refusing to be a doormat or a harpy

I agree with those who say that the girl who addressed Tosh in the middle of his set was not necessarily going about it the right way--indeed, she is a fucking heckler, as pointed out by BennyBoo in the comments.

So how do we practically address sexism in everyday life, in jokes, in conversations, on the interwebs? And, for people who work directly with kids who are little sponges waiting to absorb all the nasty biases that surround them, how do we address it in the classroom or workplace?

Recently, I had this issue. I'm working at a summer camp for absurdly rich children, and the man who runs the camp has done this his whole life, and based on his clothes and treatment of female campers, I think it's safe to say that he's firmly stuck in the late 1950s/early 1960s. A man of the times he ain't. But a sexist? Perhaps. One of the other counselors was talking about a case of extreme Stockholm syndrome in which a woman who had been brutally beaten by her husband (as in, her face was distorted and fucked up from daily brutality), but she testified and swore up and down that he had never hurt her. My classy boss then makes the remark, "Wow, where do I find a woman like that?" and chuckled. My whole face got hot and I awkwardly said, "That's not really funny," and walked away.


Was this a perfect response? Nah. I felt like I should've done more.  But at least he saw that it was not a remark I took to be humorous and that those kinds of comments are not appropriate with employees (or, ya know, anybody).

So how can we point out sexism and things that are fucked up without coming across as shrew harpies (NOT because it matters if you come off brash, but because it makes people less inclined to hear your potent and real message)? A few tips.

*Don't be accusatory. People rarely, if ever, want to hear someone tell them about themselves, especially if that includes that they are being a sexist bigot.

*Stick to facts and calm statements. I.e., saying "What you said about women/other races/gays made me uncomfortable/isn't appropriate/is untrue/is not funny," is likely to be heard and maybe even successfully discussed. "You always say sexist things!" is not.

*Don't talk over people's heads. If your ancient uncle Morty still thinks it's okay to slap a waitress's ass as she walks by, spitting feminist theory at him is likely to overwhelm, alienate, and frustrate him. Also, it makes you sound douchey.

How have you addressed sexism in the workplace/world/internets? Has it been well received, or are you too just a shrew harpy? Talk to me.

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

I haven't yet read Fifty Shades of Grey (although my Mama has it on her nightstand!), but this review of it is amazing.

For my nerd ladies.

What the FUCK? Kate Upton apparently can be called fat now.

The woman who stood up to Joe Paterno. This lady reminds me of little Sheriff fighting the wrestling team's power in my hometown.

Have a great weekend!

Much love,
The Sheriff

it's not funny: tosh's rape joke

Surely you've heard by now about Daniel Tosh's rape joke incident, but for those not so on top of the latest offensive happenings, here's a brief synopsis: Tosh is performing and says that anything can be funny, including rape. Woman in the crowd responds that rape isn't funny (you go girl), and Tosh responds thusly: "Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl [referring to an audience member who “heckled” him about rape jokes not being funny earlier in his set] got raped by, like, five guys right now? Like right now?”

 My thoughts:

A. Rape jokes aren't really funny. Jokes in which a woman or man is forcibly penetrated or violated? Not hilarious. Not even funny when they're about Jerry Sandusky (perhaps a form of just desserts, but not funny per se).

B. What Tosh said to that woman was a personal attack, a form of bullying, and a tacit endorsement of our rape culture. What? Yes. Jokes are intended to poke fun at our culture, to make us think, to make us laugh. His statement that wouldn't it be funny if she was raped, by like, five guys, right now, is none of those thinks. It is a reflection of our culture in which rape is an acceptable way to keep women in line. Of keeping them from heckling "nice guys" like Tosh while they go about their very important business of entertaining. Of making sure that they abide by certain societal expectations and rules that regulate their behavior, their dress, and their appearance. Of keeping us afraid.


What do you think? Am I being too harsh on poor little Tosh? Or is it true that some shit just isn't funny?

Much love,
The Sheriff

different sex drives: how to keep it balanced and still hot

Not everyone is as into sex as I am. Shocking, I know, given my fondness for vibrators and discussing birth control and VCH piercings, but sometimes this fact still surprises me. And not just not "into" it, but also wanting less of it. People have drastically different preferences and desires. But when you're in a sexual relationship and you and your partner are on opposite sides of the spectrum sex-drive wise, it can be deeply frustrating and even hurtful.

Dips in libido can be caused by any manner of shit (mostly bad shit too): stress, big changes, depression, medical problems, new babies, fatigue. We've all experienced at least one of these factors at some point in time, but sometimes when it's our partner rejecting our tender (or, per the Sheriff's style, blatant) advances, it can be difficult to remember that libido changes over time. But pressuring your partner ain't likely to lead to the great sexual experience and connection you're after anyway.

So. How do you deal when your partner wants more or less of the deed than you do?

This is a biggie (and by no means easy to do): have some compassion with where they're coming from. This applies to both parties--if your girl wants to get it on less often than you do because she's studying for her LSATs and juggling a job, it might be time to lay off and cuddle more often, perhaps taking your needs into your own hands. Generally, changes in libido are temporary--they won't last forever, and while it might feel that way when it's been seemingly ages since you got laid, your partner is sure to appreciate that you were able to put their needs above your own urges.

On the other hand, if you find yourself being the one saying no more frequently, it might be worth it to consider how much you can give your partner without feeling like you're just a sexual doormat. While owning your desire is deeply important and empowering, within a relationship it is also of paramount importance to think of your partner's feelings too. If you turn them down on the regular, eventually they'll start to feel that their desires aren't legitimate, which blows. So, if you're the person without the time, energy, or mood, look at if you can offer them a bit of affection or even meet them halfway on occasion by helping them get off. These gestures go a long way.

Above all else, both people need to keep in mind that their partner ISN'T THEM and doesn't always feel the way they do about gettin' it in (Sheriff struggles with this at times), and to have some mercy for where their sexual buddy is coming from.

Have you ever had drastically different libidos than your partner? How did you work it out?

Much love,
The Sheriff

friday links

First of all, I love Pinterest for almost any purpose. It's incredibly addicting. But Jessica Valenti's pin board Sad White Babies with Mean Feminist Mommies is hilarious.

How woman can avoid burnout at work before 30. I feel that line about being shocked by the drudgery of the work world for sure.

There is a Palestinian Woman's Football League. Awesome (hint to the Americans: It's really soccer!).

Being a dad can actually be shitty. Interesting POV.

Much love,
The Sheriff

strip club jealousy: is it natural, a reflection of our society, or is it insecurity?

Now, don't laugh, but until Marvel, I never dated anyone who openly copped to enjoying going to strip clubs. The rest either found it gross, or awkward, or expensive and silly. But Marvel, evidently, loved them through his time in the military and onward. It wasn't until he mentioned early in our romance that he had been to one recently and I began crying and yelling and generally acting like a fool that he stopped. A similar incident was profiled in season 3 of The Wire between a lesbian couple, for the record. But the incident and conversations we've had since had made me wonder what it is precisely about strip clubs that makes many women jealous.

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First off, it's probably simply that some other lady is grinding her at least partially naked ass all over someone who I claim as mine. Could be that, for starters.

But in all seriousness, why do we get so jealous and uncomfortable (and by "we" I might mean "my jealous ass") about partners going to strip clubs?

It could simply be natural. We are just not inclined to like the idea of someone that we have copulated with and decided is ours and whom we are loyal to enjoying a seat in the front row at a titty bar. Hormones bond us and ensure that we don't want to stray too far. We want the same from them. And realistically, there are strippers who do have sex with their clients for money. The threat is then not simply that one's partner will find other folks appealing, but that they might also have an opportunity to cheat. Very few people like getting cheated on. I don't have science to back me up here, but just trust me on that shit: nobody likes being played. And knowing your partner is getting a lap dance can feel like you are getting played.

The jealousy could also be a reflection of our society. We have been trained from a young and tender age to expect full monogamy, and women especially have been fed horseshit like this about what an ideal relationship should be:

 

Makes sense that if you think he should give up his recreational sports league and his job in order to ensure that your every emotional need is met, ya might be a little peeved if he's hanging out at the strip club. Meet your own emotional needs first, and this ceases to be as much of an issue (just sayin').

Third possible cause of strip club jealousy syndrome: garden variety insecurity. If you feel that your own body is not up to snuff, you will not want other ladies (who you surely picture in your head as thin and lithe and perky of breast and with uplifted but feminine cheeks...in other words, the things that you imagine you're not) workin it' all over your partner. It only serves to increase the feelings that you're not good enough--surely, if you were, he'd be at home with you, not at the club with her and her six-inch heels, right?

Personally, I think it's all three mixed together. When you're invested in a person, you want to be the only one they want, even if that's unrealistic. That's probably a societal residue that taints our relationships. However, biology suggests that our hormones drive this instinct too--once you've released that oxytocin and bonded with someone enough, you want their affections and attention to be yours alone. And naturally, the fact that your partner can get another lady to grind on them (among other acrobatic feats) with her "perfect" body is likely to exacerbate any existing bodily insecurities for sure, given the fact that we live in a culture where a woman's worth is measured largely based on her perceived sexual attractiveness and how she stacks up compared to some unattainable and arbitrary standards.

I'd love to hear a rebuttal for this, and have asked Marvel to write me an explanation of what the draw of strip clubs is, gross, sexist reasons and all. We'll see what happens!

What do you think? Are women jealous about their partners visiting strip clubs because of nature, our society's emphasis on extreme monogamy or insecurity? Or is it all three? Talk to me.

Much love, 

The Sheriff

it's too comfortable in here...maybe

The arch that the average relationship follows is well-known: two people meet, they awkwardly talk, perhaps drunkenly fuck, exchange numbers, hang out to get more sex, accidentally realize that they're both great people, hang out some more, never want to be apart because the other person is amazing and sexy and perfect, fuck all the time, gradually grow super comfortable and start burping and farting and sneezing in front of each other, romance is lost forever.

Or does it?

I'm grappling with this one a bit myself: is it possible to be too comfortable with each other in a romantic relationship? Marvel seems to think no, that all level of bodily functions are cool to talk about or even perform in front of each other. The Sheriff, until Marvel, could barely own up to farts in front of past partners and would blame things on fumes or passing dogs.

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On the YES, you can get too comfortable side: some level of secrecy and mystery must be maintained (at least until babies, at which point it appears that all manner of decency and sleep and regular showering ceases for a few weeks/months) to keep the romance alive. Poop talk is rarely an aphrodisiac (unless that's your thang, in which case, do it up).

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On the NO side, let's keep it real side: your partner is a human, and being human means sometimes that you fart. The closeness that comes with that level of trust, in believing that your partner will still find you sexy even if they know what your snot looks like or how ugly your face gets when you're about to cry, is worth the slight decrease is sex appeal. Besides, trust can be very sexy (think S&M and disclosure of fantasies).

I still maintain though that a fart in the middle of a sexy conversation is a mood ruiner, and that sometimes, people need to know to maintain their rectal integrity and hold it in for the illusion. But, as I found when I recently had an, erhm, compromise in my rectal integrity in the middle of sex, sometimes the ridiculousness and laughter that it encourages makes it worth the momentary pause in the performance.

Where do you stand on this serious issue?

Much love,
The Sheriff