shift your focus

Sometimes, I feel like men as a aggregate group (or more accurately, the men I come into contact with frequently, which is approximately four plus the homeless folks who talk to me downtown)are making decent progress at this whole not-being-sexist/women-are-really-actually-people-too thing. And sometimes, I'm just really discouraged by how much they don't get it.

One of the hallmarks of a privileged group (in this case, people with penises) is that they have to understand little to nothing about the struggles, obstacles, and day to day life of the subordinated group (women and people presenting as gender variant). Talking with Meatball the other night, this theory vibrantly came to life for me. Somehow we got on the topic of being catcalled, with me explicating how it's NOT actually flattering and really has nothing to do with compliments when it's heinously disgusting proclamations or gestures (just this morning, actually, I was walking to campus center while a man rode slowly next to me, telling me all the nasty things he wanted to do to me, including cumming on my face, while I just tried not to look at him and keep my pace steady while also not running away, not letting him win by disrupting my life). Meatball responded by saying he'd never heard anyone really catcall someone, only guys at parties gesturing to a girl and saying to their buddies, "Hey, check out that."

THAT. That?! Not even "check out this girl," but check out "that." That object. That thing.

I pointed out ("pointed out" makes me sound like I was calm about it, but I'm pretty sure I may have grown a little shrill) that even his little example perfectly illustrated the sexual harassment and sexual objectification that women deal with every day, and that it probably happened all around him constantly, but as a man, he had the privilege to not have to pay attention to it. To not notice that his own language revealed unconscious objectification. To not have the male gaze thrust upon you as soon as you hit puberty. To not notice the men slowly driving by women, honking, throwing game, making commentary, or even just staring.

Women live their lives on a "rape schedule," having a constant awareness of when it's "okay" (and by "okay," I mean the situations in which you won't be victim blamed should you be sexually assaulted) to be walking home, to be at a bar, to wear that skirt, to drink alcohol. Are any of these factors things men have to consider before they go out for a night of fun with their friends? If I'm at a bar, drunk, in a short skirt, does that mean I'm down to fuck? Has a man ever questioned what he's wearing and the message it gives about his sexual availability before heading to a party (can I get a HELL NO)? Despite Noho's reputation for safety, several of my friends and I have admitted to walking home from downtown at night, cell phones out, 911 already dialed should something happen. How is this an acceptable way for women to have to live?

So again, I implore the men who read this blog (and anyone who has a privileged identity: white, straight, wealthy, able-bodied, etc) to check themselves before they dismiss the concerns of women (or any other subordinated group). The fact that it isn't registering on your radar doesn't mean that it doesn't disrupt the daily lives of millions of women.

Much love,
The Sheriff