As you may have read, the Sheriff is giving celibacy the ol' college try. And seeing as no one is aggressively throwing sex in my general direction, it hasn't been too difficult. Kinda lonely, as we move into cuddling season, but not hard in and of itself (there's a dick pun in that sentence. I'll leave the mystery intact and let you find it). Celibacy really increasing my sense of pride and self-esteem. Which is a reversal of how it felt early on. Let me explain.
Like many, many, many people, I like feeling wanted and desirable and like I'm worth someone's time.And when someone chooses you so clearly, it's easy to let that distract you out of who you are and who you are when you're alone and what matters to you. This amnesia afflicts lots of young people (though it's not just limited to the follies of youth) when we're in that phase where who we are is still crystallizing and it's easy to fall into a relationship with someone and start to become who they want you to be or who you think they want you to be. I realized that it was easy for me to wind up somehow in one relationship after another, all of which were fine and decent and taught me things about myself...but only one of which in the last six years I can say I really, consciously chose. And that's a shame because to me, one of the central tenets of feminism and being a modern lady of sorts is that we choose how we live and the things we do--we choose when to have kids, where to live, whether or not to take our partner's last name in marriage, whether or not to get married at all or to spend your days with a cat in a one-bedroom apartment, perfectly fulfilled anyway.
Not flirting with and fucking has actually increased my self-esteem and sense of pride considerably--I'm choosing this, consciously. And when I do choose to have sex again, that'll be a conscious choice too. And I feel pretty damn good about that.
Much love,
The Sheriff
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