eating disorders and recover: residue of a former life

Sometimes, I'm astonished by the amount of things in my life that are still influenced by my eating disorder. Two and a half years into recovery, and it's still there. Anything that was in your life for close to a decade is bound to leave residue on you, like a ring around the bathtub.

My ring is made up of drinking obscene amounts of water (formerly attempts to make purging easier or to feel fuller during periods of restriction) and tooth decay and chewing lots of gum to trick my hunger center and conceal the smell of puke that clung to me like a bad perfume. My ring is made up of a small number of inflexible feelings and rules and discomfort around new foods or people commenting on my eating--a simple comment from Marvel of "Wow, you must be enjoying that" feels like a slap in the face and completely disrupts my meal and turns me into a pillar of silence and the refusal to have any more food pass my lips. It's made up of a personality based on control and anxiety and OCD about my schedule and using my time effectively to be THE WORLD'S BEST AND MOST PRODUCTIVE AND MOST LOVED.

These are things that may never fully dissolve. And maybe that's okay. If nine years of a mental illness left my personality completely untouched, it'd be a bit sad. But I am incredibly glad that it's no longer my entire personality.

Much love,
The Sheriff