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| the 12 year old in me is laughing. |
Sometimes, I feel like a little bit of a fraud. I try to write about college sex, among other things, but frankly? My college experience hasn't been average in the least bit, particularly when it comes to the sex and romance scene at Smith. We're a women's college and about 30% gay/bisexual/pansexual/non-straight identified. And while I've nearly always been able to get some when I wanted to, it is something you have to put a bit more work into if you're after a male partner in the bedroom. The main arena for meeting people is still parties (Smith house parties are just as awkward as your middle-school dances, but everyone is tipsy), and hookups are still the main sexual/romantic interaction on campus as far as my anecdotal and not-at-all-scientifically-rigorous research shows.
Hookups are often characterized as being detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of young people, especially us delicate womenfolk. Between the feeling of being "used" and the risk of STIs (especially without proper use of a barrier method), some of these concerns seem to be legitimate.
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As the subtitle tells you, her main point is that hookups are a form of false empowerment and when they're the only option of romantic interaction on a campus scene, women (who she infuriatingly refers to as "girls" throughout her book, as if they're children) inevitably wind up disappointed because we're really seeking a connection, not meaningless sex (she also argues that it leave us unable to establish healthy relationships later in life because we've never done the dating/courtship thing).
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And maybe some of us are seeking that connection. But ALL of my college relationships started with a hookup, with what I thought was surely a one night stand. If you want more than just sex, say so! Don't feel like you have to bend what you want to fit into the expectation of meaningless sex and awkward morning afters just to get your sexual needs met if that's not for you (buy a vibe to tide you over!). Plenty of men and women want to find a companion who is more than just an easy lay, even in college!
And if you just want that easy lay, you're in luck. The problem with hookup culture as I see it is less that it's inherently unsatisfactory for one gender and heaven for another and more that no one teaches young men and women how to actually express what they want sexually and romantically before they go off to college. Which is where solid sex education comes in, but that's another post.
If you've been to college, what was your experience of the sex/romance scene like? Did you date or just bang? How did it impact you?
Much love,
The Sheriff
I had a next to zero sex life in university. I was a drama major, where it was like 85% female and the remaining 15% were either gay (at least half of them), taken (probably 40%) or unattractive (5%). I was also super-picky on the type of guy I'd go out with (I don't believe in hook-ups) and really, at ages 18-22, people aren't that interested in a "real" relationship.
ReplyDeleteI've had hookups and have not found them damaging but it would suck to feel like that was my only option though. I also had lots of dates and potential relationships in college, although I went to WPI which is largely male. But even after college there are lots of guys who want more than hookups. I even know a fair number of guys who would turn down a hookup with someone they found attracted because they are interested in relationships and not hookups.
ReplyDeleteBased on my recent research into the subject (and by research I mean eavesdropping on undergrads' conversations while I'm eating), I have concluded that hookups are harmful to some women, but that monogamous relationships would probably be just as harmful to the same women.
ReplyDeleteThese two girls* today were complaining that a guy one of them hooks up with gave her a run-down of all the other girls he hooks up with, basically what each one was "good for," and ranked her among them. Now some people would not mind having this conversation with a lover, but this girl was obviously upset about it. Nowhere in the conversation did she say that she (1) Told the guy that his behavior was fucked up or (2) Was not going to see the guy anymore. So I have to wonder, if people put up with behavior like that from casual lovers, would they be any less likely to put up with the same (or worse) behavior from a Significant Other? I haven't read the book mentioned above, but it seems to me that people who are down on hookup culture tend to have an overly rosy picture of monogamous relationships and tend to overlook all of the damage they often do, to young people especially.
I think the real problem is not the relationship model itself but the fact that, as the Sheriff pointed out, people don't know how to talk about their needs or are reluctant to stand up for themselves when lovers treat them like shit.
*I refer to them as 'girls' here because that's how they referred to themselves and their peers.
Cynthia--I have to disagree on your last point. At least in my experience at Smith and the surrounding colleges (and even people from my hometown), plenty of people from 18-22 are looking for relationships. It might not be the kind that lasts forever necessarily, but I know of very few people who actually oppose and resist being in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteEmily--My boyfriend Meatball goes to WPI! And it is definitely a largely male environment. I always want to write a piece contrasting Smith with WPI, especially the living spaces (but he lives in a frat, so it's even more extreme).
Adrienne--I agree with your point that people who put down hookups think of monogamous relationships as healthy and wonderful and stable, which they often aren't for any demographic but especially young people trying to sort out who they are.