lack of sex and self esteem: the power of choice

As you may have read, the Sheriff is giving celibacy the ol' college try. And seeing as no one is aggressively throwing sex in my general direction, it hasn't been too difficult. Kinda lonely, as we move into cuddling season, but not hard in and of itself (there's a dick pun in that sentence. I'll leave the mystery intact and let you find it). Celibacy really increasing my sense of pride and self-esteem. Which is a reversal of how it felt early on. Let me explain.

Like many, many, many people, I like feeling wanted and desirable and like I'm worth someone's time.And when someone chooses you so clearly, it's easy to let that distract you out of who you are and who you are when you're alone and what matters to you. This amnesia afflicts lots of young people (though it's not just limited to the follies of youth) when we're in that phase where who we are is still crystallizing and it's easy to fall into a relationship with someone and start to become who they want you to be or who you think they want you to be. I realized that it was easy for me to wind up somehow in one relationship after another, all of which were fine and decent and taught me things about myself...but only one of which in the last six years I can say I really, consciously chose. And that's a shame because to me, one of the central tenets of feminism and being a modern lady of sorts is that we choose how we live and the things we do--we choose when to have kids, where to live, whether or not to take our partner's last name in marriage, whether or not to get married at all or to spend your days with a cat in a one-bedroom apartment, perfectly fulfilled anyway.


Not flirting with and fucking has actually increased my self-esteem and sense of pride considerably--I'm choosing this, consciously. And when I do choose to have sex again, that'll be a conscious choice too. And I feel pretty damn good about that.

Much love,
The Sheriff

an ode to my legs

Kate of Eat the Damn Cake regularly does an un-roast at the end of each post, where she praises a body part or feature of hers. In that spirit, I'm taking this Monday to praise my legs.

From the age of three onward, I wanted to be a ballerina. I was not necessarily a graceful child, and spent most of my time running around in the woods with no shoes on, talking to myself and scraping my knees, but at the barre, in front of the mirror in my leotard, I felt elegant (except that I was three and didn't know what that meant). Dance has been a part of my life ever since, and it's always been a space where my legs serve me well--fast moving, strong, sure of themselves.

They've changed drastically over the years--pudgy and childlike as a kid, stick thin and lean during the eating disorder years, then strong and solid again. They're not long and sexy like a Victoria's Secret model sashaying down the runway. I've had Marvel compliment them for being "short and strong," which is code for stocky and squat. And while there are definitely more graceful ways to express that, I actually like that they're stocky. I could pick them out of a lineup--they hold their own on the leg press machine, and always impress me with their flexibility. Even now, when they're decidedly more jiggly than perhaps ever before, I like them. They're not perfect, but they're entirely, wholly mine.


Do you have a body part you love, despite it's non-conventional features?

Much love,
The Sheriff

celibacy updates

It's been about six weeks since I've gotten any action from anyone besides my $90 vibrator (sidebar: a worthwhile investment), and I've learned a few things.

My loneliness factor has increased quite a bit. I've got plenty of friends and family and work and hobbies to fill my time. I'm not depressed. I just really do miss the sex, the whole bit of it: the foreplay and the tension and the release and the warm body next to me afterwards.

Sex is a way of connecting the is profound and exquisite when done right, and pathetic and weak when it's not. It's sort of similar to food--you can have a delicious, healthy, warm meal that fills you up and makes you feel energetic and strong, or you can have cheap, queasy-inducing crap from the convenience store that fills you up once in a while but makes you feel coma-like and fat later. Maybe that analogy's a stretch, but I stand by it. The thought of breaking my celibacy streak for junk-food sex makes me sad and even more resistant to gettin' it in with anyone.


That's where I'm at with it so far.

Any questions on avoiding dick or what it's like or advice on how to keep it up?

Much love,
The Sheriff

Friday Links

Feminist movements are key to creating big change? Who knew?!

I love this child.

You know that cute D-day picture of the sailor and nurse kissing? Reading this made me realize it's actually gross and sad.

Surely you've heard about Romney's animosity for Sesame Street. Here's some amazing sad Sesame Street images.

Much love,
The Sheriff

it's october...

...and you know what that means: Halloween decorations, pumpkin lattes, and breast cancer awareness month. Pink ish is EVERYWHERE.

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This month, there's lot of push for awareness of breast cancer and raising money and research and terrifying articles in magazines. SELF did a feature on women in their 20s with cancer and I examined every part of my body for lumps...concluding only that my shin bones are frighteningly bumpy. But lately, statistics shows that formal breast self-exams (you know the kind--you have to do it monthly, following a complex navigational chart that hangs in your shower ominously) and casually touching your boobs and noticing their changes from their normal state are equally effective.

The takeaway? Get to know your body and yourself. If you know your boobs, you'll notice if there's a dimpling or lump or change. Self-awareness might not cure you of diseases, but it can help you take agency and catch them early on.

So. Do it. Feel your boobies!

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Feminist Disney. Hell yes.

Mandy Stadt discusses that most men are actually terrified of being written about while dating a sex blogger.  WORD.

The Not Your Baby app (which is free!) gives snarky comebacks to gross street harassment. I got it and it is veritably awesome.

A history of subversive knitting. Weirdly fascinating .


"Not only can’t you tell anything about my health or behaviors by looking at me, those things are not a barometer for my worthiness and are absolutely not any of your business."

Have a great weekend!
Much love,
The Sheriff

Sheriff's Wisdom: Threesomes

This post is likely to be one in a series, Sheriff's Wisdom. I've been lucky enough to have friends and strangers and family members approach me with questions about sex, bodies, relationships, and lady issues of all kinds. Here goes the first week's column!

I was asked last year about this one by a friend (and was completely and totally flattered because I am by no means an expert, I just talk a lot about this stuff): What're the effects of bringing another person/people in the bedroom? How do you deal with potential hurt feelings/jealousy? How do you pick the right person?

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First of all, to anyone considering adding another body to their bedroom, kudos on being open enough to look outside of the confines of monogamy. I would also like to say, if you have no interest in a threesome or no interest beyond the thoughts you have when you're alone with your vibrator, that's completely and totally fine and you're not a prude. Lately, I feel like it's treated as if it's a deserved thing for men in monogamous relationships (consider the lyrics of Kanye in "Birthday Song" where he says that if you've given your girl a BMW, you automatically qualify for a menage a trois! It's just that easy, gentlemen), and that women need to be increasingly freaky in order to get attention or to not seem frigid. Which is some bullshit.

However.

If that is not you, and you are genuinely interested in pursuing this option, read on!

I think that threesomes, done right, can be a fun way to make a monogamous relationship more expansive or a way to have casual fun that need not be with anyone you know. But if you're already in a relationship, picking that third wheel is an important part of making the process a positive experience. Your options are basically the following: A. Pick someone you already know. B. Pick someone who is mostly a stranger. There are pros and cons to both. With someone you know, you likely have more trust and can determine perhaps to a better extent how jealous you might feel--would it be okay with you to see the person who was giving your partner oral around campus? What if they were friends before and continued to hang out afterwards? Would that make you feel jealous and queasy? With a stranger, of course, there's different problems too--you don't know them at all, so they could be full of diseases, and even if they're not full of warts, they could present a threat to your relationship precisely because they're an unknown variable. In either combo, I strongly recommend a little alcohol to loosen things up and get it started--liquid courage is necessary when embarking on something as awkward to begin as three-way sexual interaction.

What to do with any feelings that arise? You must be comfortable with your partner and confident enough in your bond to feel okay explaining to them how it made you feel afterward. If a threesome leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth (pun not intended), you must be able to tell them that and own it and not feel apologetic. It's up to the two of you at that point for how to repair, but I'd suggest starting with some real good, monogamous, lovey dovey sex to restore a bit of confidence in your bond as a couple. Works wonders

Bottom line is: you need to have honest discussions before you do this is jealousy is an issue or something you think would flare up. You need to know your boundaries and your partner's boundaries well in advance, to avoid a meltdown mid-fuck. And you need to be comfortable, whatever that means for you. A threesome should be an experience where it's fun and exciting and sexy, not something that makes you feel insecure or bad about your performance or body or relationship.


Have you had a threesome? Any advice on this matter?

Much love,
The Sheriff

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