But someone in the comments raised a good point: would you consider saying anything to an overweight person eating, say, a Twinkie?
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Which is a lot harder to answer, and more important to answer, than I first thought. I imagine most people would react to that the way I did: "What?! No! Let them eat what they want!" But what if it's part of an eating disorder? Or just incredibly damn unhealthy? And not unhealthy in the way that Fitness and Shape and all those magazines that I hate to love to read portray it (i.e., health=being slender. Always!), but truly unhealthy, as in, leading to health issues. Lemme give you a personal example.
One of my older sisters was rushed to the hospital this weekend for two emergency surgeries (appendectomy and umbilical hernia repair! At the same time! Whew!), both of which are pretty standard procedures. But they were both complicated by her weight. She is obese, perhaps even morbidly so, and has a deeply unhealthy lifestyle: she works far too many hours as a chef, she eats only meat and carbs (I can promise you that during my 21 years of life, I have not once seen her eat anything green, whilst I spent my childhood gnawing on whole cucumbers. But I digress), she does not exercise, and she lives in New Jersey (this is not actually a health risk, except that no one there can drive). While I agree that one can absolutely be both "fat" (whatever we've decided that means) and fit, she simply does not fall into that category.
But how can someone possibly address this sort of issue with a loved one without simply being insulting? Is it not my place? I've always berated my dad and brother for smoking; is this situation any different? Or does the fact that a female's body and size are so personal and so assaulted daily with messages about how we should look and act make this somehow more sensitive (for duh, Sheriff)? So how to be both sensitive to that and supportive of adopting a healthier lifestyle? Can you even influence someone to do that? Should you ever address things of this nature with anyone, even an emaciated lady at the gym?
Should I even say anything? Have you ever struggled with addressing this with a loved one?
Much love,
The Sheriff
Absolutely. My fiance is a really big dude, and admittedly has always been a little overweight. But when I got pregnant he gained "sympathy weight" (to make me feel better about being a living water balloon?). A lot of it. Now he complains of his back and knees hurting all the time, he gets out of breath from walking up and down too many stairs, etc. I worry about his health and I've tried talking to him about it more times than I can remember. Sometimes he's receptive to the idea of losing weight but does nothing to act on it, and sometimes he gets pissed off, offended, or just plain accepts it which is somehow worse. I'll ask "are you sure you want a second bowl of ice cream?" Response? "Yeah, I'm fat, I'll eat whatever I want." He even goes so far as to say "I know you don't want to have sex with me, I'm gross/fat/unattractive." It's an ongoing battle. I love him no matter what, but he seems to think my wanting him to lose weight is more about me thinking he's "gross" than about me wanting him to be healthy and happy. I believe that's how most people feel when approached about their weight/health issues.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say this — because I rarely advocate for NOT talking about stuff — but I feel like you maybe shouldn't speak up on this one. Comments from family members about weight can be the MOST loaded and unintentionally hurtful, especially if she's seen you as The Skinny One Who Eats Cucumbers for her whole life. (I'm not saying she does or that you did anything wrong by eating said cucumbers! Just that, she most likely knows she's overweight and has unhealthy eating habits, and also knows that you've had a very different food experience — but may not know that your struggles have more parallels than she realizes.)
ReplyDeleteI think, if she brings it up or mentions wanting to get more vegetables into her life or something, you can be positive and supportive of those things, for sure. But it would be hard for you to introduce the topic in a way that didn't make her feel attacked. And most unhealthy people aren't unhealthy because they haven't gotten the memo about vegetables. They're unhealthy for a ton of more complex and emotionally charged reasons — whether their "unhealthy" manifests in obesity or disordered eating or smoking cigarettes or insert life-threatening-thing here.
I feel for you though — obviously, you love your sister and it sucks watching her suffer and not know how to help! Wish I had a better idea — look forward to seeing what others think.
She's a chef and doesn't eat anything green? I thought chefs ate everything... Mmmmmkkkkkkkkaaayyyy....Anyway, sizism isn't only about criticizing those who are seen as "fat" by the majority, but also skinny, tall and short as well. I'm a fairly tiny woman (height and "thickness"), and like many other tiny women, don't like to hear comments about being "sooooo tiny", that one "almost didn't see you" or that we should "buy clothes at the kids' department" (because we're "sized out" in the adult section. Yes, size zero or even double zero can sometimes be "too big" thanks to vanity sizing. And then lingerie is a whole other story, but if you want to hear more of these rants, you can visit any one of the petite blogs out there, including mine). Actually, I think the final comment is the worst, because it makes otherwise adult women feel, well, not like an adult, but a child. And, if any of us makes comments about these issues, we're often shot down, because apparently, these aren't "real body image issues." Why not?
ReplyDeleteAs for the size thing regarding your sister, I don't think it's just a woman thing. It's a size thing, period. I don't think men appreciate being criticized for size either...a lot of guys are very look-sensitive too.
CynthiaC, she makes the most AMAZING delicious food, including veggies, but truly eats only meat and bread (she catered my mama's 50th birthday surprise party, and even though there was tons of variety in the food, and she made all of it, she ate a roll with butter and filet mignon. Nothin' else!). And I hear you on all the petite comments: I clock in at 5'1" on a good day, and while I don't usually face the issue of needing to shop in the kids' department, I can't even imagine how frustrating that is.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone wants to be criticized for their size, regardless of their gender, but I do think women are socialized and receive all sorts of messages on the daily about how our bodies should look.
As for my sister, it's not so much her size as her health that is an issue. If she ate veggies and exercised and had a healthy way to blow off stress and had no emergent health issues and was still the size she is, I wouldn't be concerned.
And @beautyschooled--family dynamics DEFINITELY complicate this one!
It's just no one's business. If someone's overweight, THEY KNOW. It's not like they haven't noticed. Same for the thin folks. You'd have to be REALLY close with someone for it to be remotely okay, in my opinion, to approach them about their body. You would also have to know for a fact that they are behaving unhealtily.
ReplyDeleteWhile I know we all want what is best for our loved ones, we can't force it. Or pressure, coax, or cajole it.
@The Epic Adventurer: I don't think everyone who IS overweight knows that they are. If they're around a lot of other people who're bigger, then they often think they're average. I hear this a lot from parents who think their children are "average" even if they are on the big side because their kids go to school with a lot of other bigger children. Parents don't want to think there's anything wrong with their kids, you see. I think it's the same thing for adults. What we really need to do is to stop throwing around the word "average" or "typical" Those words mean nothing. You could live in a community where the average weight is 350 lb. For most people, that's not a healthy number to be, yet it would still be "average" in that community because that's what the numbers add up to be.
ReplyDeleteI agree that size is a touchy issue, and it's often harmful to comment on it even in a "positive" way, as that can reinforce social pressures. However, I think that if you are close to someone, you CAN and perhaps should comment on unhealthy behaviors. My sister and I did something of the sort with our parents--we told them that we were afraid we wouldn't have them around for many years to come if they didn't take better care of themselves. This has actually led to quite a positive change in their lifestyles, and I'm happy to say that they now both exercise regularly and are more aware of nutrition. That said, not every situation is the same, and it is important to approach these issues with sensitivity to what the other person might read into your comments. There are no easy answers here!
ReplyDeletePersonally I would not say anything about her weight or her choices regarding food or exercise. I think most people (women especially) would resent you for it and would not listen anyway. Unless it's the kind of person you know for a fact to be receptive to those kinds of conversations, I think it's likely to cause more harm than good.
ReplyDeleteI also think it's a bad idea to talk to women who are emaciated about their bodies and choices. I've been on the receiving end of that concern from friends and strangers my whole life (less now that I'm older) and it actually led to a lot of body image issues and unhealthy eating behaviors, among other problems.
You never know why someone is the size/shape they are: it could be a medication they're on or an illness or a gene or mobility issues or Maude knows what else. Obviously it's a little different with your sister because presumably you would know if her weight is caused by illness or medication or the like. But still.
You did mention the lack of "a healthy way to blow off stress" in your sister's life. Now, that is something that I think is worth talking to loved ones about. If she seems depressed or anxious or stressed all the time, you might consider having a conversation along the lines of "sis, I've noticed that you seem stressed a lot of the time lately. What's going on? Is there some way I can help?" If you do talk to her, that should be the focus of the conversation, not her size or what she eats or how often she hits the gym. But don't say "You know what helps me relieve stress?? The gym!" because most people would see through that and still resent you.
I would agree with Adrienne. As a receiver of concern for my body as well, and even though it came from my family and with the intention of no ill will, it did hurt. A lot. The sad thing is: these sorts of comments, from your family or not, do not largely change a person's ability or commitment to lose weight, and they certainly do not help alleviate the incessant negative body image monologue going on inside their heads.
ReplyDeleteI'd say this: If you want to help your sister, you should support more than critique, and work to solve any emotional problems she might have instead of the physical ones. Happy people can take care of themselves. And not just seemingly happy people, truly happy people.
sorry for the intense amount of agreement errors in what i just wrote...this is what happens when you don't double check what you write...
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