the faux-independence of college: is it a bad thing?

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I have a lovely, much younger friend (psst--she blogs over at PenisEnvy as Dr. Kinky) who is about to leave for Smith. Talking to her recently made me remember all of the excitement and insanity of leaving for college the first time--the anxieties over making new friends and saying goodbye to old ones, PACKING, the thrill of independence.

But are ya really that independent at college?

This is the interesting paradox of Smith, in particular, that I am realizing post-graduation. You go to this fantastic college, full of strong, smart, sassy women with their own thoughts and ideas and achievements and anxieties (so much anxiety. But that is another post!). You can do ANYTHING you want, take any classes you want thanks to the open curriculum, skip any classes you want, sleep with anyone you want (all the men in the Valley! All the women! No one at all!). You make your schedule, choose your extracurriculars, make big decisions about your future, take out big loans. Delicious independence.

Except...no.

There are TEAMS of folks at Smith (and every college) whose jobs exist solely to make your existence easier. IT people you call when the internet is funky or slow or down entirely, electricians who come out at 3AM to turn off your beeping fire alarm when the school is running on generator power, facilities management workers who get out there at the crack of dawn to shovel all that damn New England snow, the housekeepers who not only scrub the tubs but are always there to give you the college gossip and friendly banter on your way to class, the lovely people feeding you....the list goes on and on.

And as much as I thought I was an independent person, and not pampered, I was so so wrong. Waiting for the electric company to come cut on my service during a heat wave, sitting in a chair pressed against the open window, I fully realized the blessing of letting other people take care of things. Sitting in a pool of my own sweat, I once again was faced with how much of a fucking privilege college is, especially the Smith experience (Smith, btws, got a score of 96/100 for quality of life among America's top colleges...probably thanks to all the lovely people taking care of our needs).

It's interesting that colleges put so much work into taking care of these logistical aspects of life for their students while they're being prepared to go into the world and take over on their own. But they do this so you can go about your intellectual life unfettered by the annoyances that people who aren't just full-time students often have to deal with. It's not such a bad thing to not really be doin' it for yourself. So appreciate it and soak up the faux-independence, first years!

When did you realize you'd been maybe just a wee bit spoiled, either in college or before going off?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Michele Bachmann is an interesting woman. By which I mean I really really disagree with most things she says.

This case, while miraculous, shouldn't be used to justify limiting abortions to everyone because a one-in-bazillion chance baby survived.

For the LOLZ: If male superheroes posed like Wonder Woman.

Jess Weiner (body image goddess) and her story about losing weight to be healthier despite her message of loving one's body at all sizes. The sensationalist title aside, I think it raises some good questions!

And so does VA's take on it over at NeverSayDiet.

Much love,
The Sheriff

Interacial dating drama

Several recent changes have occurred in the Sheriff's life, including, among other things, graduation, getting and moving into an apartment in a real city for the first time ever, figuring out public transit, and having some romance on the side.

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And for the first time, the romance involves someone not of my race.

I'm currently seeing a half Black, half Arab man who, although light-skinned, is clearly Not White, and that's what matters when it comes to how people perceive and react to us.

I've been lucky by mistake of birth to be white and because I was raised in a vastly white woodsy town,  totally unaware of race. Sure, I was raised to be not racist and to accept everyone regardless of skin color and all that happy stuff. But I've never had to read "specialty" magazines to find women in ads who look like me; my hair care products are carried everywhere; no one ever asks me how people of my entire racial group feel about rap lyrics or our president or affirmative action. Although I care very much about hearing different perspectives, in feminism and in general, it's not something I'd ever been equipped to give voice to in this here blog as a white chick generally dating/kissing/fucking white dudes (and sometimes white women).

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And now, I have a slightly more enlightened perspective (but, to be real, still extremely limited) on how much racial relations in this country suck. White people--we really are clueless.

I know most people don't think we are post-racial just because we got Obama in the White House (but this song is still pretty good). But I thought we had made some progress at least since the Civil Rights Era, right? Maybe? Just a little?

But you wouldn't really know it, the way people act towards an unknown large brown man walking around with a small blonde woman. People stare. And I don't mean just gawk the way kids do; I mean stare with a touch of nastiness or confusion in it. We tried to go out to breakfast at a local joint in my woodsy sweet hometown, and it was not sweet. He felt so uncomfortable, we just left. My seemingly progressive parents have had similarly baffling experiences; for the first time ever, my mama talked to me about dating violence and not putting up with it, as if he's some sort of larger threat because he's got brown skin. We get the stares walking around in black communities too.

Crazy.

Have you experienced this, either as a minority yourself or while dating one? Tell me about it, I've missed you!

Much love,
The Sheriff

snow bunnies, sex, and stereotypes

As I will talk more about on Tuesday, I'm now dating a guy of mixed race, and it's bringing up a whole bunch of interesting perspectives, views, and experiences. Most curiously humorous and fucked up of which has been hearing his report on the stereotypes about white girls.

I don't know why it was such a surprise to me to hear the stereotypes about us, or that there even are pre-conceived notions about white chicks. Why wouldn't there be? The other groups are all covered: Black men are supposed to be great at fucking, thanks to their unnaturally large penises, but according to popular belief, they don't go down on women, at all, ever, despite demanding head themselves. Oh, and they'll knock ya up with their super virile sperm. Latinas are spicy little wildcats in bed. Asian men aren't packing it in inches, but they make up for it with skillful love-making and being tender in bed.

And white girls are supposed to be stupid, but stuck-up. We're supposed to be bad kissers, but great at giving head. We "work harder," evidently. And we're rare; that's why white girls are coveted by certain minority men. Snow bunnies. I learned these things when he told me I was a good kisser for a white girl. I laughed and found out that there's apparently a whole racial shortcoming that I've overcome in becoming skillful in kissing.

But the arbitrariness of stereotypes, while humorous, shouldn't be surprising. Most stereotypes are stupidly specific (Asians are good at math, Latin folks are great dancers, Indian people have bad B.O., and so on). Plus, I've done it to other races; why wouldn't they do it to my racial and gender group? Does this explain why black men approach me or my white friends when we're out, because they think we're going to be good at head and they can ignore our bad kissing in pursuit of that or simply because we're hot bitches? And how does it work for mixed race people: would half-Black, half-Asian dude be well-hung but tender, or smaller and less likely to give head--how does the stereotype math work on that one?

It doesn't. Because this whole thing is ridiculous. People are just people, and they bring their own individual unique preferences, skills and shortcomings to the table, sexually and otherwise.

What ridiculous sex stereotypes have you heard? Let me hear it.

Much love,
The Sheriff

FF is not dead!

Sorry for the break in posting. The Sheriff has been crazy busy with Real World things, and is the process of getting internet hookup in her new apartment.

Regular posting to resume some time soon hopefully!

Much love (and missing you!),
The Sheriff

looks vs swagger: what gets ya laid?

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 I have an ongoing argument with a male friend we'll call, aptly, Skinny. Skinny is very lean and not terribly tall; some might call him "scrawny." He is convinced that this is what keeps him from getting anywhere with women in conversation, which obviously stop him from gettin' it in.

I say bullshit.

80% of what gets anyone laid is swagger. It's confidence. It's the ability to project that you're awesome and that this person is lucky to be with you but in a way that's not conceited or arrogant. It's subtle, but it's powerful when people have it and actually comfortable enough with themselves to turn their swag on. Of course, being anything other than what our mainstream culture defines as attractive could hurt your chances, in theory. But in practice, I have witnessed so many flirtations and pairings that were unbalanced in terms of sheer physical attractiveness but powered by one person's total confidence.

Confidence is flat out hot. When someone is projecting confidence in their attributes, it makes you think they'll have the same skills in pleasing you. This might be a fallacy (I've had my share of missed calls based on swagger alone), but the swagger does its work in getting them interactions with fine people such as yourself.

And what's best is swag isn't something you have or else you're fucked; you can always develop a healthy sense of cockiness and reap the benefits, regardless of whether or not society says you're hot enough to be reaping those sexual benefits. Self-love and a little bit of good posture can do a world of good.

But if you think you're too skinny/short/fat/tall/awkward/differently abled to get pussy/peen, guess what? You're probably right. You've already decided in your own head that you weren't good enough for anyone's attention, and then by being more shy and reserved and less likely to act on that sexy eye contact someone's flashing you across the room, you dash your own chances. And then, of course, since you have just proven to yourself that you can't get any, you won't put it any effort next time either, and so the cycle continues.

I say: Chin up. Get your swag on, and you'll be fine.

But what do you say? Is swagger the ultimate determinant of one's ability to get laid, or is it more based in looks than I think? Am I just easily swayed by cockiness? Is it more about chemistry? Pheromones? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Thinner wife, happier marriage? Effed up.

Even more effed up: a rape case in which justice should've been easy to see (he raped her, he's guilty) but instead the raped woman is considered rape-able because she has bipolar disorder. 

9 year olds should be sexy!....I'm getting tired of this shit. Aren't you too? 

The rape of men--a really great piece about a topic usually overlooked. Warning: it can get graphic and maybe triggering so read with caution.

Much love,
The Sheriff