desirability and self-esteem: the danger of trusting beauty to the eye of the beholder

As we all know by now, a lady's number one goal in life is to be wanted, be pretty, and to be thin (having babies is a close second. Your uterus calls, woman!). This is reinforced to us by our women's magazines that pair the articles on how to raise your self-esteem with how to camouflage your gross body, by men's magazines that illustrate verbally and visually all that is wrong with you, and just everyday life.

That sarcastic critique aside...it's understandable why most of us want to feel desirable, to feel desired by someone. There is little else sexier on this planet than feeling like someone wants you. And it informs our self-esteem, like it or not.

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But unfortunately, the pursuit of this feeling puts the power in the hands of others. Sometimes those others are people who care for you and your well-being, like a significant other or consistent and nice fuck buddy. But sometimes it means putting your own desirability into the hands of random people, like the frat boys on the bus who are (not so subtly) checking you out, or the guidos who yell out of their Mitsubishi, "Whoa, look at those tits!" (Which may or may not have happened to me waiting to cross the street in Atlantic City last wee). And that's sad and gross.

Furthermore, BEAUTY FADES. We can't control it as much as we'd like to believe we can, despite the magical powers and products of Sephora. As pointed out in Sarah Von's great post on What's The Point of Pretty?, it fades (according to society's youth-centered definition) each day and there's nothing you can do to preserve it precisely as it is.

And trying to fit into this mold of desirability holds us back in so many small but heartbreaking ways. It tears us down and we can't do anything about it if we keep giving ourselves away.

So what to do? Take it back! It's not easy to stop wanting attention and wanting to feel desirable, especially given all the conditioning and reinforcement ladies receive for it. But if you focus on doing the things that make you feel desirable and wanted, not the performance of what you think you should do, you're on the right track. Better yet, form a personality and full life so compelling, you won't have too much energy left to focus on if you're meeting the hotness requirements of the random strangers you meet in bars.

Do you ever fall into this desirability trap? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff