It's no secret that sex, whether it's good, bad, rough, gentle, hetero or queer, can have an enormous impact on your body image. A genuine compliment from a one night stand can uplift us for days and almost nothin' feels better than nice words when you're naked, while a thoughtless callous mention of our thick thighs by a lover can send that self-esteem plummeting right back down. Simply being chosen as the recipient of someone's affections, sexual or sweeter, can be a body image boost, since they looked at all the peeps in the bar and singled out you. While we might get body commentary from any number of sources and not just the folks we get freaky with, it's just more potent and the words have more impact when they're coming from someone who has seen your O-face, or your nude body in the unflattering morning light, or exactly what your ass looks like from behind.
Today, I'm curious about if we can say one is better for your self-esteem and body image than the other.
Obviously, there's no concrete answer here since so much of either interaction depends on the specifics of your situations. Is he sensitive and verbose in his praise? Is she a more tight-lipped or just a downright meanie? One-nighters can be just as delightfully gentle and worshipful in their compliments as a relationship can, and frankly, the boost of being picked out as a hottie solely on the basis of your physical attractiveness (which is, to me, equals parts chemistry of personality, swagger, and actual looks, but that's an upcoming post) can be a huge turn-on. Feeling wanted is downright sexy. But if it's dependent mainly on getting external feedback from others and not from telling yourself how gorgeous and want-able you are, that might not be sustainable and could promote some soul-searching.
On balance, relationships can often reach a point where the sex and compliments are routine at best, if they don't drop off the radar altogether. Many long-term couples bemoan the lack of verbal affection and flattery that tends to accompany knowing someone well enough to be intimately familiar with, say, their athlete's foot problem or their morning breath or the effects of their lactose intolerance. I ain't criticizing these things or implying that one can't be hot and have foot fungus, but having the full and delightful knowledge that comes with being in a longer term relationship often disabuses us of our illusions that we create in our heads about how our partner is so perfect and wonderful and they don't poop and they just exist to be hot and sexy for us. People are full of flaws, and being in a real relationship with someone reveals that in a way that a one night stand just doesn't have the time for, and that's both good and bad. Bad if you rely on your partner to boost your body image with compliments, and good if you can recognize how awesome it is that someone knows about your fungus and loves you and wants to bang you anyway.
How do you feel/think about all this? What gives your body image the bigger boost?
Much love,
The Sheriff
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