When people hear that I attend a woman's college, the top question (after, "Oh. So you're all, like, gay, right?") is hands down: "How do you stand the cattiness?" Implicit in this statement being the fact that with a campus full of vaginas, shit must go down.
Surprisingly (or not), this hasn't really been my experience. Sure, community living can have its drama (I recall someone stealing my face wash in front of me my first year, as well as many dirty kitchens and much house booty problems), but I've discovered that for most of us, without the presence of men in abundance to bring out the insecurities and harried comparisons, a lot of the jealousy and cattiness disintegrates. But it is not so in the real world, or whenever Smithies interact with it (exception: Northern California, where at my sister's wedding this weekend, the groom's ex-wife gave a toast about how my sister was great and a better match for him, without a touch of detectable malice or sarcasm. These hippies have got it down).
I'm not afraid to admit that I've sat with my Albright ladies and criticized women from afar (usually via Facebook. Don't judge, you scope out their exes too). When Beefcake began sleeping with other women, stalking them via Facebook and verbally destroying them in a group provided some solace for the emotional wounds I was sustaining (hey, maybe I'd been betrayed, but she's got a muffin top and my tits are better). It even extends into sex; I used to actively pride myself on being the best any of my partners has ever had, being the most flexible, the one with the most stamina, the one who could deep throat longest, feeling like I just had to be better somehow. Like insults, I knew I had to prove myself in the arenas of looks and sex. I'm loathe to admit it because it sounds petty and I "should" be more confident than it, but sometimes, jealousy rears its ugly head. Despite my beliefs in sisterhood and supporting other women and all that, I can't help but tear my claws into other women I don't even know, seeking validation that I'm better than she is, that I have nothing to worry about, that I've somehow won the prize of male attention and with it the right to say horrible things (she's got cankles! She looks like a slut!) about other women.
Jealousy, much like judgment, breaks down the possibility of connections or recognition of common humanity. And it's particularly virulent and ugly amongst ladies involved with men. Conditioning has resulted in the male gaze carrying so much weight in our minds, and its appraisal of our worth, sad as it is to admit, is deeply significant to our self esteem. Indulging in that jealousy and getting your Facebook creep on only further fosters insecurity, anxiety, and emotional distance that we really could do without.
So let's take that power back. Let's stop calling each other whores and stupid and ugly. Let's focus on what we've got, instead of denigrating them for what we think they don't. Let's take a cue from Bikini Kill and encourage each other, even as we feel insecure: "Being a sexy & powerful female is one of the most subversive projects of all. (We are the priestesses of a new kind of power oh yeah). We know we are not like this due to any weird gene formation or luck or trick. We are how we are from working together with our eyes open & having experiences & getting help from our moms & friends. We vow to struggle against the “j” word (jealousy), the killer of GIRL LOVE. We are not special, anyone can do it. ENCOURAGEMENT IN THE FACE OF INSECURITY is a slogan of the revolution.”
Much love,
The Sheriff
In my experience that type of horrible behavior really drops away with age and maturity. I used to expect that kind of reaction and interaction between women, but now if I hear someone engage in it it's quite striking and really, just pitiable.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I can tell insecurity is the only reason people do this and it is just so sad to see. Having to point out why you are supposedly "better" than another woman, especially in the realm of body and sex, just indicates to whoever's listening that you feel like shit about yourself.
With honest reflection, jealousy can be a useful tool for gaining self-knowledge and confidence. Whenever I feel that initial sting of envy (in whatever realm- academic accomplishments, fashion sense, artistic ability, etc) I know it's time to sit down and really think about what's going on with me.
I agree that it's largely motivated by insecurity--for myself in particular as someone who has struggled with eating disorders, I know that's certainly true. But I think it's widespread enough (i.e., literally every female I've spoken to about this) to reflect a bigger problem than simply an individual person's failings. But I also agree that working on it and reflecting on what's provoking that reaction can make it dissipate.
ReplyDelete--The Sheriff
"Let's focus on what we've got" - easier said than done. Even when a conscious effort is made to appreciate what we have, it's too easy to take it for granted because it's there every gosh darn day regardless of whether we appreciate it or not. When others have what we're working for or what we want and cannot have, jealousy is going to rear its ugly head. It can be suppressed, but really, I'm not quite sure it is ever possible to overcome. And suppressing feelings and emotions? Well, it will make our lives more harmonious, but it's painful sometimes to keep thoughts as sinister as jealousy inside.
ReplyDeleteI for one am not advocating suppressing jealousy when it does come up, but processing it. It can be painful to keep these feelings inside, but feeling better at someone else's expense isn't fixing the problem either. One might feel less shitty for the time being, but the insecurity is still there and it will rear its head again.
ReplyDeleteThere is a big difference between confiding in a friend that I feel jealous of so-and-so for X reason, and making fun of a girl because I feel like she's competition.
"When others have what we're working for or what we want and cannot have, jealousy is going to rear its ugly head." I understand this sentiment, but it's not always true. We can actually admire another person for having qualities that we would like to have but don't. I have friends who are more conventionally (or otherwise) attractive than I am, who have more money, are more skillful in ways that I would like to be, who are smarter than I am, are more artistic, have better careers, etc.
If I just accepted jealousy as an inevitable outcome of the imbalance between us, I would seriously damage those friendships, or not be able to be friends with them at all. If it's a quality I'm "working for" then I try to see them as inspiration and motivation to keep working. If it's a quality I "want and cannot have" I just have to make peace with myself over it. They have different genes, come from different families, have had different opportunities, etc. Why do I want that quality in the first place? Is it to better fit some model of what a "woman" is supposed to be? It's often some arbitrary beauty standard that I will never fit and don't need to.
I don't know if it's possible to ever overcome jealousy entirely (like I said, I think a little bit of it can be healthy), but it sure as hell is possible to overcome body hatred and the compulsive need to attract the male gaze.