the comparison trap

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Ever been to the gym, supermarket, bar (insert place that you frequent here) and found yourself next to the hottest girl in the room (yes, hottest is a debatable term but go with your own personal vision of that hot girl from high school that you never were)? And found yourself comparing the whole time, critiquing all the things about yourself that fall short, and then finding minute flaws in her in an attempt to make yourself feel better?

Yup.The dialogue might go something like this: Damn, my thighs are tree trunks compared to hers. But look at her cankles! At least we're both short. I shouldn't have eaten that burrito right before hitting the gym. And so on.

But here's the thing about comparison: it doesn't make you feel good or motivate you to do anything positive to change your body or how you feel about it. It's a trap! It's kinda like weighing yourself: maybe you have more information than you did before, but you still feel crappy about your body at the end. You don't feel anymore attractive, and furthermore, as BeautySchooled pointed out, it might even make you fat.

So how do we stop this constant accounting of our flaws and our neighbors' too? Think of all the good stuff you bring to the table, but not in relation to others (your thighs can be awesome, no matter how slim that lady on the next treadmill is). Remind yourself constantly. Don't weigh yourself! Point it out to your friends how great they look, and enjoy how nice to feels to not be aggressively comparing yourselves.

Anyone else have any tips?
Much love,
The Sheriff

This is a short-ish post, mostly of things I've already said here in various ways and places

yesterday was thursday, today is friday links!

Surely you've seen the Rebecca Black video the title references and I don't need to link to it.

When it comes to sex ed, some teens disbelieve the Internet. I'm working on a post about sex ed classes and whatnot, so I'd love to hear your comments on this article!

Why I am a black male feminist. So good.

White rich gay couples more acceptable than single moms? Not exactly progress...

If you saw the atrocity that was Alexandra Wallace's YouTube rant about Asian students' behavior at UCLA (the video itself was deleted, but this rant response has some of the more offensive parts in it), then you're probably not surprised to hear that she's no longer attending UCLA because she feels she's been harassed. Harassment is never good, but frankly, if you're gonna say racist shit on the Internet, be prepared for the backlash!

Stop feeling bad about your body (if for no other reason than because it's not helping you get thinner!).

Much love,
The Sheriff

body hair

Almost every woman on the planet has some sort of horror story about the first time she tried shaving her legs or using Nair: razor burn, severe irritation, THE BLOOD. But despite these traumatic beginnings, the majority of us somehow get over it and keep shaving 'em and Nairing 'em for decades with a few stretches of hairy legs to break it up. I recently went for three weeks without shaving because life was busy/I wasn't seeing Meatball during that time/it's winter in New England/I go to Smith (true story: I once almost complimented a girl on her patterned tights...which I then realized was her leg hair. Glad I kept my mouth shut). It felt surprisingly nice to just not give a fuck.

But it felt at least as nice to finally machete that shit and have some silky smooth gams again. There's a certain pleasure in feeling fabrics against smooth skin and knowing that your legs look good in shorts at the gym.

That being said, of course, that sense of "good" is also defined by a really arbitrary set of beauty standards (women should be hairless, except for their heads which should have silky long flowing locks and their perfectly manicured eyebrows). There's really no advantage to be obtained by having hairless legs unless you're a swimmer seeking to cut down on times; it's not better for your health and it won't prevent disease.

But it's also not, to me anyway, terribly oppressive. It's not expensive, it's not difficult, sometimes when I go several weeks without tending to it it's time consuming but not on the regular. It just feels good, especially in the hotter months. Is that so wrong? Or is it okay because it's an examined, informed choice? If it's not an informed choice and we're just shaving because we think we should, is it inherently bad and oppressive? Is it bad because it's become expected of women in order for them to be considered attractive/sexy/beautiful?

Whatchu say?

Much love,
The Sheriff

(in)famous

No real post for today (just got back from spring break and OMG SO MUCH TO DO RIGHT THIS INSTANT), but for some lolz, check out beforeyouwerehot.com, which should be featuring myself and my (almost) lifelong best friend at some point today! And now you all know what I look like. I feel closer to you already.

Have a great Monday!

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Much love,
The Sheriff

saturday links

Short list this week because the Sheriff (and all of Smith) is on spring break in lovely southeastern PA! It's been warm and relaxing.

This is an oldie but a goodie: 15 aspects to be recognized in 3rd wave feminism.

10 things I learned from Ina May Gaskin about birth.

I wish I spent my break looking at these sunsets. Beautiful!

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Much love,
The Sheriff

Bloggers' Day Of Silence for Japan

There is no way you've not heard of the sheer devastation that has happened in Japan as a result of the tsunami and earthquakes, and the coverage I've seen of it is utterly heartbreaking. I encourage you all to donate (I just did!) and I'll be observing the bloggers' day of silence tomorrow in honor of the disaster. Links will be on Saturday!

Much love,
The Sheriff

breast implants (and other enhancements): get the judgment face in check

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Last week, I was getting my hair cut at Salon 241 in Northampton. I've been seeing the same stylist there for a while, and I relish getting my hair done: someone rubbing my head and neck and making me feel pretty and listening to my problems? Hell yes. But this time, our conversation took an interesting turn.

As you can imagine based on this blog's contents, I'm not one to censor myself and was complaining to her about wanting to run more often but hating the actual running part because I'm large-of-boob and my sports bra is great at containing my chest but it hurts after a while. She said without hesitation,"Oh, I'd kill for your size! After I have another kid, I'm getting implants."

I was a little shocked by this for several reasons, but managed to reason through most of my questions. Why would anyone want bigger boobs (it's hard for me to wrap my head around as I've had a huge rack seemingly since birth, but I know that some people truly feel they'd have better self-image, a better silhouette, whatever it may be with more titties)? How could someone in crunchy, love-yourself-even-without-a-shower Northampton fixate on something superficial like this (because they're a human and exposed to media images of beauty that involve big tits and work in the beauty industry)?

But I was mostly surprised by my knee-jerk reaction: I was disappointed by her. I didn't want her to be the type of woman to get implants, to be that shallow. And that's wrong of me. I fear the same judgment for occasionally going tanning  in the depths of winter (even now, I want to justify it: it's just nice to be warm once in a while when New England is negative degrees from November to March!) and being worried that I'll be cast as "one of those girls" who goes tanning.

Part of this, for me, comes from the fact that it just feels unfair for these women to accrue the social capital that comes from having socially-approved looks without having to "work" for it. As Courtney Martin writes in Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, "A hot bod and sultry sophistication are immediately powerful. The rest  is slow redemption." The power and the privilege that come wrapped up with what our society deems attractive (usually white, young, thin, able-bodied, wealthy to maintain it, etc) are instantaneous, and if I'm being honest, the feedback feels great. Working hard for As and trying to find a meaningful job and saving the world hold gratification too, of course. But it's delayed, making the power of appearance that much more potent in comparison.

Furthermore, there's an association that goes with certain beauty-related procedures that means that women who chooses to get a fake tan or implants or lip or bleach her hair or or lose weight for their wedding or get long acrylic nails are stupid and lacking in depth. And guys? That ain't fair or accurate.


What do you think? Do you ever find yourself judging and put it in check? Or do you continue to judge since some of these acts are dangerous?


Much love,
The Sheriff