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You may have noticed, dear readers, if you've been following FF for any amount of time that I tend to tell it like it is. Sometimes this results in you knowing perhaps more than you ever wanted to about my clitoral hood piercing or failed butt sex experience or first Brazilian wax in explicit detail, but I firmly believe that these details are what makes this blog fun to read AND that I have a responsibility to be honest in my writing. It's not journalism and I don't take it that seriously, but I do feel it's important to put it all out there. Even the not so sexy or perfect stuff.
Inevitably, this involves writing about the people I've interacted with sexually too, and while I've noted before that FF is definitely less explicit and personal than it was when it started, it absolutely comes up. But is that ethical? Is it okay for me to write about these experiences and put it out there, even if it's in an entirely anonymous way?
I frankly haven't given it that much thought until a few days ago when it came up with Meatball. I asked him if he even reads the blog anymore, and he said no (cue hurt feelings since this blog is my baby), and some prying revealed that he feels uncomfortable reading about himself, good or bad. And that he got a lot of flack for this post from his frat brothers. All of whom read it. Poor kid.
His solution was just to not read the blog, and that's fine. But it leaves me with a conundrum: how to write about topics inspired by my life without also putting past and current sexual partners into the spotlight somewhat? My instinct is that people should toughen up and get a thicker skin, but I've also not been the subject of a post written by someone else, so maybe that's a lil itty bit presumptuous. But I also think I should be able to be honest and that I owe that to all ya'll (he also hates the use of the word "ya'll" so I'ma just have to sprinkle that in here more liberally now that I know he's not reading it!). It's not for everyone and obviously it's up to each blogger to figure out how much and what to share of themselves, but for me, it's low risk as this is pretty anonymous and frankly, I think it makes it more interesting to hear little details of writers' lives. But that's just me.
Whatcha think?
Much love,
The Sheriff
Baby girl. I love your blog, but being from Louisiana, it just kills me every time. The word is "y'all," you + all.
ReplyDeleteHaha I barely even know when I'm using it anymore! Bad news.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to skip the "y'all" debate and talk about the actual post lol. The conundrum of wanting to discuss activities that involve people who may or may not have an opinion about their potential fame (/infamy?) is an interesting one. Sometimes, although it's important to keep a tight leash on your kissing-and-telling to avoid hurting someone, sometimes it's equally important to make like a journalist--keep your sources secret, but never sacrifice the story. I think what you're doing with this blog is amazing and important, and I know a lot of people would be sad if you felt like you had to censor yourself. You already use as much discretion as I personally feel you need--you never name names, and if someone close to you figures it out, oh well. Those in the know are few and far between. Kind of funny, to maintain anonymity while talking about genitals. :D
ReplyDeleteAs a former sex blogger (I really need to start every sentence with that phrase) I was always very careful to protect the anonymity of the people I was writing about. Every girl I wrote about had a fake name, and if I was planning on having any interaction with a girl that lasted more than one night, I would tell them about my blog and ask if it was okay that I wrote about them. Only one told me it was not, and as a result I never made any direct references to my experiences with her.
ReplyDeleteI've found that most people-friends and lovers-either didn't care that I wrote about them or were genuinely curious to see what I was saying. I only offended one person I wrote about, and as a result she has not spoken to me since. While that wasn't much of a loss, as I wasn't particularly close to her anyway, it reminded me that when I write candidly about people, I always risk the chance of hurting them. If you think you're saying something that someone wouldn't want you to write, you probably shouldn't.
In response to Dark Matter's comment, you're not a journalist. You're a blogger writing about your personal life. If you want to be completely candid about everything, you have that right, but ask yourself if it's worth potentially damaging a friendship just to post something particularly salacious or meaningful. Not everybody is as confident and thick-skinned as you are, and saying that they should "toughen up" is nice in theory, but doesn't always work well when you made somebody cried because you implied that they're promiscuous (hypothetically). When you're writing about yourself and your friends, you're taking a chance that you'll say something someone you know might not like. All I'm saying is pick your battles wisely.
Tom, I think your guidelines for discussing people you were involved with are spot-on. For me, the need for consent extends from the sexual encounter itself to sharing information about the encounter with others who might know the person you're discussing (this is true for me in real life and online).
ReplyDeleteI want people in general to be more open about their sex lives and to break down a lot of the taboos we have, but I don't have the right to make that decision for others. I think the only options that preserve consent are to ask permission to share and then respect their wishes, or to warn everyone before they sleep with you that you are likely to blog about it afterwards, and if they don't want that to happen then they shouldn't sleep with you.
There is also a matter of compromised safety, unfortunately, when it comes to blogging about sex or feminism. Lena Chen is probably the best-known example of sex blogging gone wrong. Smith is not Harvard, of course, and I would assume you and your loved ones are safer than hers for that reason alone.
I think Tom's guideline's are solid as well. Meatball is really the only person I've had sexual contact with since the start of the blog, which makes it both easier and more difficult. Is my writing about him likely to damage our relationship, especially since I gave him a heads up about it when I began the blog? Unlikely. But it is unfortunately something that we don't see completely eye to eye on, and that's okay too. I've never written anything negative or hurtful about him (mostly because there's nothing to write!), and I try to keep my mentions of him infrequent and positive these days.
ReplyDeleteAnother aspect that I find interesting here is when people I've slept with who do read the blog out themselves in the comments. I've had it happen with at least three different partners, and I find it funny that they choose to start comments with "As a former partner of the Sheriff's..."