sex education

One thing that college has made me vividly aware of is how much high school education varies across this country and internationally. It's especially fascinating to take a look at sex education, and see where we're really failing our youth by not properly teaching them about their bodies, the risks, and the joys of boning, or equipping them with the skills to explain what they do and don't want sexually (or otherwise, for that matter. A look at any high school yearbook shows how lost people are, generally evident in ridiculous fashion choices about being "different" and "edgy" and showing how "unique" they are...not that I did any of that).

I'm sure it won't shock you that I think comprehensive sex education, starting in middle school, is the least that we owe teens navigating their hormone-flooded schooling years. Of course, the internet is helpful these days if you have a question about any kind of sex under the sun (Scarleteen is a particularly great resource), but there is also particularly terrible information on the internet and just plain untrue things. But I think our schools already have the platform, audience, and space to distribute this info to kids and get it right, so why not?

In considering this, I was really curious about the various messages my friends received in sex ed in school, and thought it would be interesting to just put some of them up.

Young Sheriff went to a pretty rural and small public high school in southeastern PA, and did not get any sex education until junior year. Yep, 11th grade, which is really silly when you think about the fact that a high school junior is 16 or 17, and the average American teen loses their virginity between ages 15 and 16. I don't even recall learning about the body parts because until 11th grade, health was all about JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

My health teacher was a great guy, but he also was misinformed about a lot of things: we got into an argument once because he told everyone that Plan B was the abortion pill, and I tried to correct him but he shot me down, even after I looked it up and went to the pharmacy to get information. We spent one class period (90 minutes) on birth control, and at least three on STIs. He also gave us a metaphor of sex being like chocolate: you could be with a Godiva (delicious), a Hershey's bar (pretty satisfactory), or one of those gross chocolate coins (eh, but hey, it's still chocolate!). But if you only have sex with one person and wait until marriage, you'll always think they're Godiva and why bother exploring with anyone else? This made no sense to Young Sheriff, obviously.

The Librarian told me that her school (also a public in southeastern PA, though decidedly more...money) brought in a woman who was pro-abstinence to talk to them about sex. She constructed the metaphor that hookups and casual sex take your self-esteem and crash it on the rocks repeatedly, and it is only by holding out that we can build self-esteem.

Wick went to a pretty rural and small public school in western Massachusetts and got abstinence-only education. I'm continually shocked that in a state as liberal as MA that abstinence-only is the standard, but she recalls some conversations that strayed from the "don't-give-it-up-till-you've-been-down-the-aisle" line.

Sunshine went to a private, co-ed Catholic school in California. In high school, they did separate the girls and boys for what she thought might finally The Talk, at least about menstruation. While she never found out what they talked to the boys about, they talked to the girls about engagement. What? Yes. They discussed how long an engagement should be, the qualities a diamond should have, when it is appropriate to get engaged...you know, all vital information about sex and sexuality.

I'm so curious to hear other people's experiences with this--did they give out condoms in your school? When did you start sex ed? Any ridiculous metaphors to share?

Much love,
The Sheriff

booze and banging: how do we navigate consent?

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A weekend at any campus other than Smith reveals the deep and enduring bonds between college weekends of stressed students eager for release, sex, and alcohol. Our rules for boozin' it are fairly restrictive but most people respect them or break them discreetly enough that it's a non-issue (and as a Head Resident, I sincerely appreciate that...keep on keepin' on, sneaky drinkers). Of course, our campus is largely composed of women who were far too nerdy to do much drinking in high school and so learn their limits here (Sheriff included), so these rules do keep it relatively safe, especially for n00bs.

Other campuses are decidedly not like this. I visited Bard College this weekend to see my best friend during Bard's bacchanalian spring fling. It was a blast, but also a little unnerving, watching ambulances cart multiple people off. And of course, lots of people wandering off for more private locations, which got me thinking about booze/substances, consent, and sex.

General Lee has written about this topic before, and he makes a lot of great recommendations about how to be sure you're doin' it and hooking up with intentionality and consent. But boozey encounters are so ingrained in college (and from my limited glimpses so far, the Real World is full of alcohol-fueled sex too), I figured it was worth looking at again.

Obviously, no one who is obliterated can give consent. This hardly needs to be stated, and my deep hope is that only an absolutely tiny minuscule percentage of any population would think that someone who has been vomiting or can barely stand is in any shape to decide if they want to have sex. But what of the less fucked-up among us> It's unrealistic to think if your intended object of lust (or yourself) has had two drinks that you shouldn't go for it, simply because that's how the majority of the college-age demographic spends their weekends (except for perhaps the cape girls here at Smith. Wanna seduce them? You're on your own. I have no advice for that realm). Even better is the fact that alcohol makes you bolder: it's easier to act on the gut instinct and go for it, to say what you want without censorship after a shot or two. The alcohol-fueled mingling of warm bodies feels really incredible, and it's fun when it's done within reasonable range of drunkeness.

Except that often, it's not. I've had my fair share of sex I barely remember (damn my small stature of love of whiskey!) and even when I know it was consensual, it still feels bad the next day to have banged and not be able to recall the details. It feels weird. Maybe even dirty. And for many men and women, being tipsy is all they need to forget to use protection, to get swept up in the sloppy passion, and BAM you've got a STI or a pregnancy scare on your hands. College is notorious for the morning after regret vibe, which while I've yet to fully experience, is a pretty common Smith phenomenon thanks to Smith Goggles (a condition under which straight women here take the first hetero man to cross their path for want of other options. Ladies, you can do so much better than that gangly freshman from UMass!). Worse yet is perhaps that you're not entirely sure the other person wanted what occurred between you: as General Lee put it, nothing is less sexy than rape, and alcohol consumption by either party fuels the possibility of assault, a fact that is unfortunate given its benefits.

So all my ladies (and men) drinking and banging: be aware. Count your drinks. Count your hookup partner's drinks too. And don't be afraid to postpone the pleasure if you think either of you is too drunk to give consent or find it enjoyable. I promise, the sex will be way better that way! Consent and agency are hot.

Have you ever had a booze-fueled hookup? Or a night you regretted later? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Texas A&M student senate voted last week to cut funding for the LGBT resource center and to divert the funds to a "center for traditional and family values." Boo!


Teen fakes pregnancy for school project. Interesting!

LOLZ: Are white people racially oppressed?

Terrible: Tennessee senate passed a bill to make it illegal to say the word "gay" in TN schools.

Words from a Smith alumna about the difficulties of not being legally recognized as married.


Ten year old's rant to boys around the world. Cute and enlightened!


Sad and disgusting: woman beat in a McDonald's for being trans while employees watch. Ugh.

Much love,
The Sheriff

in which we tackle Barbie

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A friend on Facebook referred this article to me (side note: I LOVE when ya'll do that! Information sharing FTW) and said she was curious for some reflection on it.

For those too lazy to click over, it profiles a college-age woman Galia Slayen who struggled with an eating disorder and as a high school project took on the task of presenting Barbie as she would truly stand as a person: 5'9", 110 pounds, and with a body mass index of 16 (18.5-24.9 is considered healthy for an adult woman--16 is anorexic, though I will add that BMI is definitely a flawed indicator of overall health since it only takes into account weight and height). Barbie's shoes would be a size 3 (on a woman of 5'9", mind you!), with a bust of 39", a waist of 18", and 33" hips. She would likely not have enough body fat to have a period, and due to her enormous breasts, minuscule waist, and pin thin legs, she would have to crawl on all fours to move, since she would not be able to walk.

First, I'm super proud and happy for Slayen that she has conquered her own disease and to now speak out as an advocate for moving as a society towards a saner and healthier body image.

Now onto a good question: if her project somehow impacts Mattell's executive and design team and they made a doll with more "normal" (read: humanly possible) features, would it make a difference in terms of development of the body image of the average American girl?

Maybe.

Everyone loves to think (myself included sometimes) that they're smarter than advertisers and too aware and intelligent to fall for the idea of the perfect female body that we're presented with. But it would be damn near impossible to not be influenced with the onslaught of images we see everyday, and study after study reveals that we all are, menfolk definitely included (rise in male eating disorders, anyone?). And although this is based only on my own anecdotal evidence, people with eating disorders (recovered or active) tend to be obsessed with images of perfect bodies. I've seen it in myself and fellow patients in treatment, but also in the comments section of sites like Skinny vs Curvy, where an admission of a past relationship with an eating disorder results in a chorus of "me too!" Granted, it's a chicken and egg thing (did the ED lead to the obsession or vice versa?), but it does indicate a real relationship between obsession over perfect body images, self-image, and eating disorders.

Can Barbie be held responsible for the rise in eating disorders and body misery we see today?

No. Not entirely. But she certainly doesn't help--neither do fashion spreads featuring only models with massive gaps between their thighs or movies where women any larger than a size 4 are cast only as "the fat funny friend" and never as the romantic lead or wildly photoshopped celebrities.

But a doll with realistic body proportions would be a definite step in the right direction.

What say you?

Much love,
The Sheriff

salons and manners, or why it's so easy to not be a jerk

yeah daria

This Saturday, I got my hair did. I've been going to the same salon for a while (I mentioned previously my shock that my stylist wanted fake breasts), and have a great relationship with my stylist. She knows what I like hair-wise, remembers things about my boyfriend and background, and is really funny. I like her a lot, as a service provider and as a person.

Which is why I get really upset about people who don't tip, or tip poorly, or talk nasty to their stylist.

I'm not saying anything revolutionary that BeautySchooled hasn't addressed (and surely more eloquently), but I am just perpetually shocked at what people think is acceptable in terms of treating salon workers. Or anyone who works and relies primarily on tips to get by. But because workers in the beauty industry are so overwhelmingly female, this is a gendered issue and it's also a great way to put your money where your mouth is...and your feminist walk behind your talk (too many idioms?).

Treating (badly paid) women workers well isn't just feminism, it's just damn polite and the right thing to do. As a consumer, the way you use your money and the issues you bring to the attention of business owners really matter.

Do you get mad when people tip badly? Or are you yourself a bad tipper (does anyone actually think they are)? 

Much love,
The Sheriff

hiatus.

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I'm taking a wee small break of one week from blogging. It's crunch time at Smith, and I'm lucky enough to have no final exams (woo!) but I do have three papers due in the next ten days so I'm off doing more formal, less interesting writing for the next week. But I promise to be back next Monday with some juicy stuff!
I will miss you!

Much love,
The Sheriff

Friday Links

Surprising that J. Crew is the one to spark some debate about gender roles. Specifically about small boys and pink toenails.

Speaking of gender roles...if you read my last post about Smith's refusal to let a male student host prospective students, this article in the Sophian written by him might be of interest. 

And you can sign this petition to communicate to the administration that we support trans rights at Smith!

Homophobia isn't good for business, says 50 cent. Progress? 

And finally: how to stay sane during finals week.

Much love,
The Sheriff