choices, choices

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College is full of choices. And they are almost always blown out of proportion and seen as being Huge, Very Important Decisions that will totally determine how happy you are, how much money you have, and whether you have a fancy pants obituary upon your death. You choose your college (well, more accurately, they choose you), then you pick your major, which is supposed to somehow relate to what you're supposed to do with the Rest of Your Life. At a young, child-like 18 (seriously. I know it's cliche, but the older I get, the more I look at first years in disbelief like, "OMG you can read and drive a car? Are you sure? Do you want me to hold your hand?" I even find myself doing it to the freshmen pledges in Meatball's fraternity), you're somehow supposed to be imbued with the knowledge of what you like, what you're good at, and what will translate into a major with a marketable enough skills to make you ca$h and which will logically lead to a career in your post-graduation, shiny, exciting life.

This post is mostly to assure anyone at any point in this process of becoming an "adult": It rarely works out this way.

Every year at Smith, I've had at least one moderately major meltdown where I sit down and cry and pull on my hair and maybe suck my thumb for a while in fear. Did I choose the right major? Will I ever find a job? I don't even like what I study, WHY would I want to do this forever? I picked a major my first semester at Smith, thinking Government and Middle East Studies was totes what I wanted forever and ever and that I'd get a Really Important Job in DC after I graduated, make big bucks, live The Good Life desired for me by my parents (who have not gone to college and are supportive but also completely fuckin clueless about how scary some of these choices are and wonder why I think college isn't just a cake walk), and never look back.

But then, junior year, I realized that our government does some sketchy shit, and that I don't actually like DC or its culture of yuppies who all wanna be Obama whilst wearing boring suits and panty hose in 102 degree weather with 100% humidity (not hatin' on them, but I realized that that sounds like my personal version of Hell). I had a friend who realized that her degree, while being what she wants to study, would raise a lot of questions from future employers about its practical usefulness (what does a degree in Medieval Studies mean, exactly?). Similarly, I have a friend who majored in something appropriately science-y and important, and she's also clueless about what comes next so it's not just those of us who chose "fluffy" things to study that have no direct link to a career (Comparative Literature? Anthropology? NOT USELESS). And even securing an actual job post-graduation is not free from judgment by well-meaning folks, who accidentally put massive pressure on you and make you feel like an underachiever and wonder if you'll ever do anything Real and Impressive with your life.

Point being? There is really no magical right answer to any of these questions. Sure, I envy Meatball's degree in Pragmatic and Useful Engineering (note: not his actual major), but I know that would've been a terrible choice for me (I am not pragmatic, though hopefully I am useful. I'm still unclear on what exactly engineering is). Your major does not determine your future anymore than where you went to college does (Condie went to a state school!). Listen to your gut, work hard, and make the choices that seem right for you. You do not need to impress anyone other than yourself at the end of the day. I can't guarantee things will be easy or that you'll always know the "right" option to choose, and the economic climate out there, admittedly, is scary. But being stuck in a life that you hate, doing something that you find dull but that you majored in during school because it seemed like a way to get a job with a big salary and benefits and a title, sounds a little scarier to me. It's okay to be scared or anxious about college and what comes next: it doesn't have to be perfect.

IT WILL BE OKAY.

Much love,
The Sheriff

PS--Similar topic and comfort can be found here!

Still Fighting: A Request from the Sheriff

I posted this as part of my Friday Links a while back, but it's sadly necessary to call attention to it again.

Most of us have at least ten bucks we could live without: maybe you'd spend it on a night at the bars, or waste it at CVS on makeup you don't need (no? Just me that does that? Well). I'm asking you to take that ten bucks and donate it to help Sofia stay in treatment for her eating disorder. I got my insurance cut off while in treatment at just 15, and I wonder constantly how much easier the fight against my eating disorder would've been if I'd been able to afford the proper care.

Just click this link, and give ten bucks. Just ten measly dollars given by just half the average daily readers of this blog would give her family another $2000-3000 for treatment! Please consider donating to help her. You'll feel really good about it, I promise. And if you truly have nothing to give, at least pass this along and send her good thoughts.

Much love and appreciation,
The Sheriff

"It's not a girls' school without men, it's a women's college without boys."

I was referred to this article by Beauty-Schooled. For those too lazy to click on the link and to read the whole thing, it's a piece from a British site called MyDaily discussing the benefits of single sex-education despite the fact that only 13% of The Good Schools Guide (which, as it sounds like, is a guide to helping British folks choose the best schools, both state and private, for their kids) were all girls schools.

I had a little difficulty reading this article just because of that phrase: all girls schools. I'm so used to gently correcting people about Smith ("Actually, it's a women's college, thanks."). Granted, they are talking K-12 education, at which age the students involved really are girls so I'll check my desire to correct it.

Frankly, I agree with everything that this woman says. To focus too much of the grades and performance of girls attending single-sex schools misses all of the other, more amorphous benefits that come from being educated with same sex peers. I imagine it would've been a much gentler place to go through puberty and all the delicious awkwardness of adolescence  Although I didn't have the benefit of a single sex education until college, I've seen the huge improvement in my confidence level, my public speaking skills, and my leadership ability (to be fair, I wasn't lacking terribly in any of those departments to start, but now I feel good about them which is just as important.).

Research shows girls tend to stop being shy and embrace more of their competitive side both in and out of the classroom when they go to all girls schools, while boys will scale back their "LOOK AT MY MASCULINITY" act. Girls feel more confident taking on positions of leadership, which will benefit them enormously once they must graduate and leave the haven of their female enclave. Much of the criticism of single-sex education is that it under prepares girls for the pressures of the real world which is obviously co-ed. Look at some of the graduates of Smith College (and other women's colleges boast just a prestigious a list), and tell me that these women couldn't thrive in the real world? Right. You can't.

I don't entirely buy the argument that girls and boys learn differently. It's just too close to jump from that to statements like "well female brains have a harder time with math" and "boys can't process and communicate their feelings like girls do," which sound like bullshit and reflect more of our stereotypes about the sexes than any innately gendered abilities or talents. However, she notes that girls tend to learn better in warmer classrooms, which I would've been all about as I remember my middle school being approximately 53 degrees inside at best, all the time.

Thoughts? Any of you go to single-sex schools for K-12? Was it a worthwhile experience?

Much love,
The Sheriff

tow truck thoughts.

The Sheriff has had a rough (last!) first week of classes. Classes themselves are fine. But everything else? Not so much. First was an intense flu-like illness that Meatball and I shared that incapacitated me for three days. But I kept my head up, excited to go see my best friend at Bard College on Friday night and then to my parents' house in PA for my mama's surprise 50th birthday party.

And then my ancient car (we're talkin' OLD, as in 1990 Honda Accord...my car is legal to drink!) decided to not start back up again after I made took a quick break to pee in Lee, MA. I spent my Friday afternoon and early evening talking to AAA and getting towed back to Midas to negotiate. I was not pleased.

Odd thing in all this was how nice to me people were. Now mind you, I am used to epic car trouble (especially, for some reason, on the way to Bard). I do not cry or get flustered or play the "I'm just a single white female and I'm so confused by MACHINERY!" role. But strangers in the parking lot, men and women, came over to try to help. Even though I knew it wasn't the battery, some dude insisted on giving my car a jump. Another man offered various opinions on what the trouble might be and even offered to call his AAA for me until I assured him mine worked fine too.

the sheriff, with car trouble.

The tow truck driver was enormously friendly, and kept apologizing for the fact that my car had picked a bad time (a Friday afternoon) to break down. When we got to Midas, once the manager told me there was no hope in fixing in that night, he personally offered me a ride home even after I told him I lived less than a mile away. He also offered to pay the six bucks in tolls that I owed the tow truck driver (who eventually insisted himself that he give me a ride back to Albright).

I could not help but think this behavior, while certainly coming from the kindness of their hearts, is cued and intensified by certain social markers I exhibit. I'm a white, blonde, young female. I'm reasonably pleasant looking, and very small (I recently realized that my floor lamp is taller than me. Problems). I was alone. I have no bling on my left hand. I was well-dressed for the weather in a wool coat and a scarf (definitely rockin' the yuppie look, compared to the driver in his John Deer hoodie). My car was old, but otherwise there were no overt signs that I might be on the lower end of the economic scale.

no mechanic really looks like this...

All of this creates a picture and an expected social outcome in people's minds: I'm not a threat. I'm not a criminal. I need their help. I deserve their help. I wonder if their behavior would've been different if I'd been dressed in shabbier clothes, if I'd not been white, if I'd been older, if I'd been a man (god forbid a black man). I wonder how much of our social interactions are driven by these cues and how we interpret them.

Or maybe all of these people were just being truly kind, seeing a lone driver experiencing car issues on a cold day and their reactions weren't even a little bit influenced by my skin tone, gender, size, looks. Seeing as I can't change those things just for the sake of a social experiment, I'll never know and can only wonder.

Just some pondering thoughts. Have you ever noticed yourself modifiying your behavior towards someone like this? Do you imagine that people do it to you?

Much love,
The Sheriff

link city up in here

This article speaks to one of my guilty pleasures: being a feminist obsessed with Mormon mommy blogs. Don't judge!

Breast implants linked to rare type of cancer? Oh good.

Warning: you could be pre-pregnant!

50 Positive Affirmations! 

Interesting but I'm not in total agreement: The sexual cost of female success.

Don't apologize before you say something: Do women begin more questions with "sorry" than men"

Read it and believe it, ya'll!

What Kermit Gosnell's horrifying abortion clinic in Philly has to teach us. Good shit.

How to beat a case of the uglies.

The unexamined racial dynamics (which got overshadowed by all of us being angry about the sexist dynamics!) of Kanye's "Monster" video.

word.

Much love,
The Sheriff

how not to be That Girl (no, not that one)

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I'm sure you (I'm talking to my Smithies now, though surely other colleges have this phenomenon) have heard of and encountered That Girl in your classes: she constantly raises her hand, talks slooowly, loves the sound of her own voice, says ridiculous shit, and, perhaps worst of all, corrects the professor (but NOT in a helpful way). But today I'm talking about the more common That Girl on our campus: the one who looks stressed, who seems like a zombie, who always seems to be whining about how much work she has. We've all been her at times, but guys? No one likes to be around her. So here's how to not be That Girl and how to have an amazing semester.

--Get a head start now. I do this with every class, every semester: get a head start on those readings NOW. Work at least a class ahead so that if something unexpected comes up (illness, friend has a break up and needs support, frat party), you are still not behind. Which means you won't be pulling all-nighters and being a cranky bitch.

--Take care of yourself. I know college is not particularly a time of prime healthy habits for most of us because we have youth on our side: our bodies can function amazingly well given the amount of abuse they sustain from lack of sleep, caffeine consumption, alcoholic indulgences, sedentary hours in class, and shitty dining hall food/late night PizzaAmore deliciousness. But I promise that you will feel so much more amazing if you a) sleep enough (you know what you need, I can't preach...plus I go to bed mad early as I am supremely boring), b) eat something green at least once a day (I know there is always salad available, no excuses ya'll!), c) take advantage of the free gym/Get Fit Smith classes. Movement feels so good (the walk from the Quad to class doesn't count), d) maybe consider cutting back on the caffeine. Research shows it has bad side effects (duh), but also that it doesn't have as much of an effect on your memory/alertness when you're indulging daily. I would offer some advice on not boozing it up, but that's futile: if you want to, do it safely and smart is all I advise (pace yourself, drink water, don't do shots, etc.).

--Have an orgasm every day. With a friend, by yourself, whatever. Just do it. You'll be amazed how much happier and calm you are (and how much better you sleep!). Oh My, as always, has the best selection. You can also shop online (Drugstore.com has an adult toy section, and you can also buy them on Amazon.com, if you're shy about the mail lady knowing you just bought a dildo).

--Remember that you're in control. What? Yes. I don't care if that sounds new-agey because it's true. Especially at Smith, you choose the extent to which you (over) extend yourself. You pick your classes, and you determine your study habits (which will in turn influence if you need to panic at finals or if you're actually well-prepared just by staying on top of your shit). You're not some powerless pawn at this school!

--When you study, really go for it. An hour of actually doing your reading/studying your flashcards is far more potent and helpful than sitting in the Rec Room (ahem) for ages talking to people/checking Facebook while you're "trying" to study. Here's some fantastic tips on maximizing your productivity so you can do work, get shit done, and then go have fun.

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--Quit yer bitching. No one likes to be around someone negative, and by dwelling on how busy you/how little sleep you've had/whatever (which are often due to your own choices, as noted above), you keep yourself locked into a cycle of feeling sorry for yourself/unhappy to be here.

--If you truly need help, ask. Sometimes things happen (death in the family, serious illness, mental health problems, what have you) that are truly beyond your control. And you're not alone when that happens. There's tutoring from peers, the QLC for math help, your professors who would've gone to teach at a huge research institution if they didn't want to interact with you, your friends, your Res Life, Counseling Services, the Wellness Office. Smith has a bajillion resources to help Smithies stay happy and healthy and emotionally balanced students: take advantage of them.

--Remember that we live in Paradise. Seriously. College is an amazing and short four years, even if Smith is not perfect, so don't spend it being miserable and complaining.

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Much love,
The Sheriff

hot for teacher?: role play

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I've got a shocking (not really) confession to make: I have never role-played sexually (or otherwise...I was at the bottom of the social totem pole in high school, but I wasn't completely a nerd!). Part of this is because I have a serious condition known as The Giggles that makes me laugh outrageously extremely frequently, which is not really a turn-on when pretending to be someone's hot nurse. Furthermore, I've never had a partner who seemed comfortable with it, and I'm pretty sure Meatball would die of embarrassment if I insisted that we try indulging in a role-play scenario, 'cause he's just cute like that.

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But it's something that intrigues me, interests me, and to be frank, turns me on. The idea of being able to be someone else for a little while, to take on a role or persona that you don't normally inhabit is downright sexy and I think it'd be incredible to try.

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BUT. The one thing that bothers me about role-play is that it frequently involves scenarios with a power dynamic differential. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, but it often puts the male figure in the place of control. Scenarios like boss/secretary, stripper/client, erotic photographer/model usually (but not always) place the dude as the one calling the shots. And I don't always like that. Role-play can be a lot more hot and allow you to stretch your comfort zone safely if you're inhabiting a new and different position that you ordinarily are: for many hetero women, that means switching from being the more passive partner to initiating sex and taking control of what happens during in an active way. And obviously within same-sex couples, it allows for some awesome possible experimentation for both partners. Role-play can actually be really subversive AND hot, which is a total two-for-one, ya'll.

Have you ever role-played? Any interest in it, or are you too prone to giggling as I am? Are the gendered dynamics a turn-off, or turn-on?

Much love,
The Sheriff