the (stupid) terror of moving up a size

There is something especially demeaning about dressing rooms. The three-dimensional mirrors combined with the fluorescent lighting that shows every dimple and pore and the particularly horrible vision of seeing yourself half-bent over trying to squeeze jeans over your hips...it's horrible. Simply, utterly, effing horrible.

And it's made all the worse when you have to bump up a size in clothes.

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Having endured the trauma of jeans shopping in Target about a month ago (seriously, do they standardize their sizes at all?) and finding all of the pants just wrong (too big, too small, too long), this has been on my mind lately. Sizing down is a huge self-esteem boost, at least for me--there's a frolicking, feeling-light-and-svelte sensation about finding your normal size is just a bit too big. But sizing up? It's a gut-dropping, oy-vey-I'm-disgusting type of feeling.

I think this comes from the fact that we get invested into this idea of who we are that's partially tied to our clothing size (thanks, anti-lady marketing!). When I was thinner, I felt like a lithe and graceful size X, and now that I'm a bit bigger, I feel like a bootylicious size Y.  Because we've been conditioned and bought into this myth, it makes that moment of finding that you fit into the higher size more solidly a bit traumatic and disturbing. It disrupts this false sense of who you are that you've been sold.

However. As I've realized, the bumping up in size can also plainly just mean this: you've gained weight. Which often signals a change of sorts anyway (in lifestyle, eating habits, stress, upheaval, babies, what have you), and that's also hard to cope with, even without the fact that your clothes may not fit you properly. And that's okay. The changes, good and bad, lovely and disastrous, in your life are the important thing here. The bigger pants are just the physical proof of it. That's what I try to tell myself, anyway.

How do you deal with these kinds of moments? Do you keep fat clothes on hand for this, so as not to have to endure the pain of trying on new clothes?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Did you know that the Williams sisters kick ass? Yup. They do.

The GOP really makes it rain, according to Tampa area strippers. 

Some interesting reflections on balance.

This is a bit old now but so so good: rape fatigue and when there's just no anger left. 

This is horrible--woman told not to breastfeed at work because it's nasty and she might spew everywhere.

Much love,
The Sheriff

a new chapter for the sheriff: celibacy

Sex has often been a space of empowerment for me, as you may have gathered from this here lil blog. It's not something I've had much shame or embarrassment about, and something I love to advise people on.

And for now, it's something I'm taking a wee break from for a while. Four months, precisely.

Why would I deprive myself of something that I truly enjoy and that I find an empowering experience? Why does anyone deprive themselves of something they enjoy? To grow and be a better person and to have new things to bitch about to their friends.

Because of changes in my relationship status that are (hopefully!) temporary, I've decided I'm going to stay celibate for four months. This also means no phone number getting and text flirting and all that malarkey. My objective here is to keep things from making my life excessively murky and crowded with people in a way that is not really fun or fulfilling to me right now, but also because I need mental space and time--there's no need to bring dick into the picture.

I'm particularly curious about how this impacts my relationship to my body and myself, given that sex has been a pretty large part of my life throughout my entire adolescence and young adulthood so far, and I want to use this blog as a space to explore that and discuss it and see what changes occur. I'm excited about this. Because I'm doing this as a choice and not because of shame or guilt or in pursuit of some fucked up notion of purity, there's a sense of freedom in this commitment and that's where I'm at with it right now. We'll see if things change.

But don't worry. I won't be going anywhere, despite the planned lack of fornicating. I might even wind up blogging more than normal because of the deprivation!

 Have you ever pursued a self-imposed break from sex? Or has a drought had some surprising side effects?

Much love,
The Sheriff

Friday links

I need a puppy. Here's why.


Some fun myths about female anatomy!

Unrelated to feminism and fornicating, but a great read nonetheless--how gun violence in Philly is creating a whole generation of traumatized people.

This post is phenomenal, about dealing with meta self esteem. READ IT. 

Here in PA, a law was passed that regulates voters by requiring them to have an ID to vote. Not a big deal, right? Except that is disproportionately affects people who vote Democrat. Here's a guide to all the coverage on this important topic.

This woman married young and is ashamed of it. Good read!

A cool photo history of abortion law in the U.S.


Enjoy the weekend!
Much love,
The Sheriff

desirability and self-esteem: the danger of trusting beauty to the eye of the beholder

As we all know by now, a lady's number one goal in life is to be wanted, be pretty, and to be thin (having babies is a close second. Your uterus calls, woman!). This is reinforced to us by our women's magazines that pair the articles on how to raise your self-esteem with how to camouflage your gross body, by men's magazines that illustrate verbally and visually all that is wrong with you, and just everyday life.

That sarcastic critique aside...it's understandable why most of us want to feel desirable, to feel desired by someone. There is little else sexier on this planet than feeling like someone wants you. And it informs our self-esteem, like it or not.

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But unfortunately, the pursuit of this feeling puts the power in the hands of others. Sometimes those others are people who care for you and your well-being, like a significant other or consistent and nice fuck buddy. But sometimes it means putting your own desirability into the hands of random people, like the frat boys on the bus who are (not so subtly) checking you out, or the guidos who yell out of their Mitsubishi, "Whoa, look at those tits!" (Which may or may not have happened to me waiting to cross the street in Atlantic City last wee). And that's sad and gross.

Furthermore, BEAUTY FADES. We can't control it as much as we'd like to believe we can, despite the magical powers and products of Sephora. As pointed out in Sarah Von's great post on What's The Point of Pretty?, it fades (according to society's youth-centered definition) each day and there's nothing you can do to preserve it precisely as it is.

And trying to fit into this mold of desirability holds us back in so many small but heartbreaking ways. It tears us down and we can't do anything about it if we keep giving ourselves away.

So what to do? Take it back! It's not easy to stop wanting attention and wanting to feel desirable, especially given all the conditioning and reinforcement ladies receive for it. But if you focus on doing the things that make you feel desirable and wanted, not the performance of what you think you should do, you're on the right track. Better yet, form a personality and full life so compelling, you won't have too much energy left to focus on if you're meeting the hotness requirements of the random strangers you meet in bars.

Do you ever fall into this desirability trap? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

"just playin'"--sexual harassment and pressure in the workplace

My freshman year of life was spent in a largely male-dominated environment--specifically, a beefy black man environment. Given my role in life as a petite, busty, blonde, there was natural humor to be found in the contrast between their role and appearance in the workplace and mine. A bro-like relationship developed.

the best picture of "bros" I could find

There was often a lot of joking, some of it related to sex and bodies...which of course led to some directed at the Sheriff's outrageous shape. Given the fact that it is my workplace, I didn't disclose that I've been writing a blog about sex that includes stories of my VCH piercing or attempts at anal, but I can't hide my body, no matter how hard I try. Most of the jokes were presumably good-natured or at the very least not ill-intentioned, and some of them were even funny! But sometimes, I just felt uncomfortable. Having your butt or boobs verbally poked at gets old, at best. I started to wonder why sexual harassment/sexual annoyance when men get in groups is so damn common.

From what I've gathered and surmised, it looks like men bond over sexualizing women. Boys clubs are all about bonding over sexualizing women. Being able to comfortably talk to and bond with the men at my work is important to me, but why does blending in and being successful mean acting like a dude?

Because! As we all know, any subordinated group has to conform to the dominant group's ways in order to be seen and be successful. This ranges from women having to wear boring, sexless suits to work to be taken seriously or the Williams sisters' wearing of beads on the tennis court being criticized as inappropriate.

So how do I point out that sometimes it makes me uncomfortable without being a shrill harpy? I think changing the subject simply is the best way. Sometimes the jokes are genuinely funny, so changing the subject or gently pointing out that I don't want to hear that should be reserved for the more obnoxious situations.

What do you do about this? Ever encounter it in your world?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

In case you were under a rock: Todd Akin's insanely preposterous and wrong comments about how when a woman is legitimately raped, her body will "shut down" a pregnancy. Because SCIENCE. 

From Eve Ensler: Dear Todd Akin (fun fact: I hugged Eve Ensler at an event at Smith. It was awesome).

Could I be pregnant? flowchart (warning: it's not scientific, like Todd Akin's views on rape).

Shocking! Romney has no support from black voters.

Just in case you were feeling too secure about yourself--here's everything that dudes think is wrong with you.

Much love,
The Sheriff