Interacial dating drama

Several recent changes have occurred in the Sheriff's life, including, among other things, graduation, getting and moving into an apartment in a real city for the first time ever, figuring out public transit, and having some romance on the side.

source

And for the first time, the romance involves someone not of my race.

I'm currently seeing a half Black, half Arab man who, although light-skinned, is clearly Not White, and that's what matters when it comes to how people perceive and react to us.

I've been lucky by mistake of birth to be white and because I was raised in a vastly white woodsy town,  totally unaware of race. Sure, I was raised to be not racist and to accept everyone regardless of skin color and all that happy stuff. But I've never had to read "specialty" magazines to find women in ads who look like me; my hair care products are carried everywhere; no one ever asks me how people of my entire racial group feel about rap lyrics or our president or affirmative action. Although I care very much about hearing different perspectives, in feminism and in general, it's not something I'd ever been equipped to give voice to in this here blog as a white chick generally dating/kissing/fucking white dudes (and sometimes white women).

source

And now, I have a slightly more enlightened perspective (but, to be real, still extremely limited) on how much racial relations in this country suck. White people--we really are clueless.

I know most people don't think we are post-racial just because we got Obama in the White House (but this song is still pretty good). But I thought we had made some progress at least since the Civil Rights Era, right? Maybe? Just a little?

But you wouldn't really know it, the way people act towards an unknown large brown man walking around with a small blonde woman. People stare. And I don't mean just gawk the way kids do; I mean stare with a touch of nastiness or confusion in it. We tried to go out to breakfast at a local joint in my woodsy sweet hometown, and it was not sweet. He felt so uncomfortable, we just left. My seemingly progressive parents have had similarly baffling experiences; for the first time ever, my mama talked to me about dating violence and not putting up with it, as if he's some sort of larger threat because he's got brown skin. We get the stares walking around in black communities too.

Crazy.

Have you experienced this, either as a minority yourself or while dating one? Tell me about it, I've missed you!

Much love,
The Sheriff

snow bunnies, sex, and stereotypes

As I will talk more about on Tuesday, I'm now dating a guy of mixed race, and it's bringing up a whole bunch of interesting perspectives, views, and experiences. Most curiously humorous and fucked up of which has been hearing his report on the stereotypes about white girls.

I don't know why it was such a surprise to me to hear the stereotypes about us, or that there even are pre-conceived notions about white chicks. Why wouldn't there be? The other groups are all covered: Black men are supposed to be great at fucking, thanks to their unnaturally large penises, but according to popular belief, they don't go down on women, at all, ever, despite demanding head themselves. Oh, and they'll knock ya up with their super virile sperm. Latinas are spicy little wildcats in bed. Asian men aren't packing it in inches, but they make up for it with skillful love-making and being tender in bed.

And white girls are supposed to be stupid, but stuck-up. We're supposed to be bad kissers, but great at giving head. We "work harder," evidently. And we're rare; that's why white girls are coveted by certain minority men. Snow bunnies. I learned these things when he told me I was a good kisser for a white girl. I laughed and found out that there's apparently a whole racial shortcoming that I've overcome in becoming skillful in kissing.

But the arbitrariness of stereotypes, while humorous, shouldn't be surprising. Most stereotypes are stupidly specific (Asians are good at math, Latin folks are great dancers, Indian people have bad B.O., and so on). Plus, I've done it to other races; why wouldn't they do it to my racial and gender group? Does this explain why black men approach me or my white friends when we're out, because they think we're going to be good at head and they can ignore our bad kissing in pursuit of that or simply because we're hot bitches? And how does it work for mixed race people: would half-Black, half-Asian dude be well-hung but tender, or smaller and less likely to give head--how does the stereotype math work on that one?

It doesn't. Because this whole thing is ridiculous. People are just people, and they bring their own individual unique preferences, skills and shortcomings to the table, sexually and otherwise.

What ridiculous sex stereotypes have you heard? Let me hear it.

Much love,
The Sheriff

FF is not dead!

Sorry for the break in posting. The Sheriff has been crazy busy with Real World things, and is the process of getting internet hookup in her new apartment.

Regular posting to resume some time soon hopefully!

Much love (and missing you!),
The Sheriff

looks vs swagger: what gets ya laid?

source

 I have an ongoing argument with a male friend we'll call, aptly, Skinny. Skinny is very lean and not terribly tall; some might call him "scrawny." He is convinced that this is what keeps him from getting anywhere with women in conversation, which obviously stop him from gettin' it in.

I say bullshit.

80% of what gets anyone laid is swagger. It's confidence. It's the ability to project that you're awesome and that this person is lucky to be with you but in a way that's not conceited or arrogant. It's subtle, but it's powerful when people have it and actually comfortable enough with themselves to turn their swag on. Of course, being anything other than what our mainstream culture defines as attractive could hurt your chances, in theory. But in practice, I have witnessed so many flirtations and pairings that were unbalanced in terms of sheer physical attractiveness but powered by one person's total confidence.

Confidence is flat out hot. When someone is projecting confidence in their attributes, it makes you think they'll have the same skills in pleasing you. This might be a fallacy (I've had my share of missed calls based on swagger alone), but the swagger does its work in getting them interactions with fine people such as yourself.

And what's best is swag isn't something you have or else you're fucked; you can always develop a healthy sense of cockiness and reap the benefits, regardless of whether or not society says you're hot enough to be reaping those sexual benefits. Self-love and a little bit of good posture can do a world of good.

But if you think you're too skinny/short/fat/tall/awkward/differently abled to get pussy/peen, guess what? You're probably right. You've already decided in your own head that you weren't good enough for anyone's attention, and then by being more shy and reserved and less likely to act on that sexy eye contact someone's flashing you across the room, you dash your own chances. And then, of course, since you have just proven to yourself that you can't get any, you won't put it any effort next time either, and so the cycle continues.

I say: Chin up. Get your swag on, and you'll be fine.

But what do you say? Is swagger the ultimate determinant of one's ability to get laid, or is it more based in looks than I think? Am I just easily swayed by cockiness? Is it more about chemistry? Pheromones? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

Thinner wife, happier marriage? Effed up.

Even more effed up: a rape case in which justice should've been easy to see (he raped her, he's guilty) but instead the raped woman is considered rape-able because she has bipolar disorder. 

9 year olds should be sexy!....I'm getting tired of this shit. Aren't you too? 

The rape of men--a really great piece about a topic usually overlooked. Warning: it can get graphic and maybe triggering so read with caution.

Much love,
The Sheriff

who pays?

source

Re: the photo above--I don't think that's true anymore, at least not in the circles I run in. I know of very few women (or men) who want their prospective lover to show that they're deserving of some action by shelling out some serious dough. The whole idea that he should have to buy an expensive dinner to get a blowjob is somewhat foreign to my generation (I think!), and thankfully so: those attitudes turn sex into a direct commodity and not an act of pleasure or enjoyment. But with or without those attitudes present, the discussion over who should pay for dates, dinners, and birth control is still alive, well, and fraught with gendered stereotypes, so let's dive right in, shall we?

There is no right or wrong stance as far as feminism goes in terms of who should pay; personally, I think it's nice to alternate paying in all things shared, which definitely includes birth control since the menfolk benefit as much as you do from not having to financially endure an unplanned pregnancy. But what if thanks to factors like the glass ceiling, the fact that men are typically encouraged to go into high-paying fields like the sciences, engineering, and such moreso than women are, and the plain ol' wage gap, he makes significantly more than you (this could definitely apply to a same-sex couple too, for the record)? Financially, you may not actually be able to meet him one-for-one in alternating paying for things or splitting expenses 50/50, but you also probably don't want to feel like a kept woman, contributing just the pleasure of your company in and out of the bedroom.

So...why pays? You, him, both of you? I struggle with this all the time, so I'd love to hear some thoughts about how other folks keep it balanced.

Much love,
The Sheriff

sex and body image: one night stands vs. relationships

It's no secret that sex, whether it's good, bad, rough, gentle, hetero or queer, can have an enormous impact on your body image. A genuine compliment from a one night stand can uplift us for days and almost nothin' feels better than nice words when you're naked, while a thoughtless callous mention of our thick thighs by a lover can send that self-esteem plummeting right back down. Simply being chosen as the recipient of someone's affections, sexual or sweeter, can be a body image boost, since they looked at all the peeps in the bar and singled out you. While we might get body commentary from any number of sources and not just the folks we get freaky with, it's just more potent and the words have more impact when they're coming from someone who has seen your O-face, or your nude body in the unflattering morning light, or exactly what your ass looks like from behind.

Today, I'm curious about if we can say one is better for your self-esteem and body image than the other.

Obviously, there's no concrete answer here since so much of either interaction depends on the specifics of your situations. Is he sensitive and verbose in his praise? Is she a more tight-lipped or just a downright meanie? One-nighters can be just as delightfully gentle and worshipful in their compliments as a relationship can, and frankly, the boost of being picked out as a hottie solely on the basis of your physical attractiveness (which is, to me, equals parts chemistry of personality, swagger, and actual looks, but that's an upcoming post) can be a huge turn-on. Feeling wanted is downright sexy. But if it's dependent mainly on getting external feedback from others and not from telling yourself how gorgeous and want-able you are, that might not be sustainable and could promote some soul-searching.

On balance, relationships can often reach a point where the sex and compliments are routine at best, if they don't drop off the radar altogether. Many long-term couples bemoan the lack of verbal affection and flattery that tends to accompany knowing someone well enough to be intimately familiar with, say, their athlete's foot problem or their morning breath or the effects of their lactose intolerance. I ain't criticizing these things or implying that one can't be hot and have foot fungus, but having the full and delightful knowledge that comes with being in a longer term relationship often disabuses us of our illusions that we create in our heads about how our partner is so perfect and wonderful and they don't poop and they just exist to be hot and sexy for us. People are full of flaws, and being in a real relationship with someone reveals that in a way that a one night stand just doesn't have the time for, and that's both good and bad. Bad if you rely on your partner to boost your body image with compliments, and good if you can recognize how awesome it is that someone knows about your fungus and loves you and wants to bang you anyway.

How do you feel/think about all this? What gives your body image the bigger boost?

Much love,
The Sheriff