection. You can also shop online (Drugstore.com has an adult toy section, and you can also buy them on Amazon.com, if you're shy about the mail lady knowing you just bought a dildo).

--Remember that you're in control. What? Yes. I don't care if that sounds new-agey because it's true. Especially at Smith, you choose the extent to which you (over) extend yourself. You pick your classes, and you determine your study habits (which will in turn influence if you need to panic at finals or if you're actually well-prepared just by staying on top of your shit). You're not some powerless pawn at this school!

--When you study, really go for it. An hour of actually doing your reading/studying your flashcards is far more potent and helpful than sitting in the Rec Room (ahem) for ages talking to people/checking Facebook while you're "trying" to study. Here's some fantastic tips on maximizing your productivity so you can do work, get shit done, and then go have fun.

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--Quit yer bitching. No one likes to be around someone negative, and by dwelling on how busy you/how little sleep you've had/whatever (which are often due to your own choices, as noted above), you keep yourself locked into a cycle of feeling sorry for yourself/unhappy to be here.

--If you truly need help, ask. Sometimes things happen (death in the family, serious illness, mental health problems, what have you) that are truly beyond your control. And you're not alone when that happens. There's tutoring from peers, the QLC for math help, your professors who would've gone to teach at a huge research institution if they didn't want to interact with you, your friends, your Res Life, Counseling Services, the Wellness Office. Smith has a bajillion resources to help Smithies stay happy and healthy and emotionally balanced students: take advantage of them.

--Remember that we live in Paradise. Seriously. College is an amazing and short four years, even if Smith is not perfect, so don't spend it being miserable and complaining.

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Much love,
The Sheriff

hot for teacher?: role play

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I've got a shocking (not really) confession to make: I have never role-played sexually (or otherwise...I was at the bottom of the social totem pole in high school, but I wasn't completely a nerd!). Part of this is because I have a serious condition known as The Giggles that makes me laugh outrageously extremely frequently, which is not really a turn-on when pretending to be someone's hot nurse. Furthermore, I've never had a partner who seemed comfortable with it, and I'm pretty sure Meatball would die of embarrassment if I insisted that we try indulging in a role-play scenario, 'cause he's just cute like that.

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But it's something that intrigues me, interests me, and to be frank, turns me on. The idea of being able to be someone else for a little while, to take on a role or persona that you don't normally inhabit is downright sexy and I think it'd be incredible to try.

source (notice how both women are in the same position..)

BUT. The one thing that bothers me about role-play is that it frequently involves scenarios with a power dynamic differential. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, but it often puts the male figure in the place of control. Scenarios like boss/secretary, stripper/client, erotic photographer/model usually (but not always) place the dude as the one calling the shots. And I don't always like that. Role-play can be a lot more hot and allow you to stretch your comfort zone safely if you're inhabiting a new and different position that you ordinarily are: for many hetero women, that means switching from being the more passive partner to initiating sex and taking control of what happens during in an active way. And obviously within same-sex couples, it allows for some awesome possible experimentation for both partners. Role-play can actually be really subversive AND hot, which is a total two-for-one, ya'll.

Have you ever role-played? Any interest in it, or are you too prone to giggling as I am? Are the gendered dynamics a turn-off, or turn-on?

Much love,
The Sheriff

men who want to wait: double standard?

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I'm sorry my titles suck so much lately. At the beginning, a lot of them were funny and witty (I thought so anyway!), and now I just find myself going, "Well, it's about men who want to wait and double standards soo....BOOM, title." If you have a better suggestion, please leave it in the comments! I'll take anything. F'real. Onto the post!

A few days ago, some friends and I were talking about how our mutual pal is lucky to have found a guy who is patient and happy to wait for her comfort level with sexual activity to increase. He's not pushy and seems to really like and care for her, waiting several months (so far) to Do It.

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Then I reversed the scenario: could I wait several months for The Sex with a male partner? Between the three of us, we all conceded that we couldn't (or, more accurately, wouldn't) wait that long. We laughed about how much we just plain love penetration, and on a more legit note, I consider sex to be an extremely important part of my romantic relationships (shocking, ain't it?). But I began to think about this, and realized if I were a man making that kind of statement about a female partner (give it up in a month, or I'm bouncing), I'd be kinda a serious douchebag (side note: I've already realized if I were a man, I'd probably be a dick and act like the guys on Jersey Shore. Except I'm not Italian).

For females, I consider the right to say a loud enthusiastic "YES" or a strong and simple "NO" to every sexual encounter to be extremely empowering and a basic right, and I have had no trouble respecting sexual limits with women. Men are, of course, are endowed with that same right to say no. But is it a double standard that I would not be willing to wait for or be patient with a male partner in the same way that I would with a female? I think it is. I think it also indicates some cultural conditioning that sex is just "not a big deal" for men in the way that it can be for some women, and that on some level I've bought into the cultural myth that men want pussy always and forever, and that their desire to wait is somehow strange or less legitimate than a woman's. Regardless, everyone should have the right to state and stick to their limits without any sway or pressure, and I need to be a leeeeetle more conscious of the way I perceive male sexuality.

Whatcha think? Am I just a dick or is this something you've found yourself thinking too?

Much love,
The Sheriff

mo' friday links

This blog (scroll to the bottom of the page) has lots of links for self-love. Always a good way to start the weekend!

On Nudity by Mary Louise Parker. Good stuff!

I'm grateful for my eating disorder.

What are college students actually learning? This is a really interesting look into the (not so much) rigor of our colleges. All I gotta say is, they clearly weren't looking at Smithies: even my "easy" classes have had more then 40 pages of reading per week and well over 20 written pages per semester. 

Have you seen Toddlers and Tiaras? It's horrifying. Hence why I love this open letter to cancel it!

Why are Japanese teens/married couples losing interest in sex?

I love RBG. 

How feminism and Betty Friedan's work were good for the institution of marriage.

Fired for being trans in an educational setting.

How to love yourself now. 

Here's a list of amazing groups and resources dedicated to empowering girls and teens (perhaps some eventual employers of the Sheriff?). Seriously awesome stuff!

OMG SO EFFING CUTE!

If you love your partner but don't see a future, is there a point? 

Aside from the fact that they just look amazing and I want one, I think it's really cool that this Etsy seller takes exotic dancer shoes and uses them as planters as a sort of commentary on beauty.

This year's Miss America (who is a BABY at just 17 years old!) plans to focus on eating disorder prevention and eradication. I'm curious to see her action plan in a more concrete form, but yay awareness!

Beauty Schooled tackles feminism and weight loss resolutions.

The darker side of the Peace Corps (and perhaps all international work): gang rapes and calls for help by female participants go ignored. Sad, but good reading.

Much love,
The Sheriff

guest post!

Hey guys,
I did a guest post today about how I chose recovery over at Voice in Recovery. Check it out!
Much love,
The Sherif