clothes in the workplace: it's hard out here for a female

I have a new, older co-worker. She's about my mom's age and a lovely person, so I feel protective of her, in some reverse way. She's never worked in an environment like ours before, so I find myself giving her a fair amount of advice about how to handle various issues. She's very passionate about what she does and a nice person.

But GOOD LORD she dressea inappropriately for work. Almost borderline Suri from 30 Rock inappropriate for work. It's hard for me suss out if her age makes it seem more or less appropriate. She clearly goes to the gym and is proud of her body, which everyone deserves to be. But there is something about it that makes me feel bad, because it gives people something to talk about and snicker behind her back about, and no one deserves that.

I fully support someone's right to wear whatever clothes they choose, and I'm all for trying to be non-judgmental of someone regardless of what they're wearing. But the reality of the situation is that what we wear results in judgments about our abilities, our sexuality, and our intelligence, especially for women. It DOES NOT mean that what we wear is an invitation to treat us differently or to ignore non-consent. But you want to have some judgmental, mean thoughts? Keep 'em to yourself!

That being said.

By sharing too much of your body at work, you're putting yourself at a disadvantage to share your great ideas and to show off your mind. It's a touch exchange and it's hard to go back when you've been elected the one who wears revealing clothes.

What do you think? What's the limit at work for you? Do you just skip this whole step and work from home/wear men's suits so no one can question it?

Much love,
The Sheriff

the language of the dating game: predator and prey

As I get older and move closer to the ancient age of my almost mid-twenties, I'm becoming more observant of the subtleties in the way that we explain dating and sex. Listening to the kids that I work with and hearing how they talk about sex and the opposite gender makes it ever more clear to me why the game is rigged so often into a predator and prey dynamic, like watching the Discovery channel. The language of dating is all about a competition, a game of keep away.

Hitting on a girl, and trying to get her number? You "bagged" her. Yes, like a deer, for those of you who know the hunting reference.

Heterosexual men, did you get laid recently after chasing a woman for a while? You "got the panties," as if they're a trophy.


The examples go on and on. The overall messages for each gender that come out of this dynamic are very clear.

Ladies--guard your virtue, keep you legs shut! But if you do it too much, you're just a cunt and a frigid bitch. Too little of the leg-shutting is an automatic stamp of being a whore, which means of course you cannot be wife material (see: Snoop Dogg's "Housewife," which informs us that it is impossible to transform a ho into a housewife. I'd like to see some retribution on that front from female rappers, ASAP).

Men! You're the predators. You're an animal! You must subdue the ladies' natural defenses and attempts to ward off your creepiness in order to be the winner, since this is after all simply a game and you must be the victor.

Does anyone else think this is a healthy dynamic, or that it sets up a good path to healthy relationships? Mmmhmm. I agree. I also think it's the reason why women are so often painted as the predator only in pursuing our ultimate status symbol: the wedding ring. Men are portrayed as falling into our seductive traps in the pursuit of sex, while we lure them into our matrimonial jaws.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to simply try not to speak of dating and sex in such terms. It's a simple change, but it influences how others talk to you as well. If you use terms like "bitch" in place of "woman" and talk about sex like it's a sport, you encourage the people around you to do that too. If you take the high road and try to eschew such language, at least around younger folks, it sets up a better standard of interaction for all of us.

Thoughts?

Much love,
The Sheriff

Friday Links!

WORD!

Remember Monday's post about Christmas toys and gender norming and all that nonsense? Well, this awesome girl is circulating a petition imploring Hasbro to feature boys in the packaging for the Easy Bake Oven so her little bro feels more confident using it!

I really like The Hawkeye Initiative.

FUCK YOU MENSTRUATION. Indeed.

Can dressing modestly improve body image? Interesting take on this.

Have a great weekend!
Much love,
The Sheriff

how to have a one night stand

Over drinks in Manayunk over a month ago (IT'S BEEN TOO LONG GUYS), a friend asked me: how do you actually have a one night stand? The directions seem simple:

1. Find person of appropriate attractiveness.
2. Attract them.
3. SEXY TIMES!

But her question was getting at more of an emotional question: how do you resist the urge to try to connect with them in a bigger way, if you really just want no-strings-attached fun? How do you just let it be that one, hopefully fun, night and keep it moving?

I've had a small number of true one night stands, where it happened and then there was no talking again. Far more of those interactions evolved into one of those friends-with-benefits situations, where a "what're you up to tonight" text turns into a night of takeout and doin' it (well...thanks LL). But as for the successfully NSA fun kind of nights, I realized as I was talking to her about this that I had a very simple and effective two prong approach.

1. Do not get their phone number, and definitely don't give them yours. If you truly want a one time, easy thing, don't give them the idea that it could be a more regular thing or blossom into some type of emotional connection. Does this feel a little more sleazy than pretending that you'd like to see them again or take them out for dinner? Sure. But so what?! It's a one night stand. It's not meant to be a way to judge your moral actions or if you're a good person. It's about satisfaction.

2. Pretend they're dead (or castrated, if you must see them again). This is the part that I was not totally aware that I thought, but it makes the first part of my approach far more effective. If they're dead to you/castrated, then you won't be tempted to contact them again for sex or coffee or whatever flimsy cover you're using if it's someone you already interact with like a classmate or co-worker, but you can still interact with them if you must.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that part of them being dead. It's sort of an objectification of the person, in that after the boning has finished, they're dead to you. But if it protects you emotionally, and you're clear that they're after the same kind of night that you are, who cares? As long as it doesn't result in mistreating said person, it seems harmless to me.

Do you agree? How do you maintain emotional distance in one night stands? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

christmas toys, gender norming, and all that fun stuff.

One of my favorite times of the year is Christmas (or winter holiday season, if I'm going to be my politically correct, bleeding-heart liberal self). In part, this is because I love Christmas movies, songs, and the fact that people are generally slightly less mean during this season, but let's be real: I love gift guides. I love that in magazines or blogs they're sorted according to the kind of person you're shopping for (trendy gal pal? Outdoorsy dad? It's all covered!), and I guess my German instincts can appreciate sorting people like that.

But they're also deeply sexist, especially for kids, in a kind of way that makes me just queasy. Looking through the Black Fridays ads with my mama a few weeks ago, I made an observation that is by no means new in the feminist world, but which bears repeating and noticing at the very least.

Toys for boys involve fun things, movement, doing stuff, attacking, ACTION.

Toys for girls involve pink stuff, dressing up, taking care of things, PASSIVITY.

Sometimes, it's just that obvious. Check this ad from Toys R Us.

As you can see, it's blue, which means it's obviously for children born with penises. And in case you couldn't guess by all the pointing and shooting and building things, the title on the page assures you that these toys are ACTION-PACKED! Because these young leaders of men deserve nothing less than action, right?

I'll be honest: these toys look fun. Potentially damaging to the interior of a house, but fun to play with and explore and interact with.

The girls' toys? Not so much.

There's not really any description of the toys. There's just a lot of dolls, pink, Barbies, and sitting. Nothing flying or remote controlled (except perhaps the pink Cadillac for Barbie and her friends). It's all passive. It could perhaps be argued that it inspires more creativity because the child playing with these toys would have to invent the action themselves (which for me, as a child, meant making my Barbies awkwardly have sex with each other, while my stuffed animals watched and gossiped. Growing up in a small town, this is pretty true to life for what adolescence held for most of us). They're not just less fun, in my definition of fun, but they also set girls up to see themselves as the passive ones, the thing that is acted upon instead of the ones taking action themselves, the ones serving others. And that makes me sad.

That being said...there are signs of progress for our society (or what progress can be gleaned from the pages of the Toys R Us catalog!). Check this out:

See those kitchens on the right? BOYS AND GIRLS baking brownies and feeding their imaginary brats. Of course, the page is still outlined in pink, so you know this is really intended for those boy tots you already think are homos, but hey, it's better than nothing.

So. I beg of you to take some awareness into the holiday season as you shop for the kids in your life. Consider getting gender-neutral gifts, or something that flips the dichotomy on its head: buy that sweet little girl a fake fun, or get that boy the dress up set you know he'd love.

What're you getting the kids in your life? As a kid, did you get gender-specific gifts from family members and Santa?

Much love,
The Sheriff

finally finally back!

Sorry that horrible hiatus (mostly horrible for me, since writing is one of the highlights of my life)! I got sick, then I spilled water on my laptop like a pro, then the repair dudes took a while to get it back to me...long story short, The Sheriff is back! Regular posting to resume on Monday. I am so psyched! We belong together, readers. We really do.

Much love,
The Sheriff

Woe is me!

Deep apologies for the lack of posting! I have a bunch of exciting things to blog about but there was this little hurricane named Sandy that swept through Philly, and now my laptop has taken an electronic dump on me so all posting has ground to a halt.

I'll be back soon! I hope.

Much love,
The Sheriff