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And for the first time, the romance involves someone not of my race.
I'm currently seeing a half Black, half Arab man who, although light-skinned, is clearly Not White, and that's what matters when it comes to how people perceive and react to us.
I've been lucky by mistake of birth to be white and because I was raised in a vastly white woodsy town, totally unaware of race. Sure, I was raised to be not racist and to accept everyone regardless of skin color and all that happy stuff. But I've never had to read "specialty" magazines to find women in ads who look like me; my hair care products are carried everywhere; no one ever asks me how people of my entire racial group feel about rap lyrics or our president or affirmative action. Although I care very much about hearing different perspectives, in feminism and in general, it's not something I'd ever been equipped to give voice to in this here blog as a white chick generally dating/kissing/fucking white dudes (and sometimes white women).
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And now, I have a slightly more enlightened perspective (but, to be real, still extremely limited) on how much racial relations in this country suck. White people--we really are clueless.
I know most people don't think we are post-racial just because we got Obama in the White House (but this song is still pretty good). But I thought we had made some progress at least since the Civil Rights Era, right? Maybe? Just a little?
But you wouldn't really know it, the way people act towards an unknown large brown man walking around with a small blonde woman. People stare. And I don't mean just gawk the way kids do; I mean stare with a touch of nastiness or confusion in it. We tried to go out to breakfast at a local joint in my woodsy sweet hometown, and it was not sweet. He felt so uncomfortable, we just left. My seemingly progressive parents have had similarly baffling experiences; for the first time ever, my mama talked to me about dating violence and not putting up with it, as if he's some sort of larger threat because he's got brown skin. We get the stares walking around in black communities too.
Crazy.
Have you experienced this, either as a minority yourself or while dating one? Tell me about it, I've missed you!
Much love,
The Sheriff
Interracial dating and "staring": I think it really depends on the races in question as well as the sex of the couple (and of course, part of the country/world one is in). As an Asian female married to a white male living in Toronto, NO ONE STARES. In fact, people don't even care. There are so many of us that we just blend in. We've had the same experience in New York, Vancouver, Montreal, London, Hong Kong and even Paris. Honestly, I don't even know if people would stare if the sexes were reversed (at least not in Toronto or Vancouver). But then again, I've only ever lived in big cities or college towns where things like this are more common.
ReplyDeleteOn specialty magazines: I never read them either (not only because I can't read Chinese, but the women in Chinese magazines are fair skinned and more "Chinese-looking." Does not help this girl who is frequently mistaken to be Filipina (if I had a dime for every time someone asked me that, I'd be sporting Louboutins by now). East Asian women tend to use "white" hair care products, so I didn't have to worry about not being able to find shampoos/conditioners at the drug store. Make-up (well, foundation, anyway) was another issue when it came to drugstore brands, but many European women of Mediterranean descent would have had similar issues. I think one mistake that a lot of people, particularly Americans, make is that when they think "minority," being black is default. And this isn't just white people, but anyone who isn't Hispanic or Asian. Clothing (and shoes) in general, is another story. But that's more of a size thing than ethnicity (though East Asians ARE more likely to be size 0 or wear shoes smaller than a 6 than other ethnic groups).
On being "uncomfortable" in general: Not me, but my husband had never really been in places that were frequented primarily by Asian (actually, Cantonese-speaking Chinese) clientele. When we first started going out, he made a comment about being a visible minority for the first time in his life when he went to one of my family's favourite restaurants (this was also when he tried "real" Chinese food for the first time. He now loves it and can tell the difference between the "real" stuff and the Americanized/Canadianized food (which is different from "fusion"). I've never really thought about being a minority or NOT being one. Not even in places that are primarily or even overwhelmingly white (I'm a member of several groups that would likely have had restricted membership decades ago). Chinese restaurants pretty much assume I don't speak Chinese all that well, even without my husband. Don't know if it's the darker skin thing or because I just dress too Canadian.
Honestly, I can go on about how I'm uncomfortable when white or blacks discuss race issues because I often can't relate to what they're talking about. Black people (and sometimes, Hispanic) often talk about the lack of privilege thing and somehow assume that as an Asian person, I'd "get" where they were coming from. Ummmmm, no, I don't know what you mean, especially education opportunities and housing. And then there are so-called guilty white liberals (usually nice ladies of a certain age) who make silly comments about how I'm denying my heritage if I "adapt" to white society too much, without realizing that things are pretty "westernized" in Hong Kong and that it's part of modern culture in the old country (an admin assistant at my graduate school didn't think Chinese Canadian brides should wear white, since it's a "colour of mourning" in Chinese culture. Yeah, but brides in Hong Kong wear white to the church/city hall ceremony (red is for the reception, along with at least one or two other dresses. One bride, the daughter-in-law of one of m
I guess I need to finish up that sentence/post (it was a copy/paste - had some issues earlier).... was going to say that the daughter-in-law of one of my mom's close friends had EIGHT dresses in total at her wedding. Chinese descent brides have been wearing white gowns since the 1950s or 60s (though earlier for "society" brides).
ReplyDeleteFinally, I think a lot of people, particularly those not from cosmopolitan cities automatically assume that a non-white person grew up in a lower socio-economic background and are often surprised to find out that the middle and upper middle class family of Chinese descent is pretty "standard" in many parts of Canada.
Damn...EIGHT DRESSES?! Holy crap. I thought one was bad, watching some brides on Say Yes to the Dress earlier today.
ReplyDeleteIt's so interesting to hear about all these different intricacies and variations in interracial relationships and the potential discomfort it brings up!
Well, eight dresses isn't typical. I think the girl was a trust fund kid. Normal is probably three - white, red and an evening gown. Some have one additional "going away" outfit.
ReplyDeletelolz now you know how lesbians feel everywhere that isnt noho. but seriously people are jackasses, and you either have to match their dirty looks with dirtier ones or learn to shake it off and feel smug knowing youre younger, smarter, and less of a fucking idiot.
ReplyDelete