fat as a feeling: why it's important to listen to fat talk

 Most folks know that I am a proponent of not letting friends diss their bodies (at least not in front of me). Sure, we all do it occasionally, but to critique your bod in a negative way in front of a group of women you love and have none of them speak up constructively is a crime to me. The typical response to a bodily complaint ("My calves are disgusting!") is to retort in kind ("Are you kidding? My thighs are monstrous!") or to dismiss the other person's concerns ("Shut up, your calves are lovely and strong."). And I've definitely done both of these, but I appreciate lately another approach: actually hearing their concerns and addressing them.

 Now, this doesn't mean that you have to indulge them in their bodily insecurities ("Yeah, your calves are pretty nasty."), since to do so would make you both an asshole and a bad friend. But rarely does someone merely complain about their body merely to get their feelings off their chest about their supposedly heinous attributes. It generally comes from a place of anxiety that is displaced onto their body, particularly in eating disordered individuals or people with disordered eating, but frankly in all women as well.

I was reading Purge by Nicole Johns for the first time (warning: VERY triggering) recently and underlined the crap out of this passage:

"To be more precise, fat is a combination of feelings and experiences. It is a complex feeling, a collection of simple feelings bound together. I notice my body more when I am in an uncomfortable situation, when I am emotionally overstimulated or fearful. By focusing on my body at the precise moment when I am so emotionally uncomfortable, I am deflecting the uncomfortable emotions onto something tangible—my body. When I say I’m feeling fat, I am eluding my feelings; it is a defense mechanism."

 Saying that you feel fat is rarely, if ever, about actually having gained weight. Perhaps that might be a factor too, but usually it's fueled by anxiety about what to do with the next step in life, or feeling insecure in a sexual relationships, or afraid of changes. I'm not at all surprised that my eating disorder made a resurgence in my junior year of college, when I was going through a shift in my relationship and trying to figure out what to do with my life and generally feeling pretty lost. But all of those emotions were deflected and labeled simply: fat. Fat can be controlled, and sometimes it feels that emotions can't. Which is simply untrue! It's a skill that has to be learned, but it absolutely can be.

So just don't tell your friends with body woes to STFU: dig a little deeper, ask some questions about what's going on in other areas of their life, and get to the bottom of their fat feelings. I bet it'll be more therapeutic for everyone.

What do you think? Ever find yourself doing this yourself?

Much love,

The Sheriff