I'm a little swamped right now, as I'm preparing to go to California for my oldest sister's wedding, so I'm sure next week, I'll be chock full of reflections on matrimony and sexism (or not, since she's kinda a crazy hippie), but for now, I've got some thoughts about the performativity of sex (I think I just made up that word, but roll with it, please. Also, I don't touch on sex tapes at all here but intend to...soon?).
Sex for women (hell, maybe for men too) sometimes devolves into a performance. The times when you perhaps aren't necessarily interested in gettin' it in, nor are you particularly averse, so you acquiesce to make your partner feel good (no one likes rejection, right?). You're consenting just without delightful enthusiasm. You lie there and make some noises for them while mostly concentrating on the paint chips in the ceiling over their shoulder (described less eloquently as "lying back and taking a dick" or "meat and potatoes sex"), while they labor away and assume they're blowing your mind.
There's something of an expectation now on women that because we have more of the tools (information, sex toys, sexual orientation fluidity, what have you) to enjoy ourselves to the fullest, that we must every time, particularly when a partner's ego is at stake. While I'm thrilled to be with someone who cares about my orgasm, sometimes I feel like Meatball is disappointed when it takes me a while or when I don't squirt. I find myself apologizing for it, which is absurd.
But perhaps that sense of disappointment is a better alternative to faking orgasms (DON'T DO IT, it's like rewarding a puppy for chewing your shoes: they get positive reinforcement for doing the wrong thing) or exaggerating your level of kinkiness to please your partner. I know I pretended to have an interest in anal for Beefcake because I felt like I had to because I was experimental and kinky and that's what kinky experimental girlfriends do, right? I put the performative aspects of my sexuality as a "freak" over my own pleasure, and I'm still pissed off at myself for it.
Being sexually liberated doesn't mean you must have multiples or cum every time (though if you do, that's awesome!). It doesn't mean you have to always be kinky or off the wall in your desires and actions. It means developing an authentic understanding of what you want, quitting the performance and doing what makes your body sing. It might be as small as not faking when he/she expects you to be cumming, but it's still important to develop a real sexual identity, instead of one prescribed for you that feels like an act.
Much love,
The Sheriff
My personal favorite is "lie back and think of England". A better philosophy, though, is "fake it 'til you make it". Sometimes if I'm not really feelin' the love, I pretend I am (I don't mean faking an orgasm). Sooner or later I realize that pretending to be excited has led to being excited for real.
ReplyDeleteAnother (related) problem I see with faking orgasms or enthusiasm is that so many women do it so consistently that I think it gives some guys a false sense of how "good" they are at pleasing women in general. Some guys think that putting it in and pumping back and forth is all they need to do to get any woman off because hey, the last 3 girls seemed ape-shit for it. So it can be confusing to hear from a new woman that she needs a little more attention here, a little less there, because none of the previous women actually spoke up about what they needed.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't plan on sleeping with a person again, it's better for their future sex life and that of their future partners if you give them more tools for their arsenal.
I don't know if I agree that it's ever okay to fake it. I can see the reasons for doing so, but I would be really hurt if I found out a partner was faking pleasure with me. I'd want to know if zie wasn't actually in the mood for it or needed something different.