I started reading a new book today about three women during WWII entitled "The Postmistress." It's historical fiction but still manages to address some intersting gender issues. In the very beginning, one of the women sees a doctor to have him give her a certificate proving the she is virgin. This woman will give the certificate to the guy that she is planning on sleeping with. She thinks that he desperately wants this "assurance." Later, I was watching Wedding Crashers with my mom and at one point, Gloria tells Jeremy that she told him that she was a virgin after they had sex because she thought that that was what he wanted to hear. However, the situation is never reversed. In the movies, tv shows or books, a girl doesn't "get to know" if a guy is a virgin. It's not even a blip on the radar.
I agree that losing your virginity is a pretty big deal. You should have sex for the first time with someone that you trust, and is important to you and everything. But, I also think that society makes it into a bigger deal than it should be. Some people say that a girl losing her virginity is "naturally" a bigger deal than for a guy, but I don't agree. I think that it varies depending on the person. When I lost my virginity, it was a non-issue. I had been dating surfer boy for around six weeks, I liked him, and I wanted to have sex, so we did (after he told me that he wanted to as well). I know that my experience is not the norm. A lot of girls experience pressure or forced sexual encounters or are just uncomfortable losing their virginity for a variety of reasons. But my experience shows that losing your viginity is not "naturally" a more emotional experience for a girl.
I never felt like I "gave away a part of myself." I didn't "lose" anything. Being a virgin was never part of my identify. When I described myself in three words, I usually said "motivated, silly and enthusiastic." Not virgin. I don't want to over-generalize, but none of my friends who lost their virginity in a healthy way said that they felt like they lost anything afterwards. Most of them (including me) are happy that they enjoyed a healthy, positive sex life in high school and afterwards.
The media severly effects the way that teenagers perceive virginity. A guy taking a girls v-card is always a good thing (in the eyes of the guy and his friends) and is generally a bad thing in the eyes of the girl's friends and/or parents. Rarely do the parents and/or friends ask the girl if she wanted to have sex. They usually tell her not to and tell her various reasons that "she's not ready." (For example, check out Gossip Girl: Season 3 about Jenny and her bf) People always talk about "losing it" or how a piece of you is gone. What are you losing??
Again, I totally agree that losing your virginity makes you feel vulnerable and leaves a lot of room for errors. Honestly, I'm not trying to criticize someone's choice to remain a virgin. I am questioning the importance that the media places on teenage girls maintaining their virginity. I say treat the importance of virginity EQUALLY for everyone and let boys and girls make the choice to lose their virginity on the basis of what is good for themselves. (We need comprehensive sex education obvi) Is there any other reason than the general suppression of female sexuality and the patriarchy? Guys, do you care if a girl is virgin or not?
Lots of Love,
Lady Lola aka Katie
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