"Sex first, ((maybe)) date later" has been my motto for most of my single college career, and definitely characterizes the college dating scene at large. First of all, it's easier to get laid by a random dude than to get him to take you on a date (though I've had my fair share of Northampton creepers with strange facial hair ask me out). Second of all, for me at least, sex is a very important piece of any burgeoning relationship, and I'd rather know early on if that chemistry just ain't there. Third, that's just the way it goes and it's easier to adjust to the system than to buck it and try to find real romance at beer-soaked parties.
But what bothers me isn't actually about the hookup culture itself, but rather about the response to it by "sexperts." Smith College's Wellness Director (she talks to us about stress, sleep, and orgasms...I WANT HER JOB) has blasted the hookup culture (and she isn't alone as a critic) as being bad for women in particular, dragging out that old standard line that women need more emotional connection and will feel like unfulfilled whores if they're not fucking someone who intends to wife them.
...really? Sigh. First of all, have you seen the BDOCs (Big Dyke On Campus) here? They tear through nubile, naive first years with a vengeance, and seem to have NO sense of remorse or lack of satisfaction or worries that they might be whores. And neither do any of my straight friends who indulge in hookups devoid of meaning here and there.
The only caveat for me (aside from making it safe; don't be stupid, babies and herpes meds are waaaay more expensive than the Pill and a rubber) is that you have to know and accept what you're doing. If you know that, for yourself, you need to have an emotional connection with someone before you get naked in order to maintain your self-respect and to enjoy the sex, congratulations for having that self-knowledge.
But if you, like me, acknowledge that such hookups will likely only end with your carnal needs being met (if you're lucky...), than proceed forth and have a great time. Some hookups can develop into relationships, if that's what you're looking for, but as long you enter into it with no expectations other than a fun time, there's no reason to walk away feeling dissatisfied or used. Don't let archaic, old-school notions of women and our supposed needs get in the way of your pleasure...IF that's what you want and understand the way that it will proceed. Both men and women can get tired of no-strings attached sex, and if you're in that boat, be honest with yourself and the people you date/fuck.
Meaningful sex with someone you love CAN be intensely pleasurable; Beefcake and I tried making love once instead of our usual fast-and-furious fucking, and it was wonderful. But I've also had sex without strings attached that blew my mind. And as I get to know Meatball* (originally just a hookup) better as a real human being, the sex is definitely improving. You can experience the best of both worlds, just not at once (if you find a way, teach me).
Knowing what you want and need and acting in a way congruent with that is one of the best ways to exercise your sexual agency as a woman, whether that means quickie sex in bar bathrooms (still on my bucket list) or sex within a monogamous relationship on a bed of rose petals.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
*Meatball=new, less mocking name for Sharpshooter
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