I gotta admit it: sometimes I, just like everyone else, get my judgment face on. I make unfair assumptions and say unkind things, usually not too often, but it does happen. But Smithies, as a group, seriously need to put this in check.
I have a friend who has a beautiful car that she brought to school with her this year. She left it parked behind another house on campus, and when she came back to it, found a note on it where someone said she was wasteful and called her a perversion (Perversion? Perhaps this person leaving the note does not really belong at Smith, because as far as I understand it, a fancy car has nothing to do with being morally questionable or sexually lecherous). The cowardice of this act, combined with the fact that this individual in question must have a pretty pathetic life if they get so riled up by a car that they need to scrawl their crude feelings out on a little note, pisses me off.
I know I spend a lot of time, ranting (hopefully with eloquence!) on here about things in society and at Smith that strike me as sexist, classist, or otherwise wrong. And while this note-leaver may have been trying to make a statement of a similar nature, they did it in the wrong way. My friend is a lovely person, is not wasteful, and while she may come from a background of privilege, the person leaving the note didn't know that: they assumed based on certain social markers that can be very misleading.
Similarly, during res life training, an international student chewed me out for saying I thought some Smith's students attitudes towards being hell-bent on getting straight As were unhealthy. She said, "You don't know their circumstances. What if my father sold all his cows so I could attend here and I must get As to make him proud? Not all of us are so lucky as to not worry about grades."
But she also made an assumption right back at me, that I was privileged enough to have parents writing checks left and right to support my education as I make mediocre grades. Which is bullshit. I've paid for my own education, through loans, hard work, multiple part time jobs, and I get great grades. I have been that angry person, cutting coupons to buy cheap mascara at CVS while housemates went to department stores and dropped more on their cosmetics than I could for the entire month. I've gritted my teeth when students I presumed had pampered lives because they didn't have to work at college complained about being stressed while I was working 40 hours a week and carrying a full course load. I've seethed quietly when they complained about their lack of sleep when I was scraping by on four hours and had to go care for someone else's children. But you know what? All that anger never got me anywhere. I had to begin talking to people about it and accepting that no matter how pissed off I was, it wasn't going to give me anymore money or free time or take away theirs.
Point being? Quit making assumptions. Talk to people. Get to know them for who they really are. Subordinate identities, gender identity, mental illnesses, economic class, disabilities, sexual orientation--these things aren't immediately apparent. Your connections with people will be richer, your friendships better, and (honestly, though it sounds cheesy) your life more peaceful if you just take off your judgment face, and hear people out for who they are.
Much love,
The Sheriff
This is probably me being judgmental, but the validity of the note-leaver's concerns depends, to me, on what you mean by "a beautiful car." A classic car that she and her mom spent years fixing up, for which she worked an extra job in high school so she could pay for parts? That's one thing. A brand new Lexus or whatever it is wealthy parents are buying their kids these days as a high school graduation present? Ehhhh I just don't see any justification for driving a car like that. That doesn't mean I'm going to leave a note telling the driver that I feel that way, but I do think people with privilege in any area need to just deal with their privilege being pointed out sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt's best to withhold judgment until you know all of the circumstances, of course, but there is a bit of a difference between making negative assumptions about a person based on a perceived identity that is oppressed/marginalized and one that is privileged.
I don't think you need "justification" to drive any type of car, unless it's completely outrageous. A Ferrari that you park right outside of Seelye? Outrageous. A Lexus that you park in a spot like a normal person? Not outrageous. Some people can afford a Lexus; it doesn't make them a bad person. Driving that Lexus like an asshole makes them a bad person. :P Not every wealthy, privileged person is automatically a douchebag.
ReplyDeleteI don't think wealthy people are automatically douchebags. There are awesome people who come from wealthy families, but they aren't ostentatious about it. Driving a Lexus is, to me, ostentatious. That doesn't mean every person who drives one is a jerk: maybe she inherited it when her mom died and it has sentimental value, so she doesn't want to get rid of it. There are reasons, I guess, to own and drive such a car, but... in my mind there aren't that many reasons that outweigh the negative message one sends when driving a car like that.
ReplyDeleteGranted I'm a little bitter about fancy cars in particular because my last boss spent the same on his lease as what I made teaching public high school. And I was actually pretty highly paid for a public school teacher. He owned other cars. He could have driven one of them instead and saved someone from getting laid off. He could have started a scholarship fund and paid for someone's first year of college (at a pricey school) every year.
I realize that not everyone who drives a Lexus is as wealthy as this guy, but it's worth thinking about this question: If I sold this car and drove something simpler and older instead, what good could I do with the money I'd save? I don't know what the note-writer meant by "wasteful," but I do think driving a fancy car is wasteful in this respect.
I think the note on the car was silly, but I also agree with Adrienne that it is okay sometimes to note people's privilege to them. As a fellow student who is working and carrying the full burden of my college education myself, I get a little fired up by peers at times.
ReplyDeleteI have a lovely, dedicated friend who graduated last spring and is planning to do volunteer work for the next year or two. When we talk sometimes she will say things like "I have my whole life to make money" with a hint of judgment, in response to my concern over obtaining gainful employment after graduation. Well that is wonderful for her, and I think she is using her parent's financial support well - but I DON'T have my entire life to make money because I am going to have loans come due a year after I graduate that are wholly my responsibility. Don't even get me started about unpaid internships.
While we shouldn't presume, I do think that there is a relationship between academic success and those of us that either have families making significant sacrifices or are ourselves working burdensome schedules to enable us to be in college (or both). Do you really not think you feel more driven to do well because of the personal investment you are making? I don't think the pressure is necessarily a good thing - you are right that it produces unhealthy obsessions - but it's part of what motivates me.
My dad is from a working class mining family and never got a college degree. He sacrificed a lot to make it possible for me to pursue my interests. He worked nights when I was little so that him and my mom didn't have to put me in daycare with strangers before I could talk. When I was in elementary school and wanted to play hockey, he took on a second job to pay for the expensive gear. I don't think that it is wrong that I feel motivated by all that he gave up for me.
While that international student probably shouldn't have just assumed you were wealthy, I can understand her offering her perspective as a counterbalance to a dialogue that seemed to disregard the position of someone from her background. Because I do think, to a certain degree, that discussions about "choosing the college that's the right fit" or "not worrying about employment, but following your heart!" or "not obsessing about grades over actual learning" often come from a really idealist vantage point and ignore the realities many students face.