why women "drop out"--graduating, pressure, and the ease of roles

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Graduating from an incredible college like Smith was a huge accomplishment for me, academically, personally, intellectually, financially. But the pressures of being a high-performing female (that phrase makes it sound like I'm super fertile, but I'm not changing it) don't end up with the commencement exercises, and I'm sure many of fellow high-pressure grads can relate to the following thoughts and comments.

My entire life I've been a high-achiever in everything I've ever done: I made volunteering a competitive event, worked an obscene number of hours through both high school and college to make money, beat my body and its hungers into submission, and of course, got amazing grades and praise from all of my teachers (I never did sports, however, thanks to being a chunky kid and hating the serious chub rub that came with being active). I did it all and made it look easy (hopefully), even as it felt like death. My slogan was "all I do is win" long before DJ Khaled came along.

And now that I've graduated, I feel like the pressure should've lessened a little. Grades are over! No more exams! I got my piece of paper with Latin on it!

And yet...it actually feels worse right now.

Everyone I run into asks what I'm doing with my life, and seems disappointed when I tell them. "Oh, really? I never saw you as a ______ (insert whatever noun you want there that's not good enough for your friends/family/pastor)," or "I always thought you'd work at the UN or something really impressive." Perhaps these comments are meant to be encouraging, like "Look how highly I think of you!" But what I hear is more like, "Why aren't you meeting the expectations that Everybody has for you while also being attractive and rich?" And I can only imagine that I'm not alone.

The feeling of all this insane pressure is helping me begin to understand why high-performing women "drop out" by getting hitched and having babies and becoming devoted moms and wives. Rest assured, I don't actually want to yet, but the ease of having a role to settle into instead of having to constantly question and assert and figure out what precisely it is that I want sounds a lot more relaxing than the exhaustion and terror I alternately feel.

But. A role is not what I want to fit into. Not deep down. I have a little more compassion for women who choose to step out of their demanding work positions in order to raise a family or whatnot, because this pressure is real and scary. But a role would be too: pressures and expectations are waiting right there for you, except with less guesswork about how to go about being the ideal mom or wife, since that's laid out for you in magazines like Parenting and Martha Stewart and such.

No matter what your position, chances are you'll never measure up to the perfect standard set before you because perfection is naturally unattainable and humans are so inherently flawed that our attempts at being otherwise are nearly always humorously thwarted by life. So I'm encouraging my fellow graduates: take a deep breath. Fuck the Everybody who tells you that you're not all you can be and you're disappointing. Do what feels right, and don't expect your first job to help you save the world, become famous all over, and be rich (if it does, please tell me your secret). But don't let yourself fall into something by sheer laziness or exhaustion: make as deliberate of choices as your financial situation will let you, and smile. These are the good times, and sometimes we (and by "we" I mean I) get so overwhelmed that we forget that.

Grads: do you feel this crazy pressure too from friends/strangers/family?
Established Adults: does it ever go away?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

How violent sex helped erase my PTSD---TRIGGER warning, but a very interesting piece.

Lovin' up on this comment of the day on Jezebel.

As I suspected. Sigh.

Neither butch nor top.

Much love,
 The Sheriff

raising a genderless baby

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 I put a news piece about this in the Friday Links a few weeks ago, but I wanted to give it some more blog space because I think it's wildly interesting and would love to hear what other people think about this. A couple has chosen to raise their child without telling anyone the sex of the baby.

Now, just to clarify in terms of vocabulary: your sex is the junk in your pants, your biological parts. Male/female. Gender is a range of characteristics ascribed to one's sex, usually divided in terms of masculinity/femininity. The child in question here, named Storm, does not have an ambiguous sex, but their parents are choosing to keep their sexual identity secret to allow the child to grow up without having to fit into a gendered box. Got it? Good. Onto the meaty stuff of this situation.

I think this family is obviously very brave for bucking one of the most standardized and accepted binaries and social categorizations of most human societies. To attempt to dismantle that is a biggie, and I applaud them for having the guts to entirely re-think a lot of our assumptions about gender identity. And if more people start to do this or at least consider it a legitimate choice for a family, this could lead to very real and awesome social change. For many people, gender is a category full of inane and negative associations that their lives are far better without, and maybe this baby Storm will grow up better and more balanced than most of us for having been raised without the assumptions of gender cast upon them.

But.

Is it fair to make one individual child into a social experiment? I'm not sure. Clearly, we are all raised with our parents' personal biases politically, religiously, socially, and so on. I struggle all the time with a much less intense but related question: as a vegetarian for most of my life, should I raise my possible future kids as vegetarians? Sure, that fills them with my particular ideology but so does allowing them to eat meat. Parents constantly construct their child's idea of what is normal, healthy, and acceptable in all aspects of life, and this is no different. This couple is doing what they see as best for their kid, and trying to build a new idea of normal where a baby's gender is not the most important thing about them or the primary facet of their personality from which we build assumptions of their preferences and attitudes (for an example: you see a baby in blue and say he's a handsome, strong, little man versus a pink-clothed baby and saying how sweet and cute she is and buy her toys that enforce a sweet, cute image. Innocent commentary that builds our lifelong ideas about masculinity and femininity...unless people question them!). But will this help the kid thrive in a world that demands gender conformity? I can't say for sure, but with supportive parents, I do hope that if Storm encounters any serious teasing or is socially ostracized that they'll be better equipped to deal.

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If baby Storm decides to confine to the gender binary and is abundantly masculine/feminine in a way that fits with the societal expectations of their biological sex, will their parents be supportive? If Storm falls in love with ballet, princesses, Barbie, and makeup, will they indulge these interests or push her towards Tonka trunks? It's interesting to wonder about, though clearly there aren't any real answers.

Whatcha think about this? My opinions are clearly ALL over the place, so I'm really curious what other people think of this couple's choice to raise a baby without a known gender.

Much love,
The Sheriff

ads promoting eating disorders?--talkin' yoplait today

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Because I live under a rock and don't actually own a TV (and didn't bother to learn how to turn on my parents' TV while I was living with them), I never saw this ad from Yoplait that NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association, for those not in the loop with the acronyms) got yanked for supposedly promoting eating disorders among viewers.

I think this ad is really interesting because it does capture a lot of sad aspects of modern women and our relationship to food: the denial of desires for supposedly "bad" foods, the immense guilt that comes from enjoying these supposedly sinful treats, the constant comparison of bodies, the precise math calculations done in order to justify a caloric splurge. To me, the mental mathematics absolutely were reminiscent of my eating disorder, trying to see how I could make myself feel at peace with eating a piece of bread or mashed potatoes or a slice of my own birthday cake.

The inner dialogue of most eating disordered individuals is definitely harsher than the thoughts presented in this ad, but that doesn't make it okay just because it's not pathological. The red haired actress notes at the beginning of the ad, "I've been good all day, I deserve it!" As if one needs to deserve or justify one's food choices anyway. Eat what ya damn please! Your food choices, contrary to the thoughts of many women and men struggling with disorder eating and eating disorders, are not a moral issue. They don't make you good or bad. Seriously.

Furthermore, the choice of the actress with the sunken cheeks being the one eating yogurt and the healthier-looking actress being the one experiencing all the inner turmoil, guilt, and envy sends a pretty clear message about which one you should like to be more like.

But does it actually promote eating disorders? Nah. I don't think so. It could be triggering for someone struggling or reinforce the thoughts and beliefs of someone struggling with disordered eating, but for a food company to promote eating disorders, even by making their food appear to be the more virtuous choice for the appearance-concerned woman, is just plain bad business. But Yoplait certainly got a lot of press from this incident, so perhaps it worked out for them.

What do you think? Is this ad worth being pulled, or does it not really push your buttons?

Much love,
The Sheriff

links

The divide between academic feminists and activist feminists. I guess I fall on the activist side, although that always makes me think of people protesting and handing out pamphlets and I haven't done much of that since high school.

A peek into a demographic I frankly don't know much about intimately: why gay men don't get fat. Kinda sad, frankly.

Gala's two-part series on body pressure among fashion bloggers is interesting and eye-opening. Ain't nobody perfect!

Rich corporations will probably always like money more than gays. Sad trombone.

Have you seen the Real L World? I wasn't much of a fan of the first season....at all...but the second one is back and bringing you LOTS OF LESBIAN SEX. If you're into that sort of thing.

Untag this photo:  with new technologies (i.e. digital cameras, smartphones, and Facebook), "more women are aiding their own objectification while maintaining control over their image."

 An open letter to Victoria's Secret about how their marketing really target 15-year-old boys and not grown-ass women. Preach.

Much love,
The Sheriff

mothers, daughters, and scary body image

Almost every female I know has some sort of body image issue or link to their mother: sometimes it's just small things, like my inherited bad relationship with my tummy that all women in my family seem to have (it unites the generations, at least!) and sometimes it's more serious, like witnessing a mother figures descent into an eating disorder to hearing her criticism, aloud or implied, of your thighs or dessert choices. Some very lucky women learn from their moms a strong sense of not giving a fuck about this shit, and to them, I say: I'm jealous.

But in the news lately has been a lot of stories about moms, young daughters, and scary body image stuff. Like the Botox Mom, who claimed she was giving her eight-year-old daughter Botox injections (but now says she was making it all up). Or the Human Barbie mother, who gave her seven-year-old a voucher for breast implants (or another procedure, should she naturally grow awesome boobs) at age 16. According to the article, this kid also got a computer, pink Swarovski ring and matching necklace and a spa weekend for her birthday. Back in my day, we got a cake and a doll and we liked it. But I digress.

Naturally, stories like this are kind of scary and sensationalized, which is why we care about them. How could a mother possibly do these kinds of things to her daughter/lie about them for fame in such a way that we all believed it? How could a mom encourage her daughter to surgically alter her body before encouraging her to just fucking love it first, before going under the knife? And so on, with more generally worrying and judging and such.

I certainly do not condone the actions of these women: they're horrific and scary and hopefully not a harbinger of trends to come for our youngins. But women who have bought into the beauty myth so deeply like this are not necessarily to be blamed. Yes, it would be great if they could critically analyze the world around them and its obscenely difficult-to-uphold beauty standards and show their daughters another way to live, but clearly that ain't what's happening here. These women have just found a more extreme version of the truth we all grapple with: that beauty matters in terms of how you are treated. That being labeled fat or ugly or undesirable can make you incredibly vulnerable to harassment and mistreatment, especially as a kid but long into adulthood. Most of us know and accept this, that attractive people (however society currently and arbitrarily defines that) have it easier to an extent. And most parents only want to make their kid's life easier. I don't agree with these women's methods for doing that, but I do think to shake the finger at them when many of us do the same thing and uphold the same myths is harsh and hypocritical and not really helpful.

What do you think? Is these bitches just crazy, or is the world crazy?

Much love,
The Sheriff

25 years of marriage: some life and love lessons, care of Mama and Papa Sheriff

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Today is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. They were both married (VERY young) to other people, both had a daughter with previous spouse, quickly divorced them and met each other. They worked at Geno's, a chicken and burger fast food chain local to the Philly area: my dad trained my mama, and asked her on a date. The rest is history.

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So I thought today I'd take a break from the sex and body image blogging and just share some things that my parents have said over the last few weeks that I've been home (not that they knew I was squirreling these things away to write about later).

Mama Sheriff says:

--Even after 25 years, he makes me laugh. He drives me crazy, but he makes me laugh.

--Whoever you end up marrying, or living with, or whatever, they're going to change. And you will too. But don't think things will always be the way they are at the beginning.

--I wish I was a lesbian. I can't wait to move to Northampton when Dad dies (yes, she has actually said this. Multiple occasions).

Papa Sheriff says:

--Your mom is hot.

Any good advice you've gotten from your parents, about love or otherwise?

Much love,
The Sheriff