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A weekend at any campus other than Smith reveals the deep and enduring bonds between college weekends of stressed students eager for release, sex, and alcohol. Our rules for boozin' it are fairly restrictive but most people respect them or break them discreetly enough that it's a non-issue (and as a Head Resident, I sincerely appreciate that...keep on keepin' on, sneaky drinkers). Of course, our campus is largely composed of women who were far too nerdy to do much drinking in high school and so learn their limits here (Sheriff included), so these rules do keep it relatively safe, especially for n00bs.
Other campuses are decidedly not like this. I visited Bard College this weekend to see my best friend during Bard's bacchanalian spring fling. It was a blast, but also a little unnerving, watching ambulances cart multiple people off. And of course, lots of people wandering off for more private locations, which got me thinking about booze/substances, consent, and sex.
General Lee has written about this topic before, and he makes a lot of great recommendations about how to be sure you're doin' it and hooking up with intentionality and consent. But boozey encounters are so ingrained in college (and from my limited glimpses so far, the Real World is full of alcohol-fueled sex too), I figured it was worth looking at again.
Obviously, no one who is obliterated can give consent. This hardly needs to be stated, and my deep hope is that only an absolutely tiny minuscule percentage of any population would think that someone who has been vomiting or can barely stand is in any shape to decide if they want to have sex. But what of the less fucked-up among us> It's unrealistic to think if your intended object of lust (or yourself) has had two drinks that you shouldn't go for it, simply because that's how the majority of the college-age demographic spends their weekends (except for perhaps the cape girls here at Smith. Wanna seduce them? You're on your own. I have no advice for that realm). Even better is the fact that alcohol makes you bolder: it's easier to act on the gut instinct and go for it, to say what you want without censorship after a shot or two. The alcohol-fueled mingling of warm bodies feels really incredible, and it's fun when it's done within reasonable range of drunkeness.
Except that often, it's not. I've had my fair share of sex I barely remember (damn my small stature of love of whiskey!) and even when I know it was consensual, it still feels bad the next day to have banged and not be able to recall the details. It feels weird. Maybe even dirty. And for many men and women, being tipsy is all they need to forget to use protection, to get swept up in the sloppy passion, and BAM you've got a STI or a pregnancy scare on your hands. College is notorious for the morning after regret vibe, which while I've yet to fully experience, is a pretty common Smith phenomenon thanks to Smith Goggles (a condition under which straight women here take the first hetero man to cross their path for want of other options. Ladies, you can do so much better than that gangly freshman from UMass!). Worse yet is perhaps that you're not entirely sure the other person wanted what occurred between you: as General Lee put it, nothing is less sexy than rape, and alcohol consumption by either party fuels the possibility of assault, a fact that is unfortunate given its benefits.
So all my ladies (and men) drinking and banging: be aware. Count your drinks. Count your hookup partner's drinks too. And don't be afraid to postpone the pleasure if you think either of you is too drunk to give consent or find it enjoyable. I promise, the sex will be way better that way! Consent and agency are hot.
Have you ever had a booze-fueled hookup? Or a night you regretted later? Talk to me.
Much love,
The Sheriff
I gotta say, not such a fan of this post, Sheriff -- I found Smith's alcohol culture to be restrictive, unrealistic, shaming for those that did drink, and generally engendering some pretty dangerous situations at parties. No safe-haven rule? No kegs allowed on campus? Literally pouring leftover booze out after parties? It made parties prohibitively expensive, so there weren't enough of them, and given how hard Smithies work, that outlet was necessary, I found. Smith admin has a truly messed up relationship with it's student body (as the current transgender students/admissions office PR problem shows), where the school simultaneously infanitilizes students and tells them that they are independent people who can make their own choices. (Plus, not cool to call us "nerdy," and definitely not cool to say Smith is "largely composed of women who were far too nerdy to do much drinking in high school and so learn their limits here (Sheriff included), so these rules do keep it relatively safe, especially for n00bs." This is factually wrong, and I argue Smith is less safe because of this -- again, infantilizing -- attitude.)
ReplyDelete(Sorry, this is Julia from The Epic Adventurer -- I'm logged in in the generic account! I don't like commenting anonymously!)
ReplyDeleteSmith does have a safe haven rule, and has since my sophomore year (which was 2008-2009). And based on the research our current wellness director Emily Nagoski has done, most Smithies don't drink before they come to campus, or when they're here. Less than half of Smith's campus drinks more than once a month, according to the stats Nagoski collected and shared with Res Life and other campus leaders the past two years.
ReplyDeleteBut! I do think Smith's rules are restrictive and not necessarily realistic.