The ideal of "true love" being with just one person, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, always confounded me a little bit. Isn't it a little scary and maybe even stupid to put all your emotional and sexual eggs in one basket (sexual eggs? Just roll with it)? To imagine that this one individual can satisfy you in every way, forever and always, seems to be an act of extreme hope and idealism, and I think that's why people keep returning to it. But that's also why, at least on a theoretical level, I can see why some folks are attracted to polyamory.
Polyamory is usually defined as the practice of having more than one romantic/sexual relationship at once (and it is also not recognized by my spellcheck...but neither are classism, heteronormative, or transgender!). On the surface level, this just sounds like someone who needs to reel it in a little bit, or maybe they've just got some control issues or daddy didn't love them enough or whatever. But, done right, for some people, it is a great and much more emotionally sustainable system than monogamy.
But for it to be that, it's got to honest, consensual, and responsible. I read Open by Jenny Block last winter, and it gave me a lot to chew on and think about. She got married, imagining she'd be with one dude forever and ever, but slowly began to realize that it wasn't for her, not sexually and definitely not emotionally. Interestingly, while she has a girlfriend, her husband has not seen other people or really indulged in the open half of the relationship, which prompts me to add another trait to the list of necessary factors to make it healthy: mutuality. It sets up a strange power dynamic, to me, if one person indulges their desires with others while their partner, for whatever reason, doesn't. Maybe I just feel that way because it happened to me.
My last relationship, with Beefcake, ended in a really horrible way. We were both intelligent enough people and had been together long enough to know each other's emotional states pretty thoroughly. We'd always had threesomes and I was nearly always down to try anything he suggested, but it reached a point where that wasn't enough: he insisted on being able to sleep with other women. The alternative was to end the relationship as I was beginning treatment for my eating disorder. I felt like I needed him, and made the most regrettable choice of my life: I said yes to an open relationship.
It didn't improve anything. It only made things more amplified and worse all around. When he told me he'd had sex with someone else for the first time, it was while I was driving the 300 miles to PA to see him. I had to pull over on the side of the road to cry, I was sobbing so hard. After that, he continued to sleep with other people, but began lying to me about it. It was an absolute disaster. But, there are plenty of people out there for whom this is the right choice, and when responsibly done with honesty, consent and mutuality, it can be an alternative for someone who doesn't fit into our model that accepts only two partners.
While I cannot recommend polyamory to anyone, as it definitely did not do my life any favors, I think it raises some really great questions about the nature of monogamy that are worth exploring. Can one person really be your everything? Should they? Is it an ideal to aim for, or a broken institution intent on monitoring female sexuality? Or is it hard, but worth fighting for with the right individual? Talk it up!
Much love,
The Sheriff
PS-HAPPY COMING OUT DAY!
This is a really interesting question that I encountered at Smith for the first time. A friend I made senior year was poly, and though I can't say I know very well how it works for him (I don't know the details of his relationships), he seems relatively happy. I, meanwhile, have always found monogamy works better for me--I can be a pretty jealous person. I've done the serial monogamy thing (by accident), and the casual dating thing, but I met that special someone and, for the first time, I feel like I'm actually content and happy where I am. Maybe in another life I could've tried polyamory but right here and right now, monogamy is for me. I'd say it's definitely idealism at its best--but who's to say that means it's untrue, or won't work? Maybe if it weren't forced on people by the government, more people would be free to choose the relationship style that's right for them, rather than try to force themselves to be in a relationship they aren't suited for. Perhaps the divorce rate would even go down, who knows. I say live and let live, and let people love whomever they choose in whatever manner they choose, because otherwise, we can't really call it "freedom".
ReplyDeleteIts funny because I've always thought of polyamory as multiple people in one relationship. Don't think TLC's "Sister Wives" more like Summer People by Marge Piercy. I knew people at Smith who entered into this situation and perhaps the idea of everyone in the relationship needing more than one person's strengths and experiences was appealing but it always seemed to end up more like living in a triple where it eventually becomes two against one. Which can't be good emotionally or sexually.
ReplyDeleteI've had really positive experiences with polyamory. The only problems that have come up still would have come up--and likely been worse-- if the relationships had been monogamous. A lot of issues that I've had in monogamous relationships have been eliminated completely as a result of being polyamorous in a responsible way.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I've never transitioned a relationship from monogamy to polyamory. People do make it work, but it has its own whole set of challenges, as you've experienced.
I disagree that both people must have outside relationships in order for polyamory to work. I've dated multiple people at once who were not dating anyone else and, though I'm not a mindreader, it seemed to work well for all involved. I'm still close friends with almost all of them. The only snags happened when I was not communicating as well as I needed to.
It's important to keep in mind that polyamory is not a cure-all for shitty relationship behavior. Some people are going to be shitty in monogamous relationships, and those people will also be shitty in polyamorous ones. If you are polyamorous with someone and they lie about their other sexual/romantic relationships, or otherwise act selfishly and cowardly, they probably would have done the same thing if you had been/remained monogamous with them. If someone coerces you into being polyamorous, they are likely to screw you over in the end, because a shitty coercive person is a shitty coercive person no matter what relationship model they use.
Also, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's Opening Up for anyone considering polyamory or just wanting to broaden the way they think about relationships. There are really good sections on jealousy, time management, etc.
ReplyDeletehttp://books.google.com/books?id=_HrTMMm9abUC&dq=opening+up+books&hl=en&ei=UOO1TLmpDYrZnAf3jcVq&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CD4Q6AEwAg