July 4th was Independence Day for most of the country, marked by fireworks, backyard BBQs, and patriotic trappings all over the place. For me, July 4th was the day I become a surrogate mom to 107 teenage girls.
This job is much more intense than I thought it would be; by 8:30 this morning, I had comforted a crying homesick girl, given directions to the gym and various stores downtown, fielded three phone calls from parents, and at least a dozen smaller tasks too minute to list but time-consuming on their own. The rest of the day fills up with tracking down missing girls, delegating to my interns (<3 love you guys!), and fielding the occasional bank account break-in. I only realize the depth of my exhaustion when I stop moving.
Don't get me wrong: I love my job. But it startlingly resembles, to me, early parenthood. The flurrying around, the unnecessary panic, the putting my own needs on the back burner to meet others' needs, the sleep deprivation (oh, the sleep deprivation). Even now as I type this, I'm technically on my "night off," but I've fielded phone calls and emails despite this supposed time to relax...just like a mom needs to pick up/maintain the house/etc while her child naps. I went to a bar but actually came back because I felt guilty leaving the kids! So much happens in the course of the day that when people ask me how it's going/what I've been up to, I draw a blank and mumble something about residential tasks.
But this brings me to the big question: Is motherly "dowdiness," manifested both in physically caring less about one's appearance than one would like to, evidenced in me moving away from cute tops and skinny jeans to cut-off shorts and flip flops with whatever top is within arms reach as well as in neglecting one's needs and desires for those of the child, a cultural phenomenon or simply what happens when one has a child (note that for the record, as tired as I may get at times, I know having an actual baby would blow me out of the water compared to this job...and no one pays you for that. Usually. Digression over!)?
I believe that, like most things, it's both nature and nurture. We've been conditioned to believe that unless a woman gives up all her personality for her children, she is a bad mother, she is selfish, she's probably a whore! But the simple nature of parenthood, having a helpless individual totally dependent on you to have its myriad needs met, also demands that you re-prioritize your life. I find myself growing a little irritated at the individuals who don't change much about their lives with a baby on the scene: they continue to party regularly, dumping the kid off at grandma's place while they act with their friends as if nothing's changed. But I also cringe at the idea that your personality must disappear just because sperm and egg collided.
Flying in the face of this so-called maternal instinct is the "hot mom" trend, which thrives on the idea stated above: just because you're a mom doesn't mean you can't be hot, hip, and maintain a personality. With your overdone makeup and Pilates taut body, you'll prove to all the other PTA members that you can have and do it all without your hair out of place and with your pre-pregnancy jeans on. Which is great...if it's what you really want, not merely something you find yourself collapsing in on because of the cultural pressure to be/do/have it all.
And for the record, I've never heard of a man feeling the pressure to be a FILF.
What say ya'll?
Much love,
The Sheriff
This is something I've been struggling with myself. I'm about to turn 28 and expecting my first child in the fall. Up until now I had, in my mind, a happy balance of life's responsibilities and pleasures. I worked about 60 hours a week at a very mundane bank job but I also was a professional dancer and competed in ballroom dance competitions. I was out dancing, either at practice at the studio or just out at a club, 4-6 nights a week.
ReplyDeleteI know that I obviously cannot keep the same pace I used to once I have a child. But, I also refuse to become a mom that does nothing but tend to her child. I want to maintain some of myself. I've already had to stop dancing as much because I just can't physically do it right now. I am off work at least until the baby comes.
I am really at a loss as to what comes next. I am determined to be the best mother possible while also still being myself. We shall see how that actually works for me when the time comes.
I recently had an older woman in the grocery store tell me that my top was inappropriate for a young mother. I told her to kindly go fuck herself. Just because I have a baby doesn't mean I'm going to give up dressing how I want. I'm damn proud of how good I look after having just had a baby.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I am still a very good mother and dote on my son in ridiculous amounts. Every now and again Brandon's mom will volunteer to babysit so Brandon and I can go see a movie, but it's not a "lets ditch the baby at grandma's and go get shitty" scenario.
ReplyDeleteYou can absolutely wear cleavagey shirts and be a good mom! And out of all the young mothers I know, you seem like one of the most committed to your child. :)
ReplyDelete-Jackie
Speaking of the difficulties of workin' and bein' a mama: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/10/AR2010071002610.html?hpid=artslot
ReplyDeleteLady Lola