Right around the debut of this blog, I remember being in a car, driving to what was surely a delightful frat party with some other FF writers, talking about (SURPRISE) sex, and in this case, threesomes with men in particular. When I told them I hadn't found it to be extremely fun (less pampering, more of a seesaw), there was an instant sense of awe, like "ooo, she's actually done this!" Mentioning my bisexuality in mixed company often elicits similar responses: instead of just accepting it as a fact of who I am or asking about my relationships with people of the same gender, the typical reaction (including from MY MAMA) is something like "So you have sex with girls? Wow!" Or, as being bi is seen as a "perk" by most straight men, it turns inevitably to moderately coercive talk about threesomes (men, for the record: the dudes who push for threesomes are rarely the ones who get them!). Although being sexually curious to try new things and pretty open-minded has lead to a lot of orgasms for me and some sexual street-cred, I find myself downplaying that aspect of me so as to not be pigeon-holed as much (and as a busty blonde, it happens often enough without me even opening my mouth).
On the other hand, wanting to perform things seen as "freakier" can lead to feelings of...well, being a freak or unnaturally lustful. Meatball is a fantastic lover, but whenever conversations about sex turn to what we want to try, he always says he's just happy that he gets to have sex with me (aw), whereas I'm more of a "can you spank me, bite my nipples, oh, and maybe lick my ass sometimes?" kind of woman. Though he never complains about what I ask for, I do feel like the pervert. And for people without the healthy sexual attitude of "fuck you" that I've developed, that can lead to feelings of shame or a lack of being able to open up yourself to other people. And that is no way to go through life.
So what can we do? Maybe work on not making assumptions or classifying things as quickly as we might be tempted to. Being open-minded.
What say you? Have you ever run into this?
Much love,
The Sheriff
I feel ya on feeling like the pervert. I think perception has really affected my sex life--as I get older and more experienced sexually, I begin to realize that the expectation that the man will always be asking for sex and the woman is the one who determines whether or not it happens, is in fact not always met. I've actually found myself being disappointed that this stereotypical "male" sex drive isn't really present in my current relationship, and often feel like a horndog for even wanting to have sex at all. On the other hand, sex is generally more work for him, so I understand that it's sometimes purely based on physical energy level....we're working on it. I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge the way we perceive sex and certain sexual profiles. As long as the conversation is open, we're on the right track :)
ReplyDeleteObviously, as a man I am expected to be more sexually aggressive and curious, so my rather intense sexual proclivities are rarely reacted to as strongly as it would if I were a woman. When I tell girls what I'm into, a surprising amount admit to at least thinking about the same thing, although few of them have tried. This is because women who are sexually aggressive are viewed negatively, and women are taught not to try new things in bed, but to merely let their partner lead the way. As a result, I have had to bring a lot of girls out of their shells, and only recently have I started playing with a girl who is more experienced than I am.
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